Recently seperated and depressed

[debilou]

Just thought I'd check in. Not much to update.

 

I finally got away from the MC from hell. Tomorrow I will be seeing the original counselor for IC. He's the guy who pegged the problem from the beginning. My H has "extreme trust issues" and "needs to change his internal dialogue".

 

About a month ago I asked my H if he would consider going back to him and he said "NO". I guess he has reconsidered. He has an appointment right after me. Also for IC. Lets see what happens.

 

I'm convinced he is either on drugs or has had a complete mental breakdown. Still unemployed. That's the biggest shock of all.

 

I took a giant step toward independence Monday. I bought a new car. It's an '04 Toyota Camry. It's in my name only. I'm so happy to have reliable transportation!!! I've realized my H wants me to be completely dependent on him. Not!!!

 

I'll let ya'll know how things progress. I'm doing much better.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the update Debilou. I was wondering how you were doing.

 

Hopefully, the new counselor will help you move things along....one way or the other.

[debilou]

I've seen the counselor twice since my last post. My husband made his appointment and has another one this week.

 

The counselor is helping me become an "individual". He doesn't talk about my H with me and vice versa.

 

"Time will tell" is basically what he says about the marriage. He says the same thing the other counselor said only a lot nicer and I feel better when it comes from him.

 

I KNOW he will make my H stop giving his list of usual excuses and step up. I feel like this will lead somewhere.

 

I asked his opinion of the OW and he said "Time will tell" and I'm ok with that.

 

 

I opened my own checking account today. I work part time. About 28 hours a week between two jobs. I have a car payment now. That's a good thing. The counselor wants me to become financially independent. He's supporting ME where the other guy said things like: try to look at his side of things, he's fragile right now, you're over whelming to him, your meds aren't working, and the list continues.

 

I'll be fine. I feel great. Just a little tired.

 

My oldest son is 15 today!!! He's wonderful. My youngest will be 10 June 2nd. Life does go on.

 

Debilou

[debilou]

Lots of drama. I guess my H wants to control me. He's really lost his mind if he believes that will happen forever.

 

So far the counselor has been right. He said at our first meeting: "If your H does show up for counseling it will be a fishing expedition to see if I will make you dance" and "if he does come it will be a one time session".

 

He had the one visit. He said he had a dermatology appointment and couldn't make the second visit.

 

The counselor has helped me a great deal. Our second session he urged me to stop defending myself. Wow, what a difference that made. Drove my H nuts. He completely freaked out, the usual accusations, etc. I just stood there. He hated me "not reacting". I finally see how a dysfuctional relationship works.

 

I still haven't filed for divorce. A small or maybe not so small part of me still loves him. The good him, not the person he's turned into. I see the counselor on Thursday. Maybe a few more nuggets of gold will help me end this nonsense. I will divorce him if he doesn't get counseling for himself. That's the last string I'm holding onto.

 

He still doesn't have a job. Divorce is my only option to get control of myself financially. I just found some stock certificates I had forgotten about. That thrilled me. I think my H isn't working just to hurt me. It's working a little bit. I'm ok though.

 

He spends no time with the kids. He was getting them up for school but that ended last week. His cell phone was cut off because the bill hadn't been paid. Gee, amazing how the real world works. His mom gave him a check to cover it. Hmmm, enabling???

 

The counselor had me do a few other things like give him HIS bills. Mind you I haven't received a penny from him in 2 months. I'm barely making it. My mom has helped me a little.

 

I just continue to give him the benefit of the doubt for some reason. I guess I'm expecting a miracle.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Glad to hear that the new counselor is working out. You sound ALOT more upbeat and self-assured.

 

I'm flabbergasted that your husband still isn't working or paying any support. I know that he's got emotional problems right now, and suffering in his own way.....but DAMN! Does he think that the kids don't need food and clothing anymore? Maybe they'd like to go to college someday.

 

Has he given you any reasons why he won't get a job?

 

You know, the court can order him to obtain legitimate work, AND to support his children. But you'd likely have to file for divorce in order to get all that before a judge. AND, even then it'll take time, maybe quite a bit of time.

 

I know you want to be patient, and give him the opportunity to work through his issues, but you'll need to watch your financial situation VERY carefully.

[debilou]

I guess I'm hopelessly co dependent. I talked to him this morning. He still blames me for EVERYTHING.

 

I asked him if he would go to counseling for himself. "I don't know" is his answer. I told him I needed money for child support. His reply "you bought a new car". I'm in a no win situation.

