How to forgive, forget and accept someone has changed

[Babolat]

You sound so much like my ex. There was always something with me he didn't know if he liked. The overwhelming majority was great for him, but he always wanted more time to decide. He kept thinking that maybe he would find reassurance if he gave it more time. He would say stuff like I don't know if I can marry someone that isn't as Type A as me, or he thought I was too emotional about things. It was always me, and if chipped away at my self esteem.

 

He would say he wanted to marry one day. A few months later, he saw some side of my personality that he questioned. The thing is this. People are who they are, and you either want to be with turn or not. The question to ask is, do you want to live your life without this woman?

 

When we talked Sunday, she said, it feels like you are always trying to find a negative, a reason to not be with me. She said she is looking at the positive. I replied with "there were reasons we stopped seeing each other, big ones, and I am not sure those have been 100% resolved, for either of us, and I want to make sure you have thought that through".

 

For example, when she is around her foster family, at their family beach house, she likes to drink, they all do, a lot, and, I am uncomfortable in that environment. Is she going to be OK with me not going with her? Is that a "real relationship"? She sees it as "I (her) am not drinking as much on a regualr, day to day, weekly basis, like I (she) was, I have cut way back because I wanted to". I see that, and love it. The question is, how will I react if I am at one of these big events where there is heavy drinking...will I freak out, get upset? Will she in response to me? Is "just don't come then" a real solution? She got mad and said it's as if I am better them than, looking down on them because of their actions & behaviors. I said No, that environment just makes me uncomfortable.

 

She will do the same with some of her local friends. She said the difference now, with the local friends is she does not drink near as much, and with committing to me, she will not spend the night, she will come home to me (ideally she wants me to be there with her)

 

Another example, her paternal dad has a house in the mountains. When she goes there (I have never been) it's do shots all night, smoke pot, run in the fields and do crazy things with her half sister and 2 half brothers. They are all heavy drinkers and pot smokers. She does not smoke pot every day, not even every week or every month. It could be fun, I could see myself doing that, but, not all weekend, not everytime we go there. Is she going to be OK with me not wanting to go with her? I'm a go to bed by 11 kind of guy, get up and enjoy the next day. She can be that way, but in these cases, it's party til 3, 4, 5AM sometimes.

 

She had not thought about any of this until I mentioned it.

 

I get uncomfrotable around heavy, heavy partying and drinking that goes into the wee hours of the morning, when we dated before. I shut down, I go off on my own, I'll leave and walk on the beach, walk around the neighborhood. There are times when I have fun though, I guess I just shut down a lot sooner than she does.

 

Another example, trigger. Yesterday we went to her place to pick up her stuff. While driving away she said "Hey, lets go to XYZ". I had never heard of XYZ (not the real name, making this up), sounded like a bar name. I thought XYZ was a bar, and she wanted to meet friends there. It was 2PM. Turns out it's a used furniture store near here place, and she knows I have been looking for a table. I paniced though, like "what do I say. I jave no desire to meet up with her friends at a bar?". She loves to hang out at bars, be social, talk, and it's not all about drinking, just being around her friends socializing. Me, not so much all the time.

 

These are the parts of us, that I am not sure about the future. And, we have never talked about marriage. Now, though, with her being ready to make a comittment, I have to think about this, before I jump in.

Edited December 23, 2013 by Babolat

[MidwestUSA]

I hate to oversimplify it, but if getting back with her is the right decision, you would KNOW it!

 

I think you two have too much history.

[Babolat]

I hate to oversimplify it, but if getting back with her is the right decision, you would KNOW it!

 

I think you two have too much history.

 

I don't disagree.

 

I don't KNOW though; in fact, the few woman I have dated since my divorce, I have always found some reason to break up; this woman though, I am drawn to her, I can't explain it. Last night, as she was sitting on the couch making her necklaces, I was studying her face, her body, her hands, her feet, and I felt very drawn to her. I touch her, hold her, and, I am not an affectionate person. While in bed, we started laughing about something until we both cried, which I have not done in years.

