Affair coming up in arguments

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Come one guys - she is trying to figure out how to deal with all of this - I know you guys are on the other side of this but come on - let's figure out how to help her.

[BeholdtheMan]

Come one guys - she is trying to figure out how to deal with all of this - I know you guys are on the other side of this but come on - let's figure out how to help her.

We are helping her, we're just not sugar-coating. "Helping her" doesn't always equal "trying to make her feel better"

 

Her husband has the right to be angry. How do you think she'd be acting if the roles were reversed?

 

While it's "unfair" to mention the affair during unrelated arguments, was it "fair" of her to open wide for another man?

 

Her husband is probably having a very difficult time controlling his anger right now. It would serve her well to be sympathetic. The best reponse as someone has pointed out would be to say:

 

"I know you're still angry about the affair, you have a right to be angry. Do you want to talk about the affair or do you want to talk about the money?"

 

The worst thing to do would be to reply with something to the effect of "just get over it", "you're just using the affair to win arguments"

[yellowmaverick]

Come one guys - she is trying to figure out how to deal with all of this - I know you guys are on the other side of this but come on - let's figure out how to help her.

 

Agree, but telling her an untruth that he is using his pain as an "ace card" will not help her to truly understand what he is feeling. It's a cop-out statement for the WS, much like the affair itself. The BS is trying to work through his pain and anger. From CD's prior posts, it sounds like he has been suppressing and rugsweeping. The problem is that this is only a short-term solution. His anger is now surfacing and they need to work through it together.

[anne1707]

Come one guys - she is trying to figure out how to deal with all of this - I know you guys are on the other side of this but come on - let's figure out how to help her.

 

Exactly. CD has not asked for sympathy on this. She has not said her husband is wrong to do this or that she does not understand why. She has not said that she feels no remorse. Instead she has come here to ask for advice to help her and her husband find a less damaging and a more healthy way of dealing with arguments post dday.

 

I know its hard CD but if he does this again, you have to not react to it in the heat of the argument. However when things have calmed down, you both need to talk about what was said and why. I also think that if this does continue then it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that it is not healthy for the marriage long term if he continues to throw the affair back in your face and that he needs to find a way to deal with that anger and resentment in a way that will do less harm for you both, eg IC or MC

[JustJoe]

Exactly. CD has not asked for sympathy on this. She has not said her husband is wrong to do this or that she does not understand why. She has not said that she feels no remorse. Instead she has come here to ask for advice to help her and her husband find a less damaging and a more healthy way of dealing with arguments post dday.

 

I know its hard CD but if he does this again, you have to not react to it in the heat of the argument. However when things have calmed down, you both need to talk about what was said and why. I also think that if this does continue then it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that it is not healthy for the marriage long term if he continues to throw the affair back in your face and that he needs to find a way to deal with that anger and resentment in a way that will do less harm for you both, eg IC or MC

This is just a long version of "just get over it" and isn't really very helpful at all. CD, as you live and breathe, NEVER give him instructions on how to deal with YOUR affair. You, nor any other WS have that right. The best advice is to use understanding, respect , sympathy and caring to endure his outbursts. They will subside after time. Edited November 27, 2013 by JustJoe

[karnak]

This kind of thread explains one of the reasons why most mariages should end after an affair.

 

Too much suffering and drama during the "reconciliation" beyond the initial shock and drama of the affair itself.

[anne1707]

This is just a long version of "just get over it" and isn't really very helpful at all. CD, as you live and breathe, NEVER give him instructions on how to deal with YOUR affair. You, nor any other WS have that right. The best advice is to use understanding, respect , sympathy and caring to endure his outbursts. They will subside after time.

 

No it absolutely not a "just get over it" at all. I never said anything of the kind. I suggest you read my post again. I said that if this continues long term then counselling may be need ed. Or do you think the BS should hold on to such pain and anger forever?

[BeholdtheMan]

it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that it is not healthy for the marriage long term if he continues to throw the affair back in your face and that he needs to find a way to deal with that anger and resentment in a way that will do less harm for you both

Actually, it's perfectly natural and healthy for him to "throw the affair in her face" for at least a year or two after DDay.

 

OP should accept her betrayed husband's anger but make sure that when he brings up the affair, she guides the conversation away from the original argument (i.e. money) and toward the affair...otherwise, they'll be wasting energy on an unrelated argument when the crux of the problem is the affair.

 

I highly, highly doubt that when her husband brings up the affair, he's using the affair as an "ace card".

 

This reasoning is so off-base and cheater-centric, it's almost laughable.

 

It implies that the affair is just some tool used by the betrayed spouse to win an argument. Trust me...winning the argument isn't the betrayed spouse's main motivation. His main motivation is the intense anger simmering inside of him every day. He needs to vent.

