BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Hello, been a long time since i was here and i wish in a way i was never back again but thanks for the help last year... been with my girlfriend for 5 months and broke up at Christmas because... -my Christmas present wasn't good enough ( we agreed not to buy each other things we don't want before Christmas ) -i never phoned her for 1 whole day on 24th December -i couldn't come down in my car to visit her after we 1/2 broke up as i was searching for my lost cousin in the Thailand tragedy ( luckily i found him! ) she told me sort of after we broke up that she loves me, i told her i fell in love with her too, she asked me to visit her but i couldn't because i was trying to find my cousin, she agreed to come to me ( i have my own house, she doesn't ) , so i thought right its just her flipping over nothing again and everything is ok again, phone goes 1 hour later "i am not coming down, i want to break it off because i can't feel like this anymore" i was so angry at her irrationality, selfishness etc. today i texted her to ask for a chat to try and resolve this and she says that "feelings don't come into it,when i feel mistreated i shutdown, i'm protecting myself from hurt in the longterm, the christmas present was the last straw, you can say that u dont understand me but you do know what i am talking about, i really want no more contact as i dont want to be as annoyed as i have been these last few days" NO I DONT UNDERSTAND HER! we are 30/31 years old so we ain't kids here i deleted her numbers from my phone and i feel like selling all her gifts and donating the money to that terrible tragedy in Asia as it makes me sick looking at them what now besides the obvious NO CONTACT and MOVE ON eventually ( takes a long time!!!!!! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 come on please, especially would like the females point of view, i'm trying to think objectively if that is indeed possible Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Afraid I can't be very constructive from a woman's point of view, all I can say (as a woman) is she sounds like a nightmare! If I'd split up with my bf over rubbish gifts I'd have been single years ago! She sounds high-maintenance and selfish and you're well shot of her. I'm afraid that's the best I can do. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong i was so angry at her irrationality, selfishness etc. today i texted her to ask for a chat to try and resolve this and she says that "feelings don't come into it,when i feel mistreated i shutdown, i'm protecting myself from hurt in the longterm, the christmas present was the last straw, you can say that u dont understand me but you do know what i am talking about, i really want no more contact as i dont want to be as annoyed as i have been these last few days" NO I DONT UNDERSTAND HER! I can guarantee you 100% buddy that she will be back. When a man holds his ground they always come back. It is when a man starts acting like a spineless jellyfish that they don't come back. I think you should sell the presents and donate $$ to the disaster relief fund. And when she does decide to come back (which she most definately will) you must make her pay dearly to get you back. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong come on please, especially would like the females point of view, i'm trying to think objectively if that is indeed possible WTF!! Why do you want woman's point of view here!!!!!!????!?!? Women will feed you a bunch of bullshyt BS idealistic krap that does not mean shyt. You need males point of view here. I have been in your shoes a number of times. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Okay, I just gotta ask : what was the Christmas present? Because if she was hoping for an engagement ring and you gave her a paper shredder - she's really going to be pissed off. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong Hello, been a long time since i was here and i wish in a way i was never back again ....... I understand, but you have been missed! Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 after only five months of dating it seems kind of silly to expect a lavish gift. Of course I don't know what the gift actually was or what her expectations were, but if this is a little glimpse into what your future with her would be like, for Heavens sake, you're probably much better off. If she truly wants you, this may be a manipulation technique, and she's still waiting for that ever so much better gift which will arrive at her doorstep, she assumes? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Good ta see ya, dude! Never mind Alphamale; he's terminally misogynistic. She was unreasonable. I figure that reasonableness is a really important quality in a prospective mate so I have to agree with those who say you're well rid of her. And even if she tries to come back, I'd not let her. She doesn't appear to be a promising prospect whatesoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 hello again moimeme & reasontosigh, it makes me smile that you remembered me, thanks also to the others which i don't know seems my head has told me exactly what all of you have said... no matter what i would do it will never be good enough for the record the present was a large bar of swiss chocolate which was a joke about us not getting anything but it was still alright she told me once how she was a spoilt child... my own mother told me the same... mothers know what is best for their son! i was good to her... believe me! i'm away to bed here as its near 5am here, cya all soon feel a bit better now... cheers folks! Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Dear BRHW, very sorry to hear about your breakup. All I can advise is for you to stay away from her. Dont contact her and try to get to grips with what happened. You did not do anything wrong with the present if you agreed in advance not to get each other presents. I am wondering about the phonecall on the 24th. Were you usually in contact every day? Has she complained in the past about you not calling her? Does she celebrate Christmas on the 24th? If she does, she might have been hurt to not hear from you on this day. Unless there were other issues in your relationship, I think she is blowing everything out of proportion. If there are some things you still need to tell her, then contact her one last time maybe via email, tell her what you have to say and then stay away. Good luck and I hope that you will feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 I am wondering about the phonecall on the 24th. Were you usually in contact every day? Has she complained in the past about you not calling her? Does she celebrate Christmas on the 24th? If she does, she might have been hurt to not hear from you on this day. yes we usually did talk everyday and she did complain in the past, it was the 23rd i never phoned her because both of us were busy she says she feels like we're not as close when we don't talk for a day compared to say when we sleep together this is blown out of proportion i don't think i will contact again as she asked me not too, i sent her 3 text messages to try and sort it out or at least get some closure and she said she can't face speaking to me... she freaked out months ago too and asked me to not contact her again so its happened before but its far worse this time she txted "feelings don't come into it,when i feel mistreated i shutdown, i'm protecting myself from hurt in the longterm, the christmas present was the last straw, you can say that u dont understand me but you do know what i am talking about, i really want no more contact as i dont want to be as annoyed as i have been these last few days" this is from "what women want" ebook... "We may push men away, but we all want to be loved. Sometimes we definitely do not show it. Much of the reason stems from our independency, but most of it comes directly from fear. Women nowadays have thrown up an emotional barricade. We try our hardest to fight off any invaders. The risk is too great to let down that emotional wall and get hurt by becoming attached. What we fear the most is actually what we desire the most: To be loved and to love back unconditionally and freely. Scary! See, it even freaks me out." is my ex girlfriend not a classical case of this? she told me many times before she is afraid of getting hurt... hey its the same for us men! Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Alpha male.. this one is for u... does that hold true for women too? Do men always come back if the women is good and trated them right? or is this just for men? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 I 'm assuming this was not just casual dating, but a serious relationship because you said the two of you are in love........I'm still trying to view it from her perspective, because I'm not entirely convinced she's being selfish or unreasonable. You said you feel like selling her gifts and donating the money - sounds like she has spent time, money, thought, and effort when buying gifts for you. Giving your girlfriend a candy bar at Christmas is not a very romantic way of expressing your love. C'mon, you could have done better than that... She has now told you that the "Christmas present was the last straw"....maybe it's because she feels you have been lacking in other respects as well - when it comes to displaying gestures of love. Maybe she felt she was the one doing all the giving in the relationship - JUST IN GENERAL. Everyone knows it's not important to lavish your bf/gf with expensive gifts all the time, but Christmas was an opportunity for you to do just a little something extra, to make her feel loved and 'special'. I think she didn't feel cared about by you - just overall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 31, 2004 Author Share Posted December 31, 2004 well it was a serious relationship as i don't do casual relationships, she told me she loved me only 5 days ago but at the same time couldn't speak to me again jellybean, i think you may be right here, over the past few days i've tried to see it from her perspective also Maybe she felt she was the one doing all the giving in the relationship - JUST IN GENERAL she kind of hinted this a few times, she mostly had to drive to see me although i am the one who had the house and hence we had the house to ourselves what should i do now? i'm kind of thinking of writing her a letter explaining this and a few other things but what is the point Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong what should i do now? i'm kind of thinking of writing her a letter explaining this and a few other things but what is the point do NOTHING, say NOTHING, send NOTHING let her make the next move, even if it takes two months Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 I'm with AM on this one. Consider this: i really want no more contact as i dont want to be as annoyed as i have been these last few days If you do decide to contact her, just tell her you are sorry that things didn't go well and that you agree that no contact is the best and you would prefer it if she respected your wishes not to be contacted in any way shape or form. I would wager that if she is playing a game with you, she'll panic and you'll hear from her shortly. If she isn't playing a game, then consider it a break - which is probably for the best, since she requested not to be contacted anyway. It could be that she was just looking for an excuse to break up with you. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 31, 2004 Author Share Posted December 31, 2004 It could be that she was just looking for an excuse to break up with you. Who knows? i thought it might have this too, she has hinted before at being so afraid of being in this relationship and it has come up in the past but i'm not 100% sure about this maybe doing nothing is the best bet, i won't beg or anything like that... been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! if i do write her a letter it is to return money i owe her and would explain that i didn't mean to hurt her and maybe i now see her perspective a lot more clearly i don't think she is playing a game this time, she done it before, i ignored her and she was on the phone the next day surely a girl wouldn't contact you after 2 months? has anyone ever heard of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 31, 2004 Author Share Posted December 31, 2004 what are the chances of her contacting me again? my instinct is saying close to zero! if i sent a letter sometime i'm not sure whether it would increase or decrease the chances as the letter would exlain a good deal about what i didn't talk about on boxing day its horrible to feel this way on NYE when its supposed to be the best night of your life going to go out and party anyway! drinking is a great escape mechanism! Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong what are the chances of her contacting me again? my instinct is saying close to zero! if i sent a letter sometime i'm not sure whether it would increase or decrease the chances as the letter would exlain a good deal about what i didn't talk about on boxing day its horrible to feel this way on NYE when its supposed to be the best night of your life going to go out and party anyway! drinking is a great escape mechanism! I am very sorry about all this. Unless she has found someone new, she will call you back if you use the NC rule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 31, 2004 Author Share Posted December 31, 2004 thanks Bronzepen, she definately hasn't found someone new, she like me wouldn't find somebody while being together so you are saying forget the letter then? my letter wouldn't ask for her to come back or anything, just a bit of communication on me not understanding her needs etc. i'm pretty sure she feels the same way i do tonight Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 today i really feel terrible, makes it worse when people say Happy New Year, first day of the year and i'm totally depressed it has been 3-4 days now of no contact and i really feel the urge to write her a letter is no contact really the best option here? why does anyone think she will contact me again anyhow? Link to post Share on other sites
backatone Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Ok, I can tell you this from experience. When I tried to get my ex back the first time around. I gave her gifts, letters and phone calls. Guess what? She gave me nothing. So, I only had one option. No contact. This was especially hard because I BROKE UP WITH HER in round 1. So, I kept telling myself that I need to get her back because I broke up with her. After about a month or 2 of no contact, I txted her one day and said how are you doing. That txt resulted in her CALLING me back. Now, I am back in the same boat and I was the one that was broke up with. You can be DAMN sure that she is not getting a call or letter or anything from me. Thats just not how it works. Dumper is the seeker. Dumpee is the desider. Meaning, I decide if I will take her back and I decide if I will move on. Of course the dumper decides the same but it is different. I can tell you from the past experiences, when I dumped her.........I FELT LIKE s***. I seeked her just to tell her sorry. So, if you are the dumpee and you FEEL that you did right in the relationship...........do not contact them. Its not your place. As, I am writing this I am about to go the gym and spike up some endorphins from working out. BETTER yourself and move on. If they come back, imagine the new person you will be. Thats pretty enpowering!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Dear Brain, I feel your pain. For me it is day 3 of NC, again. I find it really hard to accept that he did not even send me a text for New Year's Eve to wish me a happy new year. All around me at the party I was at, there were many single women who were all dumped by their men in the last year. Over the course of the evening one by one started texting or calling her guy to wish him a happy new year. I remained strong and did not contact him, but all the time I thought 'Is that really worth it? Why stick to NC? Especially if noone around me is?' Well, I did not call and now I am somewhat happy about that. After all he dumped me. If he thinks that his life is better without me, why should I try and contact him? Gotta have some pride here. So am right with you if you ask if NC is the best option. Dont have an answer to that unfortunately. As I said before I think you can send her a letter if in it you want to explain some things to her that you think she does not know or did not see. Besides that, dont contact her. Leave it up to her to contact you. I believe that if she really cares/cared about you she is going to contact you again. Just my 2 cents and what I would do in that situation. All the best and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 Gottabestrong, we didn't send each other a greeting either, it was extremely tough last night As I said before I think you can send her a letter if in it you want to explain some things to her that you think she does not know or did not see i think i will send her a letter, there are things i want to explain to her that she obviously doesn't know about, i know its contact but at least its one way contact I believe that if she really cares/cared about you she is going to contact you again i really think she did, only 4 days ago she told me she did and she loved me i think she freaked out and put her barriers up just like she said in the text message how on earth do you convince a girl that you won't hurt them? Link to post Share on other sites
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