How to forgive, forget and accept someone has changed

[Babolat]

This.

 

I've read numerous threads, OP has A LOT of double standards. That needs to be rectified first before getting into ANY relationship, especially with a woman who only adds fuel to the fire. Drama-lama.

What double standards are you referring to here?

[Babolat]

It seems to me that it's mostly a strong sexual attraction that's keeping things going for you two. When you're not having sex with her, you feel anxious, worried, bad, not interested. But after you get naked, as soon as you have a minute to yourself, you go into analytical mode, trying to rationalize the union and make it work.

 

I really think it would help you get clear about things to stop having sex with her. But given your temperament and history, I don't see you having the restraint to do that. Unfortunately, I think you're going to quickly get back to similar dynamics as you had before, because you're so high on the sexual connection that you're not as discerning as you would be if you kept things platonic for a while.

 

Basically, you're diving back in, when a more careful, measured approach would probably be more successful in the long run.

This is a good observation. Interestingly enough, the sexual attraction is not as strong as it was months ago.My best guess is finally having sex with another woman is the #1 reason. I also agree with your go analytical comment, once we're not together.I can say that things are different now than they were even 4 months ago, I feel much stronger, much wiser, and in a healthier more stable place. I don't know what's going to happen. I am going slow. I have not committed to her nor have I told her I'm ready to start dating her.

[Divasu]

What double standards are you referring to here?

 

Holding her having sex against her when you're broken up, when you did the exact same thing.

 

Maybe, just maybe, given all the ways she's disappointed you, you've retained a lot of resentment towards her and you justify your actions but hers, are judged (okay, enough arm chair psychology).

 

In any event, I think each of us have some varying degree of double standards, I just don't believe they are useful within a relationship. If you want a fair shot in this (or any relationship for that matter), you're going to have to leave them at the door.

 

Separate point - Her drinking heavily, marijuana usage plus a major narcotic (cocaine). That's out of control and I hope for her sake and her child's, she's completely moved past it.

 

My mother was addicted to benzos and pain killers for years -- rehab and continued outpatient therapy and she's been clean and much healthier overall for two years now. So, anything's possible. But, low probability of someone spiraling out of control and getting a hold of the wheel on their own. If you plan on remaining in her life, I would keep a watchful eye on that first and foremost.

[Leigh 87]

It depends. Did you fall head over heels for her more so than you did others?

 

By your age, no offence as you are by NO means old:lmao:, you know what head over heels in love feels like, versus meeting a hot girl you are just meh about, despite her being an amazing woman.

 

Based on how happy this woman had the potential to make you, albeit not on a daily basis due to her issues; did she have the ability to make you just smile a real smile, more so than the "other" women in your life?

 

 

..Just saying, even at my young age, I am with a guy who I was absolutely smitten with from day one and before we met even; yet, before I met him, I thought I would not meet a guy I was as nuts about towards as I was for my EX.....

 

Then I found someone that hit me even harder....

 

Do you think you will feel as passionate about another?

 

I would rather take risks and feel a burning passion with someone who could work for a time, than do get with safer women you are not as nuts about.

[Babolat]

Holding her having sex against her when you're broken up, when you did the exact same thing..

If you took the time to read my original post, and subsequent ones, before judging me, again, you would have read that I could care less if she had sex; it's going back to an ex, anex she said over and over to me she had no ties to, it was over, while we dated, having sex with HIM concerns me. It also bugged me that she was having sex with two men at the same time, me, and her ex.

 

And it's not judgement, it's a concern: is it over with them I asked her this weekend if there are any unresolved issues between them. She immediately said "we are not compatiable and I could never trust him, I don't love him, I love you and want to be with you". I think, and it's a best guess, she had thoughts of reconciliation with him once he broke up with his girlfriend and the two of them started talking about what happened in their relationship. And, maybe this is normal.

 

And yes, I am slowy moving passed it, on my own. And I agree I need to leave it at the door. I did need to talk to her about it, that was important to me. To better understand it, to make sure there was nothing still there with them.

