Depressed friend

[Clair]

Please, I need advice, I cannot figure out what to do. This has been going on for a year already and it isn't getting better.

 

I have a friend who is depressed. Therapy is not an option for him, he doesn't want to go to the doctor. I personally also don't believe in drugs. His problem is that he is very lonely. When he travels, he feels more alive, but at other times he is falling apart.

 

I heard you need to let the depressed person talk about their feelings, this way they would feel needed and appreciated. I do just that, listen and correct his erroneous and negative judgements, just like a therapist would do. This takes a lot of time and strength. I myself am somewhat depressed, I had a clinical depression one year ago, thank god I am feeling better now.

 

When I listen to him and give him a positive feedback, in the beginning it feels good, but later I start to feel exausted, because I put a lot of energy, feelings and imagination into that and it doesn't work. He is not feeling better. But I feel worse, I feel his pain and it bothers me very much.

 

I guess I would like to protect myself from falling into a depressed state again. Because his negativity affects me a lot.

 

What can I do? I do care about him a lot, but don't want to feel down all the time.

[SadAndLonely]

I think you need to back off and take care of yourself. If he notices, tell him that you care about him, but that you need to take care of yourself, and urge him to do the same for himself. If he doesn't even want to take the time to talk to a professional, he has no right to be burdening you, and you're in no capacity to deal with it.

[Clair]

I don't know, I kind of feel responsible for his condition. I am the only person who is his real friend. Right now he is not calling me, but now it's me who wants to talk to him and find out how he is doing. Something is wrong with him and with me in this situation. I cannot figure out what it is.

[jmargel]

Clair,

 

The first thing you have to realize is that you can't 'fix' him. Depression is a disease that can only be cured by going to a professional (a therapist) and receiveing anti-depressant medication. Especially if there's a chemical imbalance with him.

 

You are taking him as your responsibility, which you should not take. You will only be emotionally exhausting yourself like you have already mentioned. You are taking the world on your shoulders and basing your self-worth on whether you can help him defeat this. This is way too much for anyone to handle. In order to defeat depression, he has to admit that he is depressed. He then has to learn that in order to defeat this, he needs to see a doctor and a counselor.

 

It's great that you are there for him to talk too, there's nothing wrong with that. But, you have to remember that you can't fix this. That you can't put this pressure on yourself to help defeat this without professional help. This will only lead you back into your depression. Remember, depression isn't just a one time disease. It can come and go many times. So, you need to be taking care of yourself.

 

What I would do is do a search on 'depression' and look at some good sites. When you come across articles that mention what depression really is, and what needs to be done to overcome it, then print those out and give it to him. Has he been talking about suicide? Has he been giving things away, or making preperations? Ask him on a scale of 1-10, to rate how depressed he is. Where suicide is a 10.

 

Let him come to you like you have been. Don't say things like 'Things will get better, etc..' it makes the depressed person feel like you don't truly understand him. I was depressed and suicidal myself a few years ago so I know where he may be now, and where you have been. In order for me to have gotten past my depression, I got the medical help, and the counselor. I also set short-term goals for myself that made me focus on the current things, and not worry about the bleak future.

 

Hang in there and remember if you feel yourself slipping, don't hestitate to find a counselor yourself. Post here as much as you like.

[Clair]

Today he was calling me at night, from 3.30 to 5.30 in the morning. For him it doesn't matter if it is day or night. Before I allowed him to wake me up a few times at night. But now I decided to turn off the phone in the bedroom during the night hours. I mean, isn't it normal to want not to be disturbed while sleeping?

What happened is, he left 11 messages for me, getting more angry every time, telling me, that I don't care about him, and ending by saying, that I should forget about him and not call him again.

It's not true, I do care. Why is he saying this to me? I think because I didn't answer the telephone at night. I tried calling him in the morning and left a few messages explaining the situation, that I was asleep, and that what he thinks about me is wrong. But I don't think he believes anything I say.

What I am trying to understand is - is he right in what he is doing? What exactly is happening? Am I supposed to feel guilty? Why does he tell me that he is not important for me after all that I am doing for him? He makes me feel, that I am not doing enough, that I should care more, which would mean sacrificing some of my personal life. But I don't want to do sacrifices, and I am not asking to do that for me. I believe, that we should compromise, that he should compromise too with my situation.

Please, tell me if you can understand what is going on, he is just driving me crazy.

[moimeme]

You are serving the function of counsellor for him but it is a function you're not really qualified to perform. Please encourage him to get help. Do as jm suggested and send him some good websites. He needs help and he's turning to you, who is unqualified to help him. This will do neither of you any good.

