Why isn't my boyfriend telling his ex-girlfriend about me?

[greenfairie]

I've been with my boyfriend for a while now, I'm madly in love with him but I suspect he's still in love with his ex girlfriend.

My boyfriend doesn't want to tell his ex-girlfriend about me. They were together for about a few years, lived together, they were each other's firsts.

We got together right after they broke things off and we share a lot of mutual friends. She asked him once if he was seeing me (we used to be best friends) and he wouldnt say. She told him she just felt really weird about the situation, us being so close at one point in our lives, and how she couldn't be around us. She stopped going to a lot of the parties/kickbacks we all used to go together to…. I feel like I lost my best friend. I sacrificed my best friend for a guy that might not even want a forever thing with me but he gave me a ring?

She's been going through pain with the breakup, so would that be a reason why my boyfriend refuses to tell her or does my boyfriend have feelings for her?

[crederer]

How old are you guys?

 

You're former best friends with his ex? He doesn't want to make it public? This has bad news all over it.

[greenfairie]

How old are you guys?

 

You're former best friends with his ex? He doesn't want to make it public? This has bad news all over it.

 

I'm 21. She's 21 too, yes we were best friends since we were babies. The boyfriend is a couple of years older. Nope, he doesn't want to make anything public. How does this have bad news all over it?

[crederer]

I think that's pretty self explainitory, no? There's no good reason he'd want to keep it quiet. It's also kind of a weak thing for you to date your best friends ex (especially considering she's angry enough about it to cut friendship with you).

 

I just can't see this working out positively for you, is what I'm saying.

 

It seems that he still has feeling for her. I think the best choice for you right now is to end the relationship and hope that your friend sees it as an act of remourse.

[greenfairie]

I think that's pretty self explainitory, no? There's no good reason he'd want to keep it quiet. It's also kind of a weak thing for you to date your best friends ex (especially considering she's angry enough about it to cut friendship with you).

 

I just can't see this working out positively for you, is what I'm saying.

 

 

I still don't understand. How is that a weak thing for me to date my best friends ex? He told me that he's always liked me since he's dated his ex. He made the move first. Plus we have not been talking for a few months when it happened and I kind of assumed she didn't care anymore or was too busy to care about our friendship.

Edited November 27, 2013 by greenfairie

[crederer]

It's a weak move towards your friend, not towards the guy. It's just a shady thing to do.

[greenfairie]

It's a weak move towards your friend, not towards the guy. It's just a shady thing to do.

 

Yeah, I agree but we haven't talked. I ran into her and she literally just said hi and walked away. She did confront me about this a while ago and she asked me if it was true but I kept on denying it and lying about it. She still didn't believe me but didn't act angry. She just stayed calm like she can be a good actor. I don't get why she won't just talk to me.

[crederer]

She doesn't want to talk to you cause you "stole" the man she loves. If you were in her position you'd probably feel the same.

[greenfairie]

She doesn't want to talk to you cause you "stole" the man she loves. If you were in her position you'd probably feel the same.

 

I can't really imagine….

I wonder when she will just get over this and rekindle our friendship. Is there any hope of our friendship being gained back? We grew up together, we have so much history.

[MoroccoMole]

Considering the way you guys got together it may come off as shady, but in my experience, I personally think it's about having respect for your ex. The first time I broke things off with a girl then got with someone relatively soon after, I didn't want her finding out out of respect and I didn't want to seem like an even bigger ass**** since I ended our relationship. If they were together for a few years and lived together that sounds like a meaningful relationship and maybe he doesn't want it to seem like a slap in the face. I think you should be honest and just ask him instead of driving yourself mad with scenarios that may not even be true [:

 

...I do have to agree with the other poster a little though, dating a close friend's ex is kind of a low blow but it's besides the point.

[crederer]

I can't really imagine….

I wonder when she will just get over this and rekindle our friendship. Is there any hope of our friendship being gained back? We grew up together, we have so much history.

 

Not likely. I mean I don't know your relationship with her, but if my buddy that I grew up with starting sleeping with my girl I wouldn't even make small talk with him. I'd probably sleep with his mom or something out of revenge.

[greenfairie]

Not likely. I mean I don't know your relationship with her, but if my buddy that I grew up with starting sleeping with my girl I wouldn't even make small talk with him. I'd probably sleep with his mom or something out of revenge.

 

Yeah, but she really left us alone. It seems like its for good. I don't want to lose her. She won't talk to us, even cut ties with some mutual friends, won't even go to any of the parties we used to frequent together too, it's like she disappeared. I just wonder why she has to go THIS far.

[greenfairie]

Considering the way you guys got together it may come off as shady, but in my experience, I personally think it's about having respect for your ex. The first time I broke things off with a girl then got with someone relatively soon after, I didn't want her finding out out of respect and I didn't want to seem like an even bigger ass**** since I ended our relationship. If they were together for a few years and lived together that sounds like a meaningful relationship and maybe he doesn't want it to seem like a slap in the face. I think you should be honest and just ask him instead of driving yourself mad with scenarios that may not even be true [:

 

...I do have to agree with the other poster a little though, dating a close friend's ex is kind of a low blow but it's besides the point.

 

I did ask him, but he says no and that he wouldn't sleep with her, things aren't working out with them as she's too much drama to deal with and they both need to grow up. Thats what he tells me….

[crederer]

Yeah, but she really left us alone. It seems like its for good. I don't want to lose her. She won't talk to us, even cut ties with some mutual friends, won't even go to any of the parties we used to frequent together too, it's like she disappeared. I just wonder why she has to go THIS far.

