Apathetic Boyfriend

[MontanaGirl]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. I'm 28, he's 31. I love him, and he says he loves me, but I just don't feel all that loved.

 

He's very independent and doesn't seem to want to see me as much as past boyfriends have. When we do spend time together he rarely plans anything (but gets restless when we just hang out at home).

 

He teases me a lot, but doesn't balance out the teasing by saying anything nice about me. I can count the compliments he's given me on one hand. I've asked him to say more good things about me, but he says he feels awkward complimenting people. He says he thinks good things about me, but struggles with saying them. We say we love each other maybe once a week, but that's really the extent of the sweet things he says to me.

 

Our sex life is lacking too. He's never said anything positive about sex together, and he complains that I don't initiate/take charge enough. I've tried, but he doesn't react to my attempts (once he told me I wasn't doing it right). When I asked him about it, he said he thinks our sex life is "satisfactory" (except that I don't "pounce" on him enough), so didn't see any reason to comment on it.The criticism coupled with lack of positive feedback has left me feeling way less confident, adventurous, or amorous, which just worsens the problem.

 

There are so many other things that make me doubt his excitement about me, but my post is already getting too long. He says stress at work makes him withdraw emotionally--and that work has been exceptionally stressful these last 10 months--so thinks things will get better once work calms down. He says he's never been good at the typical "romantic" stuff (e.g. flowers, compliments, little gifts, massages), but that he does love me. Am I expecting too much from him? I can't keep asking him how he feels about me, or asking him to give more to our relationship. We've had that conversation at least four times, and I'm sick of feeling and sounding like the needy insecure girlfriend.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like a winner. Why would you ever consider leaving?

 

He's selfish at the very least, abusive at worst. He beats you down and does nothing but make excuses when you ask him to help boost you back up. You're allowing yourself to become insecure because of his actions and I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would be a positive part of your life... not an emotional drain like this guy is.

[pteromom]

Maybe you are expecting too much of him. Maybe he isn't capable of being open and vulnerable and loving and kind.

 

But the question is this: Does this relationship work for YOU?

 

Are you happy in this relationship?

 

I don't think there is anything "needy" about what you are asking for.

 

It's time to be more assertive and specific about what you need, and see if he steps up or not.

 

"I need you to actually say the sweet things you think."

"If you want me to initiate sex in a specific way, I need you to tell me exactly what you want."

Etc...

 

If he argues or doesn't do it, it may just be time to move on and find someone more on your wavelength.

[MsOptimist]

I married a guy like this and it never got better, it only got worse. Worse on both ends - he never became any more supportive and I only retreated further because my emotional and physical needs weren't being met (with even simple things like hugging me).

 

I agree with pteromom that you should be more assertive with him (but I completely understand that you probably have been already) and see how he responds. If it's more of the same, expect that the situation won't improve.

 

I am now with someone who is emotionally available, romantic, and overall in tune with my needs in a relationship - and I couldn't be happier to be away from the type of relationship that I grew accustomed to with my ex husband.

[Acacia98]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. I'm 28, he's 31. I love him, and he says he loves me, but I just don't feel all that loved...

 

The criticism coupled with lack of positive feedback has left me feeling way less confident, adventurous, or amorous, which just worsens the problem...

 

Am I expecting too much from him? I can't keep asking him how he feels about me, or asking him to give more to our relationship. We've had that conversation at least four times, and I'm sick of feeling and sounding like the needy insecure girlfriend.

 

MontanaGirl, this is what unhappiness feels like. You are unhappy in the relationship. It is okay to acknowledge that he's not a good fit for you. And it is okay to say you want more than he is giving you. It is also okay for him to say this is who he is and he's not changing to accommodate you. And, at that point, it is perfectly okay for you to break up.

 

It is not needy or insecure to be affectionate and to want affection from your partner. But it is unrealistic to keep asking somebody for affection when he has shown, time and again, that he cannot or will not give it to you. Staying in a relationship with that person will ultimately leave you very needy and insecure.

[MontanaGirl]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm definitely not happy as things are, but I can't quite accept that things can't get better. The hard part is that he says he wants to give me what I want out of a relationship. I can logically see that he loves me, and doesn't want our relationship to end. And he says things between us will get better once work does, but how long am I supposed to wait to see if that's true?

 

I guess one more "big talk" can't hurt anything. I'll try to be more pointed about what I'm looking for. As for the sex thing, I'm afraid I've completely shut down. Whenever the subject of me initiating is mentioned, something inside me just... quits. I lose any sexual desire I had prior, and just feel so sad and incompetent. I know if I'm asking him to change I should be willing too, but how do I get over these feelings of being so unsexy to him, in order to "pounce?"

 

I'm supposed to be meeting his family for Thanksgiving tomorrow (we're staying the whole weekend). They're evidently quite excited to meet me. Do I wait until afterwards to talk to him? Before we head out? On the drive back?

[StanMusial]

He sounds like a lazy slug.