 

I told him "if you're NOT on drugs then go to counseling". I've known him for 23 years. He has never been without a job. He is full of excuses. None that have any real value.

 

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It seems divorce is the only answer.

 

I brought up the kids. His reply: "Debi, you've ran me into the ground so much my kids don't want to be around me!" It seems he's given up on life itself.

 

What is really going on here?? Drugs? Mental breakdown? The Other Woman? I'm lost ! ! !

 

I need to get past this crazy stuff and move on with a real life.

 

Counseling tomorrow a.m. One step closer to wholeness.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

I gotta tell you, Debi....you've got a softer heart than mine. I'd have taken off the kid-gloves by now.

 

What is really going on here?? Drugs? Mental breakdown? The Other Woman? I'm lost ! ! !

 

My unprofessional opinion, (and nothing you didn't already know)....he's depressed. He's unhappy, and he's punishing YOU for it.

 

If it were me, I'd go to the very bare bones of contact. No contact is too difficult to maintain with children. I'd allow him phone calls with them, and I'd allow him to see them at MY own home....but not his.

 

He's not even got enough on the ball to pay for the children's support. He's not mentally sound enough to take your kids anywhere if he REALLY thinks money grows on trees.

 

Basically, I'd tell him to "p*ss off" at this point.

 

I'd discuss 'business only' with him, and then just briefly, without any emotion or discussion of the relationship. If he brings up the marriage.....well, maybe you'll be willing to talk about it AFTER he grows up and starts acting like somebody. (And after he proves to you that he's done so.)

 

If he doesn't wake up and smell the coffee after that.....he never will.

 

At some point....all that's left is Plan B. Plan B is all about Debi....and devil take the hindmost.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

he's depressed. He's unhappy, and he's punishing YOU for it.

 

I know this is off topic, but wow. That really speaks to me. My husband claims he's been depressed. And his recent behaviour totally makes sense in my case. Noone recognizes him anymore, and the way that he's been treating me, it's total punishment. The night he left, he left me with a good speech about how I'm an evil person and that this is the universe's way of balancing out things. It could have literally killed somebody.

 

Thanks!

[debilou]

I love you LJ! ! !

 

You have been the only person who seemed to continue to support "the marriage".

 

I think you see what I'm on the verge of seeing. IC is really helping me get there.

 

Get ready for this update. . .

 

Today when I came home there was a book on the counter. It's by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" ! ! !

 

I called him to ask if he left it and ofcourse he did. I asked him if he got the one to learn how to care for the wife and ofcourse he didn't. Is this a slap in the face? Is he being sarcastic? Who knows? Who cares? I'm beginning to believe he's out of touch with reality.

 

Counseling went well as usual. Baby steps for me to get away from such a dysfunctional relationship. Time will tell.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

 

Originally posted by debilou

Today when I came home there was a book on the counter. It's by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" ! ! !

 

I called him to ask if he left it and ofcourse he did. I asked him if he got the one to learn how to care for the wife and ofcourse he didn't. Is this a slap in the face? Is he being sarcastic? Who knows? Who cares? I'm beginning to believe he's out of touch with reality.

 

Dr. Laura, huh? I can't think of ANY red-blooded, American woman.....(who's working a job, raising kids, washing laundry, cooking meals, scrubbing toilets, etc. etc. etc)......who wouldn't like to just "bitch-slap" her!

 

That said....(and I hope Dr. Laura doesn't read here )....I wouldn't take it as criticism unless I knew for a fact that he had NOT read it himself. It's possible that he's asking to have his EN's met, but he's painted himself into a corner and won't talk about them specifically.....assuming he's actually read the book himself.

 

I've got to be honest, I haven't read it. My sister received a copy from her husband at Christmas a year or two ago. (Can you imagine? It's a wonder she didn't suffocate him with his own pillow. ) Anyway, I've known her husband for over 25 years....and he's not a bad guy. But I had to wonder at the time, if he was trying to find a way to ask her for help. He'd been having some problems.

 

It's possible that in light of the emotional problems your husband is having....maybe he's asking for help or understanding.

 

Anyway, I think that if I were in your position...I'd mail him a 'Thank-you' card for the book, promising to read it as soon as time permitted, very polite.....then I'd change the door locks on the house!

 

And I would read that book too, even if I had to use an 'air-sick bag' for a book-mark. If he's read it himself, it'll give you some insight into his head.

