Should I tell that I cheated?

[Chi townD]

You're right. We ALL make mistakes. Some minor ones and some huge ones. However, your mistake will have consequences to it that you may not like.

 

I think you'll understand the moment you tell him what you've done. I think you'll truly get it then.

[aliveagain]

I have been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. We broke up a while back and got back together. I cheated on him with a mutual friend. It started off as many stories around here. We got very close as friends and I was attracted to him. I should have known better. Our flirtation lasted several months and it eventually got out of hand and we have slept together for about a week.

 

I have had many doubts with my boyfriend but I do love him very much. I want to be with him. I have read a lot about what to do. I would argue most would say to confess to him and let him make a decision about what he wants to do. I have faith that I will never do it again and will cut the other man out completely. I know the issues in the relationship and am working on openly discussing them and improving them.

 

He has come from a family that buries things under the rug and has never wanted to talk about serious things. I know this would crush him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would not want to know and would want me to deal with it and make the changes needed for him and I to be happy. I am thinking of getting him into couples' counseling with me to tell him there.

 

I am looking for advice on all ends. If you've cheated and told or cheated and kept it a secret-- how did that go? If you've been cheated on do you wish you had been told?

 

Thank you.

 

 

Please read the bold words you wrote in your first posting. You are in a five year relationship with the man you love, you cheat on him with someone he knows even though you know it will crush him. You flirted with this friend for months, no accident or mistake because you could have stopped it at any time before you decided to do the dirty with him. You had sex with him many times(only you know that number but it's more than once) over a one week period, again not a mistake because you had to lie and deceive your boyfriend as to where you really were in order to be in a bed with your mutual friend. You state that you would argue that most would tell you to confess, so why are you really here? Let me give you two responses and you pick the one that is really you.

 

First Choice.....Girl, he will never find out and you have all those amazing memories of you and mutual friend to look back on when your relationship gets a little boring in the future. Every time your boyfriend piss's you off you'll remember how you wrapped your legs around O/M and that will help you get through the anger. It's fun to have secrets and it will always remind you of had naughty you can be if you want to be. By not busting O/M you will always have him as a side piece if you want some strange and your feeling naughty again. Having attention from two men is great and who really gives a sh*t if he can never find out, technically your not hurting him if he doesn't know. Take the secret to your grave, you deserve all the attention from men you can get.

 

Second Choice.....I will never feel good about myself by hiding the truth from him. Marriages with infidelity as their foundation rarely work. This is not who I am, it's too big a secret to keep from the man I love. I will always know, who am I really lying to? I know what I have to do but am afraid. I need to get professional help so this never happens again. There is only one right thing to do, I'm tired of making the wrong choices. The burden of this secret is too big to carry for the rest of my life, look at me after just a few weeks, I want my relationship to work, lying can never be a part of it, I love him too much.

[Realist3]

I'll bet dollars to donuts that if you tell your bf you cheated he will no longer be your bf. Your choice.

[violet1]

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

 

Ok OP, stop worrying about what other people think. A lot of people on forums like this are in a lot of pain because of their own experiences. They lash out at posters to make themselves feel better. You know your feelings and situation s better then anyone here. I do agree with you. Although, cheating is a choice it certainly can become a mistake and regret if the person is truly sorry. The definition of a mistake is an action or judgement that is misguided or wrong. Locking your keys in your car is an example of an accident not mistake. Accidents are unintentional and unexpected. I do see that you feel like you screwed up. You were not caught and instead of pretending like nothing happened, you came here asking for advice. You have to remember that there are good and bad consequences to every choice we make in life no matter how we feel. It's possible your relationship will end because of this choice you made. Your chances of making it work are higher if you tell him than if you don't though.

 

Let's get back to you. Have you made an appointment to see a therapist? If not, I strongly suggest you do. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you did what you did. A therapist can help you figure out the best way to tell him. I really do wish you the best. Again, the fact you came here asking for help speaks volumes about your character. No matter what happens in your relationship, learn from it. This is what life is all about, living and learning.

[violet1]

I'll bet dollars to donuts that if you tell your bf you cheated he will no longer be your bf. Your choice.

 

I am not always for telling per se. However, the fact that the OM is a mutual friend, it's very likely the bf will find out one way or another. In her case, it's better for her to tell. Now if it was a one night stand with a stranger than I would definitely be on the do not tell side.

[violet1]

another cheater from the fairer sex.

 

Another poster lashing out because of

his or her own pain.

[Editbee]

I don't understand how can anyone love someone while at the same time cheat on them multiple times. I think they are just infatuated or like their company but definitely not in love.

