Recently seperated and depressed

[debilou]

Good one LJ!

 

I know it makes no sense. I can't call this thing off, I want him to do it.

 

Today I decided I will now treat him as a friend. Expect nothing romantic, emotional or physical from him.

 

He doesn't call me. If we talk it's because I make the effort. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. I called him today to update him about my new part time job. When I said good bye it was just that, no I love you.

 

I know he feels bad about himself. He always has. I have tried to be his cheerleader. I also know that he has to fix himself, I can't do it for him.

 

I know we have a dysfunctional relationship. I just REALLY don't want to end this one only to start another sick one!!! Wish me luck.

 

It would be so much easier for me if he called this marriage off. Then again, maybe I just need time to let it happen for me.

 

I'm ok. I've gotten over most of the depression of losing a partner. I look forward to meeting new people. I have 2 great part time jobs that offer new possibilities.

 

After Tuesdays counseling session, I really decided it's his turn to make an effort to save this marriage. I'm ok with ending it now.

 

This sounds stupid but I feel sorry for him. I know he's depressed. I know he's made A LOT of bad choices lately. I only wish him happiness. I think I mentioned before that I'm a little on the co dependent side. I'm still working on myself. I have a long way to go.

 

I'm happy, happier than I've been in a long time.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

Originally posted by debilou

This sounds stupid but I feel sorry for him. I know he's depressed. I know he's made A LOT of bad choices lately. I only wish him happiness.

Debilou

 

That doesn't sound stupid debilou. Sounds very compassionate and caring. You want to help the person you love. That is noble, not stupid. Sadly we can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved.

[cal1992]

Reading through your forum I had to stop and say something. I was married to the exact same person you are. It is an emotional mess. It has been a year of divorce and things on my end have gotten better. I have my children and no support from the other end. I loved my wife dearly but there comes a time where it is no longer the Romeo and Juliet romance. We as adults to protect our children for their future must make HARD decisions. If he threatens divorce suicide ect. let him. Let him be free to pursue what ever is out there. Real happiness is being home with your children at night knowing that the world is not going to fall apart tomorrow. I know the felling of being alone at home at night. It sucks. I also know the feeling of having no money cause I supported her. I cannot tell you the right answer other than if someone does not want to be with you let them go. I was created to be happy not someone’s emotional baggage carrier. I might be lonely now but I have hope. My children will turn out fine. I love them and that is enough. I say this with a heavy heart because I came from a divorced family. It is always hard on the kids but love fills those voids that we cannot heal.

Some one told me once" I am not his guide, master or keeper. We are individuals and must each find our lonely way to our goals. My sources of comfort and strength he refuses to share with me; I have learned through bitter experience that it is fruitless to offer them."

[debilou]

Ok folks, explain this one to me. The other day my H told me and I quote "you have beat me down like a DOG for 18 years!".

 

Last night we went to a party together. He doesn't touch me. He seems to be bothered by any and everything I do or say. Why do I keep trying to make this work???

 

I try to see things from his point of view. He is currently unemployed and depressed over that. I feel sorry for him. I love him. What do I get out of this relationship? Blamed for him feeling bad about himself. Is that how it works? I have been his abuser for 18 years?

 

I think until he takes responsibility for himself and his actions there is no point in counseling or even talking. I'm beginning to get a little irritated with this lack of progress.

 

I'm still in no hurry to start the divorce. Why? I don't know. He and the counselor insist that I have to change. I think it takes both of us to change our behavior.

 

Feeling a lot sad and lonely. But I'll be fine.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

debilou, I have been through the whole being blamed for everything myself. I was accused of being controlling when in reality it was my XW that had all the control.

 

I think it is your husband attempting to make you the scapegoat. I found in my situation that alot of the things I was accused of were in reality things my XW was actually guilty of doing. Or it was her trying to ease her own conscience. It was never her fault I didn't spend any time with friends. She even urged me to spend more time with my friends. But if I ever actually planned to do anything with my friends, then I didn't spend enough time with her and our daughter.

 

Is it safe to assume that you don't care much for the counsellor you are seeing? I wouldn't feel comfortable with a counsellor that was telling me that it was all my fault my spouse was unhappy and that I needed to change everything to please the other person. There should be some give and take, meet in the middle. You shouldn't have to make all the effort to cater to your husband's infantile temper tantrum.