 

Changing the door-locks will reinforce the idea that he's losing ground with you. If he asks about it, very innocently tell him you lost some of your keys and didn't feel safe without new locks. If he asks for a copy, tell him "I can't imagine why you'd need one since you don't live here anymore". But don't argue with him if he presses you....tell him you'll get around to making him a copy when time permits. Afterall, you ARE working two jobs now, and solely supporting your family.

 

What is your new counselor's take on all this,btw?

[Ladyjane14]

Geez....I had forgotten this.... Are you still relying on him to get the kids to school in the mornings? If so, that puts a definate crimp in the idea of limiting his access to your life and your home.

 

We'll have to put our thinking caps back on. It's not good that he has free run of the place. It makes Plan B too difficult to manage.

 

Is there anyone else who could help you with the kids? How are you going to manage the summer break?

[debilou]

I only tell you guys half of the real life drama that goes on in my silly world!

 

The Nextel hadn't been paid because he WAS the main bread winner in our family. The counselor urged me to give him the bills for many reasons. Pissed my H off that I did that. Anyway, he left me a lengthy letter the next day telling me that he wouldn't be getting the kids up when his phone was disconnected. The phone being cut off would be no reason to stop being responsible for HIS kids but that's how mentally twisted he is.

 

He stopped getting the kids up about a week or so ago. My parents are doing it, again. They'll be moving in about 2 weeks. The kids will be out of school by then. I'm planning to go to nights (5pm till 10pm). I've already talked to the boys about it. My 15 year old will be raising my 10 year old. We'll be ok.

 

But the real drama happened last Thursday night. When I got up to go to work on Friday at 3 am. I noticed a note written on the dry erase board. The note was the usual accusation of me "cheating" with a former boss. The back door was unlocked and my RX that was in my purse was missing. All the work of Mr. Wonderful.

 

I had been advised by every form of law enforcement that I can change the locks but as long as we're married he has legal access to THIS home.

 

I didn't notice that my notebook was missing until this week. The notebook contains all sorts of things, like daily duties, receipts, my journaling. So yesterday I went to our old home where he lives and broke in. The master lock had been changed. I figure if he has legal rights to my home then it goes for me in his. Yes, my notebook was there, a picture of him and his girlfriend, and some other obvious evidence of cheating.

 

It was probably the push I needed to get me to file. Time will tell.

 

The counselor is wonderful. I've got to get my boys some breakfast so I'll write more later on the strategies the counselor is helping me with.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

He stopped getting the kids up about a week or so ago. My parents are doing it, again. They'll be moving in about 2 weeks. The kids will be out of school by then. I'm planning to go to nights (5pm till 10pm). I've already talked to the boys about it. My 15 year old will be raising my 10 year old. We'll be ok.

 

I just find it sooooo ridiulously selfish on his part to just walk away and do NOTHING for his children. It's unconscionable. Whatever he feels like his problems are within the marital relationship....how does he excuse his behavior when it comes to abandoning his children.?

 

I had been advised by every form of law enforcement that I can change the locks but as long as we're married he has legal access to THIS home.

 

I would indeed change them then. He'd be forced to break in, unless you allowed him entrance. Then....I'd probably call the cops.

 

Most states have provisions for when a partner vacates the marital home, and then comes back to stir up trouble. If your husband's mail goes to another address.....then your house is not his residence.

 

Be sure you talk it over with your attorney.

 

So yesterday I went to our old home where he lives and broke in. The master lock had been changed.

 

He obviously hasn't been doing the soul-searching that you've been doing, in regards to "locking" his spouse out of his life.

 

It would have been TOO FUNNY if you'd have left a copy of My Give-a-Damn's Busted by Jo Dee Messina on his counter. You know, in response to the book he'd left on yours. (OMG.....don't listen to THAT advice!!! It's totally facetious. )

 

Really though, that ought to be your THEME SONG right about now, as you gather strength to move on with your life.

 

I do think that you ought to move into Plan B at this time. There is absolutely NO progress being made in reconciliation.

 

It's true that the book he left for you could be a plea for understanding, albeit a somewhat stupid one. It's equally true that it could be yet another pot-shot at you. The fact that he won't open his mouth to clarify the matter is the one that you are stuck dealing with.

 

If you decide to go to Plan B, don't fail to write the Plan B letter. It's important..... it's the road-map home. You can PM it to me if you like before you send it to him. I'm not as well-versed as others , but I'll be happy to take a look at it for you.

 

Talk it over with your counselor if you do it. You'll need his support.

[debilou]

I filed for a divorce on Monday.

 

He is full of lies, all of which I tend to want to believe. He still blames me for everything.

