Wife isn't happy that I hang out with friends

[theothersully]

Wow, this is pretty bad.

 

The wife is really the catalyst for all of the problems here, given what I'm reading. She is having major problems in general.

 

I wonder if she talks to her mother about them?

[dichotomy]

I am sorry to hear more about this.

 

While family time is important, separate daddy daughter times are also important from time to time. A girl or boy learns much from these one on one times with dad. The fact that she won't allow this - or support it occasionally is troubling. Also not good for your daughter to have an isolated controlling mom.

[Iguanna]

Ehm I really believe that the issue that you present here (wife doesn't want you to hang out with friends) is t he least of your problems.You say she ignores you, she even hated you once, you have to beg to have sex with her, she mentioned divorce. These are your true problems for now. See, I can't understand the audacity of some women, you work hard to bring money home and not only is she not grateful but she tries to cut off your little time of fun you have monthly. I don't know how much you love your wife and what sacrifices you are willing to make to be around your daughter, but I think you should make a HUGE conversation with your wife and expect some answers. I guess you were in love once upon a time so you should try and find what has happened in the meanwhile. If she doesn't want to cooperate, I see no other solution than to bring divorce on the table and see how she reacts. With you working at home 3 out of 4 weeks I don't see why a court won't allow you to have the kid half of the month at least.

 

Between us, I believe she is having an affair, that's why she doesn't want you around and she mentioned divorce once, but I can't be sure. How about hiring a private investigator and finding out about this matter? This would be the first step I would take. If she is clear with this, then you can try to work things out.

[Balzac]

I've often made note of the dearth of community dervice or other interests mentioned in these situations. I find that a basic component of adult life. I cannot imagine how 6 hours or even 8 on a loosely called monthly occurrence could threaten a marriage. It astounds me.

 

 

 

It's always interesting to read LS stories.

[ctxinfl]

I don't think she's cheated on me. I accused her of it once, more-or-less. I didn't really think she was, though I was angry and frustrated. The situation was that she decided to spend the night at her friend's house (ex friend now). Normally I wouldn't care, though this was after years of her telling me I had to be home by x hour. And after I've listened to her tell me multiple times that she didn't trust me. (When pushed on this she'd always say it wasn't me specifically that she doesn't trust, just people in general.)

 

And the timing was suspicious. Her friend and husband, and brother-in-law, came to our house for breakfast one morning. The brother-in-law is much younger than I am and was showing off. It isn't difficult to spot when a guy is flirting/showing off. So a few days later she tells me she is going to hang out with her friend. And that she's going to spend the night. At this point I should mention that the brother who was flirting lives in the same house as her friend. So I didn't handle that well. I didn't really say too much, though I made some veiled references to what I thought was going on at one point stating something to the affect of, "Now you know how I feel when you tell me you don't trust me."

 

I don't think she cheated on me, though I never took steps to find out either. She told me nothing is going on and I left it at that. I don't think she's that kind of person, though I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it.

[Iguanna]

So you see yourself there are more serious stuff you have to deal with in your marriage than going to your friends.

[Balzac]

What motivated you to Marry her? I'm not sure you've told us how long you've been together.

 

Was her family of origin comprised of social slugs? I recognize that reservists are a diverse population and money isn't always the bottom line but what's her motivation?

Other than your daughter, what possibly attracts you to return home! Buddies I get. Down time I get. A miserable, whining, threatening slug - ouch. Never initiates-that's a long laundry list. Your job isn't being gone for weeks at a time or likely international travel / what's her gripe? What was her career?

[ctxinfl]

We've been together for about 17 years and married for 11 of those. We dated for a long time, though waited until we were done with school and in a career before marrying.

 

She was a different person then. We'd hang out, like friends. We'd play basketball, tennis, see a lot of movies. We just seemed to have more in common.

 

Her family is good. I get along with her parents well. I invite her parents over for cook outs and to watch football. Her dad I will go to football games together on rare occasions. I don't care much for one of her sisters, though that's only due to her being manipulative and trying to take advantage of my wife being a stay at home mom expecting my wife to also watch her kids.

 

I'm not sure what motivated her to join the reserves. It was something she always talked about doing eventually signing up after she finished school. I don't mind it. It gives her something to do, brings in a few extra bucks, and in six or seven years she'll have 20 years in.

 

She worked commercial insurance. She has a degree and held several insurance licenses, though she hated the job. Now when she talks about going back to work she only wants to do something with no responsibility. She's mentioned becoming a receptionist. Doesn't bother me. We don't need the money, so I'm not too concerned about what she does so long as she's doing something to occupy her time and mind.