 

And if you had actually beat him down like a dog for 18 years, I doubt he would have had the guts to say those words to you. He just doesn't want to take any responsibility for himself.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

I think until he takes responsibility for himself and his actions there is no point in counseling or even talking. I'm beginning to get a little irritated with this lack of progress.

 

I'm still in no hurry to start the divorce. Why? I don't know. He and the counselor insist that I have to change. I think it takes both of us to change our behavior.

 

I agree with DD. Get a new MC. You're at a stalemate with this one.

[utterlyheartbroken]

My husband decided to seperate from me. Out of nowhere one Wednesday morning when we were having our usual fight about his annual allowance that he gets biweekly he threw in my face that he was moving out and was sick of MY anitics when he was the one that had them and whatever ones I was having were in response to his. Any ways this was the day before Thanksgiving. It was our ONLY childs FIRST Thanksgiving and he feels that she won't remember it so what's it matter. Besides he is tired of me not allowing him to have ALL his money and preventing him from doing whatever he wants to do. I knew he'd been cheating on me for quite some time and I would call him on it but he would tell me that it wasn't happening and now he's moved in with someone else. What a prick. Very selfish. He may have been diagnosed as Multiple Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but I am tired of giving him accuses for something that I feel isn't all of the reason why he left. He chose to leave and not come back. He chose to hurt me and not care. I am tired of living under his thumb. Aren't you tired of living under your mates thumb?

 

Elizabeth

[utterlyheartbroken]

I'm not ready to give my H a divorce because I don't have the money for one and two because even if I did have it I would rather make him suffer. You could say that in a way I am sitting pretty. My H actually gave me permission to cheat. Of course this is after he slept with some other woman. I've been slowly wearing my H down so bad some of it actually feels relieving to see him in some kind of pain. He, I feel deserves to feel the same exact kind of pain that I have had to feel for 4 years. NO MAN OR WOMAN deserves to treat a person like crap when they didn't do anything wrong. That is why I love karma so much. Sometimes karma allows you to be the one sticking it too them without any payback to you because you've already been through crap. It's perfect actually. And delou I totally agree with you you should tell your counsler to sit on it and tell them that they need to go and check themself into a phyco ward.

 

Elizabeth

[Mz. Pixie]

Elizabeth,

 

What you are doing now may feel good but later on it will leave a bad taste in your mouth. You're punishing yourself more than you are him- you just don't know it yet. He obviously has issues or he wouldn't do the things he has done. He also doesn't care or he wouldn't have done it either.

 

Multiple Personality Disorder?? Are you sure? If he's truly MPD then perhaps his "alter" egos are the ones cheating??

 

PTSD is not an excuse to cheat either.

 

Please reconsider your vengence. Karma does work wonders but you should leave the Karma to it's own devices rather than exerting yours against it. That could come back to bite you in the rear later, trust me.

[snapdragon14]

Dear Utterly Heatbroken(and anyone else who has good advice and been there)

 

My husband left a little over a month ago. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9 years. We have 3 boys from my previous relationship and a daughter together who is 7 years old. He has left us numerous times in the beginning he would go out with his friends and drink too much and come home drunk. Then when that became an issue I would not want him to go so he would pick a fight with me and leave. Then he started leaving for a few days and staying with friends or his mom. He is 33 I am 35. This time when he left he said he has messed things up so bad he doesn't want to ever be married to me or anyone else for that matter and that he isn't cut out for this/isn't marriage material. He was very cold for the first week. WHen I asked him if he missed me he said sometimes. My emotions have been up and down so many times I've stopped counting. I feel strong, then weak, then sad, then lonely, and then back to the beginning. About two weeks ago he came to see our daughter's bbgame and was being very nice. We had a long talk and he said he isn't sleeping at night, he misses me, it's not easy for him ..... One thing led to another..... I know not smart! ANyway he started telling me he loved me again and was being affectionate, but still not coming home. last week was our anniversary of when we met and I was on my way up the coast and he called me an joined me. We got along great like old times, but once we were back a few days later and I questioned him about never wanting to be married still, he said he didn't know what he wanted. Then he said If he couldn't make it work with me he couldn't make it work with anybody, he's just not cut out for this. I'm so tired of this, yet I keep holding on to hope any adivice out there????