 

Do you throw away what could be an amazing relationship, what could be, and go chasing something else? Do I do my usual, throw it away because of a few negatives? She is making compromises because of what she sees as issue with me; I, on the other hand, don't; I seem to want it all. I want her to be perfect, no negatives.

 

Then, sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to be in a relationship.

 

When I tried dating a couple of months ago, I found myself missing her fun side, missing being with her, and nobody "measured' up; in fact they felt a little boring to me. I found myself thinking about her, which I know to a degree is normal, but it was more "wow, I really like this about her" kind of thoughts. And I went out with 5-6 girls, even tried a FWB, who I liked, a lot, and, after sepnding tuime with her, found her to be a bit, boring. And, I have never done this before. When I have started dating in the past, after a breakup, this did not happen.

 

I think, and she agrees, we met "at the wrong time", when she was going thru major life transitions, she was not stable at all (no job, no home, single mom for first time in many many years, reconnecting with life long friends she previously was not "allowed to see", coming out of a very controlling relationship, etc) . I see much more stability in her now. The question for me is, can I accept the past, see her for who she is now, and move forward?

 

I dunno, and I don't know how to do that. If I walk away, I don't want to get to a point, where, I regret that, and make a mistake because of a past memory, what I think will happen. This is the first time in my life I have been in this position. All of my relationships, when, they were over, they were over.

 

Something brings both of us back together. We are also both strong enough to walk away from it this time. An odd thing to say, I know, I see it in her, and I feel it in myself. Months ago I would not have been able to say that.

Edited December 23, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

You do have valid reasons to question your compatibility in my opinion. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk. Sometimes, you just have to go with your heart and take a chance.

[xUnknown]

Hey Boblat. I've read through Thora's thread here twice: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/415395-my-no-contact-story

 

I would recommend doing the same. I dropped her a PM and she gave me some suggestions.

 

My ex texted me yesterday around 5pm with:

"So, just to make sure we're on the same page, do you still not want me to text you? It's just that you said that last time, then was hoping I would, but I thought you didn't want me to, so I didn't. I just want to do the right thing. I miss talking to you, but want to respect what you want right now"

 

I responded with:

"Please don't think that I was blowing off your text, I was with family and wanted to give it some thought. It really does mean a lot that you are respecting what I ask. If you want to text me, you may. Please just understand that if I don't respond, its not that I don't want to, it is just that I'm trying to do some reflecting. I hope you understand that."

 

I still wasn't sure when to send the NC email, however, early January I am going to send her the NC email or text (not sure which yet):

 

Hi, Ex

We both need to work past our old relationship before starting a new one -

so that we don't fall back into the same pattern that made our old relationship fail.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.

-xUnknown

 

During this 12 week period I am going to work on myself, work on healing, forgiving, and forgetting the past relationship. Thora makes mention of the word "evolve" a lot in her thread. I can't think of a better word for it. It isn't changing, because change isn't necessarily progress. Evolving is. Evolving is moving forward for the better - which is exactly what has to happen in my case, and in your case Babolat.

 

I would really consider doing the same. You both know you want to work out and get back together, but the past is holding you back....its holding me back. I need to move forward, I need to progress, evolve, forgive, and start a new relationship while forgetting the old one. There is only one way to start "Fresh", and that is learning to forgive, forget, move on and see your ex for the person who they are now - after evolving.

[Babolat]

Hey Boblat. I've read through Thora's thread here twice: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/415395-my-no-contact-story

 

I would recommend doing the same. I dropped her a PM and she gave me some suggestions.

 

My ex texted me yesterday around 5pm with:

 

I responded with:

 

I still wasn't sure when to send the NC email, however, early January I am going to send her the NC email or text (not sure which yet):

 

 

 

During this 12 week period I am going to work on myself, work on healing, forgiving, and forgetting the past relationship. Thora makes mention of the word "evolve" a lot in her thread. I can't think of a better word for it. It isn't changing, because change isn't necessarily progress. Evolving is. Evolving is moving forward for the better - which is exactly what has to happen in my case, and in your case Babolat.

