Recently seperated and depressed

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

Yikes,

 

Are you male or female?

 

 

I thought that it was obvious.

 

Male, married for 17 years, separated for 1 1/2, 2 kids we share custody of a week at a time. Found out about their affair 2 days before our 15th wedding anniversary via an extremely painful letter that I intercepted.

 

Does that help?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

LJ, Do you really believe all men lie?

 

Nope, what I meant was that cheaters all lie during their affairs.

 

Enough is enough.

 

Once you've embraced this, you're gonna start feeling better. It's the sense of doubt and fear of the future, that makes it all so difficult.

 

Maybe consider dropping the Marriage Counselor, like Spock suggested, and getting into Family Counseling with another therapist since your boys seem to be ready to talk about it. This could help everyone make the transition, and could be inclusive of your STBX....or not.

 

Originally posted by Yikes

I just had a thought... maybe all three of us need a good smack upside the head... what a crappy way to spend a Saturday night.

 

Gotta find the humour!

 

Ain't it the truth!

[debilou]

Yikes,

 

Ok, I get it. You want to kick the OM in the balls. Right now I have anger only at my STBXH. It's really early for me. I have moments where I would love for him to come home. I can't see that happening.

 

Everyday brings a new change. If I'm served with papers this week at least I'll know who he was lying to.

 

Does it really matter? I guess not.

 

LJ,

 

I know I have to decide about my marriage but I haven't yet, not really. I dreamed about him last night. A nightmare I guess.

 

Thanks Debilou

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

 

You want to kick the OM in the balls.

 

I have no intention of doing that by the way (not that he doesn't deserve it). No good would come of that, and besides, he's a cop and the law really frowns on assaulting police officers. I do wish that he could feel just a little bit of the pain that he has helped bring to my life though. So you see, it's been a couple of years for me and I STILL have my moments of anger, but thankfully my common sense is stronger.

 

The closest thing that I have done to make him feel my pain, was once I was a half hour early dropping the kids back at my ex's. His truck was her drive. I could have given him room to get out because I KNEW he would be uncomfortable and want to bolt. No such luck - I pulled right up tight behind his truck so he couldn't leave. As soon as he realized that we were there he came out to get in his truck to leave. I made him sit there and squirm as I unloaded my kid's stuff and hugged them good-bye in the driveway. I also made sure that we made eye contact as I walked past his truck on the way back to my car, but I didn't say a word. I could tell that at that moment, he felt pretty damn small... and he should have. So there are ways of exacting just a little revenge that still keep you on the high road.

 

Give it time, everything will get clearer.

[debilou]

For some strange reason I'm having a really weak day. I was going through a lot of paper work that has piled up recently. I started making a stack for the STBXH.

 

I gently included in his pile:

The copy of "When just friends is wrong", the kids flight information, and the perfect paragraph: "watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

 

Putting those things in his stuff goes against my instinct to take the high road but as I stated earlier, I'm having a weak day.

 

I miss the man I married. I don't know where it all went wrong. I'll survive.

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Hey, quietly putting that stuff in with his paperwork still keeps you on the high road in my book. You could after all shove it down his throat with a 9 iron in a fit of anger! Who knows? Maybe he'll read it and it'll make the error of his ways clear to him? Not likely, he probably won't like you pointing out to him what he already knows, but doesn't want to admit... but you made your point.

[debilou]

When I picture him with her I stop wanting to be nice. Problem is I want what's best and I really don't know what that is yet.

 

He most likely won't come by today. I do believe he filed for divorce. That should be all I need to keep me motivated.

 

Monday starts a new week. Who knows what it will bring.

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

There is a couple of sayings that come to mind here.

 

Kill him with kindness.

 

If he keeps trying to get you worked up and you don't fall for it, that will keep him guessing and drive him nuts. If you don't explode, he cannot go around saying that you did this and you said that. He'll just have to say nothing or make things up and if he makes things up, eventually everyone else will figure that out. Fortunately, to my knowledge my ex has rarely bad mouthed me and as hard as it was, I was determined not to give her any ammo.

 

If he can goat you into making yourself look bad, it takes the focus away from the lousy things that he's been up to. It also justifies in his own mind that he had good reasons to do what he did.

