Should I tell that I cheated?

[totellornot]

I have been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. We broke up a while back and got back together. I cheated on him with a mutual friend. It started off as many stories around here. We got very close as friends and I was attracted to him. I should have known better. Our flirtation lasted several months and it eventually got out of hand and we have slept together for about a week.

 

I have had many doubts with my boyfriend but I do love him very much. I want to be with him. I have read a lot about what to do. I would argue most would say to confess to him and let him make a decision about what he wants to do. I have faith that I will never do it again and will cut the other man out completely. I know the issues in the relationship and am working on openly discussing them and improving them.

 

He has come from a family that buries things under the rug and has never wanted to talk about serious things. I know this would crush him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would not want to know and would want me to deal with it and make the changes needed for him and I to be happy. I am thinking of getting him into couples' counseling with me to tell him there.

 

I am looking for advice on all ends. If you've cheated and told or cheated and kept it a secret-- how did that go? If you've been cheated on do you wish you had been told?

 

Thank you.

[crederer]

If I were him, I'd want to know.

[totellornot]

If I were him, I'd want to know.

 

What is the best way to tell him? I want to wait until after the holidays so I don't ruin them. I also think it might be best to put a bit of time between it and have it not be as fresh, i.e. make sure the other guy is totally out of the picture.

 

Do you think the couple's counseling is a bad idea or place to tell him?

[crederer]

Well, for me personally, I'd want to know right away. And it's kind of insulting to have to go to couples therapy in order for you to get the courage to tell him about it.

 

If I were him (and I have been in his shoes), I'd want you to sit down and tell me exactly what happened with no sugar coating.

 

Aaaaaand it's probably going to get a bit ugly but he deserves the truth.

 

However, if my girl told me about it while in therapy I'd probably be pretty pissed, to be perfectly honest.

[CherryT]

As someone who has been cheated on before, tell him.

 

Cheating, to me, is a selfish trait. Because you thought about what you wanted at that time and didn't think or care about how it would affect him. This would probably be more painful because you cheated on him for a week… it wasn't just a one time thing.

 

I could never imagine myself being with anyone else but my F. The thought of that makes me sick so I'm not sure how it feels to be in your position. But if I did something like that it would eat me alive. I could not sleep in the same bed with the man I love knowing what I did. Keeping it a secret would NOT be an option for me. I would be extremely remorseful and ashamed of my actions. I would consider how long you wait before you tell him… because when my ex cheated on me, I didn't know for awhile. And knowing that he could keep that a secret, showed me the kind of character he had.

 

If I wanted any chance of reconciliation or forgiveness, I would think I need to prove that I am not selfish and would not let my selfishness dictate my behaviour again. By at least showing that, you should give him the chance to make up his own mind about who you are and whether he can see past that.

Edited November 27, 2013 by CherryT

[fixing]

You should tell him and be prepared for him to end it with you. You made the decision to betray him so its all your fault, not his. He deserves to know the truth. If you dont, then your relationship is nothing but a lie.

I was cheated on, and i only found out because she left her facebook open on my laptop, and the dirty secrets where there in plain view in her inbox.

If she had come to me with the truth instead of hiding it, i MAY, MAYBE, could have forgiven it down the road (Doubtful as cheating destroys everything)

but he deserves to the know the truth and you have to accept responsibility and the outcome of your actions.

[d0nnivain]

When did this happen? If in your 5 year relationshipm it happened 4 years ago, I don't know that I'd confess. If you were with the other person during one of your "breaks" from this relationship, it wasn't cheating. You can tell him you were with this other person but don't label yourself a cheater.

 

You also need to know your own end goal before you start the conversation. Are you done? Do you want to break up? That's one conversation. It goes something like this: As much as I care about you & thought we could make this work, it's not working. I realized just how far gone it is when I was with ________ the other day. I'm sorry but we're over.

 

Do you hope to salvage this relationship? That's another. I don't know how to tell you this. I made a huge mistake. I know that now & I'm really sorry. But you need to know the truth. I was with __________ . I was upset, angry, lonely & we were fighting. I didn't set out for it to happen. It will never happen again but I can't live a lie. I've broken it off with him. How can I make it up to you? I really want us to work.

Edited November 27, 2013 by d0nnivain

[aliveagain]

What kind of relationship can you have if it has infidelity and deceit as a foundation? You can never control O/M to keep the secret, if he is willing to bang a friends 5 year girlfriend who knows what he is capable of. What do you think will happen if you marry him and he learns about your infidelity? Honesty and trust are two of the biggest components of a relationship, you and O/M have both failed him miserably(I assume O/M is a good friend of his). This wasn't a drunken one night stand, you did this consciously and with intent. If you knew it would crush him why did you still do it? You have faith that you will never do it again, B/S, did you ever think you would cheat in the first place? Yet here you are, tell the truth, because the pain will be the same now or 20 years from now. Is this who you are?

[sun1972]

When did this happen? If in your 5 year relationshipm it happened 4 years ago, I don't know that I'd confess. If you were with the other person during one of your "breaks" from this relationship, it wasn't cheating. You can tell him you were with this other person but don't label yourself a cheater.