 

And yes, of course I have resentment, I think that is normal, like "why now, what' happened to get you to this place now versus then?" She said she need to work thru everything on her own, "give me up" and make sure any changes she made, were for her. I asked her, did you do any of this for me. She quickly and firmly said "No, all of this was for me, and I took a chance you would not be there once I figured all of this out". She also reiterated she did not know what the outcome of her journey, work, would be. Which, is one of many reasons she said she had to do it alone, without me.

 

Regarding cocaine use, while we dated, she used it once in 12 months, and, said then, she wished she had not. 7+ years before we dated she said she used it a lot. I asked her, point blank, will you be using it again, she said no, and the thought of using it disgusts her.

 

I asked her about pot this weekend. She said, in her late teens and early 20's, she was a stoner (I already knew this). She then quit 100% for 13 years, started again in her early 30s, not a stoner though. She said while we were apart she tried it again for 4 days straight and it caused her a lot of anxiety, and, she has no desire to be a regular user. She said, she may take one hit, on occassion, because she does like the way it make her feel. I asked what "on occassion" meant, she said maybe once every few months. I told her, in a perfect world, my preference would be that she not smoke pot, but occassional use is something I am OK with. If my company did not do random drug testing, i would probably do it with her on occassion.

 

I asked her about family outings, (at the beach and at the mountains her family has homes there), where, when we dated, it was a binge drinking, get wasted party. July 4th 2 years ago was the first time I saw her drink really heaving. And, it was the first time I brought up how her drinking concerned me. I told her I would not be there with her if it was going to be the same, has she thought about that. She said yes. She said, especially for July 4th, which is a big family gathering, she will drink, but not to the point she has in the past. She will not get slurry, stumbling, blackout drunk, but she will get tipsy, one to two times a year. She said her drinking heaving days are behind her.

 

She said, and this stuck with me, I want to live to be in my 90s, I want to be healthy, I don't want a brain full of alcohol anymore, and I have no desire for this.

 

We shared 1/2 a bottle of wine one night last week. I noticed she stopped drinking before I did. I did not say anything. The next day, while having the above talk (we limit our talks to 1 hour now) I asked her, if she had the control to know when to stop drinking, as, in the past, I don't think she did. She agreed. She said, the night we were drinking wine, she felt it affecting her, and stopped. She said that is something she is doing now. Drinking slower, over a longer period of time, and stopping when she feels starts to feel impaired. She said "I noticed my reaction time was slower, so I stopped) That comment stuck with me.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

It depends. Did you fall head over heels for her more so than you did others?

 

By your age, no offence as you are by NO means old:lmao:, you know what head over heels in love feels like, versus meeting a hot girl you are just meh about, despite her being an amazing woman.

 

Based on how happy this woman had the potential to make you, albeit not on a daily basis due to her issues; did she have the ability to make you just smile a real smile, more so than the "other" women in your life?

 

 

..Just saying, even at my young age, I am with a guy who I was absolutely smitten with from day one and before we met even; yet, before I met him, I thought I would not meet a guy I was as nuts about towards as I was for my EX.....

 

Then I found someone that hit me even harder....

 

Do you think you will feel as passionate about another?

 

I would rather take risks and feel a burning passion with someone who could work for a time, than do get with safer women you are not as nuts about.

 

We met on Match.com. We messaged each other for 2 weeks, then met. Her messages were like no others. I loved her wit, her charm, her use of words, how she wrote, her intelligence, her humor, and her stories, especially the way she told them.

 

Our first date was at a restaurant, we talked, drank water for 2+ hours, then went to another bar, talked more, drank water. I liked her, a lot, but it was not "wow!". We had a 2nd date about a week later, and, when I first saw her, yes, there was a "wow!". Each date afterwards more wows. I fell in love with her slowly.

 

I mention the "drank water" as I later asked her why we did not drink wine. She was not working at the time and she said she could not afford to buy, and did not want to assume I would pay, so she drank water.