[Owl]

Snap-

 

Personally, from all that you said, I really think you should consider starting your own thread, either on the Marriage forum, or on the Infidelity forum. Given your husbands actions and comments, I have some serious concerns that your husband may be cheating on you as well. So much of what you have described is VERY typical of an affair that it's not even funny.

 

I'd suggest that the first thing you need to do is to find a way to verify what's going on in his life. And I'd also suggest that you start getting some individual counseling for yourself ASAP. Quit taking crap from this guy...there is no reason why you should have to suffer his disrespect and bad behaviour like this!

 

Good luck, and I'll watch for you to start your own thread.

[debilou]

Hello everyone! I've been working 2 jobs lately so no time to vent or analyze my sad marriage.

 

I did however have a huge epiphany!!! When we first started counseling we saw a guy for $95 an hour. I was so afraid my H was suicidal that we went even though we didn't have extra money. Bottom line, he saw us together the first time, my H alone the 2nd, me alone the 3rd, and us together for the last visit.

 

We went through my H's employee benefits insurance and ended up with the MC that said "we have the fix you in order to fix you and your H relationship". It hit me just last week that the first counselor got down to the truth of our problem. I think maybe my H opened up to him more. He explained his SEVERE TRUST issues. The counselor said they could work on it if my H was willing. Something about re programming his "internal dialogue" maybe.

 

Because of the money we started seeing the 2nd MC. It was a $20 co pay. He never really got the nuts and bolts of it like the first guy. So I guess maybe I owe him an apology for not having the full story. Even though I DID try really hard to explain the whole situation to him.

 

I hope you can follow this it's pretty crazy stuff.

 

Last week I asked my H "do you think we're making any progress with Tony (MC)? He said "yes". I said I didn't think we were getting anywhere. I asked him if he would consider going back to the first counselor and he said NO! That's where I left it. We didn't have a good week. I was really mad at him last week. This week I'm ok.

 

He seemed to really enjoy me taking the blame for all things wrong in our relationship. The first counselor didn't see "ME" as the problem. I feel so much better knowing I've done what I can. I've almost given up. There's just a little bit of hope left. I don't want to regret anything.

 

For the record, after the session I had alone with David, he said 3 things to me.

 

1. You should reconsider getting a job with benefits because your children will suffer. Your H won't help you with them anymore than he does now.

 

2. You need to love yourself as much as you love your kids.

 

3. The person that loves the most does the most.

 

He was right. 6 months have gone by and my H has had our children overnight maybe twice.

 

One of his issues with me is that I didn't have a job with benefits. I started UPS in October. 4am to 9am. Part time hours with full time benefits. He moved out 2 weeks before I got the job. My parents have been getting the kids up for school since then.

 

Last week during spring break 3 of the 5 days I worked my 2nd job. 11am to 2pm. I also worked UPS M-F 4a to 9a. He had the kids one of the three days. My oldest is almost 15 so he is certainly old enough to babysit his 9 yo brother. Point being David was right. Regardless of my job demands the H doesn't pitch in anymore than before.

 

In fact one of the things he slams me for is "you're always in bed, your kids have to put themselves to bed". He also says I never spend any time with them. He lives a sad life, full of finger pointing and anger. I'm trying to put my best foot forward with no support from him.

 

I'm ok. I think I'm getting close to filing. Actually I'm gonna give him an ultimatum. Either you go to see David and work on your issues or I'm filing for the D.

 

Big talker right??!!!