 

I would really consider doing the same. You both know you want to work out and get back together, but the past is holding you back....its holding me back. I need to move forward, I need to progress, evolve, forgive, and start a new relationship while forgetting the old one. There is only one way to start "Fresh", and that is learning to forgive, forget, move on and see your ex for the person who they are now - after evolving.

We did NC from the end of August until she contacted me in mid November. I think I evolved a lot during that time. In fact I healed up and assumed we were finally done. Her contacting me surprised me.

[Babolat]

Update: We saw each other briefly on Christmas and then she went out of town to be with her family. I was not invited, my guess is because she knew I would feel uncomfortable, as they spend a lot of time sitting around drinking, doing shots, etc. She stopped by my place briefly Sunday on the way back from her trip.

 

I never look at her FB page. She sent my a FB Message this past Friday, which I saw after she left on Sunday, so I read it, and looked at her page (big mistake). Her ex fiance, the man before me, the one she had sex with while we were apart, is friends with her now, and had commented on one of her posts. He is also tagged in a photo with her from June, the same time her and I were spending time together. In fact, she was with me for my birthday 10 days prior. When we were dating last year she made it very clear how she felt about him (all negative) and he was not a FB friend then. Now they are FB friends.

 

I texted her to ask why they are friends now. She said they have been ever since they talked a lot this past spring/summer, and she really never gave it much thought.

 

I shared my concerns, again, that she was with him during the same period of time her and I were seeing each other off/on, having sex. She spun it back saying they spent 7 years together, they were in love, and she cares about his kids, he hers, and they will always communicate. This is the same message she delivered to me when we were dating, which I have no problems with. I reminded her of that, and, she spun it back with I will always have questions for her. In my opinion, not addressing my trust issue.

 

And, I made the mistake of looking at his FB page. Their entire history is still there, from when they were a couple. I only read a few posts, then stopped. She said she always posted for him as he did not know how. And, now that they are FB friends, I may see posts about them. Ironically there are posts about the girl he was with after her too.

 

It also seems he got engaged this past February, per FB, to the woman he cheated on while engaged to her. She mentioned, that when her and her ex were talking this summer, the talks initiated around her trying to help him get this woman back, that those talks then led into talks about their 7 year relationship, what happened between them, working thru some misunderstandings, etc.

 

I just can't understand why she would have talks with this man about their relationship, after we broke up. I don't understand why she would go out to drink with him, hang out with him, have sex with him, while her and I were spending time together, sometimes having reconciliation talks. Note, she takes her daughter to visit with him and his kids every few months, thus the reason they have to see each other in the first place.

 

I don't understand the stories she gave me when we first started dating, about what kind of man he was to her, how she was over him, how he treated her, and now, they are FB friends after they had "talks" this past summer and worked some misunderstandings out.

 

My ex, is my ex, I have no desire to talk to her, period. I have no desire to look back and talk about misunderstandings, no desire to have sex with her. I can't wrap my hands around why she did. She is spinning it with "becasue of the kids". Well, the kids were there when her I met. What's changed?

 

She told me that I floored her by cancelling on her last Friday and she is trying to recover. She said I have backed off and i am cold and distant. She started grieving again and it's difficult for her to go thru this.

 

I am having trust issues with her, trust she has really changed (so far what I see says yes) and trust issues with her having talks with her ex, and having sex with her ex, while her and I were spending time with each other this summer. And now, he is suddenly a FB friend, when before he was not. Granted, her and I were not dating this spring/summer, but, she contacted me a lot (I never initiated contact, it was always her), came over a lot, we had sex, a lot, we had some talks, and, all the while, she is spending time with him, too.

