Recently seperated and depressed

[debilou]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I KNOW I'm better off without him, it is very hard to accept it right now.

 

I've told him repeatedly that "love shouldn't hurt". Everything makes sense with part of the truth exposed. He is living in denial. I used to.

 

I will to CONTINUE to become a better person and mother. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. He came over today (when I wasn't home) and took things like the safe box with the kids birth certificates, ss#, vehicle titles, etc. He didn't tell me I noticed.

 

I know, I know, change the locks. I intend to but I know him well enough to know that he'll break in if he wants in. He's a psycho waiting to be unleashed.

 

The reason I asked about the current fling "lasting" is because I want immediate relief/confirmation knowing he's making the biggest mistake of his life. It's hard being the one always doing the right thing. Nothing will change me, I always TRY to do the right thing. Lately life's been really testing me.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

Do these flings work out? Will they live happily ever after? No, not likely. The relationship is built on a foundation of lies and dishonesty and cheating. Of selfishness and infidelity. They have revealed themselves for who they are, weak, selfish and inconsiderate of everyone else.

 

The fling my STBXW left me for didn't even stick around for her to file for divorce. He got what he wanted, and lost interest. Oh, she still desperately pursues him, because she lives in denial and doesn't want to accept that she threw our marriage away over a guy that would use her and toss her aside. And she won't come back to me because she is too stubborn to admit she was wrong and I was right.

 

Every day will dring you more strength and happiness Debilou. You will soon find yourself happier than you have been for years.

[debilou]

My STBXH uses things that happened (excuses) when we dated (20 yrs ago) as to why he doesn't trust me. How will he ever trust the girl that cheated with him. I haven't pursed ANY information about her or her marital situation. He told me that she was also separated. I will be honest, all the questions consume me. I want to believe that he is ashamed that he was caught cheating. That's why he filed for divorce.

 

I want to believe their fling will completely fizzle! I want to believe that he will come back to me begging, but I don't see that happening. I know I'll be better off in the long run. I have 2 boys that see him as their example. It's my turn to change the future. If I can be strong and show them how you'e supposed to treat people you love, then maybe they have a chance at a normal adulthood.

 

My STBXH is following in his father's foot steps! I would have never believed he was capable. Everyone thought he was different. Even his mother is taking this worse than me. Her only other son is a meth addict. We WERE her only normal part of a family. Now that is over.

 

I appreciate everyone's reply. It feels like people really care. My life is about to get really ugly. Not by my choice. I will always do the right thing. The right thing now is to contact the lawyer.

 

Debi

[Devildog]

Originally posted by debilou

I know I'll be better off in the long run. I have 2 boys that see him as their example. It's my turn to change the future. If I can be strong and show them how you'e supposed to treat people you love, then maybe they have a chance at a normal adulthood.

 

This is one of the things that scared me as well with my situation. My STBXW is so messed up right now, and acting so immature and foolish. She is going to have a long road of getting used and tossed and just genearl unhappiness. I fear that with this example, and my wife being Primary custodial parent, that my daughter will think that is normal. I asked my counselor about that.

 

She told me that she will see it as normal for her Mother. If I am providing an alternative example, a healthy example of how a relationship should be, then my daughter will be fine, in fact she will turn more towards that healthy example as an island of calm in the stormy seas of what her mother provides her.

 

I don't recall how old your children are, but if you are going to be the primary custodial parent you have a really good opportunity to show them what healthy relationships are. They will know the difference.

[debilou]

Update, get ready. He showed up for counseling last night. I was shocked he came. He went in alone with the MC for about 30 minutes. Then I went in alone. He told his mother on Wednesday he filed for a divorce. The counselor told me my STBXH told him"I guess she's going to file for a divorce now". Does our MC have to tell me what my STBXH says or is that confidential?

 

My family believes he's manipulating me. They think he's trying to take advantage of me financially. They think he's trying to keep me hanging on. They REALLY want me to get the divorce moving. I'm so scared. I told my sister I have to think this through.