 

She's probably wondering why YOU had to go this far (i.e get with her boyfriend).

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, but you're being very self centred in all of this.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yeah, I agree but we haven't talked. I ran into her and she literally just said

hi and walked away. She did confront me about this a while ago and she asked

me if it was true but I kept on denying it and lying about it. She still

didn't believe me but didn't act angry. She just stayed calm like she can be a

good actor. I don't get why she won't just talk to me

 

You say you don't get why she doesn't just talk to you, but you answered your question already by saying when she asks, you lie and deny. This is duplicitous, shady, wrong and honestly a terrible thing to do to someone. You date her ex, and then lie to her about it and wonder what happened to your friendship? Honestly, what if she had done this to you? How would you feel if your best friend since you were babies started dating your ex that you were in a long committed relationship with and then lied about it? You aren't a good friend or girlfriend because you are with a man who is still obviously in love with his ex, and seeing you out of spite.

Wow,

Grumps

[PegNosePete]

So not only did you (from her point of view) steal her boyfriend, you're also lying about it (by not going public).

 

Yeah, I think I see why she won't talk to you.

[Acacia98]

Yeah, I agree but we haven't talked. I ran into her and she literally just said hi and walked away. She did confront me about this a while ago and she asked me if it was true but I kept on denying it and lying about it. She still didn't believe me but didn't act angry. She just stayed calm like she can be a good actor. I don't get why she won't just talk to me.

 

She did try talking to you, but you kept on denying it and lying about it. I don't understand why you can't see the connection between your actions and her reaction. I also don't understand why you expect your boyfriend to be honest with her when you chose not to be honest with her.

[Darren Steez]

I can't believe OP is being so naive. Best friends since babies? So she must have told you everything then, she confided in you about their relationship. You and your boyfriend didn't just get together after they broke up. Something (an attraction) was happening while they were still together, at least you liked him because you didn't hesitate to dump your friend and go out with him.

 

Mad shady lady.

[greenfairie]

I can't believe OP is being so naive. Best friends since babies? So she must have told you everything then, she confided in you about their relationship. You and your boyfriend didn't just get together after they broke up. Something (an attraction) was happening while they were still together, at least you liked him because you didn't hesitate to dump your friend and go out with him.

 

Mad shady lady.

 

Yes, I have always liked him since they were together. She did, even after the breakup, every time Id check on her, shed bring up the breakup how she's still coping/getting over the breakup but is doing better so I couldn't bring myself to hurt her even more.

[greenfairie]

I think group of freinds dating each other is messy.

it always ends with mad people also.

 

If you where her friend why would you go with her ex and rigth after

her break up.

that's not what freinds do.

beside you are like happy to see him killing her with the news

That he is with you.

 

I think you should leave her alone.

and deal with if he is really into you or is he just using you.

and get into relationships with people that just got out of a break up.

you are signing up to get use or for a break up.

 

 

We weren't speaking at the time, so I thought it was no big deal. Why would he be using me if he gave me a ring and is acting all serious with me? We kept this up for a year now, but the ex just found out a few months ago and I heard she was devastated.

[greenfairie]

You say you don't get why she doesn't just talk to you, but you answered your question already by saying when she asks, you lie and deny. This is duplicitous, shady, wrong and honestly a terrible thing to do to someone. You date her ex, and then lie to her about it and wonder what happened to your friendship? Honestly, what if she had done this to you? How would you feel if your best friend since you were babies started dating your ex that you were in a long committed relationship with and then lied about it? You aren't a good friend or girlfriend because you are with a man who is still obviously in love with his ex, and seeing you out of spite.

Wow,

Grumps

 

I hope she forgives me one day. I don't think he's still in love with her. If he was still in love with her, why wouldnt he just be with her now?

[ConstantVoyager]

In a way, I disagree with other posters. You exbestF doesn't own this guy for life because they had a long relationship. You have every right to date him.

 

That said, it would have been respectful and mature to wait for a cooling off period of six to 12 months after they broke up to make sure a) there was no chance of reconciliation, and b) he wasn't massively on the rebound when he got together with you.

 

But, that's all in the past. In the present, I would tell your boyfriend that your relationship goes public ASAP or you're gone. It's a sign of huge disrespect to you to keep it on the down low this long.

 

Try to open a dialogue with your exfriend. She may just need some time to heal.

[violet1]

It sounds like your a rebound relationship. Some people just can't be alone. I've always thought it's a bad idea to jump from one relationship into another. A person needs time to heal. I also agree that dating your best friend's ex right after they broke up is pretty cruel. Your friends are supposed to have your back and support you during a break up, not date the ex. It also speaks volumes about his character. Why would you want to be with someone who wants to keep you as a secret? Is this secret bf of yours worth losing a life long friendship?

[crederer]

In a way, I disagree with other posters. You exbestF doesn't own this guy for life because they had a long relationship. You have every right to date him.

 

That said, it would have been respectful and mature to wait for a cooling off period of six to 12 months after they broke up to make sure a) there was no chance of reconciliation, and b) he wasn't massively on the rebound when he got together with you.

 

But, that's all in the past. In the present, I would tell your boyfriend that your relationship goes public ASAP or you're gone. It's a sign of huge disrespect to you to keep it on the down low this long.

 

Try to open a dialogue with your exfriend. She may just need some time to heal.

 

I agree that her ex friend doesn't own the guy, and she has a right to date him to a degree, just as the friend has every right not to talk to her anymore.

 

Like seriously, I can't even imagine a friend of mine betraying me like that. But yes, legally she has a right to. Morally it's a little questionable to say the least.