 

You also need to know your own end goal before you start the conversation. Are you done? Do you want to break up? That's one conversation. It goes something like this: As much as I care about you & thought we could make this work, it's not working. I realized just how far gone it is when I was with ________ the other day. I'm sorry but we're over.

 

Do you hope to salvage this relationship? That's another. I don't know how to tell you this. I made a huge mistake. I know that now & I'm really sorry. But you need to know the truth. I was with __________ . I was upset, angry, lonely & we were fighting. I didn't set out for it to happen. It will never happen again but I can't live a lie. I've broken it off with him. How can I make it up to you? I really want us to work.

 

I agree with this

 

if you cheated while with him and not on a break... and it was recentish then definitely tell him

 

if you were on a break, you didnt cheat

 

if it was years and years ago, and your happy now- i am going against the grain but what is gained dragging it up now?

[Chi townD]

He may know that something is up. He may not know EXACTLY what happened, but he notices a change in you. And that would be your guilt. He's been with you 5 years. He knows you well enough to know when there's a big elephant in the room.

 

And here's the rub. You don't even know you're doing it.

[totellornot]

To answer the questions about when-- it was very recent. I am thinking it might be better to wait a little while. It might be better in the sense to make sure the other guy is totally out of the picture and I make things clear and to perhaps make it through the holidays first.

 

He is the type of guy to not want to talk about things. I simply think if I say that I cheated there is a high probability that he might not ask questions about what kind of cheating, with who, etc. Should I volunteer information or just simply say that I cheated and apologize?

 

I do want to be with him and work things out. I know I was terribly selfish and cannot offer a good excuse. No matter how upset I get, how bad things were/are in the relationship, whatever he does.. I fully recognize there is no good excuse for my actions and I am not looking for one. It's difficult because I know he is used to not talking about things. There is a huge part of me that thinks I should live with this guilt and do whatever is needed to make things better and that telling him is only me being selfish.

[d0nnivain]

If it's recent get the other guy out of the picture ASAP or break up with your BF. Come clean but vaguely, not too many details. Why pour salt in the wound? If your BF asks, be honest but I don't think there's a reason to volunteer too much if you are sincerely sorry & it won't happen again.

[Clay]

To answer the questions about when-- it was very recent. I am thinking it might be better to wait a little while. It might be better in the sense to make sure the other guy is totally out of the picture and I make things clear and to perhaps make it through the holidays first.

 

He is the type of guy to not want to talk about things. I simply think if I say that I cheated there is a high probability that he might not ask questions about what kind of cheating, with who, etc. Should I volunteer information or just simply say that I cheated and apologize?

 

I do want to be with him and work things out. I know I was terribly selfish and cannot offer a good excuse. No matter how upset I get, how bad things were/are in the relationship, whatever he does.. I fully recognize there is no good excuse for my actions and I am not looking for one. It's difficult because I know he is used to not talking about things. There is a huge part of me that thinks I should live with this guilt and do whatever is needed to make things better and that telling him is only me being selfish.

 

 

This is where you have to give up control and own your mistake. You have to tell your Boyfriend now. Not wait. The longer you wait the less chance you will have him staying with you. You need to give him the right to make a choice in your relationship. I get you feel bad but if you really want to be a decent person EVER. you have to do this now.

 

I am sorry you put yourself in this spot. It sounds like your trying to do the right thing now. Please for his sake deal with this now.

 

Clay

[aliveagain]

Just read Sophie's post about not confessing right away, see how it's turned out for her. The longer you wait the more calculated it will appear. You need to be No Contact with other man immediately or are you waiting to see how your boyfriend reacts, is O/M your back up?

[totellornot]

Just read Sophie's post about not confessing right away, see how it's turned out for her. The longer you wait the more calculated it will appear. You need to be No Contact with other man immediately or are you waiting to see how your boyfriend reacts, is O/M your back up?

 

I will next week. I think tonight is too mean right before Thanksgiving. I don't want Thanksgiving to always be associated with it. Ugh. I am going to go NC immediately-- going to tell him to leave me alone. :\

[aliveagain]

I will next week. I think tonight is too mean right before Thanksgiving. I don't want Thanksgiving to always be associated with it. Ugh. I am going to go NC immediately-- going to tell him to leave me alone. :\

 

Do a No Contact letter to O/M, have it in writing so you can show your boyfriend that you really did break it off and it is you that is doing it. It will help him believe you chose him over O/M. Send the letter today.

[totellornot]

Do a No Contact letter to O/M, have it in writing so you can show your boyfriend that you really did break it off and it is you that is doing it. It will help him believe you chose him over O/M. Send the letter today.

 

Here is what I am curious about.. I have mentioned it a few times before in this thread but he really isn't the type of guy to talk about things.. he didn't want to know about whether I dated during our previous break..

 

I was simply going to tell him that I cheated and explain how sorry I am, how I am willing to change, etc. Should I tell him what I mean by cheating-- i.e. emotional, physical? Should I be specific? Should I tell him with who? If he asks I will, but when I initially tell him I thought I would just say I cheated and that if he wants to know the details he can ask. I don't want to tell him more than he wants to know since he can then never "un-know" those things.