 

I go to counseling today. I'm so sad and depressed. I don't know where things went wrong. I know that with every sad ending there can be a happy new beginning. I guess I'm just mourning the death of a long dysfunctional relationship.

 

I have so many questions. My STBXH changes his answers depending on his mood. I can only depend on my truth about life. I will continue to be a great mother. I love my children. I feel sorry for them. I hope their dad can step up and be a good father.

 

Right now he's saying "you've turned my kids against me". At what point will he take responsibility? ? ?

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry Debi. I know that divorce is not the resolution that you were hoping for.

 

He seemed rather determined to push you in that direction all along. He withdrew financial support, and withdrew emotional support, not only from you, but even worse....from the children. He has deliberately refused to engage in any sincere efforts to save the marriage, but rather....has sat back and played the hapless victim. He has given what should have been yours, in terms of communication (at the minimum), to another woman.

 

These behaviors are UNACCEPTABLE in the marital relationship. Fidelity and fiscal responsibility are NOT too much to ask. They are in fact, the bare bones of our emotional needs. In his refusal to provide the basics in the relationship, he, himself, has condemned it.

 

This is NOT your fault. Like everyone else, whose relationship has soured over time, you bear responsibility in whatever led up to the crisis. I know in my personal situation, I had to take a good hard look at what I had brought to the table in terms of neglecting my spouse. My husband had to deal with the problems he had wrought.

 

But I was NEVER asked to resolve the situation ALONE.....to take complete responsibility for EVERYTHING, and then find some herculean means of repairing it. It can't be done.

 

So, if you're experiencing ANY guilt in regards to your decision to file....please spare yourself. He backed you into a corner here.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

Right now he's saying "you've turned my kids against me". At what point will he take responsibility? ? ?

 

I doubt he'll EVER take responsibility for his relationship with his kids.

 

When he withdrew emotional and financial support from you....he withdrew it from them as well. But he'd have to admit he was a 'bad' father if he owned it, so he probably won't.

 

Kids are smart though. They know the difference between what they had last year, and what they have this year. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, or have anybody poisoning your mind to see the FACTS.

 

Even a child recognizes the scent of BULLSH*T when they smell it.

[debilou]

I never knew this could be so difficult. It's easier when I'm so angry I want to kill him.

 

Did you guys ever see the movie "What about Bob"? ? ? That's what I feel like. When I'm with the counselor I feel strong and trust myself. When I'm away I WANT to go back to this man that treats me so poorly. I understand that's what co dependency is. I know I'm growing. I know I'm sad 50% of the time.

 

I have a great counselor. I have great friends. It's hard to mourn the death of a 23 year relationship. If he would just tell me it's over, I don't love you, or whatever it takes to commit to NOT every wanting a relationship with me again I would be more content with the divorce.

 

The counselor says my STBXH enjoys the mind game of it all. Isn't that sad.

 

I sometimes feel like it's all been a lie.

 

I know I will date again. I'm not full of myself but I know I'm attractive and have an outgoing personality. Letting go of my Husband hurts so much. Did anyone else feel this sick? ? ?

 

I started reading the book "Love must be Tough". I should have started reading it a lot sooner. But really I doubt that would have made a difference.

 

My STBXH has real issues. He is going to IC with the great counselor. I guess that what keeps me hanging on to hope. He seems to be trying. He has a long way to go.

 

Time tells all tales. Time heals all wounds.

 

Life goes on. I read in a book that mental illness is a substitute for feeling pain. Or something along those lines. I guess I'm NOT mentally ill because I feel pain!

 

Thanks, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

The counselor says my STBXH enjoys the mind game of it all. Isn't that sad.

 

Yeah, that is sad.

 

You "feed the beast" when you play along though.

 

Your boundaries need to be crystal clear.

[Devildog]

You know I'm feeling for you debilou. But as I am finding out myself right now, that "go away, I don't love you anymore" isn't the end of it. They keep flip-flopping back and forth because they are confused. And it is gonna keep you on the roller coaster. And as soon as you look like you are finding happiness, and heaven forbid, start seriouslly dating, they will do a 180 that will give you whiplash.

 

The counselling will only be effective for him if he really wants to go and if he really opens up and is honest. Otherwise all he is doing is wasting everyone's time.

 

Letting go of my Husband hurts so much. Did anyone else feel this sick? ? ?

 

Yeah, I felt that way alot of times. Missed days at work at times it was so upsetting.