[Balzac]

Long history. Must have been driven into the ditch after parenthood?

 

You don't sound that miserable. Just want to have some guy friend time.

I gotta say - I couldn't do it but that's not about me.

 

You don't come across as being that interested in divorce.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

After the second divorce threat when she called me crying and apologizing she stated that she never pictured herself as a stay at home mom. Until our kid arrived she was a career woman. She worked hard never missing a day of work, so going from that to staying at home all day was jarring. I should also mention that staying at home is her choice. I'd rather her have a job, not so much for finances as it would occupy her time. So she's not a homemaker at all. She wasn't before we had our kid and in six years of playing the role of one she hasn't changed.

 

I wouldn't say she is controlling. She is definitely controlling when it comes to our daughter, though not with much else. I'm not allowed much say when it comes to her.

 

We are both in our late 30s. She isn't obese and not lethargic. She does some exercise, though her diet isn't good. She doesn't eat too much, just not very healthy. She isn't affectionate. She used to be more so than she is today. That was one of the areas I really tried to improve on after she first asked for a divorce, so I give her random little kisses, hugs, massage her feet, etc. Though for the past year or so she's started to pull away more whenever I try to embrace her and has stated a few times that it isn't me, but that she just doesn't like being touched. It hasn't always been this way.

 

I am certainly not a priority; I don't know if I even crack the top three. Our daughter is her first priority to the point that she allows our daughter to occupy 100% of her time. For a long time she wouldn't even answer the phone when I'd call. She'd reply to texts, though not answer a call. Neither of us particularly like talking on the phone, though I liked to call every few nights so I could tell her and our daughter good night. After the second divorce demand I brought this up pointing out that she won't even talk to me for two minutes on the phone, yet I could go through her phone log and find at least one call every day to her mom or sister lasting 10 - 15 minutes.

 

At least two other people, including her sister, have pointed out that she emasculates me.

 

Beach:

 

Wife is from the U.S. She will cook a meal perhaps once every three months, though even then it is a one dish meal. Otherwise her cooking consists of putting frozen chicken nuggets in the oven.

 

I'm not gay. Hanging out with friends doesn't make one gay I don't believe. I've known some of these guys for 20+ years. I have a brother, though I never grew up with him. I didn't even know I had a brother until I was 12, so several of my friends are like my brothers. My wife knows them all too and gets along with all of them. They all hold down good jobs and are responsible people with families of their own. I make it a point to never hang out with people who are negative influences. I firmly believe you are who you hang out with.

 

Nyla:

 

One thing my wife said yesterday is that she's stuck at home all day while I get to leave the house and go places while working, so I do think she resents me some. She doesn't like being at home all day while I get to leave the house (for work). I've tried a few times to prod her in to some sort of regular part time job. I even lined her up for a good work from home job with the same company I work for, though she didn't want to invest the time to learning the job.

 

daisy:

 

She complains about being tired all the time. She's usually in bed by 7 or 8 PM, though she rarely sleeps the night through as she still allows our daughter (6 years old) to get her up at night. When I'm not home our daughter sleeps in our bed. I've considered that perhaps she has some sort of deficiency in her diet (iron maybe) contributing to her being tired all of the time. I'll suggest a physical. Counseling is a must. We've tried to work through this on our own and are getting nowhere.

 

dichotomy:

 

As I say, I don't spend time with friends if I've been gone for the week, so I don't come home on Friday and then take off to hang out on Saturday. The only time I hang out is if I've been home all week. And when I'm home for the week I am in the house all week. No office to report to. So I see my wife and kid all day during those weeks. Only then will I hang out on Saturday.

 

For a while I tried pushing the issue of me taking our daughter out alone (to the park, movie, shopping, etc) giving my wife some needed space and free time, though she would always butt in insisting that she come. We argued multiple times about this as well. She said we needed to do everything as a family while I said I wanted some time alone with our daughter and also wanted to give my wife a needed break. The arguments were often pretty bad, so I've quit doing this altogether, which probably isn't the best response either.

 

I've tried having my friends over. In the last 3.5 years they've been over four times, two of those times when my wife was out of town for the weekend (so no intruding on her space). She hates my friends being at our house.

 

Thank you all. I appreciate the responses as it allows me to better think through this.

 

You my friend have a selfish wife who will not do anything to improve herself but rather take you down to the level where she is.

 

Your not allowed to have any say when it comes to your daughter? Hey friend, a bit of advice. You want your daughter to be a carbon copy of your wife? Keep allowing your wife to do what she's doing and your going to have even a bigger problem.

