Should I have an affair?

[jeannie74]

I'm a married 30 year old female with one child. I've been talking to this new guy at work who is 21 years old. He always complements me and has gone as far as calling me a "milf" He also told me that he has an intense sexual attraction to me. I find this very exciting since I've been with my husband for 12 years and he's pretty much the only boyfriend I've ever had. Things are okay in the marriage but this boy really turns me on. I find myself day dreaming about him all the time. We started having naughty conversations online. He tells me that he doesn't date much because he's a very sensitive guy. I do believe this because he is a cancer. My question is....I don't know if I should go ahead and take this further? I don't feel guilty at all because I have a lot of anger towards my husband. When I got pregnant 4 years ago, I gained 60 pounds. It took me 2 years to loose all the weight. During these 2 years my husband and I were not intimate. After I lost the weight he confessed that he was not attracted to me then and if I hadn't lost the weight he would have probably filed for divorce. I have tried to work through the anger and have brought up going to counseling but he tells me to just get over it. I really need help. I really do like this guy and he makes me feel so sexy and wanted all the time. I know that it would only be about sex and I'm okay with it. Any advice would truly help.

[very-confused-girl]

Jeannie, trust me, it wouldnt be JUST about sex. You gonna get emotionally involved with this guy and this is the last thing you want. Why would you make your life more complicated? You will not solve problem with your husband by sleeping around. This doesnt work. Maybe you would get some kind of self-satisfaction and you would feel like you made a revenge but it will not solve the problem.

 

You should go to counseling and you should work on your marriage as well. Try to do some things with your husband you havent tried before. Some nice things together. Start "dating" again. Bring more excitement to your sex-life. Buy yourself some sexy lingerie that really suits you. Dress up for him like a school-girl. Enjoy yourself. Try to develop in him the lust again. Once your husband starts to be turned on by you again, you will have no need to cheat on him any longer.

[blind_otter]

It's a mistake to start having an affair. It just makes things complicated. Deal with the anger you have towards your husband. If you don't want to be with him anymore, then don't. It's unfair to keep him tied to you if you don't want to be with him anymore. And it's unfair to you. You're angry at your husband, it seems like this is a convenient way to get back at him for his a$$holish behavior.

 

I mean, at the very least, be fair, and let him go have sex with someone else, too. I'm serious, not trying to be snide or anything.

[Matilda]

Should I have an affair?

No. I would say 99% of the time that is the answer to that question.

 

Do the right thing for your marriage and your daughter, and work on your marriage. Explain to your husband how bad things are for you, and how much anger you have. Tell him the 2 of you need to go to counseling because your marriage is on the rocks. Tell him that counseling is the only way you are going to "get over it."

 

If the counseling does not work, or your husband continues to refuse to work on your marriage, then get a divorce. At that point you can deal with the 21 year old. But right now you have a responsibility to your daughter, and your husband, to spend your energy trying to improve your marriage.

 

<URL removed> is a good place to start

[Grinning Maniac]

Future Threads By Jeannie:

 

"Should I Bathe With The Toaster?"

"Do I Really Have To Pay For Food After I've Eaten It?"

"Is Drain-O Not A Good Chaser For Tequila Shots?"

 

Jeannie, come on. What the hell. The obvious answer to your question is NO. Working things out with your husband is what you should do instead deluding yourself into the retarded idea that ****ing other people will make your marriage fantastic. This is not a huge problem to fix. So he wasn't as sexually attracted as before to you after you gained some weight... Where's the crime? I wouldn't be either. 60 pounds is quite a jump. Not all guys get boners for chubby chicks. But that doesn't mean he didn't still love you. Regardless, you're back to your previous weight now so things should go back to normal. Only you're holding a grudge for him not getting rock hard when you were "big & beautiful". Stop holding in all that anger and process it...in a POSITIVE WAY.

 

But let's call a spade a spade... since you're bothering to ask such a "question" in the first place, chances are you've already made up your mind to bang this other guy, and just want someone here to say it's perfectly acceptable. If that's the case, good luck but I won't be the one saying it. Work things out with your husband, alright? Counseling is definately the right answer. Not new penii in the situation. Tell him the seriousness of the situation and I'm sure he'll come around.

 

PS: By the way, Confused is right. If you're dumb enough to go ahead with this, it will NOT just be about sex in the end. Hell, it's not just about sex NOW. You want to get some payback for whatever "wrong" you feel your husband's done. In any case, if I had to count the number of times I've heard of incidences where feelings didn't become involved in an affair, ESPECIALLY on the woman's part...I wouldn't get past the fingers of one hand.