 

But time is the only thing that can help. And as soon as I find the remote control, I will let you use the fast forward button to get past this painful part of your life.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by debilou

When I'm with the counselor I feel strong and trust myself. When I'm away I WANT to go back to this man that treats me so poorly.

 

Heh, that pretty much sums me up. I think it's the illusion of what you want him to be instead of what he truely is. I kept needing a wake up call, and the therapist helped me a lot. Many times I wanted to go into her office and ask her how do i fix my marriage, and everytime I'd forget to ask her, and I'd come out of her office knowing he's not the right man for me. Therapists are like magicians. I have no clue how they do it.

 

The counselor says my STBXH enjoys the mind game of it all. Isn't that sad.

 

It's a power thing. You put so much trust and faith into one person, and they let you dangle there. They wont commit to anything because they want to stay in control.

 

I know I will date again. I'm not full of myself but I know I'm attractive and have an outgoing personality. Letting go of my Husband hurts so much. Did anyone else feel this sick? ? ?

 

Yep.

 

 

And as soon as I find the remote control, I will let you use the fast forward button to get past this painful part of your life.

 

Can I have it after?

[debilou]

Thanks guys. It does help to know you're not the only person to ever feel sooooo sad.

 

I'm planning to go out Saturday night with friends. Not a date per say, but another single guy will be along. Going out as a group. We have mutual friends.

 

I'm doing it to make a statement to myself and my STBXH. I'm not planning to tell him but I'm sure it will get back to him through the kids. I won't be picked up at my house like a normal date, my kids won't meet him but I plan to tell them about the get together.

 

DD, that's the biggest thing I'm afraid will happen. The minute he thinks I'm out of the palm of his hand he'll do the 180.

 

I have to be strong and see life as it really is. I have to let go of a sick relationship.

 

Debilou

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by debilou

Thanks guys. It does help to know you're not the only person to ever feel sooooo sad.

 

It really sucks that people have to experience this type of pain/sadness.

 

I'm planning to go out Saturday night with friends. Not a date per say, but another single guy will be along. Going out as a group. We have mutual friends. I'm doing it to make a statement to myself and my STBXH.

 

Remember to just smile! It'll make a big statement to yourself that you can be a happy single person. The more you smile, the more smiles come back to you. It's helped me get through the really emotional days because I remember what I was feeling the day before when I was happy.

 

 

I have to be strong and see life as it really is. I have to let go of a sick relationship.

 

You are strong! You just have to realize that you've done everything humanly possible to fix this marriage. You're not the one who walked out. You're not the one who met someone else. These are desired traits for any future mates. If our stbxh don't appreciate them, many many other men will.

[debilou]

Just thought I'd give you guys an update. Not that I really feel that anything has changed. I'm clueless about the man I married.

 

I don't know when he's telling the truth. I don't know if he knows what the truth really is.

 

We are both in individual counseling. The counselor explained to me that when you've had such an unhealthy way of communicating for such a long time that it takes time to know the outcome. He encouraged me to continue with the divorce. He said sometimes people get all the way to the end of divorce and then stop it, sometimes people divorce only to remarry.

 

I guess I can live with that. It's hard to know what to do. I'm trying to become a whole person. I hope my stbxh is too.

 

My parents will be moving by the end of the month. Hopefully that will be a relief for the stbxh. I think I'll be relieved also. I hate it that things have happened the way they have but it's out of my hands.

 

My stbxh is starting his own business . I know this will be a good thing for his self esteem. Regardless of our future relationship it will be good for our boys to have a happy well rounded father.

 

Ok, here's the kicker. Even though I will make my own choices I was wondering what you guys think. Should I NOT be having marital relations with the stbxh? ? ? I haven't asked the counselor that one yet. It's difficult to stop that part of our relationship. . . . . . . . . I never knew it was such a natural human need.

 

Thanks Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Debilou....please tell me you're NOT allowing him bootie calls! And if you are, I hope you're literally kicking him out of the bed when YOU are finished.

 

It's not "marital relations" when the guy can't be bothered to be a real husband to you. He doesn't live with you. He doesn't support you emotionally or financially. Hell, if you had a grown daughter and her husband was treating her like this....what would YOU say?

[debilou]

LJ,

 

You can't call it a bootie call if I'm initiating it can you? ? ? Correct me if I'm wrong. He's not initiating anything.

 

Gee, I feel like I've just been chastised by my mom.

 

It's VERY hard for me to let go of a 23 year relationship. Obviously. I'll run this by the counselor and see what his opinion is.

 

Thanks for your prompt response, I'm feeling very cared about.

 

Debilou