[Babolat]

Yes, this is tougher than it would be if you'd in fact just met.

 

Ironic you say this, as, this weekend she said she wished we would have met now, after her transitions, after what she went thru, after she got to where she is now.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm sorry, bro...

 

I woiuldnt bother...I dont think that this type of person will ever get to a point where she would make a decent mate. I just dont see it, call me cynical here...

 

I am never going to "fix" anyone ever again(except maybe my kid or my mother-God forbid)...Or be their emotional crutch..Not happening...Life is too short..Leave that for the therapists..

 

Id move on...But it sounds like you want to go down that road...I wish you well...

 

TFY

[Babolat]

I'm sorry, bro...

 

I woiuldnt bother...I dont think that this type of person will ever get to a point where she would make a decent mate. I just dont see it, call me cynical here...

 

I am never going to "fix" anyone ever again(except maybe my kid or my mother-God forbid)...Or be their emotional crutch..Not happening...Life is too short..Leave that for the therapists..

 

Id move on...But it sounds like you want to go down that road...I wish you well...

 

TFY

 

Thanks, I have no desire to fix her, be her emotional crutch, or be her therapist. I felt that when we dated, now I don't. I feel like I can walk away at any point this time; while, in the past I needed her for many reasons. This time, I don't.

 

And, sometimes I think "why am I bothering with this", considering it. There are sooo many amazing woman out there. When i think this, what I think about, is our history together, the good, the bond we have, her amazing qualities, the time we invested in us before. And, every woman I meet, just like me, will have issues (and did while I was dating recently). For example, one woman I went out with 3 times kept telling me she knew I was married. Turns out the last guy she dated was, well, married. Took her 8 months to figure it out. Another woman I went out with 3-4 times had trust issues with me because I have females friends, who I intorduced her to, so she could see the friendship. In one case she told me, after meeting one of my close female friends, "you just need to f%&ck her".

 

And there are a few more stories....my point is we all have issues. I have a lot of time invested with my ex, quality time getting to know her, learning about her, getting close to her. She has no jealously or insecurity issues. She sees the good, in all people, when sometimes, I don't, which I love about her.

 

The question with her, is have the big issues been resolved, or, at a minimum, are on their way to being resolved.

 

I have not decided what road to go down yet.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

In summary, what I am hearing, and have concluded, from the original post:

 

1) Understand there will be trust issues, has there been real change by them, for them, not for you

 

2) It will take time and consistancy to rebuild/gain trust

 

3) There will be triggers, reminders of the past (when "this" happens, "this" will follow) things that cause one to think "here we go again". Be able to work through those triggers if the change is still there.

 

4) Try to work on not judging (an issue for me gien our past) or trying to catch them in a white lie, a lie

 

5) Define boundaries

 

6) Talk regularly, get temperature checks. We have agreed if we go forward, we will talk once a week, for an hour, no longer, as a talk can go on and on and on sometimes with us. I have noticed she gets ansy after about an hour too.

 

7) Understand change is a process; expect some slips, know your boundary on a slip, a step backwards

 

8) Fresh start

 

9) Try not to have sex or be intimate too soone

 

 

Anything else?

 

For those that have been cheated on,or otherwise had trust broken in a relationship, how did you take your partner back? This is the closest thing I can compare this too. And the word trust is a strange one here, as, she never broke my trust when we dated, I am having trsut issues with has she really changed. All the words are there, spot on, no hesitation, a very clear and strong message from her. The actions thus far support the words.

[Ruby Slippers]

You are clearly diving right back in - which I get, as it's exactly what I did when my ex came back, too

 

You'll be fine. You'll know if things start feeling wrong.

[Babolat]

You are clearly diving right back in - which I get, as it's exactly what I did when my ex came back, too

 

You'll be fine. You'll know if things start feeling wrong.

 

Not head first though!