[Realist3]

I am not always for telling per se. However, the fact that the OM is a mutual friend, it's very likely the bf will find out one way or another. In her case, it's better for her to tell. Now if it was a one night stand with a stranger than I would definitely be on the do not tell side.

 

I think the thing she has to work out is why she did it in the first place. She says it was just recently and for a week.

 

He may very well find out since it was a mutual friend. IMO, if he finds out through her directly or someone else, it is over.

[ThatMan]

I don't understand how can anyone love someone while at the same time cheat on them multiple times.

Right...

We are not mind readers. But she clearly made a choice to treat her spouse anything but a boyfriend. It's wrong on so many levels to dismiss her own actions as a mistake. It's very important to take ownership of our actions, even if we regret it. Until she learns to be open, honest, and respectful her relationship with him will be so miserable...

 

I really have to wonder if she's written and shared a letter... If she does not her 'boyfriend' who she 'loves' will probably make the choice to leave her. Beyond the affair itself, she demonstrates the complete lack of traits described above. Confronting herself and her own decisions is the first step in building something together with a man she loves while fostering healthy behaviors.

[bubbaganoosh]

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

 

 

First of all, waiting is only going to make it harder. Put it off today, then the next day and sooner or later he'll find out on his own. I know it wont be an easy thing to do but it needs to be done.

 

What I don't understand and no doubt your man of very few words wont understand is if you love him so much then why did you cheat on him? He will ask you that question. He may ask you this question too. You did it more than one time with this guy so it wasn't one of those "Whoops. My bad" one time things so why weren't you thinking about how much you loved him when you were having sex with another guy? Then the kicker. He's friends with this guy and may ask you how you can do that with one of our friends? All in all your lack of thinking will really put a crimp in this relationship. Think your hurting? Nothing compared to what's in store for him.

[violet1]

I don't understand how can anyone love someone while at the same time cheat on them multiple times. I think they are just infatuated or like their company but definitely not in love.

 

I think in the OPs case, it's as simple as she put herself in a bad spot. It's natural to be attracted to other people. Since she was attracted to the friend, she should have been avoiding him and limiting conversations. Cheating is not always about not being in love with your partner. We all have weaknesses, but when we don't recognize them that's when bad things happen. For example, some people get super flirty and a bit promiscuous when drunk. These types of people should not be going to parties or bars without their SO. I've been cheated on and it definitely destroyed me, but as soon as I realized it wasn't about me I was able to heal. Cheating is rarely a jab or attack on the betrayed person. It's more about selfishness and putting yourself in bad situations IMO.

[aliveagain]

Please read in "Infidelity" a thread started by Sofie2013, identical situation as you, woman cheated with a friend of theirs, didn't tell her husband for a few months, he found out and served her immediately. He already knew and waited for her to disclose her affair, she didn't. He even called her hotel room and O/M answered yet her husband said nothing about it. Decide for yourself if you think not telling him is the best thing for you. Lying and being deceitful to your spouse will only ever end one way, your just fooling yourself if you think your situation is unique. All you have to do is look at the 10's of thousands of members on this site to know it never ends well. Some of the people telling you to keep the secret are still cheating on their wives or husbands, their D Day hasn't happened yet. I doubt they will give you the same advice when their homeless or sitting in an empty apartment without the one's they love.

 

Sofie2012 thread is "Had an affair, husband found out, I disclosed and he filed for divorce."

Edited November 30, 2013 by aliveagain

[Chi townD]

I think in the OPs case, it's as simple as she put herself in a bad spot. It's natural to be attracted to other people. Since she was attracted to the friend, she should have been avoiding him and limiting conversations. Cheating is not always about not being in love with your partner. We all have weaknesses, but when we don't recognize them that's when bad things happen. For example, some people get super flirty and a bit promiscuous when drunk. These types of people should not be going to parties or bars without their SO. I've been cheated on and it definitely destroyed me, but as soon as I realized it wasn't about me I was able to heal. Cheating is rarely a jab or attack on the betrayed person. It's more about selfishness and putting yourself in bad situations IMO.

 

 

Bad spot my ass. Sure, you can put yourself in a bad spot, but you still have the capacity to make the right choice. That's the key word "choice". She made the choice to cheat on her boyfriend. No one else influenced her on that choice. It's one she made for herself.

 

So, you can't blame it on her being in a "bad spot". She made a bad choice.

[Under The Radar]

Bad spot my ass. Sure, you can put yourself in a bad spot, but you still have the capacity to make the right choice. That's the key word "choice". She made the choice to cheat on her boyfriend. No one else influenced her on that choice. It's one she made for herself.

