Monodare1 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Hi Like most of us do at the post mortem of a relationship it occurred to me that in the past, with the exes method of suggesting I propose to her, her asking me to move to her home town, her suggesting we buy a house our there, it occurred to me that I did everything she asked of me but didn't stand up for what I wanted for fear of literally compromising the relationship. I recognise a similar them to the relationship before it. Am I compromising on my idea of a good relationship by being a yes man to every woman that gives me a chance at a relationship? How do I break the cycle, when my next relationship comes along (which I hope it will) how do I stand up for what I want out of a relationship without jeopardising it? Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 (edited) Hi Like most of us do at the post mortem of a relationship it occurred to me that in the past, with the exes method of suggesting I propose to her, her asking me to move to her home town, her suggesting we buy a house our there, it occurred to me that I did everything she asked of me but didn't stand up for what I wanted for fear of literally compromising the relationship. I recognise a similar them to the relationship before it. Am I compromising on my idea of a good relationship by being a yes man to every woman that gives me a chance at a relationship? How do I break the cycle, when my next relationship comes along (which I hope it will) how do I stand up for what I want out of a relationship without jeopardising it? You are at heightened risk of getting involved with a Borderline Personality. These woman actively seek out good-natured, conpromising men because these are the only men who put up with their antics and one-sidededness. Just be aware of this. Don't change who you are. It will serve you well in a healthy relationship, but steer clear of the Borderline Personalities. Edited November 26, 2013 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 Interesting, my stbxw background is quite troubled. Her mum and dad divorced when she was 3 years old, her mum then married her step dad who was physically abusive to her mum while under the influence of alcohol (which the stbxw witnessed whole very young on several occasions) and had to move in with her grandmother from time to time while her mother was going through this, suggesting that the ex has gone through some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. Doesn't help my situation though. I always tried to do my best by her and have ended up with a son, a futon and a filing cabinet while she has my son most of the time, the house, car, furniture etc Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 You be honest and tell her how you feel about things and look for a compromise. If she isn't willing to compromise then she isn't the one. For the first few years, I thought we had the best marriage. We never argued. I told people that it was because everything time something came up, it was more important to one of us than the other so it was always easy to compromise. Later, his standard answer to everything was "I don't care, whatever you want." It took a little time for me to figure out that he never made a decision. He left everything up to me, even when we hit hard times. It was my problem to figure out what to do. This took it's toll on me. I wanted a life partner but what I ended up with was a dependent, someone who was totally dependent on me to make decisions for them. Now as my marriage is ending, I realize that the real truth is if you don't make any decisions then you don't have to take responsibility for anything and you can throw it all back into your spouses face. Now he claims that I always had to have everything my way. What I want in my next relationship is honesty. Tell me how you really feel and then we can make decisions based in reality and taking into consideration both sides and if that jeopardizes the relationship, then it wasn't much of a relationship to start with. And I would rather find it out early than after 14 years of marriage. No offense intended, but if you really didn't stand up for what you wanted then you really didn't have a very honest relationship and that wasn't really fair to either one of you. Don't do that next time. Open up and be honest, then you can build a strong, lasting relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 No offence taken. We met in April 2008, she was already doing a personal feasibility study on our finances by July 2008 to see if we could afford to rent a flat together, I relented and we moved in together in October 2008, after one month se suggested I propose marriage to her. When I told her I felt it was a bit soon she broke down in tears and asked me if I didn't want to marry her. It was such an awkward situation that I relented again. Looking back it seems that I have been manipulated all along. 3 years of marriage, 5 house moves, 1 purchased house and 1 son later she had everything and I'm left back living at my dads where I was at 6 years ago as if nothing changed. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Hindsight really is 20/20 isn't it? Wish we knew then what we know now. I would guess that most of us on here understand. I think that we will do better next time around as we have learned a few things. I'll bet that you will not be so easily manipulated in the future. You have to keep in mind that you are not looking for just a relationship, you are looking for the right relationship, and for it to be right you have to feel comfortable expressing your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 I hope so, the only person my heart breaks for in this situation is my little boy, that's the saddest of all and the fact I only see him sat/sun. I hope he will understand and forgive me one day. I look forward hopefully to meeting the right woman for me who will love me for me and not what she can get out of me. Who will also be accepting of my son so that he can have a home from home someday. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 If you raise your son with love I hear in your posts, he will return that love a hundred fold. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 I will do my utmost, I have to admit though, especially at this time of year, I feel a little lost. Link to post Share on other sites
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