 

Debilou

[utterlyheartbroken]

Deb,

 

You and I are in some what similar boats right now. My husband has trust issues too but the difference with your husbands and mine is that mine has his because he was extremely horribly abused all the way around when he was extremely young. I actually the one that asked him the question about his new girlfriend (whom he was stupid enough to bring over here and leave her in the car so I wouldn't know she was with him). That is unless he wanted to me to find out so that he could express the truth to me. He never was very good at lying to me for very long. It's not in his nature to do it. Not the person he is deep down inside. Any ways the point I wasn't shocked about it because the Holy Spirit had expressed to me that it was happening it just was a new kind of hurt all over again because it was confirmed and that is like a mack truck hitting you smack dab in the middle of your stomach and the wind being knocked out of you perminately. Not only did he admit to me about this OW but he told me that her and him have had sex a few times. Mind you we are not legally separated or divorced we're still legally married so yes I could use what he did to me against him in court and I let him know that too. I went of course and justly so, off on him. I told him that he doesn't have time for sex he has a family here that he has to take care of and a daughter that we need to be helped raised and if in the near future (and I said that is a BIG IF) we ever do have sex again you and I are going to have a severe and deep discussion about it first. I also told him that if he wants to have anything to do with me or our daughter he will as of right now stop having sex with her from here on out. If he has to do anything I told him that he has a hand use it! I know that he might not listen to me telling him no more sex, since men can't seem for some odd reason to stop listening to one certain head and since I don't have proof from after our conversation that he would have stopped since our conversation but I am a woman and women know how to tell when a man is lying and when he is telling the truth. That is one of the great things about being a woman I think. I take it as a blessing and sometimes it feels like a curse. The point I told him that if he wants to even try to work things out later on he will not beable to he keeps digging himself deeper and deeper into a pit. I used what he did against me against him and it worked. He is starting to feel major guilt. And I told him that that's good because he should feel ashamed of what he has done and what he has done to our daughter by not being here and being a father to him. I told him that I NEVER EVER thought I ever said this but you are being a very bad father. I reminded him of the way he was before while I was pregnant and how he first was when are daughter was first born. I told him to get his ass in gear and stop screwing around and get his priorities straight and get his ass home soon. I don't know what that did to him but I can tell a definite change in him. He is having a hard time wanting to come over and I think it's because the guilt has made him feel such shame that he can't bear to look me in the face. When I asked him why are you telling me this? What is the point of telling me this? And I said, "Is that why you have been acting weird whenever you come over here to see Cassandra because you've been having sex with this OW and couldn't bear to tell me? And he said very low and slow, "yes." Like some wounded dog that has just gotten hit. I have him eating out of my hand right now and it's only because of God helping me out and him being made to see that what he did was dead wrong.

 

Here's a little background about my husband and our relationship. My husband has Multiple Personally Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and I have been completely and utterly understanding and unconditionally loving to him. I have my problems and faults too but I never expected my husband to judge me wrongly let alone harshly. I expected him to give back to me what I gave to him. Didn't turn out that way. I have bailed him out of a lot of things ever since we met. Which compared to you isn't long. But know this we're soulmates which gives free amount of years because we already knew each other before we met. It was a by chance meeting. Fate is what most people out there call it and love at first sight. A lot of people out there don't believe that can happen but him and I are living breathing proof that it exsits. Him and I still love each other deeply it's just he's got his "past issues" going on that have posed a problem. My past issues have also gotten in the way of our relationship and we both have decided to call a truce and chill out from each other for awhile. Now it took a couple months for him to actually finally say that because he was first saying seperation at first when he first moved out and then a couple days after he moved out divorce. At first I felt your typical feelings that a mate tells you when you first hear from them that they are leaving you and why and off and on I still feel that way but for the most part I feel that once he gets through his crisis in life he will chill out. We look at this as a positive thing. Yes, mind you it still hurts after he told me that him and some OW were "together" but after I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself back off I gave him the altamatum that it's either your family or her and when he reminded me of what he had said not to long ago that he was just using her I told him that that kind of thing it's right. Even if she was willing to sleep with you or if you just told her things so you could get it it just still isn't right. I reminded him that him lying in the end is just biting him in the butt. Not just from our situation but with also her situation. I told him let me guess she thinks that you are now an item and that you will leave me and our kid for her and I right and he said she seems to want a serious relationship with me. And I said well that's just to bad because your still in one and aren't going anywhere. You and I aren't done with each other and not just because we have a child that's just an added perk. So far he has stopped talking or threating divorce and now it's switched around and I'm threatening it and to slam his butt to a wall. So my suggestion give him that altermatum and while your at it have a guy friend there right in front of him while your giving him the altermatum. And start being a little bit affectionate with the guy friend. Like hold his hand in front of your husband which is telling him fine I've takn your advice and I've moved on, see? Tell me what he saids to that. And if he doesn't say anything right away give him awhile. You know how long to give him you know him best. And if nothing seems to change in him and he's still not bothering to try then there's your answer start filing for the divorce. Like I've stated earlier we're in some what similar boats. When men are acting like asses then show them that you don't take crap from them. God NEVER gave man the free reign to mistreat woman. He gave them the opertunity too but the nice thing about it is if any of them screw up and slip up and choose to then there is a nice little thing called karma. You reap whatever you sow. And whatever you sow comes back to you weather it be 3 or 10 fold. And don't forget that. Now don't think that we don't get the same treatment because we do. That's why karma is open to anyone not just man. Man though is the one that was made first and was also the one that God told him he from here on out was to be the head the family. The point don't take anyone's crap but watch what you do and say when you tell a person off or do something to someone because karma will come back and bite you in the butt and smack you in the face. Remember that. I have to go. Write back soon if or when you get the chance. Bye.