 

So, you can't blame it on her being in a "bad spot". She made a bad choice.

 

 

I agree with you, but a bad choice doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person. Her choice will likely end the relationship. I hope someday she will be able to forgive herself even if her boyfriend cannot.

[aliveagain]

I guess the choice that totellornot really made was to end her relationship. The choice to cheat was the ending to what was their relationship. What ever they have now has yet to be determined, their relationship is still on life support, the only thing left to do is pull the plug. Keeping it alive by lying and deceiving him even more is not a relationship.

[totellornot]

I disagree that I chose to end my relationship. I made a very poor decision though. I chose to be selfish, to betray his trust and to lie. I did indeed choose those things and will face the consequences. I don't know why cheating has to automatically end a relationship and I have a hope that this will not be the case for me. It is tough because I do sincerely think that I could continue on with him without him ever knowing and eventually I could learn to forgive myself and work on the relationship issues and that him and I could have a strong and happy relationship. (I know several of you have said that if it comes up 20 years from now that it would invalidate our lives together, etc. but I do not think that would be the case with him.) I know every situation is different but I think I know him pretty well. I will tell him but am again waiting for a more appropriate time. We are still in the midst of family and holiday related activities and I do not think it is appropriate to bring it up now.

 

It is so easy to sit on the other side as someone who has never cheated (or as I imagine many of you on here as someone who was cheated on) and to make harsh criticisms and remarks toward cheaters. Every case is of course not the same and there are many reasons for cheating-- which a lot boil down to selfishness. It is easy to say that I never thought I would be this person--- because I did never indeed think that. That probably sounds like a cop-out sentence and like something everyone says who gets involved. I could list many reasons why it got to this point, why I did it, why I justified it to myself at the time but I know they will not matter. Sure him and I have our relationship issues (some major) but my cheating is not going to solve them and is no way justified.

 

I am spending some time apart from him in the coming months due to work related things. This part frightens me the most. I don't think he would revenge cheat (although perhaps I would deserve it), however, I do worry about not being around him right after telling him. I want to be there to show I can be honest, to show how sorry I am, to be an open book. I am trying to justify in my head pushing back telling him until I can be around him and have more of a track record to show there has been "x" amount of time and I have been working toward things. I know the sooner the better but this is all so convoluted right now.

[totellornot]

I also wanted to say that I do recognize that I have many of my own mental demons and issues to battle since I say that I could and think him and I could live happily if it was never discussed. I know it isn't healthy for me to find ways to justify my actions (although maybe healthy in the sense that it is a defense mechanism). But for him and I to have a truly healthy relationship I know I need to come to terms with what I have done and bring it to light with him.

[Under The Radar]

I also wanted to say that I do recognize that I have many of my own mental demons and issues to battle since I say that I could and think him and I could live happily if it was never discussed. I know it isn't healthy for me to find ways to justify my actions (although maybe healthy in the sense that it is a defense mechanism). But for him and I to have a truly healthy relationship I know I need to come to terms with what I have done and bring it to light with him.

 

 

This is why I hope someday you CAN forgive yourself, and yes, I believe part of that journey begins with full disclosure.

 

Do not trivialize the issues that your relationship had before you cheated. I'm not saying that a couple's problems warrant infidelity (that's not true, nor my stance), but it is definitely a sign of something missing in the relationship.

 

You need to ask yourself over the next several months (or years) why you chose to cheat rather than talk to him about these problems.

[aliveagain]

Up until you cheated, what would you have done if you found out your boyfriend of 5 years was flirting with a friend for months and than slept with her every night for the last week? Really, what would you have done? How would you feel knowing her head is resting on his arm as they cuddle under the sheets after a major workout together? Would you want to know because your going to spend the rest of your life with him, maybe have children together. If he was capable of keeping such a big secret from you what else is he capable of doing? Would you be worried he'd do it again if you forgive him?

[ThatMan]

I did indeed choose those things and will face the consequences. I don't know why cheating has to automatically end a relationship and I have a hope that this will not be the case for me.

 

Hi there,

Please think about what you've expressed above and the meaning behind your consequences. The most important consequence of all is to face yourself and your own choices. You are in a position to learn how to lead a healthier and happier life. You can be both comfortable and secure with yourself. This is an opportunity for you to grow but only if you choose to put in the work. And although it may be difficult, and it will change the aspects of your current relationship, it isn't hopeless. You are the common denominator in any relationship. Whether or not your spouse accepts you, you'll always be there. Remember that and continue addressing the issue. Because if you do not work on yourself, you'll never get this relationship business working, with anyone. You owe it to yourself to look very seriously into a mirror and make changes.