 

 

The best revenge is him seeing you happy and doing fine.

 

He probably expects you to collapse and beg for him to come back and wouldn't it be fun to surprise him.

 

Both of these are good in my opinion because you demonstrate strength and control and you are not doing anything that can come back and bite you in the butt. Look for other outlets to get rid of your anger, work out, go for a bike ride, do some yard work. Remember, the right things to do are often the most difficult.

 

Good luck.

[Mr Spock]

Yes, good luck and keep updating.

[debilou]

Thanks guys!

 

You have no idea, no wait, maybe you do, how good I feel when I get an email noting a reply.

 

Wednesday my boys leave for 5 nights. Ski trip. Maybe then I'll be able to focus on the realities of this world.

 

See ya, Debilou

[debilou]

Update!

 

The STBXH's check has been electronically deposited on time without fail since he moved out. Until today.

 

I predict he did file for a divorce and needed todays paycheck to get it started. I guess he chose the OW over me. I've done all I can do.

 

I will NOT call him. I handle all the bills including the electric bill where he lives.

 

Let's see how much integrity he has left. It is his responsibility to contact me about the $$$! Maybe he has it all planned to come over or call to explain that he filed for the D, he will give me X amount of money, etc.

 

I doubt that he will face reality. I've said it before, a divorce will leave him with very little.

 

I wonder how much advice the OW gives? Also, wouldn't it be funny if she thinks he has MONEY. We have a little money together but divorcing me will leave him in the red.

 

I do feel sorry for him. I guess the anger will come when I'm served?!

 

Debilou

[debilou]

He came by last night about 7pm. First time he's knocked. He handed me $700 I said thanks, he left. He called about an hour later to ask about the boys trip.

 

$700 is about 1/2 of his check. I pay all the bill for our household. What is he thinking??????????

 

Ok, so I've decided to go out tonight. Wish me luck.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

So was this going out a girls night kind of thing, or was there someone special you went out with? Have a good time?

[debilou]

Well, well, well,...

 

He came home?! It's over this quick?! I wasn't expecting this to happen yet. I know we have a lot of work to do. I told him about marriagebuilders.com.

 

I didn't have plans with any male friends, just the girls. But she backed out at the last minute. No problem. The H and I talked and talked and talked.

 

We haven't ironed out all the details yet. I'll keep you guys informed. I'm kinda gun shy. We both probably are.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

Best of luck to you debilou. I hope things work out. Just make sure you are both willing to do what is required to fix things. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[Yikes]

Yea, what DD said.

 

Hoping the best for you.

[Ladyjane14]

Go slow Sweetie. Watch the LB's. And when you don't know what to say or do next, don't be afraid to say so.

 

Post when you can.

[debilou]

Forget the last post, I guess he just wanted to see if I would STILL take him back. Get this one. His main problem now is that he can't trust me. He's having the affair. I have had no extra marital affairs yet he doesn't trust me.

 

Is this the shell game or what? I knew it was too good to be true. I honestly believe he's mentally unbalanced. Why else would someone do what he's done?

 

I feel as though I've given all my power away. The kids didn't know he "came home". They were still out of town. At least he's not trying to play head games with them.

 

I understand "I" must have a real problem. What woman would want to continue in a marriage where she is mentally and emotionally abused? I'm still working on myself.

 

Lets all remember: That which does not kill us makes us stronger! I must be working for a world record!

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

Forget the last post, I guess he just wanted to see if I would STILL take him back. Get this one. His main problem now is that he can't trust me. He's having the affair. I have had no extra marital affairs yet he doesn't trust me.

 

Boy that send up red flags! He's not sure that he can trust YOU?

 

I hope that you don't settle and make it easy for him. He needs to prove to YOU that HE can be trusted and above all wants things to work out... and it needs to be more than just words. After what he's done, I wouldn't make this easy for him, he's put you and your kids through way too much.

 

Stay strong Debilou.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by debilou

Get this one. His main problem now is that he can't trust me. He's having the affair. I have had no extra marital affairs yet he doesn't trust me.