 

Seems to me that she would rather roll around in the self pity mud puddle and drag you and your daughter in with her rather than help herself. She needs help. You know it but you cant put a gun to her head and force her. If she chooses to be a lost cause, then that's her problem but you are a father and you cannot allow her to do the same thing to your kid. Children follow by example and the example your wife is giving is a potential disaster so you better step up to the plate when it comes to your daughter and if you see something going on that you don't like, you damn well better put a stop to it.

 

As far as your wife goes, IMO I would give her a big time wake up call and tell her that she either gets her act in gear by going to a doctor and getting her head screwed back on right, start acting like a wife and if she's going to be a SAHM/SAHW, then start acting like one or you bring the hammer down and file for divorce.

 

If she starts crying and pleading, let her know that we already went down that road before and she did nothing to help herself or the situation and let her know that the only way you will consider taking divorce off the table is by your wife getting the help she desperately needs and stick with it. If she complies then you can always call the divorce off and for God sake start getting involved in the upbringing of your kid. You not only have a right and an opinion to do so but a obligation as a father.

[ctxinfl]

That's the root of it. Everything changed when our daughter was born. A lot of change is natural, though I didn't expect our marriage to take such a backseat.

 

I'm not interested in a divorce, though at this point if it happens it happens. I won't fight it.

[beach]

Are you willing to do individual counseling if she won't go?

 

Are you willing to ask her to go out with you once a week even if she continues to say no? (This would require getting a babysitter)

 

 

 

Have you ever cheated on her?

[ctxinfl]

I've never thought about individual counseling, though I'd do it.

 

I'll continue to ask her for date nights too. We have people who can babysit. Mother in law lives about a mile from us and is more than willing to watch our daughter. It's just getting my wife to go along.

[Iguanna]

I have two really strong concerns: 1. I can't imagine how the kid will turn out having a mother with her being the only interest, interfering with every aspect of her life and not letting her breathe. 2. I can't imagine how the mother will survive after her daughter grows up and eventually leaves the parents house.

 

One thing is for sure: they will both suffer deeply.

[Balzac]

 

I'll continue to ask her for date nights too. We have people who can babysit. Mother in law lives about a mile from us and is more than willing to watch our daughter. It's just getting my wife to go along.

 

That's on her. It's a very loud message to refuse. Not behavior that should be ignored.

[SoleMate]

My recommendations, if you want to have a happy and lasting marriage:

 

* Marriage Builders

* Policy of Joint Agreement

* 15-20 hours of 1:1 time with your wife per week, as that is what is required to rebuild a r/s

* Put your wife first

* Get her evaluated for depression

* Stop justifying your behavior

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Tell your wife I have been a receptionist and I have had a hell of a lot of responsibility at the places of employment where I worked as one.

 

Cooking and cleaning is not rocket science. Crock pots are great inventions. You don't have to be a gourmet cook.

[ctxinfl]

My recommendations, if you want to have a happy and lasting marriage:

 

* Marriage Builders

* Policy of Joint Agreement

* 15-20 hours of 1:1 time with your wife per week, as that is what is required to rebuild a r/s

* Put your wife first

* Get her evaluated for depression

* Stop justifying your behavior

 

What behavior am I justifying?

[beach]

Do you spend 15 hours of one on one time every week with your wife?

 

Has she been evaluated for depression?

 

Do you make decisions TOGETHER or separately?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't even need to waste my time reading any other page than the first on this one...it's pretty straight-forward.

 

This woman sounds unhappy with herself and her life, likely wants something to change but not knowing exactly how or what to do...therefore since you are married she takes it out on the nearest and only target...her husband.

 

My only concern is how often you are traveling and at work, that seems like a tough way to operate any relationship, otherwise you doing things with your personal time is reasonable, it's good you have a variety and instead just stay at home with your miserable self-loathing wife that probably wants to do absolutely nothing to change....kind of like people who want to lose weight but don't want to diet or exercise.

 

You need to get out of this marriage, she'll just drag you down and force her to get up and do something for a change, she's dependent on you and also directing her discontent on you as well.

 

I honestly don't think thing you can realistically do anything to change this, she has to want to changer herself and her own life and until then I think her misery will be channeled towards you...and then they blame men for cheating, ha! But I wouldn't do that either, this sounds like a woman who would take you for everything she could if you did get divorced so she doesn't have to work.

[bubbaganoosh]

My recommendations, if you want to have a happy and lasting marriage:

 

* Marriage Builders

* Policy of Joint Agreement

* 15-20 hours of 1:1 time with your wife per week, as that is what is required to rebuild a r/s

* Put your wife first

* Get her evaluated for depression

* Stop justifying your behavior

 

Maybe you should re read his entire thread. He's tried to get her help, she makes excuses. He asks he to go out, and she won't go. She goes to bed at 8PM so where is he supposed to take her when her bed time is that early.