 

He's not using the affair as a tool to win the argument over money (not this early in reconciliation). His anger is being triggered by the argument over money. He likely spends a lot of energy trying to mentally cope with the affair. When an argument over money ensues, his minor anger over money triggers his major anger over OP's affair.

 

OP you had the affair. You now have to do the heavy lifting. Your BS is dealing with his anger. He's letting it out on you. In the long-term, this is healthy. Of course, if you don't want to put up with it, you can always file for divorce.

Edited November 27, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[whiterabbit46]

CD I've been following your threads. I thought you and H were doing better until I read this last one. Personally speaking, I can understand his anger in bringing things up from the past. Had it been me, as soon as I had heard about the anal, I'd have been through with you. I think that form of sex is extremely personal, ONLY to be shared with your spouse. To give away something that special to another man is unforgiveable.

[anne1707]

Actually, it's perfectly natural and healthy for him to "throw the affair in her face" for at least a year or two after DDay.

 

I would say understandable, but not neccessarily healthy.

 

OP you had the affair. You now have to do the heavy lifting. Your BS is dealing with his anger. He's letting it out on you. In the long-term, this is healthy. Of course, if you don't want to put up with it, you can always file for

divorce.

 

It is healthy that the anger is "let out" for the long term happiness of all involved. The issue is how it is let out and if it continues to be there for years to come.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Exactly. CD has not asked for sympathy on this. She has not said her husband is wrong to do this or that she does not understand why. She has not said that she feels no remorse. Instead she has come here to ask for advice to help her and her husband find a less damaging and a more healthy way of dealing with arguments post dday.

 

I know its hard CD but if he does this again, you have to not react to it in the heat of the argument. However when things have calmed down, you both need to talk about what was said and why. I also think that if this does continue then it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that it is not healthy for the marriage long term if he continues to throw the affair back in your face and that he needs to find a way to deal with that anger and resentment in a way that will do less harm for you both, eg IC or MC

 

I know another poster said this was a long version of get over it. I do not see it like that.

 

The goal is to have a healthy relationship, one where there is a team. And it is not unreasonable after a period of time has gone by, for a WS to expect the affair does NOT get brought up in all discussions. Because it is throwing it in the face of the WS.

 

That is not to say, that a BS does not have the right for the rest of their lives to ask questions or to tell the WS that they are triggered or in pain. It has to be discussed in a healthy way, one where the BS feels comfortable in asking/sharing and where the WS recognizes this is an opportunity to rebuild trust and make an ever so slight dent in amends. A WS should welcome all opportunities they are given to show remorse and participate in the healing process towards the BS. It is a win-win for both.

 

 

"I hate it when you leave your clothes on the floor....OM/OW might not have minded where you threw your clothes...but I FN do, but NOOO what I want doesn't matter because I'm not OM/OW...for them you would do anything"

 

or

 

"Leaving your clothes on the floor really bothers me. Oh and can we discuss the affair later, there are a few things that I need clarification with"

 

Which is more productive...for BOTH parties involved?

[Sub]

Initially, there were fears between my WS and I that it would be hard to have disagreements, that they would be a sign of us being disconnected and the A would make it hard to get over the little things - money, the house, the kid. Your H may look at arguments as a sign that you don't respect him, that in your head you're thinking "God, I should have just left him for the OM if this is the stuff I'm going to have to put up with." Not the most elegant way I can put it, but I'll admit that's how I felt a few times. To help assuage those feelings, we would make sure to confirm to each other afterwards that we weren't going anywhere, no matter what we argued about. We didn't deny that the spectre of the A lingered, but we had to be able to disagree about things like a "normal" couple again, to truly feel secure in the R.

 

Did you have a healthy amount of disagreement prior to the A and D-Day?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

We are helping her, we're just not sugar-coating. "Helping her" doesn't always equal "trying to make her feel better"

 

Her husband has the right to be angry. How do you think she'd be acting if the roles were reversed?

 

While it's "unfair" to mention the affair during unrelated arguments, was it "fair" of her to open wide for another man?

 

Her husband is probably having a very difficult time controlling his anger right now. It would serve her well to be sympathetic. The best reponse as someone has pointed out would be to say:

 

"I know you're still angry about the affair, you have a right to be angry. Do you want to talk about the affair or do you want to talk about the money?"

 

The worst thing to do would be to reply with something to the effect of "just get over it", "you're just using the affair to win arguments"

 

Of course he has a right, for certain. But to say "build a time machine" - geesh! We all pretty much wish we could to that - that does not help.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Agree, but telling her an untruth that he is using his pain as an "ace card" will not help her to truly understand what he is feeling. It's a cop-out statement for the WS, much like the affair itself. The BS is trying to work through his pain and anger. From CD's prior posts, it sounds like he has been suppressing and rugsweeping. The problem is that this is only a short-term solution. His anger is now surfacing and they need to work through it together.