 

My toes are in the water, and, I do feel like I can walk away, immediately, if I feel things are not right. In the past, I was afraid to be alone and felt like I was letting something amazing go. I do not feel that anymore. I feel like I am in a much healthier place in MY life, to make a better decision this time.

[Babolat]

Quick update, really no changes. I have not seen her since Saturday. Lite texting this week. We have plans to go to a Christmas Party tonight.

 

I hung out with a female friend last night, one who in the past showed interested in me, she is "available" now as she broke up with her bf a few weeks ago, then contacted me, and, though tempted, I did not do anything with her other than talk. She's a cool check, hot, has a lot of man issues (floats from one to the other, afraid to be alone type).

 

I also cut off one girl I had had two dates with and was planning a 3rd, prior to the ex wanting to talk to me. She was cool about it, and said, if things don't work out contact her as her "heart leaped for me" when she met me. I thought that was sweet.

 

I want to give the ex gf my undivided attention while we are talking this out. Still not sure...

 

Some tell me don't cut other stuff off...I can't, it's just not me.

 

One of the challenges is "where do we start?". I am hearing a "fresh start", like a new relationship. And, how do you not fall into your same old habits? And, how do I trust that she has really changed? I have a lot of scars, triggers if you will, past events still fresh in my mind, though I do feel they are slowing going away. As an example, she texted me this morning to state "Guess who came into town last night?". My immediate thought we her male bf, and I had memories of his visits here while we dated. It was something else, of course, not him coming into town. My defenses were ready thought to say "Have a fun weekend with him. Don't contact me!" She told me during one of our recent talks, should he come to down now, she would either not spend time with him, or, make sure I was with her.

 

I plan to talk to her this weekend about the friendship first comments posted here, though we have already gone past that by being intimate....

Edited December 6, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

An update:

 

This woman has done some amazing work on herself, I see it, I feel it, all the right signs are there. She is also making compromises for us to work. Examples: I get ansy at her place, it's small, nothing to do tere for me accept sit and watch TV, lots of "noises" (TVs, pets running around) so she has been coming to my place all the time, and I know it's a challenge for her with her daughter, a small dog, packing up her bags, she lives 30 mins away, etc. She said it's just easier that way and she is OK with it.

 

Last night we talked about her spending the night with her male best friend, and with other friends, when they went out drinking, when we dated. She said she thought about that a lot when we were apart. To her, it was normal, friends go out, they drink, they crash at someones place, they get to spend more time talking and hanging out. She was never alone with him, and, her male best friend is someone she use to live with, and it's just normal for her. She never knew how much it bothered me until I told her. She said, thinking on it, she understands, and knowing how I feel, it's something she will never do again.

 

She has been giving me a lot of space, as she knows I need my alone time.

 

She needs affections, lots of kissing, hugs. She said she knows I am not that way, for now she is willing to compromise and is ok with it.

 

She accepts some of my issues: being judgemental, sometiems cold and snobby around her friends/family, and many of my ISTJ qualities.

 

She said she will still drink, but has no desire to drink to the level she was when we dated, she does not want that in her life.

 

I asked her about using doing coke again. She said never, she will never use it again, has no desire to.

 

The thing is, I am having a difficult time letting go of past memories, how I felt, the anxiety, the worry, almost trauma like. I want to. I think if I can let this go there is an amazing relationship there.

 

How do you let this go? She thinks I am just trying to find the negative, reasons to not be in a relationship, reason to push her away. I don't feel that. I just feel "the past" and it's difficult to forget it.

[FrankieFrank]

How do you let this go? She thinks I am just trying to find the negative, reasons to not be in a relationship, reason to push her away. I don't feel that. I just feel "the past" and it's difficult to forget it.

 

Sounds shady.

 

Maybe she's only said what she said earlier to appease you, yet she fundamentally might resent you for it?

 

Seems to me like you two are too different to make it work.

[Babolat]

Sounds shady.

 

Maybe she's only said what she said earlier to appease you, yet she fundamentally might resent you for it?

