Gottabestrong Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 By acting, not speaking. By staying the strong rock and shoulder to lean on, no matter what. But then again you can not convince someone that you wont hurt them, they have to take the leap of faith. I did, and got hurt after all. So she has to decide if she wants to take that leap or not. Good luck and keep us posted of what happens Link to post Share on other sites
GreenCap Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 This NC thing - I have tried contact and no contact and hasn't helped me one bit. When I tried contact, send presents, chat with her etc., she gets annoyed as I don't give her space. When I do give her space, she goes out and finds a guy and wants to marry him - they went on two week vacation to see his parents and her parents. Sometimes fate just ain't fair or God preempting a mistake on my part. Was going to propose in December. Anyway, good luck on what you do and I hope someone gets better luck than I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 By acting, not speaking. By staying the strong rock and shoulder to lean on, no matter what she told me on boxing day that actions speak louder than words and also the same morning i refused to let her hug me she told me the next day that she was for the first time going to hug me and tell me she loved me i have obviously really hurt her here and shes trying to protect herself thats why i think that never contacting her again may be the thing not to do Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 >thats why i think that never contacting her again may be the thing not to do> Yeah, dont disappear of the face of the earth to her without prior notice. Write her that letter you were talking about and in it tell her how you fell about her. Then wait for her to contact you. I really think that she still loves you but is just scared that you dont love her enough or are going to hurt her. Tell her how you feel and then let her contact you. When she does be loving and supportive and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Well as I previously posted - I think she was feeling unappreciated by you in general. And as she told you - the Christmas present was the last straw. You really screwed up pal - and now she's gone. But the good news is : I believe you stand a strong chance at reconciliation, and I recommend that you contact her. Do it in the form of a letter - just as you've said you've been wanting to do. Start by apologizing for being an insensitive pr*ick, and tell her how much you love her - but have been doing a really lousy job at showing it. Admit to her that you've made alot of mistakes - but now realize the importance of doing 'the little things' for each other, when in a committed relationship. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 well i have have made the decision of definately writing to her tomorrow jellybean, i think you have given me what i was originally looking for... the women's perspective on this i am going to pour my heart out and tell her all the things which i had held back in case i freaked her out i know some people will still say that no contact is the best option here but i've got to let her know what i want to say if she doesn't respond to my letter then no contact will probably be for the best i would love to believe the possibility of reconciliation and the strong chance jellybean says there is but i'm not feeling hopeful Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 i am going to pour my heart out and tell her all the things which i had held back in case i freaked her out i know some people will still say that no contact is the best option here but i've got to let her know what i want to say if she doesn't respond to my letter then no contact will probably be for the best Speak from your heart and she will know it is sincere and coming from a real good place. DO not hold back. Don't play games just be as honest as you can. If she still does not contact you, then atleast you said what needed to said and YOU will feel better and be able to have some closure and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 whichwayisup, i really appreciate your advice i really hope she will read my letter, i don't think she will contact me even after reading it ( if she does! ) i have got my mum to knit her a nice scarf and i will tell her this in the letter and i want her to accept it whatever happens there has been game playing in our relationship etc. even though we are 30/31 and there has been a breakdown in communication i just need to be completely honest with her, she was really hurt last week and i didn't listen to her and i realise now that i should have do you think a girl would respond to a male being completely honest and upfront? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 4, 2005 Author Share Posted January 4, 2005 well there it is done, i have sent the letter i wrote 5 pages of stuff, could have wrote a hundred but i had to close it somewhere she will receive it tomorrow i feel absolutely terrible today and terrible after sending it i have convinced myself that i will receive a text message tomorrow pleading for no more contact it is about one week since we last spoke, one week since she told me she loved me i desperately need to talk to somebody today Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 4, 2005 Author Share Posted January 4, 2005 i've got the desperate urge to jump in the car and go and visit her, i read a lot about if you want an ex back that this type of behaviour is counterproductive i'm dreading what i think will happened tomorrow... a text message pleading for no contact if this does indeed happen do you think i should still send her what should have been the proper christmas present? i had an anxiety attack today, it was the worst one i think i have ever felt i don't want to give myself false hopes, the reality of all this really dawned on me today! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 right today is another day and she must have received my letter today and hopefully read it today i am not as anxious but still hurt as bad, so thats some good news ( for today anyway ) there still has been NC from her yet i think i will send her the gifts as maybe at best she now nows that she was important to me and if anything else a goodbye present a male friend of mine told me i should visit her house but i don't think this is a good idea she is really hurting me by not contacting me how far should one go to chase an ex ( she must be the type ) in my predicament? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Dear BrainRightHeartWrong, I'm glad you sent her the letter. People advise that NC is the way to go, but I don't see that being the case in your situation - your breakup was not because of : betrayal, lying, cheating, fundamental differences, or abuse. I see nothing wrong with you making a last-ditch effort to save the relationship. If she doesn't respond to your letter in a timely manner, then you're going to have to conclude that it really is over, and you should not try to contact her again. I still have my fingers crossed for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Dear BRHW, I also think it is good that you sent that letter. If you wrote in it that you love her, realise your mistakes and would like another chance, then you did everything you can do, and it is in her hands now. Dont despair if she does not reply straight away. I thought about it last night and if my ex, who I desperately want back, would write me a letter saying all those things, I would take some time to think about it, and also to make sure that he has not changed his mind. Did you write in your letter that you would not contact her again, unless you heard from her? If not, then if a days went by without her replying to you, I would send her a text or email saying that you hope she got the letter and is doing good. I would recommend to do that, because she might want you to show her that you are serious, and that you dont mind chasing her for a while. But only do that if you did not write in your letter that you are not going to contact her again. She must be able to take everything you say as the truth. Also, if she replies and says something along the lines of 'leave me alone', dont contact her, but really leave her alone. She might need some time to make up her mind and maybe start missing you. All the best, hope you get your second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Dear jellybean & Gottabestrong, thanks again for the support, i really need it as i am completely heartbroken over her! Dont despair if she does not reply straight away. I thought about it last night and if my ex, who I desperately want back, would write me a letter saying all those things, I would take some time to think about it, and also to make sure that he has not changed his mind. I am just assuming the very worst although i just found out through the tracking service that the letter had only been delivered today so if i'm thinking rationally she wouldn't respond anytime soon I didn't write in the letter that i wouldn't contact her again unless i heard from her, however i said i was trying to respect her wishes of her asking for no contact! She might think i am serious when she receives her presents but that won't be until next week, so i don't expect to hear from her at all until then So you think i should send her a text soon saying did you get the letter or should i wait until after the presents have arrived? Also, if she replies and says something along the lines of 'leave me alone', dont contact her, but really leave her alone. She might need some time to make up her mind and maybe start missing you i have left her alone since 28th December, not a thing, i'm sort of expecting a text saying the same very soon as she is like this, but she might not have my number to send me one anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Sckott Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 My 3year relationship with a very loving girlfriend broke up on the 1st of this New Year. We met, found love slowly, started living together, did everything together, traveled. Suddenly, she took our relationship and her own curiosity of being indipendent again and the latter slowly weighed out. She went from moving out and still together, busy and can't be bothered, let's do things and celebrate the holidays, then the morning of the 1st, she said "Just go." I did nothing at all to provoke it. I hung on and was as mature as I could be. In some people's lives, there tends to be emotional problems that not only ruins good things, but it bends reality quite a bit for them and they just can't see things right, especially the way you do. Mixed signals and sudden irrational moves? You can have the best of intentions and it's no use. This happens with women, but I'm positive with alcaholism, it's worse with men. It really sounds to me that this girl has issues. As we all would like to get counciling and