 

I don't know who to believe anymore.

 

Can someone see what's happening here? I can't.

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

"The counselor told me my STBXH told him"I guess she's going to file for a divorce now". Does our MC have to tell me what my STBXH says or is that confidential?"

 

 

 

In a way I am surprised. Maybe he indicated that it was okay. Would you be comfortable with information going the other way? If not you better mention that you expect your conversations to be private.

 

Then again, the counselling is for you both as a "couple", not for each of you as individuals. Maybe you should just ask the cousellor, it's a good question.

 

When my ex and I were in counselling I never said anything in private, that I wouldn't say if we were all together. I think when stuff is held back it is counter-productive to what you are trying to achieve. Just my two cents.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

I don't know who to believe anymore.

 

Can someone see what's happening here? I can't.

 

I think that you are possibly the ONLY person who is in a position to see what is happening.

 

Your family will vilefy him, because they are loyal to you and because he is hurting you. Throw their opinions out. They are not impartial.

 

Your husband is acting on his own emotions, and is very obviously self-serving at this time. He is unwilling, perhaps unable, to put your best interests ahead of his own. His opinion is also invalid to a certain degree. His depression and unhappiness are making choices for him.

 

You are also having your decisions made for you. Because you still have not chosen your course based upon your own desires. You can't work towards ANY goal until you know what it is.

 

As I told you before, the steps that you will need to undertake in order to save the marriage will go against your natural instincts. You would have to be committed to saving it, and willing to risk yourself emotionally to make it happen.

 

If divorce is what you seek, you have to be willing to pursue that goal just as strongly. Indecision will make you miserable on that score, and you will feel like a victim unless it is YOUR choice.

 

You have two paths laid before you. Neither will bring you a guarantee of happiness without regret. But....the confusion goes away once the course is selected.

 

If you continue to allow other people and other circumstances to make your choices for you....then YOU never get a choice.

[debilou]

LJ,

 

I think I understand what you're saying about "saving the marriage". However, he rejects me at every level. He's been rejecting me for 4 months. He saw a lawyer in early October but I told him I didn't want a divorce. I didn't know there was OW. That hurts. Really hurts.

 

Last night I made a list of reasons to get a divorce and they started adding up. I think the reason he's been so angry at me is that it's going to hurt him in the wallet to divorce me and move on to the OW.

 

I know my husband really well. I believe he has decided she is what he wants. I will accept that. I don't see any other way to live. I don't intend to look for another relationship immediately or even soon. I will continue counseling and try to lose this depression. This has been a long and rough road.

 

I don't want a divorce, I can't stay married to a man that doesn't love me. Actions speak louder than words. He has put me through he!! lately. He has lots of issues he needs to deal with. I can't fix him and apparently he doesn't want to help himself.

 

The counselor told me that he is either in denial or out of touch with reality. I'm not sure what it is but I know I've done all I can do. I will always take the high road.

 

Right now I've just stepped back and watch what happens next. I have a great part time job that I love. I have 2 boys 9 & 14 that require a lot of time and love.

 

I appreciate your advice and time more than you know. I look forward to reading your posts!

 

Debilou

[Mr Spock]

One thing you should do is try a new counsellor. I think yours is a moron.

[debilou]

Mr. Spock,

I wish I could say you were the first person to have that opion. You're not.

 

In fact, I asked the MC Thursday what his specialty was. His reply: "Teaching people to trust themselves, blah, blah, blah"

 

I already trust myself. I have been patient with this whole mess. I just want it to be over. This web site has been a great leaning post.

 

I know I have issues but at least adultery isn't one of them!

 

Yea for me!

 

Debilou

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by debilou

Mr. Spock,

I wish I could say you were the first person to have that opion. You're not.

 

In fact, I asked the MC Thursday what his specialty was. His reply: "Teaching people to trust themselves, blah, blah, blah"

 

I already trust myself. I have been patient with this whole mess. I just want it to be over. This web site has been a great leaning post.

 

I know I have issues but at least adultery isn't one of them!