[Clair]

I did suggest that to him many times. But what I am wondering now is: do we really have a friendship? He only calls me when he feels bad, and feels he has a right to terminate our friendship if I didn't do something he needs. And it's like the better I treat him, the worse he feels (about me too). Sooner or later he ends up in rage and does some silent treatment for me. Sometimes he is really nice and caring, but sometimes he is horrible. May be it's part of his condition, I just wish I understood, who is this person, that I seem to know so well, who shows me a completely different face, and that really scares me.

[7on]

He needs more friends.

 

I was in his state a few days ago, that lasted about 2 weeks. Talking to friends and stuff, discussing my problems. So I leave an away message - talking about how depressed I was - and come back and find two messages waiting for me. It did not matter what they said, but it made me realize how lucky I was to have those two guys for friends.

I'm a constant "helper" I guess. It makes me feel good to make others feel good. However, still trying to figure out what brought upon this depression.

 

There was a thread somewhere in these forums talking about steps to end depression. Something about dressing nice everyday, saying self-encouragement stuff to yourself, etc. Maybe suggest that to your friend

 

Or you can always give your friend a link to these forums.

[hanksandbubbles]

i know what you are going through..recently, i have reconciled with my depressed friend after 3 months of not talking to her. i had to break up our friendship in the first place due to her constant complaining, followed by even more whining and to top it all off, cutting habits. It's been about 2 weeks since we've been in contact again, and i already feel like she's taken hold of my life. you mentioned that he calls you in the morning around 3 am? i get text messages about how her cutting is therapy, she hates life etc. what a wonderful morning wake up call eh? i'm not completely sure why i wanted to be friends with her again, i think it might be out of lonliness myself, and she does tend to fill that hole in my heart. however, she also (like your friend) tends to deplete my spirit. going back to your problem (sorry i went off tangent there), all i can say is try to limit physical contact with this person. sometimes it's easier to deal with it on the phone etc. if your friend complains that you aren't there for him enough, then just get out everything you want to tell him and let the friendship go. seriously, i know it sounds harsh, but as a friend, he shouldn't be dragging you down with him, but instead be thankful for your help and try to make a difference. if your help isn't doing anything for him, and it's causing you to fell worse, then the friendship is a negative effect on both of you and therefore it should not exist. sorry if this sounds nasty and blunt, but you have to remember that you come number one, not him.

[Maxxus]

Ever hear of "misery loves company." Thats pretty much why he is trying to make you feel bad. I have a mild case of manic depression, which runs in my family, so I know where he is coming from. From what you said about you being his only friend, and him calling you at 3:00 in the morning and the giving you the silent treatment, says to me that he is a little more depressed than something you could handle. He definatly needs some professional help. If he wants to talk to you go for it, friends really do help when you are depressed, even if you are a jerk to them. But make him meet you in a public place like a park or something. Its kinda cold right now I suppose depending on where you live so maybe a fast food place that has really big widows. Sunlight and fresh air really help to lighten the mood, plus he will have to clean up to go in public and that will make him better too. Switching up your life abit helps too, so dont go to the same places at the same times. Always pick a different place at a differnet time of the day. But definatly point him toward more professional help.

[Beav3r]

You guys are trying to do things that are impossible. As hanksandbubbles said that his friend "filled a hole", this is rather inaccurate. It comes down to faith. You have to realize that friends don't fill holes, the only thing that can mend your heart is Jesus Christ. In order to help yourself and your friend, you must first realize that he is fighting a battle within himself. A battle that is constantly lost by people who try to fight it. It wares you down into a state of helplessnes that some deal with by suicide, and others by frantically trying to fill holes. Your friend is in denial, blaming others for his emotions. You must also realize that you are POWERLESS over your emotions. You can't fight how you feel, so stop trying to change it. Next, realize that guilt is another side of depression, it is another one of Satan's ways to bring you down. My advice to you is somewhat difficult, but nevertheless, it is a necessity to feeling "better". You need to rest, my friends. Get down on your knees one night and pray a solemn prayer. Say, "Lord, I am helpless beyond comprehension, and I need your help. Without you, I am nothing. I need you to carry me through this time of doubt and anguish. I am laying my life and my burdons down at your throne and i pray that you deal with them, for I am incapable of doing so myself." Now you rest. Take all of your worries and fears, and thrown them out the door. Also, try and remember a verse of the bible, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart," Solomon wrote, "and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). Trusting in God, and got alone, is vital, my friends. "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (Ps 20:7) I hope this helps you and your friend. I must say that I feel your pain.