WORK IT OUT there are times where you feel better for not persuing. It just takes time to figure it out. As for me, I do care about this girl but it's clear to me that her life doesn't allow me to fit; no matter what I do, no matter who I become. The next guy for her may be nothing of what I invision and she may find herself even MORE confident to be alone, maybe for her life. As a friend I think it's sad, but while I'm maintaining NC there's nothing for me to do. So we move on. I wish the best for you, but I believe this one is best left. Find someone who you can have 50% more fun with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Sckott, i'm very sorry to hear your news, that is terrible! for you it sounds very final, but at least you know you can definately move on... as hard as it is! Your ex possibly fell out of love with you and used the excuse of "i want to be independent again", i had this with a girl once and she wasn't worth pursuing which i found out later! you may be right about my situation, my ex does have issues but i realise that so did i and i probably could have done a far better job with her in general although we had a row after 2 months together and she told me she is happier alone so maybe you do have a point, but i think if she really meant it we would have been finished there! I wish the best for you, but I believe this one is best left. Find someone who you can have 50% more fun with. thing is i can honestly and objectively say she is the best fun girlfriend i ever had, the others were far more serious than her Mixed signals and sudden irrational moves? this is probably how she felt i treated her over christmas and quite a bit in general Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 well here is my update... last Friday and Saturday we did sort of get back together she was shocked and surprised that i arrived at her house, she was delighted with the presents and she kissed and hugged me for hours we had a long discussion ( very very emotional ) and i discovered that both of us had been devastated for the past 2 weeks ( no sleep, no food etc. ) , she agreed to come down to my house the next day next day she is a bit iffy with me, 1/2 kissed me and told me how she knows how much she feels for me but couldn't see any future in it, so we talked about that and why that would be, i thought we resolved the issue somewhat she told me she would have never contacted me again if i didn't initiate the contact as she had moved on in her head and had to look at the future without me in it we spent the rest of the day being intimate, afterwards she talked again, said something feels wrong, i explained that after what has happened it is hard to go back to what we had within one day or so the next day she comes down again and explains how she would love to go back to what we had but she couldn't help her feelings, she told me she didn't realise i loved her until she read the letter a few days before so we spent hours together discussing what might happen, she couldn't say don't contact me ever again and she wants to know about important things that will happen including possible news of my grandmothers death ( she is currently dying! ) as she wants to go to the funeral she says she can't even deal with the thought of seeing me with another girl and how that would tear her apart we had to eventually kiss each other goodbye, she told me she loves me and fancies me like crazy, it was such a hard thing to do to say goodbye i think both of us are completely hard broken... what now? i can't help myself holding a candle for this girl, if i ever see her again i know i will have feelings for her and probably she will of me Link to post Share on other sites
Sckott Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 This reminds me so much of my recent relationship..... She's the type that cannot process love, deep emotions and emotional reponsibility. Once you show her some decency and comfort, she has a hard time trusting it, enjoying it, understanding it and being satisfied with it. She bolts no matter how painful it is for her AND you. She can love, but she cannot deeply process real love. With it comes responsibility; caring for someone, being there, commitment. This is NOT what you want. You want someone you can count on. You cannot count on her. She will pull parachute strings no matter if you're Don Juan for her. If you go back and back, I feel that you will only stirr her up more and you'll find worse hurt. You cannot make her better, even though that's what you want. She may even WANT commitment, but she cannot process it at this time, maybe not next time. This will be the hardest thing ever. Remember, it's not your fault. Do not miss the very person coming in your life that will love you back. Do not convince yourself that she's good for you. She's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 14, 2005 Author Share Posted January 14, 2005 maybe you're right Sckott, especially about the parachute strings! hopefully someday i'll recover from this and realise what you said was true! we did exchange a few texts last night though, i texted her just to check she was feeling a bit better, i was actually surprised she texted me back ( i woke her out of her sleep too but she said she didn't mind ), she said she was doing ok and is keeping busy with work and study, she also said that it was really the right thing to do between us ( breaking up ), i sent her one back agreeing with her on this then she sent 3 more back telling me how her family are doing and asking about mine what should i do now? just leave her and wish her happy birthday next month or do nothing at all? i'm crap at breakups, i really fall apart even though there is no purpose in feeling like this but it is a grieving process i suppose Link to post Share on other sites