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm definitely not happy as things are, but I can't quite accept that things can't get better. The hard part is that he says he wants to give me what I want out of a relationship. I can logically see that he loves me, and doesn't want our relationship to end. And he says things between us will get better once work does, but how long am I supposed to wait to see if that's true?

 

I guess one more "big talk" can't hurt anything. I'll try to be more pointed about what I'm looking for. As for the sex thing, I'm afraid I've completely shut down. Whenever the subject of me initiating is mentioned, something inside me just... quits. I lose any sexual desire I had prior, and just feel so sad and incompetent. I know if I'm asking him to change I should be willing too, but how do I get over these feelings of being so unsexy to him, in order to "pounce?"

 

I'm supposed to be meeting his family for Thanksgiving tomorrow (we're staying the whole weekend). They're evidently quite excited to meet me. Do I wait until afterwards to talk to him? Before we head out? On the drive back?

 

I know exactly how you feel with both thinking/hoping that things can and will get better, and how you shut down and feel sad and incompetent when discussing certain aspects of the relationship. I constantly felt like I never measured up to his expectations.

 

I was always thinking that things would get better once x happened or after x time had passed. It was always something. And there were periods in our relationship where he was more empathetic and more in tune with me, especially around the time we got engaged and we first married, which made me rug sweep the doubts in the back of my mind.

 

Don't learn the hard way like I did. I was always making excuses for how our relationship was and trying to change myself, trying to become less emotional. In the end he simply wasn't capable of love and fully opening up in the way that I want and need - he ended it, not me, in case you're wondering.

 

It wasn't until I was away from the situation that I truly realized what kind of a number this did on me for so many years. I couldn't see clearly, but now I do and don't want to go back to a relationship like that. The fact that you are questioning this now is a good thing.

 

I'd probably wait til after the holiday to discuss this. If I had brought this up with my ex husband, his reaction would be to withdraw even further and make for a very uncomfortable weekend (with or without his family). I'd be left feeling sad and guilty for "ruining the holiday." Seeing how he is around his family will be telling for you as well. See how interactive he is with his family.

[Delilah1623]

Why are you dating my exhusband??

[Ruby Slippers]

He sounds like a dud. I recently left my ex for some of the same reasons. I've missed him, and I feel some dread at the prospect of searching for a good guy again. But for the most part I feel happy and relieved that I had the self-respect to walk away from a relationship that wasn't making me feel loved and appreciated. That really makes you feel like **** after a while.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Ruby Slippers

[Neville107]

Give this guy the boot. Find someone who wants to be "In" a relationship. This guy isn't. There's plenty of single guys out there that will meet you needs and make you feel special. This guy isn't going to change - he'll always have an excuse and it will never be his fault. Next!!

[ascendotum]

Maybe you are expecting too much of him. Maybe he isn't capable of being open and vulnerable and loving and kind.

 

But the question is this: Does this relationship work for YOU?

 

Are you happy in this relationship?

 

I don't think there is anything "needy" about what you are asking for.

 

It's time to be more assertive and specific about what you need, and see if he steps up or not.

 

"I need you to actually say the sweet things you think."

"If you want me to initiate sex in a specific way, I need you to tell me exactly what you want."

Etc...

 

If he argues or doesn't do it, it may just be time to move on and find someone more on your wavelength.

 

I agree. I do think she needs to take into account the fact that he has been under high stress at work for the last 10 mths. Some people can handle stress well and others not. Many internalize it and it can deplete them emotionally. I've been in a similar situation to him with stress and the lack of emotional vibrancy in a relationship. It may not really be who he really is when he is not drained by work pressures (or it could...the lack of compliments is not really good and not hard to do). Its a shame that the majority of the relationship has been spent with him in this state, so she may not really know his potential.

OP - You'd hope he would see change to his circumstances in the near term. If not then you need to evaluate your needs and do what is best for you. You have given him notice on what you expect.

[anna121]

After a year, and absent a "come to Jesus" moment, this is what the relationship will look like. This is who he is.

 

In my experience, the only way relationships can get out of this kind of pattern is for them to be disrupted (ie., break up), and for people to develop on their own. At that point, sometimes, the relationship can be renewed on different terms.

 

So, while it's undoubtedly hard I strongly suggest you accept that what you have now is the best predictor of what you will have in the future. And that you make your decisions based on that assumption.

[ChessPieceFace]

As usual, everyone will tell you to end your relationship over any kind of problem, because they have nothing invested, and are perfectly happy to wreck YOUR relationship. It really should be a disclaimer on every page of this site.

 

Men are often expected to hold in their emotions. I don't know why it's so incredible that some of us have learned to do it too much. I would probably be similar to your boyfriend in a lot of ways. It's not that I wouldn't care or wouldn't feel things, but that I was both unaccustomed to expressing those things, but also inherently uncomfortable with expressing them. But it's something that could be improved and worked on over time.