[Under The Radar]

If the OM was not a mutual friend I'd say don't give him the details. However, the nature of the relationship, and how recently it happened, warrants full disclosure, IMO ...... and yes, you are correct that it will crush him.

 

You say you are going NC with the OM, but he is a mutual friend. Like another poster said you cannot control what he says and does. What if he outs the both of you? It will be worse if your boyfriend finds out from someone else.

 

Moreover, how disrespectful would it be for your boyfriend to hang out with the mutual friend in the future not knowing the betrayal he inflicted on their relationship. I know it's complicated for you (especially with the holidays), but if it were me I'd want to have that information.

[Chi townD]

Even though he might not be the kind of guy that asks a lot of questions and doesn't pry too much. One thing for certain, you will see the pain in his eyes and that's going to be real.

 

Some folks want full disclosure, some don't. Whatever he wants, you give it to him. Be completely honest and don't hold anything back. Even if you know it's going to cause a lot more pain for him to hear. Because, if he finds out later that you were withholding information from him or lied to him again to try and protect his feelings, it won't bode well for you.

 

And above all else, do NOT blame him for anything. Don't try to feed him some BS like, you aren't around much anymore, there's distance between us. You don't make me feel special, you're always working. We never do anything together anymore......blah....blah.....

 

That's called blameshifting. The point of the matter, you made a choice to cheat, that's 100% on you. He had nothing to do with that decision, it was all you.

[fixing]

Was it with a mutual friend or am i wrong? If so, that is as low as you can go. Think of the humiliation your bf will feel, knowing that you and O/M smiled in his face when behind closed doors, you both....

 

Anyway, i think you got to tell him straight up, you cheated, full disclosure, dont beat around the bush. He will ask you the details, and you need to give him them all 100%.

Just know, that you are doing the right thing. As much as i despise cheaters, i do have respect for you, by taking this step to make a mends.

 

I feel very sorry for him though when he finds out.

[totellornot]

It is a mutual friend-- or rather he knows the guy. The guy has always been more friends with me. I am 100% sure that he wouldn't find out and this guy would disappear if when I say the words. I know you never know but I am almost certain it could be buried under the rug and we could live a happy life (which is the part of me that thinks I deserve to live with this guilt).

[totellornot]

What do you think of expressing it in a letter? I am not good at vocalizing things at times and think I could better articulate my love for him. I could hand it to him and sit while he reads it and then answer whatever questions he has. Is this me being a coward? I thought it would be helpful in making sure I get everything out there.

[drifter777]

I know you never know but I am almost certain it could be buried under the rug and we could live a happy life (which is the part of me that thinks I deserve to live with this guilt).

Neither of you will live a happy life with this buried under the rug. My God - how naive can a person be? It is utterly ridicules because emotions cannot be corked up forever. They are going to simmer until he explodes. Is this what you want?

 

If you don't tell him you seem like the kind of person who is going to agonize with guilt so you probably won't be able to put it off much longer. Waiting until after the holidays is a bad idea and I'll tell you why. In High School my first real love broke up with me after nearly 2 years together. It was hell, but the fact that she waited until after Prom to tell me was an extra dagger she shoved into my back. She pretended everything was ok until then - she led me on and lied for weeks. That one thing is the most dominant memory I have of her and I - and that is really sad. Maybe he won't feel the same as I did but you shouldn't risk hurting him more than you have to.

Edited November 27, 2013 by drifter777

[ThatMan]

I know you never know but I am almost certain it could be buried under the rug and we could live a happy life (which is the part of me that thinks I deserve to live with this guilt).

 

No. You don't know this at all. What exactly do you want? What do you want in your future? Healthy, fun, and passionate relationships require LOVE and RESPECT and PATIENCE. If you choose to remain silent and say nothing then the one thing you know for sure is that you'll live with the guilt. Your boyfriend will live with the confusion and resentment of believing something's up without putting a finger on it. The only future you'll enjoy is a ****ty relationship filled with pain. Is that really what you want for yourself?

 

 

What do you think of expressing it in a letter? I am not good at vocalizing things at times and think I could better articulate my love for him. I could hand it to him and sit while he reads it and then answer whatever questions he has. Is this me being a coward? I thought it would be helpful in making sure I get everything out there.

I think a letter is a good idea. I don't think you should wait another day though. If you have the time to talk with strangers about your problems you have the time to make a rough draft right this moment. You shouldn't make excuses for yourself to not do this. Don't put it off.

[Under The Radar]

I think writing it in a letter would be perfectly fine. Hand him the letter and sit nearby while he reads it. Then, as you said, you could answer any and all questions he may have. I too, do not condone cheating, but (as another poster said) I respect you for trying to do the right thing here.

 

What do you think of expressing it in a letter? I am not good at vocalizing things at times and think I could better articulate my love for him. I could hand it to him and sit while he reads it and then answer whatever questions he has. Is this me being a coward? I thought it would be helpful in making sure I get everything out there.