Sckott Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 It is. And I'm going through the same. There is no right way for two good people to part. It shouldn't happen, but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 There is no right way for two good people to part. It shouldn't happen, but it does. this is very true Sckott and it is the one of the nastiest things in life just tonight the ex phones up and we speak for 2 hours, there isn't any total closure and we talked about how we don't really want to say our final goodbye to each other this comes after her sending me photos via text message ( she said she was really really drunk ), then panicking and apologising 8 times the next day via text and phoning me up so tonight she really shocked me when i heard her voice apologising again, i told her to forget about that incident, she explains how she felt terrible and doesn't want to put me through the mill anymore, i told her exactly how i felt, she told me how she felt... just the same as before she admitted to me tonight that her past experiences had a lot to do with us breaking up, i told her that she can't live in fear of a relationship ending and to abandon all those ghosts, we have to put all those past exes behind us and concentrate on us alone, no comparing or anything like that anyway i did try to get her to reconsider trying a relationship again but i kept getting rejected, i told her we had probably learned more about each other since we broke up than we did while together and with this new knowledge to try again really going to have to do NC now damn i feel terrible and the worst thing is i am feeling worse everyday now, not getting better! Link to post Share on other sites
Sckott Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I'm starting to feel better, actually. Here's how I did it: 1. Practice NC. For real. 2. Let your friends know you wanna do stuff mucho. 3. Try slowly to get back to what you used to do without her. See, you need to be able to let your emotions forget, not just in your mind. When there is hope, there is danger as well as possibility. If she continues to dangle, you might want to put a strict date in your head where you would like some emotional closure for yourself. This GF may just wanna quit you entirely, and that has nothing to do with you. It's very hard for two people to break up like this, seperate, ect. The path less confused is the path to less pain. This may be the make or break point. Just be aware there are other fish in the sea. ALWAYS take care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 27, 2005 Author Share Posted January 27, 2005 The path less confused is the path to less pain. This may be the make or break point. very very true, i have tried to convince myself she wasn't the one for me then tonight i looked at a photograph of her i am still totally in love with her, it is so hard to break an obsession with someone who once was your GF! a few weeks back i told her i'd send her a present i had my mother make her, it is finished now so i'm gonna send it anyhow as i am a man of my word, she didn't insist i didn't send it but maybe this is because she is just being polite and doesn't want to feel more guilty i also have a mad idea in my head of sending her a simple happy birthday text in 2 weeks arggg why am i doing this? am i still in the denial stage? we haven't spoke in 10 days and last time she called me it is so so hard to do this NC but i have done it so far! feeling worse everyday here with the whole thing instead of better! Link to post Share on other sites
Sckott Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 It still hurts me too, but for the long run, I feel a lot better than I did before. I really thought she would be the girl of my dreams too, but she had a lot of problems that I couldn't fix. Get yourself some company real soon. Hang out, do other things, one day at a time. Hey, to boot, I'm under 23" of snow and I haven't been to work almost all week. How I get by is amazing to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 27, 2005 Author Share Posted January 27, 2005 Get yourself some company real soon. Hang out, do other things, one day at a time. cheers, i always kept my friends and seperate life with them during relationships so they are all still around although i'm still not myself at all, a terrible lack of motivation despite having a lot still to do i am unemployed, live by myself so its very very hard here, i do work on the side but due to weather and other circumstances i haven't worked in 4 - 5 weeks... its a horrible feeling, i don't know how i get by either except you just still have to breathe! I really thought she would be the girl of my dreams too, but she had a lot of problems that I couldn't fix. yeah its important we remind ourselves of this and stop blaming ourselves ... my ex maybe had commitment issues and emotional baggage from 12 years ago!!!! despite my efforts to resolve this it was fruitless... she told me she thought i was going to dump her at christmas etc. etc. and couldn't live again with such pain... all of this in her imagination hopefully someday i feel better but it won't come soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts