marie000 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 (edited) recently my boyfriend broke up with me he said he isnt happy with himself which i believe because since we started dating i knew that and his mother told me he has always been unhappy with himself and he takes things pretty hard. hes delicate pretty much. now he said it was for that reason and he feels different that he doesnt want to be with me right now that he has tried to force himself in his head to change it but he cant so he said that i need to leave back to CA . he said he stills loves me more than anything , i asked him if lets say a couple months from now we feel like he has had time to think and address some of his problems if we would get back together he said yes that he can still see us together just not right now. he says i make him happy no matter what , the whole time we are talking he is crying so much that he can barely talk . for a month now he has broken it off then changing his mind seconds later and says that its just too hard to let me go that he doesnt want me to go but that i have to. we both love each other more than anything , we are very close im pretty sre im the only person he is fully comfortable with and can trust. he told me it hurts him so much that hes so sorry for doing this to us and that if he can flip a switch and change it then he would. i know he has issues and i know that when he tried to fix everything in his head it just turns into a big mess, he needs help to fix those issues but thats one thing he wont tell me or anyone. when we talk about this stuff the answer that comes up alot is IDK . he syas he doesnt know why he feels this way or why it happend he doesnt know how to change it. even now until im gone he holds me kisses me tells me he loves me hes very loving and caring with me even after he ended it last night he held me all night trying to help me feel better. weve been together 2 yrs and i dont want it to stop now, i know for a fact he loves me if he didnt i wouldve left long ago , hes my person and im his. the only thing is we dont have sex and rarely do for the past month maybe a tiny bit more weve tried but it just doesnt work i think because of my wight gain which im working on. he still thinks im beautiful and makes sure i know it, the sex part might be about my largeness maybe not who knows but i understand if it was my weight i would feel the same way too. i offered to help him figure it out with out judging him , i offered counseling, i asked him if we can actually try together and not just him in his mind and he doest want to he said i have until i leave to try but i leave in 2 weeks and idk if thats even time to show him that him letting me go isnt a good idea :/ he is my love and he tells me constantly that i am his. what could i do i dont want to give up on him or us i know theres a way to fix it and we just dont know how. i mean there are couple in way worse situations than us and they can make it so why not us. please help me i want to help us and help him please what should i do ? i dont want to give up i want to fight for us because i see something in us and so does he its just a really tough time and those problems and something in him is in the way. please i dont want to lose him forever or even for a long time he says im not losing him forever or for a long time and that hes going to keep in contact with me all the time because it doesnt want it to be forver what should i do Edited November 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I was in pretty much your exact same position 10 months ago...my only advice to you is that you need to allow him space to work on himself and at the same time you need to work on yourself. Honestly? Someone can't grow as a person unless they take time apart on their own away from their ex, and sometimes they may have to date others in order to fully evolve as a person and figure out what they truly want. This whole process doesn't happen in 2 months...this can take awhile (like I said I am 10 months into my breakup and we are both dating others now) In situations like what you are in, the best opportunity for a second chance is to take a long time (over a year at times) and really do your own thing, and if you two come across each other in the future and you start a NEW relationship, you don't get back together. Wish you the best, it does get easier as the months go by trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 I know it gets easier but i cant let go its sovhard to let go when i see the chance and so does he but hes so into the idk that its not helping..it feels like he wants to try and fix it but for some reasin he wont . I really hope he changes his mind but right nownidk if he will Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 I love him too much too give up on us i cant fight he urge of wanting to fight i know we have somethig and says he knows it too but wtf is stoppin him Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I know it gets easier but i cant let go its sovhard to let go when i see the chance and so does he but hes so into the idk that its not helping..it feels like he wants to try and fix it but for some reasin he wont . I really hope he changes his mind but right nownidk if he will Literally I said the EXACT same thing as early as last month. You have to come to a point where you accept the fact that giving up on it working out now gives you a better chance of it working out in the future. The more you push for it to work out now, the further you will push him away. I found out that my ex was on and off depressed and on and off wanting to call me and work things out for 8 months after our break up! He is currently in a relationship with another girl, whether that is a rebound or not I'm not sure but at this point there is no point of dwelling on that or him. We ran into eachother 5 months ago and we talked about how we both needed time apart to grow and maybe one day in the future we will be back with eachother. We acknowledged that we might have to be with others in order to gain experience and understand what we truly want in the end. You HAVE to give him as well as yourself the opportunity to grow and experience more in order to realize how much you truly love each other, or that you can live without each other. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 He either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. Don't make the mistake of letting his indecisiveness or wanting another chance down the road give you hope. Move on from him. My ex broke up with me 7 months ago. For months, he would say he wanted it to work out, he wasn't totally sure, maybe with some time. Don't believe a word of it. They are either in or out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 He either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. Don't make the mistake of letting his indecisiveness or wanting another chance down the road give you hope. Move on from him. My ex broke up with me 7 months ago. For months, he would say he wanted it to work out, he wasn't totally sure, maybe with some time. Don't believe a word of it. They are either in or out. I agree that they are either in or out NOW. Sometimes it truly is bad timing. HOWEVER even if that small hope is still there you shouldn't rely on it to be there in the future. Move on and do you. If your paths come across in the future, go with it then. For now move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 Yeah ivknow that .. im scared of him moving on he says he doesnt want to see anyone else but u never know. Mine is depressed too he doest admit but hes been this way since he was 5 he says if he fixes some or more of his problems that we be together the problem i have with that is he doesnt know how to help himself hes been trying to fix this issue with himself for years and he wont get help , he told me that he almost took his life once and im afraid he will get so low into thay point again. I love him more than anything he loves me just as much idk if its because my appearance has changed ALOT or if his issues are just taking over. He seems to be very hapoy with me he loves being around me and spending time with me so i cant fully grasp ithat he wants tp end this for a while or forever its hard to believe it because he still acts the same with me like if we are together . I usually have no problem walking away and this just iant the case Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Yeah ivknow that .. im scared of him moving on he says he doesnt want to see anyone else but u never know. Mine is depressed too he doest admit but hes been this way since he was 5 he says if he fixes some or more of his problems that we be together the problem i have with that is he doesnt know how to help himself hes been trying to fix this issue with himself for years and he wont get help , he told me that he almost took his life once and im afraid he will get so low into thay point again. I love him more than anything he loves me just as much idk if its because my appearance has changed ALOT or if his issues are just taking over. He seems to be very hapoy with me he loves being around me and spending time with me so i cant fully grasp ithat he wants tp end this for a while or forever its hard to believe it because he still acts the same with me like if we are together . I usually have no problem walking away and this just iant the case The only thing I can reiterate is to move on for the sake of yourself as well as him. The saying "when you love someone you let them go and if its meant to be theyll come back" is so cliche but it's true. A lot of people on here are dumpees who have been hurt and may look at things in a more negative way. I have been hurt too but I try and look at things in a more positive way, especially since I have been in your exact position and am still in it. Move on for the both of you, work on yourself, experience other things and other people, and see what the future holds. That is the best chance you give yourselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 Right now he says he hasnt made up his mind yet he wanta to see how things are for these 2 weeks and he doesnt want to give uo just yet Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 He wants to make sure you are there waiting in case he decides to go back on his decision. But if he meets anyone else, or decides that he'd rather be single, you will not be a priority. He will either fade away from you or just keep on you the hook while he does what he wants. Do not contact him and do not wait around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutualove Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Tell him you can't wait,you have plans for the future and you're investing time and effort into it so you have to know NOW.He'll probably say I don't know and seem to not have any explanations or answers himself.Then probably says let's be friends and you tell him no can't be normal friends.And go NC from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
