Affair coming up in arguments

[JustJoe]

Look, I'm not trying to manipulate him, "fix" him, whatever, the way you mean it. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. This is why we argue for pages about the definition of abuse. My meaning was clear enough. I broke it. I know it can't be fixed, but I want to do whatever I can to fix it.

 

I didn't ask how to manipulate my husband. I asked how to respond to something that comes out of the blue and is extremely hurtful.

 

I never said he wasn't justified. I also never said he was abusing me.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is, how do I have the conversation about money without getting sidetracked by the affair? And if the affair comes up, how do I help him...but also have the conversation about money?

 

Because we need to deal with the affair when it comes up. But we also have to talk about money. Guys, we're buying our first house, I have a relatively new job, we want to have kids some day. If we can't discuss the money, we can't have a marriage. But we can't have a marriage without a reconciliation.

 

So, for those of you who have offered helpful advice, thank you. For anyone else, please help me with this.

 

I can accept an insult, even if it's disgusting and hurtful, because it IS true, and try to accept it, but we still have to have the non-affair-related conversations. If we can't actually discuss the rest of our marriage because we are always sidetracked by the affair, how can we possibly move forward as a couple? We have to be able to communicate about the read of our lives, too!

 

Okay...rant over.

I agree with Artie Lang, you are trying to move far too fast . By buying a house you are trying to commit your husband to a future with you, and he clearly isn't ready to do that, yet. It's NOT him....it's YOU. You keep saying that you are not trying to manipulate, "fix" him, but you most certainly ARE doing just that. You shouldn't even be mentioning the future, until both you and he have put the affair to rest. My advice would be to put the house buying on hold, for the time being and you work on your infidelity issues and let your husband detox at his own pace.

You don't seem to be getting the idea. EVERYTHING you say or do, can, if he wishes, be related to the affair, and for the foreseeable future, probably WILL be related to the affair. Deal with day to day issues only, until he is more receptive , and has given you the go ahead for any future plans.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree with Artie Lang, you are trying to move far too fast . By buying a house you are trying to commit your husband to a future with you, and he clearly isn't ready to do that, yet. It's NOT him....it's YOU. You keep saying that you are not trying to manipulate, "fix" him, but you most certainly ARE doing just that. You shouldn't even be mentioning the future, until both you and he have put the affair to rest. My advice would be to put the house buying on hold, for the time being and you work on your infidelity issues and let your husband detox at his own pace.

You don't seem to be getting the idea. EVERYTHING you say or do, can, if he wishes, be related to the affair, and for the foreseeable future, probably WILL be related to the affair. Deal with day to day issues only, until he is more receptive , and has given you the go ahead for any future plans.

We're buying his grandparent's house, the house we currently live in. If we don't buy it now, we will have to move elsewhere. It's now or never. I know it's a terrible time to buy a house, but the alternative is to lose the chance to buy this house, that we both love, that we're already living in, that has a million memories of his childhood.

 

Actually, it's at least as scary for me as for him, because if for some reason this doesn't work out, I'm committed and will not be able to get another house elsewhere.

 

Zenstudent, we were initially arguing about who was paying for dinner. There was some misunderstanding about his tips and which account money went into, etc. he got much more upset than the situation really warranted, but he was too upset for me to explain that I don't really care which account the money goes into/out of, as long as we're on the same page.

 

Of course, he heard it as an attack on his job and what he's doing. When he finally let me explain, we had a good discussion, he cleared up the misunderstanding, and all was good again. The whole thing could've been covered in a 5 minute conversation, but lately every time he's frustrated with me, he gets far more frustrated than the situation warrants. This seems to be a recent stage, as it's just been over the last few weeks.

 

We've discussed it, and I'm trying to be patient, but overall we both have very volatile tempers (argument-wise; it's not physical or "abusive"). Later, we are usually able to sit down and discuss things.

 

One of my internal struggles is that after DDay, we realized I had built up a lot of resentment about things I THOUGHT I had been communicating, but he hadn't been hearing me. So I'm afraid if I am TOO patient, that we'll wait and end up not talking about it at all.

 

For instance, in this case we did discuss it, and ended up clearing up the misunderstanding eventually. Hopefully there's a way to get to the discussion sooner, without two arguments first. I'm sure we'll figure it out, but it always helps to get some ideas from people who've been there.

[whatatangledweb]

Buying a house is very stressful. When you are stressed and hurting then everything piles up. I think the added stress keeps reminding him of everything and that turns it into your affair. It is the way many bs react the first year. If he is like me he feels horrible afterwards. I believe once you have moved into the house , the stress and his emotions will calm way down. I know it is painful for you that he does this.

[compulsivedancer]

Buying a house is very stressful. When you are stressed and hurting then everything piles up. I think the added stress keeps reminding him of everything and that turns it into your affair. It is the way many bs react the first year. If he is like me he feels horrible afterwards. I believe once you have moved into the house , the stress and his emotions will calm way down. I know it is painful for you that he does this.

We already live here, but yes, I imagine a lot of the stress will lesson once everything is settled. It should be complete by Christmas, yay!

[Fluttershy]

We already live here, but yes, I imagine a lot of the stress will lesson once everything is settled. It should be complete by Christmas, yay!

Keep your chin up, CD, I think you guys still have a good chance. Him acknowledging his mistakes instead of just letting the vile words he said hang in the air, shows he is willing to work on things and not let the responsibility of reconciliation rest on how low you can drag your belly in the dirt. Reconciliation takes two and I think the saying "the wayward does the heavy lifting" gives the wrong idea to it. The fact is the betrayed spouse has just as much work to do if the relationship is to survive. After all they were the ones that had their world blown apart and often their life view tainted. They obviously aren't just sitting back with their feet up enjoying a cigar in one hand while whipping the wayward with the other. Your husband has a lot of hard work ahead of him.

And as to the bringing up the affair. I think in many cases it is a damned if you do... sort of situation. Is there anyway you can sit him down and ask him how he would like your affair to be brought up? Would he like you to notice triggers and mention them or let him bring it up? Would he like you to periodically apologize or let sleeping dogs lie? Don't worry if he is "rug sweeping" as others say because that is his choice. In time it will come out anyways but it will be his time frame. You picking up the carpet all the time I don't think is going to go over well with him. And the truth is, he may not be rug sweeping if he doesn't want to talk about the A at a certain point. He just may not feel like it at the moment. Like that happy moment when you reminded him of your disgrace.

I think though an honest conversation on when, where and how the affair be talked about should come up. And if you feel strongly about being free to talk to him about your own triggers then mention that to him as well. But if he is really against it at this point then I would use this site or another to vent those out. Or if you have a close girlfriend you can confide in.