 

COUNSELING. DO IT.

[indigo_moon]

Let's see..........should you go against the vows you made to your husband, the ones where you promised to be faithful to him? NO.

 

Should you screw some young punk at work and risk losing your job should things turn ugly (he could accuse you of sexual harassment if for some reason things went bad)? NO.

 

Should you be so naive as to fall for BS sweet talk from a guy who simply thinks you're an easy lay and nothing more? NO.

 

Should you risk screwing with Junior and taking the chance that he might have a sexually transmitted disease like Hepatitis B or C or HIV or Herpes or Genital Warts or Chlamydia or Trichimonas or Syphilis or Gonorrhea (sorry, condoms are NOT 100% effective against ANY STD)? NO.

 

Should you risk sleeping with him and getting yourself knocked up? Even the Pill isn't 100% effective...........want to take the risk that it would be just your luck to get pregnant by this pup? NO.

 

Should you have more morals and self esteem and integrity than to fall for some transparent sweet talk from a horny kid who would say anything it takes to your or ANY OTHER WOMAN, all for a roll in the sack?? YES.

 

How can you even ask this? What the hell does marriage mean to you? If your husband isn't willing to go for counselling, what's stopping YOU? If you still have anger to work through, then go to counselling on your own...and work through it as opposed to skanking out with a young coworker. What kind of role model do you want to be for your daughter? Do you want her to grow up and look back and think her Mom was a skank who wasn't bright enough to know a BS line from a horny punk when she heard one?

 

If have such little self respect and self control and are willing to go against your marriage this easily, you should just divorce your husband and let him find someone who's not a ho....seriously.

[Grinning Maniac]

"Do you want her to grow up and look back and think her Mom was a skank who wasn't bright enough to know a BS line from a horny punk when she heard one?"

 

HAHAHA!

 

Man oh man...does it not say a lot about her line of thinking when she feels her marriage is perfectly fine, but she'd be guilt-free and perfectly willing to bang some kid at the office because she's holding a grudge about hubby not liking it when she was chubby. That's just too good...

 

I want her to explain that part actually.

 

Jeannie, how are you mad about your husband admitting he wasn't into you as much when you picked up the 60 lbs? What did he do wrong? He was honest! I'm sorry, but no man's going to be too happy with that situation, sexually speaking. My girlfriend has a nice body, but if tomorrow she had magically gained 60 pounds, I'll be honest with you, I'd be out of there sooner or later if the weight didn't come off. She's a great girl, and she means a lot to me, but I'm just not into the super-sizers...Sorry. Relationships without sexual attraction don't work. Period.

 

Any guy is going to be a little turned off when his woman inflates like that. It's understandable because you were pregnant, and bravo for getting the weight off. But don't get pissed off at your husband because he wasn't 100% into you sexually after that kid. Certainly don't ****ing CHEAT on the guy because of it. It's unreasonable for you to expect that nothing would change.

 

If I got into a chemical fire and ended up looking like Freddy Krueger with an afro and Timberlands, I doubt my girlfriend's panties would be getting all that soaked at the sight of me...and if I somehow pulled off a "Darkman" and fixed myself up again, then found out she was half a minute from dumping me back when I was a crispy-critter, I wouldn't be mad at all. Love may be unconditional, but you can be damned sure the same doesn't go for sexual attraction.

 

If your 21 year old loverboy was morbidly obese, you wouldn't even be on this forum...so please cut the ****. Looks matter, babydoll. Live with it, don't cheat, and be happy your husband DIDN'T leave you. Some women pop out kids, STAY fat, and expect things to be hunky-dorey.

 

 

PS: It's interesting...this is all about weight but you never mentioned any specifics. Where exactly would +60lbs put you? Just wondering.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

Some women pop out kids, STAY fat, and expect things to be hunky-dorey.

 

sure. and sometimes it is hunky-dorey, because the husband and father of the kids she "popped out" loves her for who she is and realizes it's the same person, no matter how different she looks because she had his children. not all men are that shallow. maybe many, maybe you, but certainly not all.

 

as for this thread, however---

 

jeannie--you have stated all the reasons why you would want to have an affair, but you have not justified any reason for staying in the marriage......? why stay married if this man has projected all this nastiness onto you to the point that you're miserable and angry and want to screw someone else?

 

stop looking for revenge. you are a mother and there is no time for this. stop being selfish and either get out of the marriage or work on what you have.