 

I want to let this go, and say to myself, all of this was part of her growth process, her self work, we were not dating, she ended up in talks with the ex, some things started to make sense about why they did not work out, maybe she even felt close to him, maybe she even considered reconciliation with him. She now sees him as a friend, and no longer has angry feelings towards him. She loves me, and wants to be with, me. I see that.

 

Me, personally, I would have felt like I was cheating on her if I did that.

 

So, at this point, I have no idea where she is even. She took her daughter down to him yesterday, to spend the week with him, so, I assume she is with him, or with friends there. When we dated she would take her daughter to visit him and spend time with her friends before driving back home.

 

I want this woman sooooo bad. I am crazy about her, like no other woman in my life. I wish I could move past all of this stuff in my head!

Edited December 31, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

Here is my gut feeling. You have different value and belief systems, which is difficult to overcome. You either accept her the way she is or not. It shouldn't be this difficult to maintain a relationship in my opinion.

 

Also, Facebook and social media cause so many problems.

[Babolat]

Here is my gut feeling. You have different value and belief systems, which is difficult to overcome. You either accept her the way she is or not. It shouldn't be this difficult to maintain a relationship in my opinion.

 

Also, Facebook and social media cause so many problems.

 

I have always thought about this, our values, our morals, our belief system, that we are off there. I have talked to her about this in the past, she disagrees. It's hard to put your hand on something like this, and not judge someone for being different than you in their way of thinking, how they process, how they make decisions.

 

I know, in my heart, I can trust her, that whatever happened this summer with the ex, happened, it was growth for her, something she needed to do probably. She mentioned there were a lot of lies flying around from family and friends when the relationship ended, and, talking to him this past summer put a lot of those to rest. She said over and over she no longer loves him, does not want to be with him, and wants to be with me.

 

And, I wonder, if this is yet another "excuse" for me to push her away. She has been saying that to me, that there will always be a reason for me to say we don't work.

 

I agree with the social media comment. She did a post on her daughters birthday, he commented "Happy birthday" to her daughter. I was surprised to see his name on one of her posts, so I clicked on his name, and it took me to his page, where I then saw years of history for them, and I then realized they are now FB friends, when before they were not. I am amazed he never removed that hisotry after they broke up; I would have thought his last gf/fiance would be upset it was still there.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Babolat

[BC1980]

With my ex, I always felt there was something he would find wrong with me, but they were more external factors as opposed to values and beliefs. He was always very loving and generous to me, but I felt this constant pressure not to do something "wrong." What happened is that I started to get anxious and second guess myself a lot. I think that anxiety manifested itself in ways that he didn't understand. I would sometimes get overly upset about something, but it was the overall stress I felt. So it ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy, and the relationship ended. Very sad, but we never talked much about our issues.

 

I don't think he realized how he came off to people. Like his way was better. Living with someone that closely for 3 years, it becomes a stressed environment.

[Babolat]

With my ex, I always felt there was something he would find wrong with me, but they were more external factors as opposed to values and beliefs. He was always very loving and generous to me, but I felt this constant pressure not to do something "wrong." What happened is that I started to get anxious and second guess myself a lot. I think that anxiety manifested itself in ways that he didn't understand. I would sometimes get overly upset about something, but it was the overall stress I felt. So it ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy, and the relationship ended. Very sad, but we never talked much about our issues.

 

I don't think he realized how he came off to people. Like his way was better. Living with someone that closely for 3 years, it becomes a stressed environment.

I feel anxious around her sometimes. Right before she shows up sometimes, I get anxious. Mostly though, once together I love being with her. When we are apart, the anxiety starts up again and I start thinking of all the reasons we do not fit.

 

It feel like something is wrong, not right, and I can't put my finger on it. It was this way when we dated before, and I thought it was her drinking and lifestyle. I can't say it's that now, as, I don't see that behavior anymore.

 

She met my mom for the first time on Christmas. Prior, after all my talks with mom about her, my mom did not think we were good for each other. My mom loved her after meeting her, everyone did. I watched her interact with my family and thought to myself how amazing she is.