 

Yea for me!

 

Debilou

 

I think you should get a referral from your physician-not for a shrink, but a well respected trusted counsellor. NOT a marriage counsellor. Get away from that idiot and his kin. They, like many supposed "planned parenthood" clinics have deeper darker agendas than they let on.

[Other Man]

Whatever you do, do not take any medication, your problem will still be there when the "loopy" feeling is gone. Is there something that you always wanted to do but couldn't because you where married? well here's a good time to do it, I wouldn't know about being married or the divorce part, but get over it as face as you can, don't let it eat at you. there is a whole world out there that you haven't seen yet.

[Mr Spock]

I disagree. Now is not the time to make lifestyle choices.

 

 

Get thee to a better counsellor, some you can TALK to for christsake who won't lay the blame at your door.

[debilou]

Thanks guys!

 

I'm pretty level headed. Usually. The thing that's been eating at me is the indecision on my H part. It's because he had the OW. Duh!!

 

I don't want to compete with someone else. This life is too short.

 

The counselor seems to just talk with me about making me better. I guess he thinks I have a long way to go. I should point out that I do see a psychiatrist. I have ADHD with a capital Hyper Activity. I take medication that has helped alot. I can overwhelm the average Joe.

 

None of this is really the problem. I believe my STBXH has more issues than I will ever have. Maybe I'm being judgemental again, oops! My STBXH really enjoyed seeing me distraught over him leaving. Now that the truth has been exposed, lets see where everything stops spinning.

 

He is in complete denial about the affair. I've been to the marriage builders web site about infidelity. Thank God it exists.

 

He wants me to believe "they're just friends". Sure, OJ!!!

 

I'll continue to see our MC alone until I don't feel we're getting anywhere. My story should be coming to an end. At least the indecision on my H part about being married. I'm at the NC stage now. He can't have his cake and it too, that is if I'm the cake!

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

The thing that's been eating at me is the indecision on my H part.

 

Is he really undecided? Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems to me he did make a decision. The decision to cheat on you. It may not have been a good one, or the right one, but it was a decision. Doesn't it really just come down to what YOU want? Do you still want him? Can get past of the the things that you'll need to get past? Can he be trusted? Does he want to work it out or is the couselling for nothing more than appearances or a stalling tactic?

 

In my case I regret wasting so much energy, time and love (and money) on a marriage that realistically was doomed. I'd have seen that if I looked hard enough. Id have known that if I only listened to my head instead of my heart. I'm too friggin' trusting. Having said that, the upside is I can walk away with a clear concience knowing I did all I could to not put my kids through this... and that in itself is something I suppose.

 

As Lady Jane wisely pointed out, everyone is different, every situation is different. You need to figure out what YOU want.

 

Good luck.

[debilou]

So I guess you're asking for the truth. I'm co dependent. He's dysfunctional. I was dependent on this sad marriage. I KNOW I'll be better off without him. He didn't even try to meet any of my emotional needs. It's all about him. High maintenance.

 

My job now would be to fix my problems and not find someone just as needy as him to fall for, right? That's the plan. Wish me luck.

 

I believe he made a decision. He wants the OW. Great~have a ball. Leave me alone.

 

My STBXH has some sort of ridiculous hold over me. No one ever thought it would be that way, but it was. I was always trying to make things "ok". Even before he told me "how miserable he was" it was my unwritten job to make him happy. That ended with the evidence of the OW.

 

I believe he did file for divorce and didn't want the counselor to tell me. He lives to hurt me. He's done a real good job of that lately. Love doesn't hurt. He is a sad excuse for a husband and father.

 

I do love him but in my best interest I should find someone to care about me. I know I have a long road to travel.

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

I know that probably sounds easy for me to ask you these questions. I am not a part of what you are going through.