[Cecelius]

Holy ---! Nevergettingmarried, nevergettingmarried, never-ever-getting-married...

[Mira221]

Sure go ahead go for it!! I bet no matter what advice you get here, you're probably gonna do it anyway. You're in lust and not thinking clearly. You stated you all are already exchanging naughty conversations, you see the "affair" has already begun. It amazes me how people will come on here and ask should they have an affair? Its like you want others approval for your wrong doing. Do you think that if someone or alot of people say sure have an affair its gonna make you feel better and justify what you're doing? I don't think so.

 

BTW when I said sure go for it, I was being sarcastic. I mean its what you're looking for right? Someone to say go ahead and have an affair. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, remember theres always consequences for peoples actions and I hope if you do go through with this you're willing to face those consequences. Your best bet is to work on your marriage and get into some counseling asap. If you or your husband don't want to work on it, then get out of before having an affair with the 21 year old boytoy. Good luck to ya.

[Cecelius]

Hey, wait, I'm a cancer too. I think I am going to use this ploy myself a couple of times. Good thing I don't believe in karma...

[250r]

mira221 pretty much summed this one up for me...

 

Originally posted by Mira221

Sure go ahead go for it!! I bet no matter what advice you get here, you're probably gonna do it anyway. You're in lust and not thinking clearly. You stated you all are already exchanging naughty conversations, you see the "affair" has already begun. It amazes me how people will come on here and ask should they have an affair? Its like you want others approval for your wrong doing. Do you think that if someone or alot of people say sure have an affair its gonna make you feel better and justify what you're doing? I don't think so.

 

BTW when I said sure go for it, I was being sarcastic. I mean its what you're looking for right? Someone to say go ahead and have an affair. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, remember theres always consequences for peoples actions and I hope if you do go through with this you're willing to face those consequences. Your best bet is to work on your marriage and get into some counseling asap. If you or your husband don't want to work on it, then get out of before having an affair with the 21 year old boytoy. Good luck to ya.

[reservoirdog1]

Sure, go for it. Go ride Mr. Wonderc*ck. Knock yourself out.

 

Meanwhile, we'll book a spot for you right now for the inevitable "I cheated on my husband, I want to rebuild my marriage" post we'll no doubt see in a few months' time.

 

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by GirlDown

sure. and sometimes it is hunky-dorey, because the husband and father of the kids she "popped out" loves her for who she is and realizes it's the same person, no matter how different she looks because she had his children. not all men are that shallow. maybe many, maybe you, but certainly not all.

 

WheeeeTHANKSFORACTUALLY*READING*THEPOST!!

 

Because you know...if you had actually *read* the post, you would have seen this:

 

"Not all guys get boners for chubby chicks. But that doesn't mean he didn't still love you."

 

When are some people going to learn that love and sexual attraction are not the same thing? Especially not to men. You're kidding yourself. I may love a woman with all of my heart, she may bear my children(dont want kids, but for sake of argument), but if she gains 100 pounds and smells of rotten meat, I will naturally NOT be as sexually attracted to her as I was before that point. That is not being shallow. The idiotic notion that a healthy relationship is possible with someone who you're not at all attracted to NEEDS TO GO. Relationships are almost always sparked by sexual attraction. Do you really think it's shallow for a guy not to prefer digging past fat rolls to find your vagina?

 

I'll tell you what. If you're in a "loving" relationship, then I challenge you to start eating nothing but cheeseburgers for a year and cut down on bathing. I mean...if the person really looooves you, then they'll still be around next Christmas, right? Come on.

 

Loving someone for who they are as a person is in a completely different mental space than having a desire to **** them.

 

Happy New Year.

[Cecelius]

Maniac has a point. I also think that love is not one sided and that part of the point of marriage is that neither side draws too harsh a line on things.

 

For example, on the weight front, the husband should not be all that unhappy about it and the wife should avoid pressing the edges (and vice versa -- frankly, I know more couples where its the guy who needs to lose a few).

[jeannie74]

Thanks for all your help guys. Most of you thought that I asked the question because I wanted someone to tell me to go ahead and do it. I had actually pretty much decided that I would and wanted someone to open my eyes. I was lost in lust. The idea that a quite handsome 21 year old was attracted to me really turned me on. Reading all your responses put things into perspective. I needed to hear all those things so I can open my eyes and get back to reality. Grinning Maniac, in response to your question. I'm 5"2 and I now weight 99 pounds. My husband is really into me now but I realize that I still hold a grudge. Thanks for all your responses. They really helped.