 

It's strange to sit here, on NYE, and not even know where she is. I have started to text her a few times, then I stop asking myself "Why?"

 

I understand your self fulfilling prophecy comment. When we dated before, she said I talked so much about her drinking, that she felt like she was drinking more, especially when I was not around.

 

One thing we do well, is talk, we have both commented on that. We can talk about how we feel, and, we don't raise our voices, argue or fight.

 

She has made a lot of poor life choices, has rebuilt her life a few times, and maybe that goes back to values, and where I feel we are too different. I question how we would make decisions together, couple decisions, life decisions, family decisions, financial decisions, etc.

[BC1980]

You sound a lot like my ex. He said I caused him anxiety and he would have a list of why we didn't work. Then, he would say he loved me so much, was so attracted to me, and we clicked so well. It was so natural for us. However, he said that when he thought about marrying me, he became anxious and second guessed it at times. He was always looking for me to reassure him that it was the right decision.

 

He also said there was just something he couldn't put his finger on that made him hesitate. I wracked my brain with this guy, and I don't have any answers. I'm not sure there was anything I could have said or done to reassure him. My only advice is that you must accept her or not. Is it worth losing her forever?

[Babolat]

You sound a lot like my ex. He said I caused him anxiety and he would have a list of why we didn't work. Then, he would say he loved me so much, was so attracted to me, and we clicked so well. It was so natural for us. However, he said that when he thought about marrying me, he became anxious and second guessed it at times. He was always looking for me to reassure him that it was the right decision.

 

He also said there was just something he couldn't put his finger on that made him hesitate. I wracked my brain with this guy, and I don't have any answers. I'm not sure there was anything I could have said or done to reassure him. My only advice is that you must accept her or not. Is it worth losing her forever?

 

I don't want to lose her forever, No. We had a few small text exhanges NYE, no contact since. It's been a week since I have seen her. Feels strange.

 

She too recently told me she feels like there will always be something wrong, from me, that she has to make right.

 

A girl I had 2 dates with when OLD back in October texted me Happy NYE. I liked her, she said her "heart leaped for me"; but I was not sure so we did not have a 3rd date. Plus my ex came back into my life right about then.

 

We ended up talking on the phone yesterday for 2 hours. She talked about a few of her exes, ones she loved, but, was not in love with. She said she has experied true pure real love once in her life, and will not settle again until she feels that. She says it's obvious I love this woman, deeply, and purely, and that I need to accept that she has worked hard to change, that she loves me deeply and purely, and that's a love that is rare to find in life. She is willing to accept me for my faults, our differences, and wants to love me, that I should let her, that I should stop being afraid and let myself love her. She thinks I have been "wounded" by past relationships and I am not letting myself feel love, trust, etc.

 

Your ex and you, ended, of course. Why? Did he dump you, you dump him, reconciliation talks?

Edited January 2, 2014 by Babolat

[BC1980]

I don't want to lose her forever, No. We had a few small text exhanges NYE, no contact since. It's been a week since I have seen her. Feels strange.

 

She too recently told me she feels like there will always be something wrong, from me, that she has to make right.

 

A girl I had 2 dates with when OLD back in October texted me Happy NYE. I liked her, she said her "heart leaped for me"; but I was not sure so we did not have a 3rd date. Plus my ex came back into my life right about then.

 

We ended up talking on the phone yesterday for 2 hours. She talked about a few of her exes, ones she loved, but, was not in love with. She said she has experied true pure real love once in her life, and will not settle again until she feels that. She says it's obvious I love this woman, deeply, and purely, and that I need to accept that she has worked hard to change, that she loves me deeply and purely, and that's a love that is rare to find in life. She is willing to accept me for my faults, our differences, and wants to love me, that I should let her, that I should stop being afraid and let myself love her. She thinks I have been "wounded" by past relationships and I am not letting myself feel love, trust, etc.

 

Your ex and you, ended, of course. Why? Did he dump you, you dump him, reconciliation talks?