 

Translation: I don't trust you to not make me pay for what I have done. Plain and simple. He doesn't think it should be held against him. And he doesn't want to have to face the consequences of his actions.

 

 

Lets all remember: That which does not kill us makes us stronger! I must be working for a world record!

 

Debilou

 

Hey, I have heard that before. Hang in there debilou. Believe it or not, what he is doing will make it easier for you to walk away with your head high.

[debilou]

My head is so blurry right now I can't analyze things. But, I did have a feeling he wasn't ready to pay for the affair. Maybe I should have used the bait and switch analogy. I'm so lost. I don't know which way is up!

 

I didn't even ask him to come home.

 

I have considered calling the OW. Just to see if our stories match. He told me that she wasn't interested in him if he was still attached. If only she knew what a head case he is. God only knows what her deal is!

 

I know I should walk, no run, away. Straight to the lawyer. I'm just not ready yet. I have decided that I won't allow him to emotionally and mentally attack me anymore. Cut and dry. I am strong, I can overcome this bulls***!!!

 

DL

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

He told me that she wasn't interested in him if he was still attached.

 

That must have been an interesting conversation....considering the fact that he's been denying the existance of OW for so long. How would he even know something like that if they were indeed "just friends"???

 

I have decided that I won't allow him to emotionally and mentally attack me anymore.

 

Are you still going to MC together? If he's not giving you an honest attempt at reconciliation, why let him use you for an emotional crutch?

 

Withdrawal on your part will force him into reliance on OW in order to get his EN's met. Be sure you're willing to 'go there'.

[debilou]

LJ,

 

The actual picture now is that he "can't trust me". Before we were married and officially broke up at the time, I was with another guy. No sex! He is hanging on this incident. Making me the bad guy. Yes, I say to him "you're having an affair while we're married, I was with a guy before we were married"!!!

 

He basically isn't in touch with reality. Or is he using the other guy thing as an excuse to divorce me for the OW? Who knows?!

 

We have MC scheduled for tomorrow. I'll be there. He shows up everyday to re hash the other guy thing. Not the OW. He said today that he's not having an affair! Ok. It's the weirdest story yet, right? He's still very angry at me.

 

I'm confused. He's mad at his mom because we get along. He feels like she chose his side. He is a world of problems. I haven't given up yet but my emotions are becoming more stable. This has been going on for so long.

 

He moved out 10-7-04. I haven't filed for a D. Sometimes I don't know what I'm waiting for. But I'm getting stronger again. Tuesday was a day full of tears. I'll recover.

 

Thank you to all who care. I can only talk about this situation with 1 friend who believes you marry for life, and his mother. My family and all other friends think I'm wasting my life on a jerk. I know I get to choose to love or not love the jerk. I make my own decisions, oh except for the OW thing. Yuck!

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

debilou, Ladyjane is a great advisor on this subject. Listen to her. If there is hope for your marriage, she is one of the best to guide you there.

 

She has posted almost as many times as me on that montserous, 245 post thread of mine.

 

My situation didn't turn out the way I had hoped it would. But you know what, I am happy with the resolution of things. And the stronger you get as time passes, you will see your path more clearly. And you might enjoy the destination more than you thought you would.

[debilou]

We had counseling Thursday. Silly me thought he would show up. I guess he can't face reality. Or did he just decide on the OW?

 

I'm ok. Still I have 1% of hope left for some strange reason. Why do I torture myself? It's hard to picture him without me. I guess it's not hard for him to see himself without me. He's been gone 4 1/2 months.

 

Maybe this week he'll make a real decision and let everyone know what his intentions are. Yesterday was the closest I've come to calling the OW. I didn't. I'm proud of myself for having some dignity.

 

In my last post I said that he's mad at his mom for taking his side, sorry, he's mad at her because she wants us to be together. He hasn't spoken to her since last Sunday when he told her he was coming home. I was the one who told her he changed his mind.

 

His moods and choices change from one extreme to the other. He seems so unstable. Why do I care? I guess because I love some part of him. Why would I want to be with someone who has emotionally and mentally abused me for 6 months? I asked the counselor that one. His reply: "Love is a strange thing". Is it love or dysfunction???

 

Debilou