[Adunaphel]

I'm adding another "NO, you shouldn't have an affair to the list".

 

Cut contacts with the 21 years old instead and try to work on your marriage.

 

After I lost the weight he confessed that he was not attracted to me then and if I hadn't lost the weight he would have probably filed for divorce.

 

Your husband was an **idiot** for telling you this. He should have kept his mouth shut. What good is such a stupid, hurtful, unsensitive confession????What was he thinking?????'

 

I can understand how angry you are at him (I'd be too, and I bet most women would be).

But it's not a good reason to have an affair.

 

The attention from a younger boy might make feel you better about yourself, but having an affair with him would only bring pain.

 

he tells me to just get over it.

 

He should *help* you to get over it, since he caused you to be hurt with his stupid confession.

[Grinning Maniac]

Jeannie: You're certainly welcome. Glad to hear you say this. Here's hoping that you can stay the course and do the right thing. I agree about breaking off contact with this guy from work too... Just to state the obvious.

 

Aduna: I'm torn on the confession. While I agree that it wasn't the nicest thing to say and seemingly useless if she already lost the weight, if he felt it was that important and was holding those feelings in, maybe he needed to get it out to move on. Who knows? I can understand her intially being upset, but holding a grudge accomplishes nothing. I agree that they definately need to work this out together in counseling, or at least some independent counseling for her to help her get over the anger. Hope they work it out.

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

Aduna: I'm torn on the confession. While I agree that it wasn't the nicest thing to say and seemingly useless if she already lost the weight, if he felt it was that important and was holding those feelings in, maybe he needed to get it out to move on. Who knows? I can understand her intially being upset, but holding a grudge accomplishes nothing.

 

I think it would be easier for her to let it go if his husband did something else other than telling her to get over it...

 

Also, you are right, to hold grudges is only bad for you and your partner...but it would be a difficult piece of information to swallow for most women (perhaps for some men also).

 

If I was told something like that in the same situation I would be scared to get pregnant again. I'd be scared to get old. I'd be scared that my husband would divorce me as soon as he gets bored with my looks.

I might perceive as a threat "put weight on again and I'm divorcing you".

 

If he really *needed* to get it out to move on, I can understand him though.

I wonder if he said it as a sort of an apology for not being intimate with her for two years. I hope it was more an apology(kind of) than a warning not to gain weigh again.

 

I agree that they definately need to work this out together in counseling, or at least some independent counseling for her to help her get over the anger. Hope they work it out.

 

I also hope so

[jeannie74]

I wanted to let you guys know that I've talked to my husband about me going to counseling to deal with anger issues. He told me that he really didn't want me to do that. He claims he knows couples when one or both of them went to counseling and it only made them get a divorce. He is very closed minded when it comes to counseling.

 

Adunaphel, you are very right! That confession did make me feel very scared. I'm not planning on having another child and I'm sure that it has something to do with that. I was thinking about sleeping with this young guy because I guess I'm scared that eventually my husband is going to leave me. He has made a comment that when we're 45 and our daughter goes to off to College he is going to divorce me and marry a 30 year old because guys can do that. I'm scared that this will happen and being 45 can only get me a 60 year old man. I told myself that at least knowing that I did have my fun in my thirties would make me feel better then.

 

Divorcing him now is not an option for me. I don't want to do that to my daughter. I want to give her as much of a normal life as possible. I grew up without a Dad and that has affected me in a lot of ways. Thanks for all your support. I really appreciate it.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

WheeeeTHANKSFORACTUALLY*READING*THEPOST!!

 

Because you know...if you had actually *read* the post, you would have seen this:

 

"Not all guys get boners for chubby chicks. But that doesn't mean he didn't still love you."

 

When are some people going to learn that love and sexual attraction are not the same thing? Especially not to men. You're kidding yourself. I may love a woman with all of my heart, she may bear my children(dont want kids, but for sake of argument), but if she gains 100 pounds and smells of rotten meat, I will naturally NOT be as sexually attracted to her as I was before that point. That is not being shallow. The idiotic notion that a healthy relationship is possible with someone who you're not at all attracted to NEEDS TO GO. Relationships are almost always sparked by sexual attraction. Do you really think it's shallow for a guy not to prefer digging past fat rolls to find your vagina?

 

I'll tell you what. If you're in a "loving" relationship, then I challenge you to start eating nothing but cheeseburgers for a year and cut down on bathing. I mean...if the person really looooves you, then they'll still be around next Christmas, right? Come on.

