Should I tell that I cheated?

[OnlyHonesty]

Of course you should tell him.

 

The only rule that applies is: "if it is likely that your partner will find out that you cheated through other avenues, then you tell them first to save them the added pain of hearing about it first through other channels. IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

 

 

A cheater has already spent his/her selfish day in the sun, and to assuage the guilt through further selfishness is something that only idiots justify.

 

Lets stop pretending that not telling them is to save them from pain. It is just an underhand and cowardly way that a cheater uses to justify not facing the truth and to save them from the pain that comes from the consequences of telling. You are fooling no one here.

 

I find it patronizing that someone thinks a grown man or woman won't be able to deal with the pain of some unworthy, disloyal, selfish and untrustworthy individual cheating on them. If anything, telling them will do them a favour compared to spending time within what amounts to a lie.

 

If you take a look at any posts made by cheaters, I bet you will see a common pattern. They will be more concerned with how they feel / will feel, they will try to make it sound like they don't want to tell them right now or ever to save their partner from pain but really, it's all just an excuse and it is all about them. The fact is, it is highly likely that when they own up, they will get kicked to the curb like they deserve to be.

 

As far as I am concerned, all that matters is truth and with it often comes a pain before realization. Stop being a coward.

[Spectre]

We will have to agree to disagree. If you read the definition of mistake, cheating can certainly be it if the person feels true remorse. At the time yes, the 0P made a choice. Are you trying to tell me that cases of people who have successfully reconciled from infidelity that wayward doesn't feel like their decision to cheat wasn't wrong or a mistake? Really? I certainly don't believe these people are crazy.

 

The reason I say it was a choice instead of a mistake is because in cases like these I feel saying "oh it was just a mistake" is harmful. That is why it needs to be clear cheating is a choice you make.

 

We are also talking about a "mistake" that happened over and over and over again, for an entire week. That's not a mistake anymore, and that is why I said anyone who believes otherwise is crazy.

 

I'm very aware of how it feels to be cheated on. No, I never thought I'd become a cheater and guess what I did. I ended my affair, no d day. I didn't like living the secret life. Life isn't as simple as you'd like to believe. I have a complete understanding of both sides. Yes, there are good and bad consequences in every choice we make. If the OP learns from her mistakes I find that to be a good thing. I see no point in throwing stones at the OP making her feel worse than she already does. Go ahead, do what you got to do.

 

I never said life itself is simple, it isn't, but we can't all pretend like there aren't things in life that ARE simple. It gets real simple here when it comes to not sleeping with someone else as long as you are in a relationship. End it first before you do anything, if you care about the person at all they at least deserve that.

 

Though, we still always come back to the fact that actions speak louder then words. She can claim she "deeply loves" her husband, but the way she has told us she acts says otherwise.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Life of course isn't that simple, but cheating is. You just don't do it if you are in love, period.

[Spectre]

I think we could easily get into semantics here. Perhaps maybe you don't do it if you're not "in love" as you say but I certainly think many people cheat on those they do love.

 

It's not semantics. People can love someone without being in love with them. That is what I think you have, love..but not IN love. If you feel you were in love you need to look at yourself and ask yourself why you feel a person in love would ever act this way. Essentially, you need to really think about how you define "love" then, because there is a problem if you feel this is behavior from someone who is in love.

 

I love my boyfriend more than I love anyone else in my life and yet I still cheated.

 

What you are saying might be true, but you did not love him enough to not cheat on him. Isn't that the bottom line here tho? I'm not trying to be harsh, but that is what it comes down to for me.

 

I allowed a friendship to turn into more even when I saw the warning signs. I made multiple mistakes.

 

Correction: you made multiple choices.

 

This is no way takes away from the fact that I love him. I do not think it is fair to bring in claims that if you love someone you would never cheat. We all hurt people we love and shouldn't-- this however, isn't a mundane or small hurt-- I KNOW. This is a colossal mistake (or rather series) that I have to own up to.

 

Look here is the bottom line, there is loving someone and there is being IN love with someone. There is a difference, a huge difference. Like..I had a first love at 15 and I loved her, but I wasn't in love. With my current gf, I am in love, there is a difference.

 

See, I find myself to be decent overall, so I would of never cheated on the girl I was with at age 15. If I did, however, it wouldn't destroy me or cause me large amounts of emotional pain. The thought of cheating on someone I'm in love with actually is something I can't even imagine. If I could? Then I'd take that as a sign maybe I'm not in love.

 

You cheated, not once..but for a week. That pretty much confirms at one point you were straight up planning to cheat, planning to go sleep with another dude. That is not how people in love act, you can try to wipe it aside by saying you made mistakes and you really care, etc. and that is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't erase what you've done. Actions speak louder then words.

 

My advice: tell this guy the truth and set him free. Let's be honest though, you aren't ever going to tell him..are you? You won't ever actually write him these letters, etc. I can bet next time you reply he will still be in the dark. Though why? You don't have the holiday excuse, Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is weeks away, so now is the perfect time to tell if you were legitimately worried about doing it during a holiday instead of just using that as an excuse not to tell.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Spectre