 

This is extremely fresh for him and for her. So, I wouldn't call it an ace card just yet - but some people DO use it that way. I was just referring to the comments made about going back in a time machine - that doesn't help anything.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You know these are always difficult situations. I don't want to rug sweep and I don't think my husband does either, but after the questions were answered, it was time to move on. Rehashing the same stuff over and over and over again doesn't help anyone. There were times in the first year, there would be some angry outbursts, but then we would end up calmly discussing it afterwards.

 

Actually, the weird thing is, it has really made us more aware of HOW we should be treating each other - with kindness and love.

 

It's still not easy - right now -this time of the year is a HUGE trigger for me - anniversary dates of dday and the infamous church sermon, etc. and then my stupid birthday is sandwiched in between all of it and I just want to even forget I have a birthday. But, now, what I try to do is redirect my thoughts the best I can and move on. I know my husband is thinking about it from time to time too - it's hard not to - but what other choice do we have. We have to forge forward.

 

CD - it will get better, but this is so darn fresh for you and for him. It's going to take time. Just treat him with love with the angry outbursts come - as long as there is nothing physical involved and no verbal abuse - let him vent. The comfort him and love on him.

[painfullyobvious]

I'm being a little sarcastic here. Putting your affair aside, now you know what its like arguing with women. As men our entire past comes up when an argument about why the dishes were not done was the starting point.

[Realist3]

Actually, it's perfectly natural and healthy for him to "throw the affair in her face" for at least a year or two after DDay.

 

 

 

I highly, highly doubt that when her husband brings up the affair, he's using the affair as an "ace card".

 

This reasoning is so off-base and cheater-centric, it's almost laughable.

 

It implies that the affair is just some tool used by the betrayed spouse to win an argument. Trust me...winning the argument isn't the betrayed spouse's main motivation. His main motivation is the intense anger simmering inside of him every day. He needs to vent.

 

He's not using the affair as a tool to win the argument over money (not this early in reconciliation). His anger is being triggered by the argument over money. He likely spends a lot of energy trying to mentally cope with the affair. When an argument over money ensues, his minor anger over money triggers his major anger over OP's affair.

 

OP you had the affair. You now have to do the heavy lifting. Your BS is dealing with his anger. He's letting it out on you. In the long-term, this is healthy. Of course, if you don't want to put up with it, you can always file for divorce.

 

I can't see how that would be acceptable or even remotely healthy. It is never healthy to live in anger for a year or two.

 

As to the second bolded part, you just don't know what his motivations are in playing that card.

 

If he still has anger issues then they need to speak about that separately and deal with those accordingly. If he continues down this path for any great length of time he is just ruining any chance of R. Continually being angry is not a recipe for success.

 

I have read a few books on this subject and never once have I read that the decision to reconcile means the WS is demoted to second class status in the relationship.

 

The best suggestion mentioned so far was, "Do you want to talk about the affair or money?" A kinder way of what I was trying to say. He can deflect if he wants, but there is no justification to conflate the issues.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You know these are always difficult situations. I don't want to rug sweep and I don't think my husband does either, but after the questions were answered, it was time to move on. Rehashing the same stuff over and over and over again doesn't help anyone. There were times in the first year, there would be some angry outbursts, but then we would end up calmly discussing it afterwards.

 

Actually, the weird thing is, it has really made us more aware of HOW we should be treating each other - with kindness and love.

 

It's still not easy - right now -this time of the year is a HUGE trigger for me - anniversary dates of dday and the infamous church sermon, etc. and then my stupid birthday is sandwiched in between all of it and I just want to even forget I have a birthday. But, now, what I try to do is redirect my thoughts the best I can and move on. I know my husband is thinking about it from time to time too - it's hard not to - but what other choice do we have. We have to forge forward.

 

CD - it will get better, but this is so darn fresh for you and for him. It's going to take time. Just treat him with love with the angry outbursts come - as long as there is nothing physical involved and no verbal abuse - let him vent. The comfort him and love on him.

 

Most trauma experts would disagree with you. It is in the retelling of events and how one feels that we are able to incorporate it into our life story. It is there that it gets woven in. It also helps to create an US in the trauma. By having someone listen to our feelings...it validates them. When it is the WS that is the one giving validity to how the BS feels...it builds trust, a safe place, understanding and a closer bond. So that in the future, it is your SO that we turn to..because there is a strong bridge built there. One, that we know is safe and accepting. One that we know is there to help us and tackle issues together. It is a place that we go to without thinking about it. We trust it.