r321148 Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 The way you write it sounds like he is suffering depression. Maybe not but from what you've written it sounds a lot like it. Felling down all the time despite not knowing why and pushing away those closest are clear signs. Maybe try to convince him to go see someone to get a proper diagnosis? This situation isn't an easy one. I have suffered with depression in the past and it's really hard. You end up so self destructive. It's frustrating and you do end up alienating people close to you. Often you honestly feel you're doing right by them by pushing them away as you feel you're no good for them. It sucks but that's for him to deal with. He needs to work on those issues himself (with a counsellor if necessary) and get himself to a better place. I don't think you should wait for him as who knows how long it'll take for him to sort himself out and if/when he does who's to say that there wasn't another reason as well and it won't work anyway? If and when he's ready he will contact you. One thing is for certain and that is that you shouldn't be in a relationship right now as it's not doing either of you any good. I completely agree with Tryingtofigureitout. I think you should work on yourself. Move on with your life and if you come together in the future when he's in a better place then that's just how it was meant to be. You can't put your life on hold for him and if he's anything like me then he wouldn't expect you to. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 He wants to make sure you are there waiting in case he decides to go back on his decision. But if he meets anyone else, or decides that he'd rather be single, you will not be a priority. He will either fade away from you or just keep on you the hook while he does what he wants. Do not contact him and do not wait around. I think this is quite probable- but he may be a confused man as well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 He's had this problem his whole life? Sounds like a personality disorder like maybe Avoidant. I think it's awesome he has the awareness that he isn't good for you right now. He really needs this time to try and make sense of all this. He may need Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I think he really loves you but is scared of the confusion in his head. Look into AvPD and then proper treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 I think this is quite probable- but he may be a confused man as well? This is most likely the case, and he may not even be doing it on purpose, so to speak. I doubt he's diabolically plotting this, but people don't always want to understand their motives. Stick to the facts. He's not committing. I used to think my ex was such a nice guy and would never knowingly keep the door open just for his own benefit. It's probably more that he keeps it open for his benefit, but he feels that you are okay with the situation as is. You have communicated that you are okay with a pseudo-relationship, so he's off the hook. He thinks he is being up front with you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 I think this is quite probable- but he may be a confused man as well? I also want to add that confusion is a really bad trait in a potential partner. It really has more to do with them than with you. You spend an awful lot of time thinking that if you could just do one more thing to reassure them, then they would commit. Maybe if you were just a little different, they wouldn't be so confused anymore. However, it isn't about you. I know it's hard, but you need to just move on from this. It won't end well. Link to post Share on other sites
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 (edited) Harsh crowd. What he has (most likely) is a mental illness that will not go away on it's own. It affects how he perceives the world and interacts with it. Depression is a symptom of several personality disorders, so don't let them stop with a simple depression diagnosis. The only way for this to get better is for him to get the diagnosis and commit to the therapy. If he does that, there is hope. If he doesn't, then it's time to say good-bye. Edited November 27, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 He does suffer feom depression its not noticable unless you really know him and i know he is . He wot go see a counselor or a shrink because he doesnt think itll work and says he doesnt like it. His whole family has ine mental issue or another so ivwouldnt somethig wring with him but he needs help and so far im he only one he has opened up to at least more than he would with his own family . His family keeps telling me to stay and not leave because they know he loves me and hes just havig problems and that him being alone wouldnt be the best idea. Im working i mysekf as we speak and i believe im doig good , we went for a jog this kornig because i need to get back in shape and he went with me. He seems hapoy hecame home from work yesterday sayig he missed me alk day and couldnt stop thjnkig about me , then asked to be spoiled and attacked in kisses and snuggles . Then he saidnhes not ready to give up yet tand he wants to see how we are in these 2 weeks and i saidni wasnt leavig or givig up in him or us becauseni beoieve we ca make it and our actual problems are very small but his issues are what i want to help him with and helo him get through it and he said okay and he loves me more than anythig then showered me with hugs and kisses ? His depression seems more of the problem andnhe knows he needs meds so his ADD plus depression i think is the issues here not us Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 I think this is quite probable- but he may be a confused man as well? If he's confused, he's not committed. Enabling wishy-washiness is never a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marie000 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 Ughh ..well i guess ill have to see and wait on what he decides next week..thank u all Link to post Share on other sites
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