 

Seems to me like you two are too different to make it work.

 

No, she is very sincere, and very honest. She always has been. She even said last night "Do you have what you need to end this?" as I kept bringing up the past. She was fully prepared to walk away last night as we were talking. She said she felt like she was trying to convince me why we are good for each other, why we work, and even jokingly said "Do i need to get on my knees and beg?".

 

She kept saying "talking about the past (all her) is how we spent half our time at the end of our dating, is this how it will be now? If so, let me know now". She feels like I am focuing on her, her, her, everything that was wrong with her. She said she had issues with me too, but spent the past 8 months working thru those, and, sees all the good, and can accpet the issues (mostly my ISTJ personality type things).

 

She reminded me of all the work she has done and said she feels like I am just waiting for her to trip, mess up, so I can walk away. Even with this, she still wants to move forward with an us.

 

She said I am the man for her, she can take the good with bad, wants to.

 

She is an ENFJ type, not judgmental at all, which I always admired in her.

 

Yes, i am judging her. yes, i am not forgetting about the past.

 

How does someone who has been cheated on (that did not happen), or someone who lived with an alcoholic, who got help, is better, let go of the past? That, is how I feel. I see the changes in her, it's as if I have triggers, glasses on though, where I still see/feel the past though.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

I think it takes time to make peace with the past. You might always remember it, but I think you have to view it as part of your history with her. You can't simply press the reset button on a relationship even though that would be easy.

 

It's not good that she feels you are waiting for her to trip up. You may not even realize that you are doing or saying things that make her feel that way.

[Babolat]

It's not good that she feels you are waiting for her to trip up. You may not even realize that you are doing or saying things that make her feel that way.

 

Agreed, and, actually, I am not, she agreed I was not. She has not seen it she said She just tossed that out there as a reason why I may be feeling the way I am.

[Babolat]

This woman knows herself better than any woman I have ever met. For 8 months she told me, she may lose me, but, she had to be away from me to work on herself and figure things out. During that time she has grown, a lot. I'm amazed. And, it was not for me, it was for her, I see and believe that. And I know in her heart, and in her mind, she is a better person, healthier, and, in a better place to be in a relationship, with me.

 

During that time she also figured out where she could compromise on the things about me, that bothered her, and she has, and accepts me for them. I am simply blown away to hear this from any woman.

 

There is still something there, I feel it, heck, I almost said "I love you" 2-3 times over the past 4 weeks, but I did not.

[BC1980]

This all sounds promising. Just take it slowly, which it looks like you are. People do change, and I think it's just up to you to see if you want to let her prove it.

[Babolat]

This all sounds promising. Just take it slowly, which it looks like you are. People do change, and I think it's just up to you to see if you want to let her prove it.

 

I just asked her for time to think. She said that was fine, she understood.

 

We had plans for tonight, with her daughter. I told her with how I was feeling I did not think it was a good idea for me to go, especially with her daughter. I simply do not think me spending time with her daughter is the best decision, if I can't decide what I want to do.

 

She got upset, sarcastic, said she now has to rearrange all of her Christmas plans (we had not made any Christmas plans yet), "Merry Christmas", what was she suppose to tell her daughter, I was breaking plans during a relevant time of the year, how could I not expect her to be upset, said I was extreme and selfish for breaking our plans for tonight....

 

I understand, she had to work hard to get tickets to the event we were going to. It's a Christmas event and she is very big into Christmas, I dunno, I can't sit and pretnend everthing is OK nor do I think it's right to include her daughter when I am feeling this way. Yeah, I broke plans, not a nice thing to do, 4 hours before the event, but it felt like I should.