 

My situation was somewhat similar in that my wife, after admitting that she had an affair, she later tried to back pedal saying they were just "friends". A load of BS. I don't know whether they were sleeping together, they were never caught in the sack just sneaking around. My wife originally admitted (after I found a letter to him and she had no way out) that what they were doing was worse than a sexual affair. That is how I felt, screwing is one thing, screwing with someone's heart and destroying families is quite another. I actually respected her for recognizing that. It would have been far easier to deal with it if it was merely a physical thing.

 

I wish that when I first found that letter, that someone asked me some of these same questions that have been asked to you. I wanted to believe, I didn't want to feel like a failure, I did not want my kids to be from a broken home. She sucked me right in. AGAIN, boy am I a dork. She made it look like she was trying for a little, then she quit even that and was right back up to her old tricks. THAT is when I pulled the plug. Nearly ywo years AFTER finding out about her affair. In the end I decided that I was not going to be disrespected and my kids were better off in a broken home than an unhappy one with us all together. She mistook my patience and trusting nature (or foolish nature) as a lack of backbone. Wrong!!

 

I only tell you these things because I guess maybe I am a place in my life where these sorts of answers seem so obvious. Why? Because the emotion is gone, the hurt is (mostly) gone. The anger is (mostly) gone. Everything is still fresh for you. It's still very emotional. The feeling of hurt, betrayal, anger and "Why?" are still very strong. As you begin to deal with the emotional stuff it will be much easier to see the path that is right for you - whatever you choose.

 

If you do decide to try to work it out and do the "new star thing" like I did, be sure that you can get past all that has happened. That turned out to be more difficult than I ever imagined. Although I don't know that I had a fighting chance because the OM was my best friend, and he was never entirely out of the picture as I later discovered. I found out that the only person that I could count on was me and when I finally made the decision, that was it - no turning back, no second guessing. In my mind and my heart it was OVER.

 

Take what we all tell you here with a grain of salt. We are not you. You have a history with this man - we don't. I don't even pretend that any of this is easy for you (it might sound that way), just don't stay with someone who disrespects you simply because you are afraid to be alone. It would be a shame to meet the perfect man down the road and not be in a position to see where that might lead.

[debilou]

Amen!

 

I have no idea what will happen next. I do know he enjoys hurting me. He seems to be on a real power trip.

 

Any way you look at it he is the biggest loser. My kids don't even ask about him. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. I didn't want that for my children either. I've realized I don't control a whole lot that goes on around me. My biggest goal is that the boys grow to be strong, happy, well adjusted adults who don't commit adultery.

 

The biggest source of tension in our home for me was the fact that he spent no real time enjoying life with me and our 2 boys. Our oldest will be 15 in May. Our youngest will be 10 in June, he has MILD cerebral palsy. I also believe that was part of the un perfect picture for him. I am only responsible for me. I sleep well at night.

 

Don't get me wrong, there are visions that flash in my head that make me want to hurl. Betrayed is too gentle a word to describe the disgusting feelings I get. I assume in order for him to leave he had to "re write" our relationship to seem so wrong. The only thing wrong was that he no longer wanted to be a part of our family. Ok, just tell the truth, OJ!!

 

Apparently he took the week off to get everything in order. He comes and goes as he pleases. I go to my room and wait for him to leave. He doesn't stay but 5 or 10 minutes maybe. Of course he comes over when I'm not home and takes whatever he wants. Fine with me, just leave me alone!!

 

No tears today, that's a start. My kids are great. We're a great family together.

 

Thanks, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Yikes

I only tell you these things because I guess maybe I am a place in my life where these sorts of answers seem so obvious. Why? Because the emotion is gone, the hurt is (mostly) gone. The anger is (mostly) gone. Everything is still fresh for you. It's still very emotional. The feeling of hurt, betrayal, anger and "Why?" are still very strong. As you begin to deal with the emotional stuff it will be much easier to see the path that is right for you - whatever you choose.

 

This is an excellent post. I've read some of the last few posts you've made, Debilou, and your anger is so fresh right now. Who wouldn't be angry in your position?

 

Those angry emotions have to be quiet in order for you to choose your path. I think it's clear from reading Yikes' post that choices become clearer when the noise level of high emotions recedes.