 

Loving someone for who they are as a person is in a completely different mental space than having a desire to **** them.

 

Happy New Year.

 

i did read the whole post. some of the things you said were ignorant. i was disagreeing with you, and i am sorry you didn't like it. i don't think it's necessary to be so nasty about it. you obviously didn't quite get my point, but that's fine--and it was that someone does screw the bigger girls. someone is attracted enough to screw that "super-sizer" as you call them, and that they do maintain relationships. i clarified that not all men don't do this, but that obviously means that some do. i wasn't separating love and attraction in my post, i meant for them to go together.

 

happy new year to you, too!

 

oh and, no before you ask (or tell) me: i am not a larger woman.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by GirlDown

you obviously didn't quite get my point, but that's fine--and it was that someone does screw the bigger girls. someone is attracted enough to screw that "super-sizer" as you call them, and that they do maintain relationships. i clarified that not all men don't do this, but that obviously means that some do.

 

I thought about that when I was writing the reply. But I just assumed it wasn't what you were getting at, because it didn't really add up to me. If a man already has an attraction to big women, then it wouldn't matter if his wife gained a few pounds. It's a win-win situation. I don't think his acceptance of the weight gain would be because of how much he loved her, as much as him just not having a problem with big chicks in the first place. Some guys just go for the big girls, and more power to them.

 

But if a man has never been attracted to fat women, loves his wife's body as it is, and then she gains a ton of weight...why would it make him shallow to not feel the same attraction as he used to? That's just not what turns him on. It doesn't make him a shallow person, and it doesn't have to do with any other part of the relationship except sex, but unfortunately, taking sexual satisfaction out of a relationship tends to mess things up.

 

Originally posted by GirlDown

i wasn't separating love and attraction in my post, i meant for them to go together.

 

Huh? I'm lost here. Is this a typo? That was the whole point I was making with the last post. Love and sexual attraction don't always run together. Just because a husband still loves his wife after she gets fat, doesn't mean she turns him on as much as she did when she was fit. One thing isn't dependant on the other.

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by jeannie74

I wanted to let you guys know that I've talked to my husband about me going to counseling to deal with anger issues. He told me that he really didn't want me to do that. He claims he knows couples when one or both of them went to counseling and it only made them get a divorce.

 

So this could mean that at least now he does not want to divorce you, and that the mere idea scares him?

 

Adunaphel, you are very right! That confession did make me feel very scared. I'm not planning on having another child and I'm sure that it has something to do with that.

 

If you and your husband would both like to have another child, it is very important that you voice your fears/concerns before you get pregnant again!!!

If he doesn't reassure you, you'd risk panicking during the pregnancy and after it, and your pregnancy might become a very stressful experience.

 

He has made a comment that when we're 45 and our daughter goes to off to College he is going to divorce me and marry a 30 year old because guys can do that.

 

Do you think it was "only" a tactless joke?

Please bring up this subject with him as soon as possible. Even if it was just a joke(I should hope so!!!!)it is causing you huge self esteem problems and he has to realize it.

 

Damn. What. A. Jerk. (joke or no joke)

 

At 45 there will be *plenty* of men finding you attractive. I bet you'll be able to even have a toy boy at 45 if you want to.

5' 2" and 99 lbs? You must have a great body!

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

 

 

I thought about that when I was writing the reply. But I just assumed it wasn't what you were getting at, because it didn't really add up to me.

 

 

 

Huh? I'm lost here. Is this a typo? That was the whole point I was making with the last post. Love and sexual attraction don't always run together. Just because a husband still loves his wife after she gets fat, doesn't mean she turns him on as much as she did when she was fit. One thing isn't dependant on the other.

 

no, no typos.

 

i was saying they CAN go together even though they sometimes cannot.

[k8-uk]

Jeannie,

 

How much support did your partner offer you whilst you were trying to lose the weight?

Or did he only react to your larger size by withdrawing intimacy?

 

I only ask because me and my partner discussed this kind of situation at the beginning of the relationship, and we agreed that it was fair to try and stay attractive to each other.

HOWEVER we also agreed that if one of us put on a lot of weight, we would try to help each other lose it.

 

Encourage them to get out and exercise, babysit whilst they went to the gym, not bring junk food into the home etc.

 

If this failed, then we agreed that neither of us could be sure of what would happen to the relationship.

 

Are you just pissed off because of his reaction to your weight gain, or are there other problems concerning support within your relationship?