 

 

 

It is tough because I do sincerely think that I could continue on with him without him ever knowing and eventually I could learn to forgive myself and work on the relationship issues and that him and I could have a strong and happy relationship. (I know several of you have said that if it comes up 20 years from now that it would invalidate our lives together, etc. but I do not think that would be the case with him.) I know every situation is different but I think I know him pretty well.

 

You.

What you think.

What you believe.

Everything you shared is about you.

What about him?

Does your spouse and his thoughts and feelings even matter to you?

 

Not everything is about you. Your spouse deserves the opportunity to love you as you are. You would rob him of that opportunity through silence. Relationships cannot ever succeed on the basis of fear and lies of omission. You will set the foundation for how the two of you will continue interacting on normal days with the affair out of sight. You'll be miserable.

 

 

I will tell him but am again waiting for a more appropriate time. We are still in the midst of family and holiday related activities and I do not think it is appropriate to bring it up now.

 

I think you are making another terrible decision. You do not think it to be appropriate? Your spouse would not think your behavior is appropriate. You need to accept that and face this. Should you wait until after the holidays, your spouse is likely to suffer and associate a special time of year with your lies and silence, forever. If you tell him now he'll have the opportunity, albeit later in life, to appreciate your honesty with him. Otherwise, there is *nothing* positive for this man to acknowledge later in life to help him heal.

 

 

 

It is so easy to sit on the other side as someone who has never cheated (or as I imagine many of you on here as someone who was cheated on) and to make harsh criticisms and remarks toward cheaters.

Excuse you!

 

I've been nothing but thoughtful and respectful. I'm sincere in my efforts to provide a different perspective to help you. You've no idea what my own experiences are. There is actually very little criticisms in this discussion. You've made a ****ty choice and you're been called out on it and held accountable. Maybe you've gone through life with a different model of the world: but you are accountable for your actions. You need to face that or nothing will ever change.

 

 

Sure him and I have our relationship issues (some major) but my cheating is not going to solve them and is no way justified.

There's always a healthier way. Each day you have something to learn about yourself. Changes begin here with this statement you've made. And here:

 

I also wanted to say that I do recognize that I have many of my own mental demons and issues to battle since I say that I could and think him and I could live happily if it was never discussed. I know it isn't healthy for me to find ways to justify my actions (although maybe healthy in the sense that it is a defense mechanism). But for him and I to have a truly healthy relationship I know I need to come to terms with what I have done and bring it to light with him.

You deserve to be happy and I hope you conquer those demons one day. Best of luck to your future...

The changes you make for yourself are up to up. Please put in the hard work and determination to be a better person.

Edited November 30, 2013 by ThatMan

[strongnrelaxed]

I cheated when we were dating 25 years ago. She held it against me every day since. Interestingly she married me. It all makes sense now why though.

 

Her brother cheats like there is a firesale on ass. Prostitutes, cleaning ladies, and stippers. He never tells and it still married.

 

My other brother in law cheated on his wife. She caught him almost red handed. Cell phone bills, trips out of the country to see her - he denies it to this day. Sill married.

 

I could list a number of people who tell. It is always advised that a man should tell and that a woman should lie. This is just a cultural norm.

 

If you tell, it will be a life sentence and you will suffer greatly. If you have children, they too will ultimately suffer if you tell. Your partner will hold it against you and hold you accountable sooner or later.

 

Mine did.

 

She ultimately cheated on me and I left her. She should have never married me and I should never have caved into the pressure to marry.

 

The cheating, the marriage, the proposal, the engagement, the ceremony, the babies, the telling her the truth - all my fault 100%. I deserve everything I get for these massive mistakes.

 

I just wish my children did not have to suffer along with me.

 

Moral of the story is this - do not cheat. Moral number 2. If you do cheat, get the f&*k out NOW while you can and never look back. You screwed up and need to end this. Never ever tell her the real reason.

 

Do not listen to anyone here trying to trick you into telling her. She would never EVER tell you I can guarantee that. The less faithful she is, the more of an angel she will appear. The less faithful she is, the most suspicious she will be of you. This is by design.

 

You have been warned. Never tell, just end it.

[Spectre]

The definition of a mistake is an action or judgement that is misguided or wrong. Locking your keys in your car is an example of an accident not mistake. Accidents are unintentional and unexpected. I do see that you feel like you screwed up.

 

Look: however you want to spin it: you do not go and mistakenly remove your clothes and have sex with another man for an entire week. THESE ARE NOT MISTAKES. These are choices. These are only written off as mistakes in the lands of crazy people.