 

He dumped me after 3 years. He actually went so far as to buy me an engagement ring and would always refer to his things as "ours." As if we were married. He would always say "when we are married." When he dumped me, he said he gave me very confusing reasons, and I still could not tell you why we broke up. I don't think he really knows either as his reasons were always changing. Basically, he said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but he had a sixth sense it wasn't totally right.

 

He wreaked a lot of havoc in my life, and I still don't understand why he took the relationship that far. I asked him if he always felt it was wrong, and he said no. Sometimes, for several months he would want to marry me and talk about his we should go ahead and do it. Then, he would get lukewarm on me. It was emotionally draining for me.

 

I've begun to think that he is emotionally unavailable and a commitment phone. He blows hot and cold in all aspects of his life and has a hard time making decisions. What I found interesting is that he would never opt out of a relationship with me totally. He kept saying he needed to think about it or maybe in a few months or years. I really had to be the one to end it and go NC for my own sanity.

[Babolat]

He dumped me after 3 years. He actually went so far as to buy me an engagement ring and would always refer to his things as "ours." As if we were married. He would always say "when we are married." When he dumped me, he said he gave me very confusing reasons, and I still could not tell you why we broke up. I don't think he really knows either as his reasons were always changing. Basically, he said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but he had a sixth sense it wasn't totally right.

 

He wreaked a lot of havoc in my life, and I still don't understand why he took the relationship that far. I asked him if he always felt it was wrong, and he said no. Sometimes, for several months he would want to marry me and talk about his we should go ahead and do it. Then, he would get lukewarm on me. It was emotionally draining for me.

 

I've begun to think that he is emotionally unavailable and a commitment phone. He blows hot and cold in all aspects of his life and has a hard time making decisions. What I found interesting is that he would never opt out of a relationship with me totally. He kept saying he needed to think about it or maybe in a few months or years. I really had to be the one to end it and go NC for my own sanity.

 

Your ex and I do sound similar, maybe for different reasons though. I stayed in it so long last year as I was hoping she would change, I could change and accept her, or something would happen, something. It got worse and worse, and, by her own words she was spiraling out of control..she now admits that. Love is not the issue; I do love her and she could be "the one".

 

After 8 months apart, where the last 3 months there was NC, and I started dating, I discovered there are woman out there who I share morals with, I share values and beliefs with. I got very lost in "her" when we dated. I think I "healed" from all of her crap, and, I don't want it again. I have told her this, and, she is still here, and states i am right, she will not act/behave like that ever again.

 

She is not bad person, not at all. She's quite an amazing woman.

 

I found myself, when were dating, and even over the past weeks, listening to her tell a life story, the choices she made, and I would think to myself "that was irresponsbile" or "that was wrong". And, I think I focus on that, thinking about a future.

 

Examples: she decided to stop making her student loan payents (before we ever met) because she could not afford them. She has a medical bill she cannot afford to pay, so she did not. She also disagreed with the charges. In my world, you pay bills, as best you can, even if it means working ut something with the biller, you don't just walk away from them. She has a storage unit she has to pay for monthly..she will not pay it for a months, and they will lock her out. Morals, what's right, what's wrong, to me. I think "manage your money better, stop spending money on stupid crap" Though she buys her clothes at yard sales mostly, gets hammy downs from her family, bought all her household stuff for her apartment at yard sales...so I get confused. I think "if you did not go to bars you would have money".

 

When we dated she liked to party pretty hard, get drunk, sometimes in front of her 12 year old daughter, at a family function or a friends house. That really bugged me. She later told me she was teaching her daughter how to drink responssibly, with friends/family, at their home, and not driving. She said she did not want to hide that from her daughter, then her daughter got curious and did it on her own, with her own circle of friends. I don't think a child should see that.

 

She still choses to smoke pot 4-5 times a year, even though she is having some health issues from 30+ years of partying. That bugs me.

 

It's stuff like that. Not bad in the true sense of the word, just wondering, long term, are our morals in line.

