Is this unhealthy? Your honest thoughts

[JHparkes]

I have never had a strong father figure in my life and I have always craved one. My Dad left my mum for someone else and didn't have much time for me and my siblings when we were growing up. He never saw us regularly as his wife was jealous. I have had a lot of boyfriend's who have treated me like rubbish and/or weren't a right match for me.

For the first time in my life I feel madly in love. My boyfriend is ten years older than me. And looks after me very well. I feel so safe emotionally with him in a way that i've never felt with anyone before and he makes me feel looked after in many ways. This is something I have always craved in a man. We have been together for 18 months and living together for nearly a year. He has said he has never felt this way either. But is this unhealthy to feel this way about someone? I mean I'm not saying I look at him literally as though he is my father (eeeew that's gross) but I am very attracted to him but he also has that fatherly quality. I'm not describing it very well I guess, but can anyone relate?

[Eivuwan]

The only issue is when you can't see him for who he really is because you're blinded by your needs. If that's not a problem, then sure, enjoy a happy relationship.

[beautyofspeed]

I can relate in a way. I had a dysfunctional childhood with emotionally unavailable parents and many issues because of it.

 

I got into a serious long-term relationship with that element when I was 17 (he 19 though) that led to marriage and a child, and it was not healthy, it was codependent, though I started working through my issues in it and healing with the help of spiritual/self help books and a great therapist. There is a book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that I've been told is good.

 

It's good that you loved yourself enough to not stay with the guys who didn't treat you well or weren't very compatible, and great that you found someone nice that you are attracted to. It could be a way of healing so you could look at that as healthy in some ways but maybe unhealthy in others. Sometimes it's hard to see reality, people and situations clearly when you're in the mess of your subconscious issues. Listen to your heart (soul if you will) and feel what is right for you, what feels healthy to you, while considering/being mindful of how it would affect him.

 

It may be good for you to try to work on healing the "core wounds" that you have, focusing on loving yourself and not necessarily needing a relationship to be happy or fulfilled. It can be painful but worth it. It can be good to be alone while you heal or develop your sense of self and identity, etc. Therapy can help if it's good and gets at and helps resolve the core issues, or good "self-help" books. There are also good internet resources like www.sfhelp.org, www.goodtherapy.org, and www.helpguide.org, etc. You can try finding other things by searching for keywords.

 

I don't know your age, but it also sounds like it could be unhealthy in the aspect of hindering your development or independence if you are too reliant upon him emotionally and/or financially. It would be ideal for you two to be more equal and each have solid senses of self. Him being 10 years older could also be an issue if you are younger and your maturity levels are different, but when older it doesn't matter as much.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited December 3, 2013 by beautyofspeed

[Solcita2]

I don't think there's something wrong in it...

 

In some aspects I look up to my F... and in some others he looks up to me... We terribly admire each other... and we can also see ourselves as future parents, (even when we haven0t decided if we want kids), because we can see each other as nurturous SP?

 

And trust me, I don't see him as my father AT ALL, I come from a very traditional family... so no no no no

[Grumpybutfun]

JHparkes:

What exactly makes you feel this relationship isn't healthy? Are you equal partners? Does he make you feel like a child? Do you value security with him to the detriment of having a healthy sex life?

 

Having someone who is generous and giving is not a sign of father figuring him as long as you reciprocate the giving in your relationship.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Going4it]

It is not uncommon for women who had absentee fathers to look for a "father figure" in their boyfriends or husbands. It is only unhealthy if you become too dependent on him. There is nothing wrong with having someone who makes you feel safe and secure and taken care of as long as you are giving back too. Just don't make your partner the cure all for all your emotional issues.

[ChooseTruth]

I think the danger is if you have put him on an unrealistic pedestal that he will eventually fall off of. What are his flaws? Are you ok with those flaws? Are there flaws that you haven't acknowledged but will eventually get under your skin with time? Love that blinds you to who someone really is can be dangerous imho. But it's good that you love him. Love is a verb!

[cozycottagelg]

I don't think it's unhealthy to enjoy the feeling of being taken care of.

[Elliotte]

I think there's a lot of crossover in ideal parents and ideal partners. You want the person to be kind, caring, supportive, etc. Nothing you've said sounds like you're in a bad relationship, it'd be unhealthy if you stuck with the men who didn't treat you right, because they were like your dad. Whereas you chose a man who is a bit like the dad you wish you had, the much healthier option.

 

I would definitely talk with a therapist about your father and growing up, just to work out any personal issues you might have concerning that, your FOO issues will affect your current relationship negatively in ways you may not realize until you have worked on those issues from your past. That's what I've done and continue to do sometimes when I notice I'm feeling overwhelmed or emotional about something in my marriage, it can often be traced back to conflicts from my past. It's very nice examining your childhood and seeing how it reflects in you now.