 

If you care about a relationship, you work on it. Let him know (as nicely as you can) that you need more positive feedback, and that it's a serious problem. It IS possible that he will be unable to rise to whatever level of feedback you require, but that isn't something anyone here will know about either of you.

[MontanaGirl]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate the different opinions (and the empathy from ladies who have gone through this before). And ChessPiece, I'm not going to break up with my boyfriend just because the internet told me to. But it is really nice to hear that all these doubts I'm having are fair, if that makes sense.

 

I had a really, really nice time over Thanksgiving. Meeting his folks helped me understand his personality better: his communication patterns, his tendency towards moodiness/withdrawing at certain times, and what triggers those moods. Overall he was sweet, relaxed, loving, and fun. If that is who he "really" is (absent major stresses at work), he could make me incredibly happy.

 

On the way to his parents' we talked a bit about how much he criticizes me (I didn't bring it up, it just kind of came up). We still need to talk about it more, but it's a start I think. I realized that in the past with him, by the time I bring up the problem, I'm completely emotionally exhausted (and tearful). It makes the conversations less productive than I think they could be otherwise. I think having a calmer, more pointed and rational conversation about all this will help things. Or, at the very least, if it doesn't help things, I will be able to walk away knowing I gave it my best shot.

 

I know the stress at work is substantial. He's talked about quitting for about as long as I've known him, but to find another job in his field would require moving to another city. He's told me that the only reason he doesn't do that is me (I'm stuck in our city for another 1-2 years, at which point I'll have to move). He's explicitly said he plans to follow me when I move. So in a kind of ****ed up way, staying at the job that leaves him so emotionally drained that he struggles with showing he loves me...shows me that he really does love me a lot.

 

This month should be relatively relaxed for him at work, though, so I should have a chance to see what he's like without being so stressed all the time. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to be more direct about what I need, and try to show more confidence in "pouncing." If things don't improve over this month, I've resolved myself to ending things. But for now, he asked to join me on my Christmas trip (to my hometown). I'm going to let him.

[soccerrprp]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate the different opinions (and the empathy from ladies who have gone through this before). And ChessPiece, I'm not going to break up with my boyfriend just because the internet told me to. But it is really nice to hear that all these doubts I'm having are fair, if that makes sense.

 

Your feelings are certainly legit. I am comforted to hear that you are not sold on the niceties you've recently witnessed from you bf. The good AND bad you see is your bf. Don't let the stress cloud your assessment of your bf. Like someone else said, people deal with stress differently and this time it may be his job, but what happens when it's something else?

 

I had a really, really nice time over Thanksgiving. Meeting his folks helped me understand his personality better: his communication patterns, his tendency towards moodiness/withdrawing at certain times, and what triggers those moods. Overall he was sweet, relaxed, loving, and fun. If that is who he "really" is (absent major stresses at work), he could make me incredibly happy.

 

This is not a truly accurate representation of you bf. Of course he's going to be on his best behavior with family (or others) around. He's also removed from the stressors, so temporary as you know. His parents, hopefully were objective in their assessment of their son, but parents tend to "soften" things for their children. In the end, it's really about how much you are willing to accept.

 

On the way to his parents' we talked a bit about how much he criticizes me (I didn't bring it up, it just kind of came up). We still need to talk about it more, but it's a start I think. I realized that in the past with him, by the time I bring up the problem, I'm completely emotionally exhausted (and tearful). It makes the conversations less productive than I think they could be otherwise. I think having a calmer, more pointed and rational conversation about all this will help things. Or, at the very least, if it doesn't help things, I will be able to walk away knowing I gave it my best shot.

 

Good to recognize this.

 

I know the stress at work is substantial. He's talked about quitting for about as long as I've known him, but to find another job in his field would require moving to another city. He's told me that the only reason he doesn't do that is me (I'm stuck in our city for another 1-2 years, at which point I'll have to move). He's explicitly said he plans to follow me when I move. So in a kind of ****ed up way, staying at the job that leaves him so emotionally drained that he struggles with showing he loves me...shows me that he really does love me a lot.

 

This disturbs me frankly. He does not know how to handle stress? Leave it at work and not into the home life? What happens if the next job has stress? Will the job always be the excuse?

 

This month should be relatively relaxed for him at work, though, so I should have a chance to see what he's like without being so stressed all the time. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to be more direct about what I need, and try to show more confidence in "pouncing." If things don't improve over this month, I've resolved myself to ending things. But for now, he asked to join me on my Christmas trip (to my hometown). I'm going to let him.

 

WISE words. Remember he is going to be at his best while in the presence of your family, but helpful never the less.

 

I know and have known a number of ladies especially who conned themselves into thinking that things would improve, but never did. Work was blamed. Stress. One thing that men tend to do is make it seem like things are over-blown when it comes to things like this. Men give you excuses as to why they are acting like dicks, but as soon as the lady strongly challenges, the guy has the tendency to say it's overblown. Don't let this happen. Your feelings are legit.