 

I can't find the link/post now, but I think you referred me to another LS thread, where the dumpee evolved, and is doing a trial period with her ex? Is this what you are hoping for with you ex?

 

Just curious, how old are the two of you?

Edited January 2, 2014 by Babolat

[Simon Phoenix]

There's a bit of paralysis from analysis going on here. Eventually you have to sh*t or get off the pot, block out the white noise and make a decision. Honestly, if you are thinking this much about it, it's probably not a good thing to take her back. But if you do, you have to accept her for who she is -- don't try to mold her into someone else. But there's just way too much hemming and hawing going on here.

[BC1980]

I'm 33, and he is 49. We were 29 and 46 when we met. It seems like a big age difference when I write it out, but it never seemed that way to me.

[Babolat]

I'm 33, and he is 49. We were 29 and 46 when we met. It seems like a big age difference when I write it out, but it never seemed that way to me.

 

Interesting..the woman I refer to on here as my FWB, she is 29, I am 47. She recently approached me, again, to ask if we could start hanging out again, no sex, see if we are compatabile and explore a dating relationship.

[Babolat]

There's a bit of paralysis from analysis going on here. Eventually you have to sh*t or get off the pot, block out the white noise and make a decision. Honestly, if you are thinking this much about it, it's probably not a good thing to take her back. But if you do, you have to accept her for who she is -- don't try to mold her into someone else. But there's just way too much hemming and hawing going on here.

 

The hemming and halling is over morals. Choices she has made in the past, and now, her going back to her ex, to have talks, having sex with him, all during a period of time when she was coming to me, to have talks, and sex, well, concerns me. Yes, we were broken up, but, our talks were about reconciliation. The talks would always end with her stating "I need more time to work on me, alone, without you", which I agreed with. I now learn she was hanging out with him during this time. This is a man she assured me, while we were dating, she was over, there was nothing there, blah blah blah. I think it's immoral, she does not. She states we were not together, so, it was not cheating. To me, it was a form of cheating. I could not even go on a date until I was 100% healed, 100% sure in my mind we were done, let alone have sex, with an ex for that matter.

 

I think it's questionable morals, questionable character. It actually goes against everything I know about this woman, from her words over the past 2 years. When I asked why she had sex with him, she said he made her feel accepted, and she felt alone. She also said they had a lot of talks about their relationship, what really happened, etc. Really? She was also contacting me, and spending time with me during the same period, so how could she feel alone? And Sunday, I see, they are FB friends again. She said the sex was purely physical, that it meant nothing to her, it was not like sex with me. Really? 7 years with this man, and it's non emoitonal sex, and now you are FB friends, again?

 

She still does not think it was wrong that she spent weekends in a hotel room with her male best friend when he came to town, that she flew to his town to spend weekends with him (all expenses paid by him), alone in his house, where they would go out drinking every night (this is a 10 year "friendship" where his inital interests in her where sex, and, he recently expressed that again to one of her best friends, and it got back to her so she has put the friendship on Pause), while we were dating. She still does not think it was wrong that she would go party with friends all weekend, disappear, while we were dating. She still does not think it was wrong to hang out in bars until the early monring, with her friends, drinking, talking to men, letting men buy them drinks, while we were dating. She still does not think it was wrong to meet one of her other male friends for dinners, drinks, lunches, and never tell me until either after, or in 2 cases my friends saw her out and told me. Her compromise, her proposal, is that she will not do it, or she will come home to me, or I will be with her, versus going back to her friends places to sleep. To me, all of the above is questionable morals, questionable character. She tells me she was not 100% comitted to me, that's why she made those decsions, she now realizes that.

 

So, in the end, I don't know if I trust she has truly changed (her actions and behaviors related to drinking/partying/socializing when we dated), and, I don't know if I trust her. I have no idea how to move past that. If, I could, I think there is an amazing relationship there.