[Ladyjane14]

$95. per hour is alot of money. Is there someone else in your husband's medical benefit plan that y'all could see?

 

As hard as you're working, it seems a shame to have to lay out more money than strictly necessary. Having said that, it's not worth the $20. copay that you're giving to the current MC either, when you're not BOTH comfortable and when you're clearly NOT making any progress.

 

I think, in light of the expense, I would call the member services number on the insurance card and ask for a list of participating providers. If that didn't pan out, I would either go back to the first MC.....or I would simply go ahead and file.

 

Filing will make it possible to call your husband into accountability both financially, and in regards to the care of the children.

 

It's sad when it comes to that, but the upside is that it puts YOU back in control of your life.

 

So yeah, long and short of it....if you're ready to back it up, give him the ultimatum. And doesn't it feel better to be in the driver's seat for a change?

[utterlyheartbroken]

Deb, have you ever thought about taking herbal meds? If so, then extra strengh Kava Kava is the best thing to use when you are in mild to severe depression. I am taking Kava Kava extra strength right now and it's been working for me. It started working within that hour to two hours later. Unlike the drugs that the doctors give you to take. You either have to wait a few weeks to a month for the results with their drugs but with the herbal meds they are soooo much safer and have either little or no side effects and work immediately. Mainly they have none. You really might want to try Kava Kava extra strength for your depression. It helps to safely relax your body and to give you peace of mind. E-mail me sometime and we'll talk more about it, ok? Hope to hear from you soon.

[debilou]

April 7 will be 6 months that he's been gone. I talked to him yesterday.

 

He has decided that it took him 18 years to figure out that he doesn't like me. I'm ok with that. The only responsibility he has is to his children. I hope he can be there for them.

 

He did make the statement that "you seem to have adjusted quite well". In reference to him leaving. I asked him did he expect me to curl up and die???He needs TOO MUCH reassurance that I love, need and want him.

 

I asked him if we could try a new counselor and he said no. He's happier alone. I did bring up the OW. He didn't want to talk about her. I told him I thought he was afraid that I wouldn't be able to forgive him but that I could.

 

I'm sad. I've cried a lot more tears. This needs to be over. I hope he can live with the "truth of his choices". I get new insurance coverage soon and will check into family counseling for myself and the boys. We'll be fine. They have a great mother. She just made a bad choice once.

 

In reference to depression. I've been taking fluoxitene (generic prozac) for years. The depression I've had is due to my spouse blaming me for everything not right with his life. I took the blame for a while but not anymore. He has been mentally and emotionally abusing me. I have to save myself and my boys. Life shouldn't be this hard.

 

I'll keep you guys updated. Remember I'll be ok. Actually better when it's all over with.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

Have you decided what you're going to do yet?

[RecordProducer]

"The depression I've had is due to my spouse blaming me for everything not right with his life. I took the blame for a while but not anymore. He has been mentally and emotionally abusing me. I have to save myself and my boys. Life shouldn't be this hard."

 

And you want him back?!?!? Of all the man in the world you want precisely the one who has proven to be bad and treated you poorly for years, and led you to depression? It's just your vanity that's broken in pieces. Be grateful to your husband for leaving. He spared you taking the action yourself.