 

I guess I really am wondering if she has changed, if people can change. I am also very hurt with how she acted and behaved when we dated. She has apologized for all of it, though some of it, in her mind was normal behavior. When I bring it up, to talk about how I felt then (which was only 1 time, last night, since we have been seeing each other again), she reminds me I use to bring it up all the time and gets impatient. She won't let me talk as she said it's in the past and we have talked about it enough..it's all about me, how I felt, what i want to talk about. As an ISTJ type, yeah, sometimes I don't know when to let something go, and I can go on and on. I get that. I guess I am looking for some answer i will never hear or get.

 

It's been 4 great weeks, and when with me she has been amazing, no partying/drinking/wanting to stay out late. I have not asked what shes been doing when we are not togehter, probably because I don't want to know, which is not a good sign. It would kind of feel like snooping.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

Honestly, I would have gotten upset if you had cancelled only 4 hours before. I think she is valid with her feelings. However, I do think you have a valid point about not spending time with the daughter when you are not yet committed. These are the problems that arise with continued waffling. I think you should have decided well before hand not to include the daughter in anything until you were in a committed relationship.

 

I think you should give it about 2 more months (3 total) before you decide if you want to proceed with a committed relationship. That is enough time to be sure, and, if you aren't sure by that time, end it. Until then, don't involve the daughter in any plans.

[xUnknown]

I agree with BC1980. I too would have gotten upset, but I see your point about the daughter situation.

 

If what I've read is correct - and I've read your thread....you mention all the time that she's changed. You truly do believe she has, for herself, not for you. SO that clearly isn't the problem. The problem is the past. The problem is you can't get over it.

 

YOU need more time, to reflect, forgive -not necessarily forget - but accept it. When you do, you can't bring it up. All its going to do is show that you are still stuck in the past. This is ultimately going to ruin any possibility that you two have in the future for making it work.

 

My ex came back. As much as I want to give things another go, because of how genuine and how much I can see she has worked on herself in the past 3 months - I know we both aren't ready. She may think she is, but she still needs to work on herself. I, need to let go of the past. Forgive her and move forward. This living in the past - bringing it up all the time - is only going to lead to resentment on her end thus make things not work. Believe me, I don't want to have to tell my ex that we need more time apart, because we both want to be with each other - but its what we need.

 

In your sense, you need more time to mull things over, you need to forgive her...you're never going to do that if bring it up. You may not think you are bringing it up often, but it seems she does. Yes, it needs to be talked about, but do it once, lay your cards out on the table, accept it, and move on.

 

Time heals all wounds - what you need is more time to yourself to heal your wound. If she loves, cares, and wants to be with you - she'll understand. Just as me and my scenario - I'm going to think on things and talk to her sometime in January and tell her that I need more time. If she wants to be with me and sees me as the "one she can see herself with for the rest of her life", then this is what I need....for me. Just as you need this, for you - in order to move on from the past relationship.

Edited December 20, 2013 by xUnknown

[Babolat]

Both of you are spot on. We did not see each other Saturday. She texted me Sunday morning to ask if she could come over. She did, and we talked. We ended up cooking dinner together, watched a movie, she spent the night, and it was nice.

 

And yes, I was wrong for cancelling on short notice; I realize that now. She talked about that, I did too.

 

I talked to her about her daughter. She says her daughter is more mature now than a year ago, and, she has talked to her daughter about us, that we are talking, not fully committed yet, see where things go. She is very comfortablke with that and the talks she has had with her daughter about us. Her and her daughter have a pretty special relationship, there are like best friends, and, she talks to her daughter often.

 

She is tired of me bringing up the past, my feelings, my concerns, etc. It's how we spent the last few months together when we did dated. And, though it's only been one time this go around, it was a trigger for her from the past and it brought back past emories of all of our talks about "how I feel".

 

She talked a lot about being more comitted now, she was not then, knows that, and says things will be, and have beem different since we have been spending time together. For example, she spent the night at a girlfriends Saturday night, friends she likes to go hang out with and drink with. She said, if we were in a comitted relationship, she would come home to me or bring me along. For her, spending the night with friends is like spending the night with family. These friends, truly are her family. And, spending the night at someones home is very natural for her. It's not for me, something I don't understand. I want to be home, in my bed. She. on the other hand sees it as more time with her friends. Bonding, talking, etc.