 

I agree to getting her help with depression but she has to want to. He can't put a knife to her throat and force her but he sure as hell can put a lawyer in her face and maybe it would wake her up.

[John-Dough]

I'm trying to understand it. I'm always the one who initiates trying to find out what the problem is, so I'm trying. And I guess I know what the problem is. She's been doing this for years. She started when we first starting dating years ago. I'd hang out with my friends, which upset her. She even accused me of being gay.

 

When we married I cut back on how often I hung out with my friends. When we had a kid I cut back even more. I don't think she'll be happy until I cut out all friends and non-family interests. And I just don't think it's fair to ask that of a spouse. I've never asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys and I encourage her to find more things to do.

 

I've read your posts and see a lot of similarities on how my marriage developed over the years. I am older than you and further along in my marriage. We don't have any kids and never did, but the pattern is pretty much the same.

 

1) 'She started when we first starting dating years ago. I'd hang out with my friends, which upset her. She even accused me of being gay.' - yes, my wife did this too - both before and during our marriage - I guess this is supposed to be the ultimate slam on your manhood.

 

2) You mentioned not much sex and she never initiates - Also true. When it became apparent for whatever reason that we weren't going to be able to have a kid, sex ceased all together. In the entire duration of our marriage, over 20 years, she has not initiated sex once. And now, we haven't had sex in over a decade.

 

3) Bringing up the D word - This too. My wife has over the years brought this up on numerous occasions. At first, I took it seriously. Later I learned it was an idle threat. Last time, was about a year and 1/2 ago. In that situation, I was very agreeable on the idea, but then she immediately backed down.

 

4) You mentioned that your wife does not have many friends, hobbies or interests - my wife pretty much gave all that up after we were married. She had friends that tried to contact her and get together, but she never would.

 

In my opinion, your situation is going to get worse over the years. It comes on gradually and you don't notice all the issues because you are so busy trying to make a living and just get through life. About six years ago, my wife stopped driving. So, she goes no where without me. She won't go anywhere unless it is to visit family. She is totally dependent on me. It is a very bad situation that I am trying to figure out. I really don't want to live out the rest of my life this way.

 

My wife really needs professional assistance - but she would never do that. So, it's left to me to figure it out.

 

My advice to you would be to deal with this now. It is only going to get worse. I wish I would have taken action when I was younger, before she became so dependent on me. Now, I feel like, she could never make it on her own. If you have any questions, just ask - because I have been down your path.

Edited December 9, 2013 by John-Dough

[bwright42tx]

I've read your posts and see a lot of similarities on how my marriage developed over the years. I am older than you and further along in my marriage. We don't have any kids and never did, but the pattern is pretty much the same.

 

1) 'She started when we first starting dating years ago. I'd hang out with my friends, which upset her. She even accused me of being gay.' - yes, my wife did this too - both before and during our marriage - I guess this is supposed to be the ultimate slam on your manhood.

 

Never got accused of being Gay, but definitely had issues early on with me spending too much time with my friends and her resenting this. Especially as a stay at home mom.

 

2) You mentioned not much sex and she never initiates - Also true. When it became apparent for whatever reason that we weren't going to be able to have a kid, sex ceased all together. In the entire duration of our marriage, over 20 years, she has not initiated sex once. And now, we haven't had sex in over a decade.

 

Our sex life has had it's ups and downs, even now my wife rarely initiates (a couple of times a year), but she does let me know she wants me to initiate if she's feeling neglected. My sex drive is higher than hers, so I'm almost always initiating. But once in a great while she'll drop a hint or two if she's in the mood and I've gone a few days without initiating. However we went rough some rough spells where the best I could hope for was once or twice a month.

 

3) Bringing up the D word - This too. My wife has over the years brought this up on numerous occasions. At first, I took it seriously. Later I learned it was an idle threat. Last time, was about a year and 1/2 ago. In that situation, I was very agreeable on the idea, but then she immediately backed down.

 

My wife engaged in two EA's, probably at the peak of our "problems" that were more her "problems" but I do share some of the blame for our marital issues. During both of these at one point she told me she wanted a divorce. However she quickly realized that wasn't what she really wanted. The grass wasn't greener on the other side.

 

4) You mentioned that your wife does not have many friends, hobbies or interests - my wife pretty much gave all that up after we were married. She had friends that tried to contact her and get together, but she never would.