[debilou]

I DON"T want our old marriage back. I didn't have the tools to be an effective loving wife before we separated. Counseling and the marriage builders web site have offered a ton of information to me. I am not a perfect person. I married my H 18 years ago. He's not perfect either. He is the father of our children. We have a lot in common. I care about him.

 

We are not talking right now. He has real issues that have nothing to do with me. However, I'm great. I feel better about myself every day. Of course there are days when I would love for him to come home and love me but I don't see that happening any time soon.

 

He doesn't have a circle of friends to support him like I do. He's really a loner. I want him to be happy. If I'm the reason he's not happy then I will walk away. I'm very resourceful and independent.

 

Thank you to everyone who care enough to post. I read all the other threads but never have any solid ideas of support for the broken hearted. I have found this web site to be very helpful and somewhat of a crutch. When I'm feeling really down about my marriage I come here.

 

Thanks again, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

If I'm the reason he's not happy then I will walk away.

 

Yeah, I can identify with that. One of the first things I noticed, past my own hurt feelings, was how VERY unhappy my husband was. I do think at the time he blamed me for it. I kind of did too, truth to tell.

 

It's somewhat liberating to say, "I'm not going to be responsible for the state of your happiness". Maybe it allows you to take ownership of your own. (????)

[RecordProducer]

Dear Deb, you know that we can't have everything we want in life. On the other hand, thank god for that, because if we got all the stupid things we wanted in life, our lives would be even more miserable. I so wanted my ex-husband back, we have two kids that were very little at that time. But thank god, my wish was not fulfilled. It's better for the kids and me that it happened so soon. Our marriage was bad and I am so much better off without him. I suffered for a couple of years, but got over. You might find true happiness after the divorce. Now you can't even realize how he really treated you. I thought my ex was almost perfect. Every time I find a new partner (and I have had only 4 relationships so far, not counting the one-night stands) I realize how much the previous partner was wrong.

You will discover happiness that you never had before.

[debilou]

Today is 6 months since he moved out out.

 

I called his "friend" yesterday. I've had her # since he told me "I love you but....". She didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable talking to me. In fact I think she could have talked forever. The conversation went something like this:

 

Me: Hi, this is Debi R_____, Thom's wife.

 

OW: Oh yea, hey.

 

Me: Are you still seeing my husband?

 

OW: We're just friends.

 

Me: But you went on a date with him, to a concert.

 

OW: Yea, the "Big and Rich" concert.

 

Me: And you knew he was married?

 

OW: I knew he was separated. I asked him to go and he said "yes".

 

Me: So it would have been ok for ME to go to the concert with another man???

 

OW: Well that's not for me to say.

 

Me: So what do you think about him quitting his job? (he worked with her)

 

OW: Why would you ask me about that?

 

Me: Because you seem to have more of an inkling as to what he's thinking than I do. He did take you to the concert and NOT me.

 

OW: Well I don't think it was a very smart thing to do.

 

Me: Well I think I've heard enough.

 

And then I hung up.

 

I was surprised that she answered all of my questions. She didn't seem the least bit anxious. Maybe this is an old routine for her.

 

After I got myself together I went to my STBXH's house. I said you want a divorce right? He said "yes". His mother had already told him I called the OW. I didn't mention it at all.

 

I told him "don't show up at my house drunk or you'll be arrested". I made it clear. I'm not playing games. You don't want me so leave me alone. I've had enough mental and emotional abuse. I will call 911 if he comes over drunk again. I think I told you guys about him kicking the truck door and hitting me in the head? I didn't report it, that was a freebie. The next act of violence will have consequences.

 

I asked him not to hurt the kids by being a jerk and saying bad things about me. He said he won't. I can only hope he sticks to it.

 

I've contacted legal aid. I spoke to an attorney yesterday. She doesn't think I qualify but I'm supposed to have an office appointment soon. I have a credit card ready to file for the divorce with.

 

She did confirm that the judge will MAKE him get a job paying the same amount as the one he quit. Right now he doesn't seem even interested in finding one. Who knows what he thinks?!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

OW: I knew he was separated. I asked him to go and he said "yes".

 

WTF! Being "separated", ostensibly to think about your life and your marriage, is NOT a license to date!

 

OW's comment makes it clear that she considers him to be on the market. That can only be because he, himself, led her to believe that.