 

We are meeting to talk tonight. I don't see a favorable outcome, unless i can somehow move past this.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Babolat

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that there were a lot of shady things this woman did and you will never feel 100% right with her. I know you struggle to let her go but you will need to make the decision and stick to it. You have been living in limbo ever since you broke up which was like a year ago..

[BC1980]

I think she has given you all the compromises and reassurances she can, but I don't think it's enough. She has done some shady things IMO, but, if she doesn't see it as wrong, that's her. I think you two are just incompatible at the core no matter how much love is there. I feel like this is being drug out longer than it needs to be, but it will ultimately end.

 

You can't will yourself to accept her behavior if you find it unacceptable. I just don't think that's possible.

[Babolat]

I think that there were a lot of shady things this woman did and you will never feel 100% right with her. I know you struggle to let her go but you will need to make the decision and stick to it. You have been living in limbo ever since you broke up which was like a year ago..

 

I actually "left limbo" sometime in October, I felt healed, I accepted her for who she was, accepted she is who she is at her core, and that we are different at our cores, I am who I am, it's all OK, was grateful for what she taught me, what I learned about myself in the relationship, and emotionally moved on and started dating again. It took full NC for me to get there, but I did.

 

Her re-entering my life threw me for a loop. Her announcing all these changes, which I never expected, caught me off guard. Are her morals different now...I doubt it.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Babolat

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, if you can't totally put it in the rear view and let bygones be bygones, you have to cut it off, not only to let yourself find someone more compatible, but her as well. You can't be the wishy-washy guy -- either you can accept her as is or not. If you can't, then don't, but let her know.

[BC1980]

I actually "left limbo" sometime in October, I felt healed, I accepted her for who she was, accepted she is who she is at her core, and that we are different at our cores, I am who I am, it's all OK, was grateful for what she taught me, what I learned about myself in the relationship, and emotionally moved on and started dating again. It took full NC for me to get there, but I did.

 

Her re-entering my life threw me for a loop. Her announcing all these changes, which I never expected, caught me off guard. Are her morals different now...I doubt it.

 

I think you would both be unhappy in the long run. She would become bitter because she changed for you, and you don't fully trust her. It's up to you to decide what you can accept and what are deal breakers.

[burningashes]

I've been on both sides of the coin.

 

When I was the person trying to earn trust back, I learned one thing- it takes as long as it will. No poking and prodding will speed things along, and that is the first thing your ex needs to remember. She needs to work to earn your trust for as long as it takes for you to feel like you can trust her again. Apologizing can only do so much, it's her actions now that count and it doesn't sound like she's really trying that hard for you. I think, deep down, you know it too.

 

So, you should explain this to your ex. Of course, focus on the positives, but talk about the negatives until you don't feel the need to.

 

On the other side of the coin, as the forgiver, there is the risk of the unknown, whether your ex has really changed and won't take you for granted for again. That's the thing here though, she's still taking you for granted with brushing you off in regards to her ex being on Facebook. She's not taking you seriously.

 

If I wanted you back, and found out you saw those old photos or being friends with my ex on facebook etc when in fact I had recent history with him, he'd be gone. If you told me it bothered you, I'd be doing anything to reassure you. It's not him I care about, it's you. Your ex, in order to regain your trust, needs to keep contact with her former partners at minimum. Why? it's what people do in relationships out of respect for their partners, even with children involved.

 

It's completely inappropriate for her kid(s) to dictate her relationship with their father, and definitely NOT an excuse for your ex to use why she's friends with her ex. Again, she's not taking you seriously. That seems to be part of the issue to me, that things have happened, and she's still instigating it while on a crusade to regain your love back.

 

If she stopped ALL of that, no doubt you would have very little issue reuniting with her and working it out with her. Until she does, you should be honest with yourself whether you can trust her completely again. Forgiving and trusting are two very different things, you can forgive her but can you trust her? So you have two choices, go through what I mentioned above with your ex, if you THINK you can eventually trust her again if she did the work. Or end the relationship and move on forward with someone else who you can trust completely. Sorry, it's a tough cookie to eat