 

I still think that YOU should be in the position of choice as to what your next actions will be, but maybe you should step back for a few days until your anger is under control. (????)

 

I'm not sure what the facts are about the OW.....if he's having an emotional affair or a sexual one. I doubt that it's a 'just friends' scenario, because he doesn't seem to be sharing his feelings with you, but rather with her. He may not know the definition of 'emotional affair' however. And if that's the case and he's not being sexual with her, you're probably looking like a psycho to him right about now.

 

You say that you love him, and you also say that he " enjoyed seeing me distraught over him leaving" and that "he lives to hurt me" . Why would you love someone that you thought was capable of enjoying your suffering?

 

I think maybe that's your anger talking. (????)

 

Originally posted by Yikes

In my case I regret wasting so much energy, time and love (and money) on a marriage that realistically was doomed.

 

The way things stand today, I can't see how you and your husband will reconcile the marriage. I think you could be spinning your wheels here, and suffering needlessly in the process. Because I think maybe each of you is waiting for the other to 'pull the fat out of the fire'.

 

You seem to be under the impression that his decision is the only one that counts, and that you don't have choices. He can decide to get a divorce. He can get one too if that's his decision. But you can still elect to 'go down swinging' if that's YOUR choice....either to fight for the marriage, or to f*ck him up in the settlement, or even to do an amicable split. You still have power, baby.

 

It has to be whatever is right for you, and what you will be happiest living with later. But you can't make those decisions in the heat of the moment.

 

Deep Breaths, Honey. You're gonna get through this.

[Yikes]

I meant to paste this link before. It's an excellent article on "Just Friends".

 

http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/1029/p14s01-lire.html

 

 

For my new start, I decided a few things. (in no particular order)

 

1) Worry about the things that I can control and accept the things that I can't.

 

2) "Put away" the hurt and anger so it will not mess up my new start.

 

3) Regain total control of my financial life and my emotional life.

 

4) Simplify my life wherever I could and don't make problems any larger than they have to be. They are easier to manage that way.

 

5) All of this was VERY expensive. I made a budget and I stick to it. I pay bills the day that they arrive. If they are large ones (like my lawyer), I pay a little each month (little bites as I like to call them) until it's paid in full.

 

You and the kids will get through this and listen to Lady Jane... she (and a few others) dish out some of the best nuggets of common sense that you're likely to find in these forums.

[debilou]

I guess the reason I don't feel like I have a choice is because he has said:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

 

"I don't feel about you the way I used to"

 

"I want a divorce"

 

"I'm not sure I want you and the boys"

 

I can't make him stay with me and our children. I know you say that you have to implement a great Plan A first but let me tell you being lied to makes it a little difficult. This has been a hard 4 months. I know you know my story. You give great advice to everyone.

 

I agree, I just want to step back and let the pieces fall where they may. I know I deserve to be treated better.

 

He has given me so much to trash him about but I don't feel the need. I've only given you guys a small amount of information. Probably so I don't look like such a victim.

 

Tomorrow is a new day. Each day I feel a little better about myself.

 

Thanks, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

I guess the reason I don't feel like I have a choice is because he has said:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

 

"I don't feel about you the way I used to"

 

"I want a divorce"

 

"I'm not sure I want you and the boys"

 

 

Sweetie, they ALL say that! It doesn't mean a thing except that their heads are on backwards. Fogbabble.

 

I can't make him stay with me and our children. I know you say that you have to implement a great Plan A first but let me tell you being lied to makes it a little difficult.

 

They all lie.....not only to their spouses, but to themselves as well. You're right, you can't make him stay. But you can't do an effective Plan A in your current state. Your heart's not in it right now.

 

I just want to step back and let the pieces fall where they may. I know I deserve to be treated better.

 

Everybody deserves better treatment than what you're getting. Unfortunately, it just doesn't always work that way, and we have to play the cards we're dealt. Allowing "the pieces fall where they may" is okay, IF that is TRULY what you want. Personally, I'd have a hard time with the idea that I had NOT been proactive. But that's me, and not you.