 

I know you're talking about Plan D here, but why not give some consideration to Plan B instead. You can still call him into accountability, and even start the divorce process if necessary. Plan B will lead very smoothly directly into Plan D when it comes to that.....because you have already withdrawn from the chaos.

 

In doing Plan B first, you'll be able to give him one last-ditch opportunity to come home. I'm sure you're familiar with it, but you would start with the Plan B letter. In this, you provide a "roadmap" on what you expect of him in order for you to be willing to reconcile. You would establish the fact that you do love him, and you want to make the marriage work....but that his choices are destroying your love for him. You would NOT LoveBust, but you would end contact with him. The letter should provide him with alternate means of contact in order to co-parent the children and manage your finances.

 

I've contacted legal aid. I spoke to an attorney yesterday. She doesn't think I qualify but I'm supposed to have an office appointment soon. I have a credit card ready to file for the divorce with.

 

She did confirm that the judge will MAKE him get a job paying the same amount as the one he quit. Right now he doesn't seem even interested in finding one. Who knows what he thinks?!

 

Part of Plan B is calling the WS into accountability on his obligations. The court WILL order him to provide support. You have NOTHING to lose by pursuing that. Plan B allows him to peek through the window, and see what life without you will really be like. He would still have to support his family, but he wouldn't have YOU to rely on in support of his ENs any longer. You would, in essence, withdraw his safety net.

 

And honey, if he even so much as LOOKS at you wrong....don't hesitate to ask for a restraining order.

[debilou]

Call me wishy washy. I had decided the end had come on Wednesday. Thursday I was reading "did your marriage survive after the separation?" thread. I was so relieved to see that people can be separated for a year and still not divorce. I'm hopelessly co dependent.

 

I changed my focus completely. I went to my STBXH house and talked. At first he didn't want to talk until I convinced him that I wouldn't attack him (verbally). I was calm. It started off a little rough but ended quite nicely.

 

I explained to him that one day WE will share grandchildren. We have to get past the anger and communicate. I mentioned that we have had 5 months of counseling and that we SHOULD be able to talk. He agreed.

 

We talked for about 2 hours. I explained to him that I wasn't ready to file for whatever reason. I told him that I'll know when I'm ready. He says he doesn't have a job or he would. I don't really believe that. And if it's true it's ok with me.

 

I explained to him that I don't want any harm to come to him. We can get a divorce without lawyers involved. We can agree to get a divorce. It doesn't have to be ugly.

 

Before everyone over reacts to my "door mat" statements let me say this: I have 2 children with this man. Any harm that he suffers will affect MY children. If he has decided that I'm NOT the woman he should be married to, fine. I will walk away with dignity and grace. To every action there is an equal or greater reaction!!!

 

I feel sorry for him. I love him. He seems to be a broken person. I don't know how things will end but I will be happy with my efforts.

 

LJ, thanks for everything. I'll get on MB to read about the plan B letter. That does sound like what we may need about now. I'm ok. A few more tears but I'm ok.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Okay Sweetie....now it's MY turn to be "wishy-washy"

 

If you're backing off from Plan D...and if he's opening the lines of communications...then MAYBE what you really want is Plan A.

 

(sigh)..... I know that must sound like square one to you again. But he wasn't REALLY communicating before, and now he seems to be opening up a little bit.

 

Plan A is for the guy who's on the fence. It's how you show him that YOU are still the attractive alternative. It does NOT mean that you don't gently but firmly call him into accountability on his responsibilities, but rather...you are PLEASANT while you do it. In Plan A, you are willing to meet EN's.

 

Plan B is for the guy who is off the fence. He's abandoned home and hearth with NO indication that he has ANY plans on changing his stance. Plan B in NO CONTACT. It's a peek through the window of divorce, a chance to see what his life would be like to be TRULY without you. It's a means of removing YOU from the chaos and hurt. It helps you to preserve the love they have for him. In Plan B, you don't meet any of his EN's.....until he's willing to follow the roadmap home.

 

Don't start a Plan B that you're not willing to stick with though. If you feel like you can't stay with it.... Plan A instead. You don't want to send out mixed messages. Plan B is a line drawn in the sand. It's the LAST stand.

 

PM me if you need help.