[Realist3]

This is a seriously cold and callous statement. A BS's pain is not an "Ace card". Don't presume to know anything about what a BS feels or thinks. You are so off base.

 

I would call it straightforward. You can take it out of the affair context, this method is used on a whole host of issues. Just because it happens in the context of an affair situation does not make it unique or change the meaning for using it.

[janedoe67]

You are still not very far out from D-Day in the scheme of things. Yes, these things hurt, and no, when you get right down to it, some of the things he says in anger probably aren't "right," but he is in the grieving part of this process. As you both recover, heal, and move forward, and as he begins to be able to trust more again that it is safe, this will likely lessen. I say give this a year - this cycle of the affair coming up when there is stress or conflict. Right or wrong, it is a self-protective and hurt-motivated thing. Every bad feeling is a trigger, and the A is at the core of it.

 

I am not saying take abuse. When this happens, tell him that you know you hurt him horribly and that you know he is in great pain. Then calmly repeat his words back to him and tell him they hurt. When he calms down he will likely come back and apologize, like he did before. It's an instinctual response on his part, really.

 

I believe that most couples go through this, and when both of them want authentic recovery and work hard, it does eventually fade.

 

I know it's hard....but time is your friend. Give it time.

[Realist3]

This kind of thread explains one of the reasons why most mariages should end after an affair.

 

Too much suffering and drama during the "reconciliation" beyond the initial shock and drama of the affair itself.

 

I agree with this to a certain extent. If the BS is someone that can't 'get over it' in a reasonable amount of time they are just wasting their time.

 

In this case we are talking almost a year and it is still coming up in unrelated arguments. You can't expect a successful R if the affair is constantly being hung over the WS's head at every turn. Not gonna work.

[Realist3]

I say give this a year - this cycle of the affair coming up when there is stress or conflict.

 

So you are saying 2 more months. I would guess that if it is still being used at this point 2 more months will not make much of a difference.

[yellowmaverick]

I can't see how that would be acceptable or even remotely healthy. It is never healthy to live in anger for a year or two.

 

As to the second bolded part, you just don't know what his motivations are in playing that card.

 

If he still has anger issues then they need to speak about that separately and deal with those accordingly. If he continues down this path for any great length of time he is just ruining any chance of R. Continually being angry is not a recipe for success.

 

I have read a few books on this subject and never once have I read that the decision to reconcile means the WS is demoted to second class status in the relationship.

 

The best suggestion mentioned so far was, "Do you want to talk about the affair or money?" A kinder way of what I was trying to say. He can deflect if he wants, but there is no justification to conflate the issues.

 

You are speaking about something about which you have no knowledge. A BS who has been stabbed in the heart by a WS is not "playing" any kind of card - he is just being upfront and authentic. He hurts and is struggling to deal with it. Maybe CD does not think about the affair 24/7, but I guarantee that her BS does.

 

Your response is very typical for a cheating spouse. You assume that everyone has a ulterior motive or is not authentic because that is YOUR persepctive of life as a cheater. The BS does not have any other agenda other than just trying to process his hurt and anger, one day at a time. Only those who have been there and live their lives authentically can understand this.

[jnj express]

I don't know how old most of you are---but you gotta know that this is never going away, as far as the BH is concerned------

 

You throw out numbers of years to get over the A.---that works to some extent---when the couple is still working/has kids/lots of friends parties/activities

 

THAT ALL DISAPPEARS WITH RETIREMENT---now most of you are shooting your eyes toward the heavens---with a what is this all about---I'll tell you what its all about----retirement----no work to go to---no kids to do things for---many friends moved away,---passed on---retirement---you are together 24/7/365----and let me tell you---you have nothing but time on your hands---and plenty of time to think about things----day after day after day after day----and the A---will come up each and every day---IN THE MIND OF THE BH/BW----for as you look at your partner who cheated on you---you trigger, and you remember---for you have lots of time on your hands---TO THINK ABOUT THINGS-----you may have R, and you are together---but believe me when I tell you it ain't so great----AND IT NEVER GOES AWAY----EVER

[Realist3]

You are speaking about something about which you have no knowledge. A BS who has been stabbed in the heart by a WS is not "playing" any kind of card - he is just being upfront and authentic. He hurts and is struggling to deal with it. Maybe CD does not think about the affair 24/7, but I guarantee that her BS does.

 

Your response is very typical for a cheating spouse. You assume that everyone has a ulterior motive or is not authentic because that is YOUR persepctive of life as a cheater. The BS does not have any other agenda other than just trying to process his hurt and anger, one day at a time. Only those who have been there and live their lives authentically can understand this.

 

You don't process the hurt and pain/anger by throwing in the WS's face for a year. No professional advice would ever suggest that as a way towards recovery.