 

We talked about some of the events when we dated that upset me. 4-5 weekends with family where there was a lot of drinking. She said that may still happen. Not often, but a few 1-2 a year, especially July 4th at her parent home on the water. It's tradtions, she's done it her entire life. The entire faily attends, it's an all weekend event, yes, drinking,m but alos lots of bonding, talking, being family.

 

She said the difference now, compared to when we were dating, is she knows her limits on a regular basis, 1-2 drinks, and she stops now, and it's because she wants to, not because of me. I have seen this, and. I'm amazed. If anything, I drink more than her, now.

 

One thing I am thinking a lot about, and we talked about it yesterday. her dream for her 13 year daughter is to have a house, with a big play room, with lots of teens over, doing what teens do. She had this growing up, she had it for her daughter in her last relationship, and, now that she is getting her feet back on the ground, about to double her income, she said she wants this to happen again. I, as an ISTJ type, kind of freak out about all the "noise", chaos and excitement. She said "that's who me and my daughter are" and she said I need to decide if I can handle/manage that. If I can't, no need to continue. Life has been quiet and calm for me for a long time. I do think about this. In a way it feels selfish, as I would like to have a child and help her raise her daughter. I have never done it before, so maybe some of this is a normal reaction for me.

 

I spent Friday night with the girl I refer to as my FWB here. No romance, no sex, talked about that up front, we just hung out. I was bored, she does not talk much, can't initate a conversation, and is very quiet. I think this is what I want, someone more like her, as she does not have a child, lives alone, more conservative, yet when around her, I get ansy, almost bored. I miss my ex.

 

And, her family likes to drink, drink a lot, at family gatherings. I am uncomfortable around this. She knows that, it concerns her. I had this with my ex-wife too. Her dad was a big drinker, and, it was always a source of contention when we visited him, as, my ex liked to drink and hang out with him.

 

The odd thing is, I like to drink a bit from tiem to time, and get a little crazy. When with her, I feel judgemental though. I have been this way with other girls I have dated. I don't like feeling this way, and i wish I understood it.

 

We talked about all of this yesterday. One of the outcomes was, to take time ot think lke xUnknown states. Though, if we do this, how do I get to spend time with her to see her changes? And, xUnknown, I agree 100%, I cannot continue to bring up the past with her. I thought letting her know about triggers, talking, was the correct thing to do. She understands, as she has triggers too, but yeah, it's not good to bring it up with her.

 

xUnknown, are you going to continue to see your ex, then, in January, tell her you need more time? My ex does see me as "the one", she has said that many times. I see a life with her, I do, she is an amazing woman. We can talk without raising our voices, she reads me and gets me like no other woman and is able to talk to me about it, which, is scary. She thinks I am scared to move forward, scared of getting hurt, again. As she put it yesterday, that is not living.

 

And, with Christmas, it makes it a little more interesting. The timing I guess.

 

And, I guess the challenge, for both of us, is how do you go slow, how do you take your time. She has done all the thinking she needs to do, made all the changes she wanted to make, has figured out where she can compromise with hus, and, is ready to go. If I say I need time, does that mean not seeing each other? If it does, how again do i find out if things are better now? How can two people grow, apart? How do I see if there has been real change, apart? I have seen it over 4 weeks, how do I see more?

Edited December 23, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

You sound so much like my ex. There was always something with me he didn't know if he liked. The overwhelming majority was great for him, but he always wanted more time to decide. He kept thinking that maybe he would find reassurance if he gave it more time. He would say stuff like I don't know if I can marry someone that isn't as Type A as me, or he thought I was too emotional about things. It was always me, and if chipped away at my self esteem.

 

He would say he wanted to marry one day. A few months later, he saw some side of my personality that he questioned. The thing is this. People are who they are, and you either want to be with turn or not. The question to ask is, do you want to live your life without this woman?