 

He has given me so much to trash him about but I don't feel the need. I've only given you guys a small amount of information. Probably so I don't look like such a victim.

 

Tomorrow is a new day. Each day I feel a little better about myself.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to say 'enough is enough'. If you want a divorce from this man, you don't have to justify that to anyone. He's the one who decided to leave. You are free. You can choose whatever you want now.

 

Just don't let your anger choose for you.

 

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

I guess the reason I don't feel like I have a choice is because he has said:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

 

"I don't feel about you the way I used to"

 

"I want a divorce"

 

"I'm not sure I want you and the boys"

 

Saving your marriage is something that is out of your control. For any hope at all you BOTH need to be on board and clearly he is not.

 

You are right, it just plain sucks to be lied to. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

 

"I'm not sure I want you and the boys"

 

All I can say is "Ouch!!" That one would cut me deep, the kids are so innocent. I'm sorry, this guy's a dick.

 

I can't make him stay with me and our children.

 

... and you shouldn't have to. How good would that be anyway?

 

I know I deserve to be treated better.

 

Absolutely. Your catching on faster than I did.

 

Do you ever feel like a deer caught in the headlights? I have been on my own for 1 1/2 years, but we have been done for nearly 2. I still have the ocassional bad day. Everytime I have to take the kids back to my ex after my week, I want to drive directly to his house and kick him in the balls. I still wake up furious sometimes in the middle of the night after dreaming. I dream that we are together like we used to be in our old house... but the difference is I KNOW. I have had some wicked arguments and fights with both of them in my dreams.

 

All I can tell you is it will take a while for this crap to go away (if it ever totally goes away at all), but trust me it WILL get better.

[Yikes]

I just had a thought... maybe all three of us need a good smack upside the head... what a crappy way to spend a Saturday night.

 

Gotta find the humour!

[debilou]

LJ,

 

Do you really believe all men lie? That's hard for me. I don't lie. I have no reason to. When I mentioned I could trash him for things he's done I was being gentle. Not the greatest role model anyone could choose for their kids. When I married him I DIDN'T know he was such a loser.

 

He has a sick obsession with ME! He doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. Time will tell.

 

He didn't think he would get caught with the OW. He denies it so he probably thinks I'm not positive but I am! At what point do you cut your losses and move on to a normal relationship?

 

It's been pointed out to me that I have played counselor to him for the majority of our marriage. That comes naturally to me. It's hard trying NOT to be myself. I am a caretaker, nurturer, optimist, an all around decent human being. He doesn't see that. He has bashed me for 6 months, he's been gone for 4.

 

Yikes,

 

Are you male or female?

 

I really believe right now it's best to let him figure out what he wants. I want to be a family. I don't want him to come back because it's the best thing for everyone. His father died 3 years ago. We inherited his house. That's when things got weird. He had a Jerry Springerish childhood. Sure things looked great on the outside. His dad had affair, after affair. He mother attempted suicide more than once. If you met her you would never believe it. She seems like the normal one. They divorced when my H was 18 or 19. A year later she moved back in with the jerk. She built her own house but continued to live with him. He continued to have other women. It was their drama. I don't choose that Bulls***!!!!

 

That's enough for now. I do believe it's my chance to make things right for my boys. They need to see a healthy relationship. Our oldest knows about the OW. He's the one who told me. Great huh? I believe our oldest son has grown to more maturity than his father. I hate that this BS came into his precious world. I will do the best I can.

 

My oldest son and I were at the counselor Thursday night waiting to see him. Out of the blue his dad comes in. He is embarrassed that his son got the phone call from the OW. He went in to talk for about 30 minutes, then I went in. While I was in with the MC he "apologized" to our son for lying about the OW. Still lying of course. That's why I call him "OJ". He can't tell the truth. The reason my son was with me at the counselor is because he asked to go to talk. We have been through enough.

 

Enough is enough.

 

Thanks to everyone!

 

Debilou