 

In my opinion, your situation is going to get worse over the years. It comes on gradually and you don't notice all the issues because you are so busy trying to make a living and just get through life. About six years ago, my wife stopped driving. So, she goes no where without me. She won't go anywhere unless it is to visit family. She is totally dependent on me. It is a very bad situation that I am trying to figure out. I really don't want to live out the rest of my life this way.

 

This was the crux of our problems and was really the problem behind all of the other issues above. We were living in a college town near my wife's family and friends but chose to move back to my hometown because job Prospects were better and we had a baby to support now. This moved her away from everyone she knew. My wife doesn't drive (never has) so she was alone all day taking care of kids #1 and then kid #2 came along. She felt increasingly isolated (but never conveyed this very well to me), had no friends down here. I went to work and school 6 days a week, came home and tried to help around the house and find time for "US" but it was hard, and she was desperate for adult contact. She spent hours a day on the phone with her mother, and kept somewhat in contact with her friends from out of state, but still felt "trapped" in the apartment and then the house everyday.

 

It started getting better when the kids started school. She threw herself into volunteering at the school, which gave her some time everyday to be around adults and have adult conversation. Things started to get better for us as her social circle expanded with acquaintances from volunteering at the school. However she still felt partially trapped, and still didn't have much of an outlet.

 

When our daughter started Girl Scouts and our son started Cub Scouts, things got better as we started hanging around with new adults. Her social circle widened even more and she got a variety of differing adult interactions.

 

Through Girl Scouts she met the person who is now her best friend. This is when things really got better for us. They really started getting along well, and started going out for weekly "girl's days," where they go out to lunch and generally hang out together all day. I pick her up from this friends house on my way home from work now.

 

My wife really needs professional assistance - but she would never do that. So, it's left to me to figure it out.

My wife struggles with depression issues, it's difficult to get her out of the house sometimes (except for her weekly girls day), but once I get her out she almost always has a great time. We've discussed this in detail, she thinks she may need/could use some professional help, but she worried about it too, and with a good social circle, friends of her own, and our own "couples friends" she isn't as motivated about getting help as everything has been slowly and steadily getting better for years.

 

My advice to you would be to deal with this now. It is only going to get worse. I wish I would have taken action when I was younger, before she became so dependent on me. Now, I feel like, she could never make it on her own. If you have any questions, just ask - because I have been down your path.

 

My

 

Wow! I can feel for you. I went through some similar stuff over the years of my marriage, though not as bad or extreme. I've bolded my responses above.

 

My Advice to the OP and to you would be to help your wife find friends and encourage her to spend some time with those friends. OP, maybe have her invite some friends over to the house for a "girl's night" while you take care of your daughter in the other room. Also, encourage her to volunteer at your Daughter's school if appropriate. She definitely sounds like she needs some social interaction with adults outside the home.

 

Also, as you said she doesn't like your friends coming over, but she does like and get's along with your friends. My wife was just like this. She wouldn't want anyone to come over. It was easier to get her out of the house than to get her to let people into the house. She felt like whatever she did homemaker wise was not adequate, and she thought people would immediately see that inadequacy if they came over. Maybe she could go with you to your friends house to play games, and bring your daughter along if any of them have kids of about the same age?

[Lauriebell82]

I'm one of those wives who isn't a big fan of the "guy nights." My husband and his friends do the same things you do, sit around and play card games, ect. Maybe I'm jealous. I don't know.

 

 

Anyway, it sounds like a big problem is that your wife doesn't have a life for herself outside of your daughter. She needs to get some friends, or do something for herself. Do you ever offer to watch your daughter so that she can have some time to do something that SHE wants to do? She may be feeling resentful that you get time with your friends while she is left with nothing.

[ctxinfl]

So it's been a bit since I've posted in this thread. Things have been going pretty well. I've been home for about a month, so I've spent a lot of time with the family.

 

Last night my wife asked me to install a program on her Kindle so she could read a .pdf. While installing the .pdf reader I found a bunch of lesbian erotica on her Kindle. I didn't think it was a big deal. Kind of funny really (or maybe that was just denial).

 

I went most of the day without a second thought, though I started to think about everything she's said to me the last year or so. I began to wonder how far this has gone, so I did maybe the wrong thing by snooping in on her email. And I found a reply to an advertisement she posted on craigslist. For a bi encounter.

 

I don't know how long this has been going on. She deletes all texts on her phone, so I don't have anything to look at there. She deletes all of her sent email and just about everything else, so not much there. She had the reply to her ad tucked away in a sub folder.

 

I have no idea what to do. I have to talk to her and it has to be soon. But if I talk to her she'll know I went poking around her email.