 

You have to remember that there are good and bad consequences to every choice we make in life no matter how we feel.

 

Yep, the only good consequence here is to tell this guy so he can go find a person who truly respects him, since the OP is obviously not this person.

[Spectre]

I disagree that I chose to end my relationship. I made a very poor decision though. I chose to be selfish, to betray his trust and to lie.

 

You did a lot more to him then all you just listed.

 

I don't know why cheating has to automatically end a relationship

 

This is a joke, right? Tell me it is. That is like me willingly putting my hand into a pot of scalding hot water and then saying "Gee I do not know why this scalding hot water had to burn me!".

 

It is tough because I do sincerely think that I could continue on with him without him ever knowing and eventually I could learn to forgive myself and work on the relationship issues and that him and I could have a strong and happy relationship.

 

That fact that you could learn to forgive yourself whilst lying to your partner every day pretty much tells everyone here about the type of person you are.

 

 

(I know several of you have said that if it comes up 20 years from now that it would invalidate our lives together, etc. but I do not think that would be the case with him.)

 

You don't think that would be the case? That is ok, because that would be the case whether or not you think it is. Also again the fact that you feel that wouldn't be the case speaks VOLUMES.

 

I will tell him but am again waiting for a more appropriate time. We are still in the midst of family and holiday related activities and I do not think it is appropriate to bring it up now.

 

Bunk, tell him right away do not use holiday's as an excuse not to tell. It is NEVER a good time to find out you have been cheated on. So sorry, if you keep looking for the "right time" you will never find it.

 

It is so easy to sit on the other side as someone who has never cheated (or as I imagine many of you on here as someone who was cheated on) and to make harsh criticisms and remarks toward cheaters. Every case is of course not the same and there are many reasons for cheating-- which a lot boil down to selfishness. It is easy to say that I never thought I would be this person--- because I did never indeed think that. That probably sounds like a cop-out sentence and like something everyone says who gets involved. I could list many reasons why it got to this point, why I did it, why I justified it to myself at the time but I know they will not matter. Sure him and I have our relationship issues (some major) but my cheating is not going to solve them and is no way justified.

 

It's cool if you never thought you'd be this person, but also irrelevant. Since, unfortunately, you ARE this person. You didn't just do this once lady. That is why I find everything you say to be hard to handle. This wasn't just a one time slip up. It went on for a week. You planned this crap! This means you had time to come home and think about how you thought you'd never be this type of person..you had time to do that..and you STILL kept cheating for a week.

 

I am spending some time apart from him in the coming months due to work related things. This part frightens me the most. I don't think he would revenge cheat (although perhaps I would deserve it), however, I do worry about not being around him right after telling him. I want to be there to show I can be honest, to show how sorry I am, to be an open book. I am trying to justify in my head pushing back telling him until I can be around him and have more of a track record to show there has been "x" amount of time and I have been working toward things. I know the sooner the better but this is all so convoluted right now.

 

No offense, but you should be spending a LOT of time apart from this guy. As in..forever, because you aren't the one for him. It may seem harsh to say, but you cheated for a week lady: I have zero sympathy for you. Please, leave him and encourage him to find love elsewhere. But tell him what you did first, he needs to know so he never comes crawling back to you in the future.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Spectre

[violet1]

Look: however you want to spin it: you do not go and mistakenly remove your clothes and have sex with another man for an entire week. THESE ARE NOT MISTAKES. These are choices. These are only written off as mistakes in the lands of crazy people.

 

 

 

Yep, the only good consequence here is to tell this guy so he can go find a person who truly respects him, since the OP is obviously not this person.

 

We will have to agree to disagree. If you read the definition of mistake, cheating can certainly be it if the person feels true remorse. At the time yes, the 0P made a choice. Are you trying to tell me that cases of people who have successfully reconciled from infidelity that wayward doesn't feel like their decision to cheat wasn't wrong or a mistake? Really? I certainly don't believe these people are crazy. I guess you do? I've been on both sides. I'm very aware of how it feels to be cheated on. No, I never thought I'd become a cheater and guess what I did. I ended my affair, no d day. I didn't like living the secret life. Life isn't as simple as you'd like to believe. I have a complete understanding of both sides. Yes, there are good and bad consequences in every choice we make. If the OP learns from her mistakes I find that to be a good thing. I see no point in throwing stones at the OP making her feel worse than she already does. Go ahead, do what you got to do.

[ThatMan]

I don't particularly care how you describe it: Hiding behind the guise of a mistake is unhealthy. Period.

 

totellornot need to take ownership of herself, her behavior, and her choices.