His family is driving me nuts

[Schmegh]

I have recently become engaged to my boyfriend. Both of our families were extremely happy and excited. Recently we went to his grandparents house for dinner. We were only supposed to be dropping some stuff off and saying hello, but his grandma asked if we'd stay for dinner. We had a lot of errands to run, so we went to do them before dinner. My finaces family is extremely disfunctional. His 12 year old bother has no control over his anger. He screams at his mother and the rest of us when he doesn't get his way. His Grandmother also spends most of the time screaming at her husband. Simple things like his brother not being able to rent another video game until he practices his trombone end up being screaming fights. He'll yell and scream at us, if that doesn't work than he'll turn up his music so loud you can't hear anything in the house. His mother basically has to turn off the power in order to punish him.

 

On a regular basis while I'm there for a 3-4 hour period of time I have to hear this family fight constantly. His grandmother is constantly telling her husband that he's lazy and stupid. While I realize that not all families are the same, and perhaps I was extremely lucky not to grow up in that house hold, I don't feel that I should be forced to sit there through that. I quietly told my fiance that I wanted to leave right after dinner. I remained friendly and tried to carry on a conversation with the family.

 

This morning his mother calls and informs him that his grandmother, who up to this point has always liked me, is freaking out because she insists that I'm bossing my fiance around. My feelings are extremely hurt by this. My fiance apologized that his family is so disfunctional, but I really feel that it goes beyond that.

 

How am I supposed to have a wedding with both of our families when I'm embarassed to even introduce them to my family. I don't feel that his brother can behave himself and maintain long enough to be in the wedding ceremony. I'm a psychology major and honstly think that the child needs serious help.

 

What should I do? Should I bite my tounge and just pretend that his grandmother never said that about me? Or should I tell her that it is uncomfortable for me to be there. I feel silly asking this on a msg board...but I'm really lost.

 

Thanks for your time.

[Rachel]

You are a tough position to be in. It will need maturity and a lot of "oil" factor so this stuff can just "roll" right off of you!

 

Well, first things first. Sounds like your fiance' is understanding about your feelings. So that's one GREAT thing.

 

Number two, dont' stoop to the level of the grandmother. She's a crazy old lady. Remarks like that can be hurtful, but I would just treat it as a remark that needs to be ignored. It will probably not be the last one that needs to be ignored either.

 

As far as your future, I would live within at least a solid 30 minute drive. That way, you won't be there all the time, and they won't just "drop" by.

 

Remember, all you have to do is be polite. As miss Manners would probably say, you dont' have to be nice, just polite.

 

As far as the 12 year old pain in the butt, you will probably have many many years of him to deal with. Just pray. and Ignore him.

 

It sounds that over all you are handling the situation very very well. You sound mature and responsible.

 

The one thing I would stay away from is involving yourself with the younger brother and trying to help him. He is NOT your responsibility and you will open a can or worms.

 

Right now you are only the "Fiance", but soon you will be a wife and you need to stick with your standards for your family. You dont' need to put up with this bull888t.

[strawberry]

I have recently become engaged to my boyfriend. Both of our families were extremely happy and excited. Recently we went to his grandparents house for dinner. We were only supposed to be dropping some stuff off and saying hello, but his grandma asked if we'd stay for dinner. We had a lot of errands to run, so we went to do them before dinner. My finaces family is extremely disfunctional. His 12 year old bother has no control over his anger. He screams at his mother and the rest of us when he doesn't get his way. His Grandmother also spends most of the time screaming at her husband. Simple things like his brother not being able to rent another video game until he practices his trombone end up being screaming fights. He'll yell and scream at us, if that doesn't work than he'll turn up his music so loud you can't hear anything in the house. His mother basically has to turn off the power in order to punish him.

 

On a regular basis while I'm there for a 3-4 hour period of time I have to hear this family fight constantly. His grandmother is constantly telling her husband that he's lazy and stupid. While I realize that not all families are the same, and perhaps I was extremely lucky not to grow up in that house hold, I don't feel that I should be forced to sit there through that. I quietly told my fiance that I wanted to leave right after dinner. I remained friendly and tried to carry on a conversation with the family. This morning his mother calls and informs him that his grandmother, who up to this point has always liked me, is freaking out because she insists that I'm bossing my fiance around. My feelings are extremely hurt by this. My fiance apologized that his family is so disfunctional, but I really feel that it goes beyond that. How am I supposed to have a wedding with both of our families when I'm embarassed to even introduce them to my family. I don't feel that his brother can behave himself and maintain long enough to be in the wedding ceremony. I'm a psychology major and honstly think that the child needs serious help. What should I do? Should I bite my tounge and just pretend that his grandmother never said that about me? Or should I tell her that it is uncomfortable for me to be there. I feel silly asking this on a msg board...but I'm really lost.

 

Thanks for your time.

[Laurynn]

One thing that jumped out at me........where did his grandma get the idea that you were bossing him around? Did your fiance happen to tell her (or someone else in the family) that you two left shortly after dinner because YOU had asked to? This is something to watch for. Nothing worse than a boyfriend/fiance/husband who tells things to his family (regardless of whether they are true) that will only make their partner look bad to the family. If your fiance DID tell your grandma/family, that you 2 left because you wanted to, he shouldn't have. He obviously sees how wacked out his family is......it would have been better to simply say that you both left because you had many things to do, etc.

 

How does your fiance treat you? Has any of this dysfunction rubbed off on him? (I can't imagine how it couldn't). How does he handle stress? difficulties? communication with you? day to day life?

 

If you two get married, I'd seriously consider eloping....going off somewhere to get married, then having a small "immediate family" reception upon return....cuz you sure don't want to have your wedding day ruined by these misfits, and it seems pretty likely something will happen.

 

Wonder if the 12 yr old has Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity disorder?? Though like someone else said, HE is not your problem to deal with. Don't even try to get involved.....as it will most likely backfire in your face.

 

What does your fiance say about all this? I'm sure he's pretty embarassed.

 

Laurynn

[strawberry]

Maybe you should kindly ask his brother not to be in the ceremony.

 

Its your day and you shouldnt let some little brat ruin it!

 

Ask your fiance to sit his family down and ask them to agree to get along for the sake of the two of you, on YOUR DAY. Try to emphasize to them that this is, in fact, your wedding day and not theirs.

 

Is the grandmother and the brother the only ones who, your afraid, will cause problems?

 

If the grandmother is any kind of sane woman she will understand, and quite possibly behave her self. Old people are miserable though.

 

If they agree to act civilized during your wedding, you'll just have to put up with them for one day.

 

I dont really know what else to tell you, but good luck!

[MegaB]

I am actually more concerned about your b/f who grew up in that family.

 

So he is the ONLY one normal there? Hmmmm.....

[Rogue]

The situation is simple if you want to avoid a messy, embrassing ceremony. Plan a trip with your fiance, somewhere romantic and get married there. When you get back, tell everyone about it and say that the trip :

 

"-just blew us away.We got swept up in the excitement, and decided to do the wedding right there. It was a spur of the moment thing, really guys. We just couldn't wait any more."

 

By excluding both families you can save yourselves some explaining to do(and some hefty wedding bills). Simply eloping, may hurt the feelings of some of them in thinking that you don't want them at your wedding.Plus, there's and added risk of your plans being leaked out by a mouthy confidant. And whoever didn't get invited to the trip will be insulted....just as if you didn't invite them to a wedding ceremony.

 

A "spur of the moment" ,however, seems more innocent, since it seems lacks any forethought. To make it seem more convincing, you could go through the motions of setting up a wedding a few months a way, even go as far to put a deposit on a dress or whatever. You can explain the trip as a "scouting report" on possible honeymoon sights.It could work.

[Schmegh]

Thanks for everyones advice and support. I really want to try to have my wedding as I planned. I love my family and can't imagine getting married without them there. I have asked my fiance to sit down with his family and tell them that if they plan on having any arguments at the wedding they might as well not come. I've also requested that his little brother not be in the ceremony. He's been extremely supportive. I'm amazed he turned out so normal coming from that family.

 

Aparently the issue is while his brother was throwing a fit there that night, I told him and his brother I was going to go outside until it was over. My fiance said he was going to join me if his brother didn't stop throwing the fit. His brother kept yelling and crying and stomped out of the room. His brother then told his grandmother that I had said I was going to leave and my fiance was going to go with me. This came off as me being controling.

 

I've told my fiance that I am not going over there for awhile and that I feel it is unfair to me to have to be there while they're fighting.

 

I hope that by just letting him deal with his family, things will blow over. I felt that what she said was very hurtful, however I'm assuming most inlaws don't always get along with the spouses of thier children.

 

Thanks again everyone.

I have recently become engaged to my boyfriend. Both of our families were extremely happy and excited. Recently we went to his grandparents house for dinner. We were only supposed to be dropping some stuff off and saying hello, but his grandma asked if we'd stay for dinner. We had a lot of errands to run, so we went to do them before dinner. My finaces family is extremely disfunctional. His 12 year old bother has no control over his anger. He screams at his mother and the rest of us when he doesn't get his way. His Grandmother also spends most of the time screaming at her husband. Simple things like his brother not being able to rent another video game until he practices his trombone end up being screaming fights. He'll yell and scream at us, if that doesn't work than he'll turn up his music so loud you can't hear anything in the house. His mother basically has to turn off the power in order to punish him.

 

On a regular basis while I'm there for a 3-4 hour period of time I have to hear this family fight constantly. His grandmother is constantly telling her husband that he's lazy and stupid. While I realize that not all families are the same, and perhaps I was extremely lucky not to grow up in that house hold, I don't feel that I should be forced to sit there through that. I quietly told my fiance that I wanted to leave right after dinner. I remained friendly and tried to carry on a conversation with the family. This morning his mother calls and informs him that his grandmother, who up to this point has always liked me, is freaking out because she insists that I'm bossing my fiance around. My feelings are extremely hurt by this. My fiance apologized that his family is so disfunctional, but I really feel that it goes beyond that. How am I supposed to have a wedding with both of our families when I'm embarassed to even introduce them to my family. I don't feel that his brother can behave himself and maintain long enough to be in the wedding ceremony. I'm a psychology major and honstly think that the child needs serious help. What should I do? Should I bite my tounge and just pretend that his grandmother never said that about me? Or should I tell her that it is uncomfortable for me to be there. I feel silly asking this on a msg board...but I'm really lost.

 

Thanks for your time.