Should I tell that I cheated?

[fixing]

No. You don't know this at all. What exactly do you want? What do you want in your future? Healthy, fun, and passionate relationships require LOVE and RESPECT and PATIENCE. If you choose to remain silent and say nothing then the one thing you know for sure is that you'll live with the guilt. Your boyfriend will live with the confusion and resentment of believing something's up without putting a finger on it. The only future you'll enjoy is a ****ty relationship filled with pain. Is that really what you want for yourself?

 

 

 

I think a letter is a good idea. I don't think you should wait another day though. If you have the time to talk with strangers about your problems you have the time to make a rough draft right this moment. You shouldn't make excuses for yourself to not do this. Don't put it off.

 

Agree 100% with everything that is quoted above. You should be telling him this evening. The sooner the better, and i think a letter is a very good idea.

[devilish innocent]

I would wait until the day after Thanksgiving and then tell him. I think leaving it up to him as to whether or not he wants to hear the details sounds like a good idea. Just make sure you answer any questions he has. If you're not comfortable expressing your initial thoughts out loud, then handing him a letter and sitting there while he reads it is fine.

[aliveagain]

Tell him in the way you feel most comfortable but tell him all the truth. Tell him you cheated on him and who it was with and that you broke it off because you chose him. Tell him you are willing to get help so this will never happen again. Give him access to all your passwords, be transparent, and don't forget to tell him how sorry you are for hurting him.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. We broke up a while back and got back together. I cheated on him with a mutual friend.

 

Of course you should tell him.

 

The only rule that applies is: "if it is likely that your partner will find out that you cheated through other avenues, then you tell them first to save them the added pain of hearing about it first through other channels. IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

 

 

A cheater has already spent his/her selfish day in the sun, and to assuage the guilt through further selfishness is something that only idiots justify.

[drifter777]

Of course you should tell him.

 

The only rule that applies is: "if it is likely that your partner will find out that you cheated through other avenues, then you tell them first to save them the added pain of hearing about it first through other channels. IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

 

 

A cheater has already spent his/her selfish day in the sun, and to assuage the guilt through further selfishness is something that only idiots justify.

Since she cheated with a mutual friend the chances of his finding out are near 100%. You should tell him ASAP and deal with the consequences.

[ThatMan]

Of course you should tell him.

 

The only rule that applies is: "if it is likely that your partner will find out that you cheated through other avenues, then you tell them first to save them the added pain of hearing about it first through other channels. IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

 

 

A cheater has already spent his/her selfish day in the sun, and to assuage the guilt through further selfishness is something that only idiots justify.

 

I respectfully agree in many ways and understand what you mean.

 

Since it was a mutual friend, chances are her spouse will discover the affair through other friends who are knowledgeable of what happened. totellornot cannot presume to understand how many people her cheater bragged to about the affair with, despite what he may claim to the contrary. Maybe her spouse already knows. Maybe he simply doesn't believe it despite the doubts. Maybe his discovery of the affair and the following aftermath is unavoidable.

 

Imagine this - each day dreading coming home from work to confront your spouse to say hello. The simple act of being in the same room on a normal is day is difficult because of the guilt of being unfaithful. Imagine the tension of a constant sense of uneasiness that builds up day after day. Maybe this continues for week, months, or years. How can the relationship become remotely enjoyable with such tension? Even if the man never discovers the truth, I cannot imagine even the slightest amount of joy existing in a relationship without full disclosure. There isn't room for happiness when each day, even going out together for fun, is filled with stress. The spouse needs to know and he needs to know today.

 

Setting distrust, fear, and silence as the foundation of any relationship will not succeed. I guarantee it.

Edited November 27, 2013 by ThatMan

[todreaminblue]

i advocate telling on every level....it is th eonly true way you are remorseful is to admit and rectify and fix a relationship....deb

[Fluttershy]

Tell right away while you have the courage. There is no "good time". Plus, he won't thank you for waiting but rather be angry you carried on over the holidays like nothing was wrong. Yeah, it will mean tomorrow sucks. But even if you tell afterwards that holiday will always be tainted with the memory that you betrayed him and yet carried on like nothing was wrong around friends and family. When people find out about an affair years down the road "distance" doesn't make it easier. In fact it makes it harder because the betrayed wonders how the love of their life could smile at them everyday while keeping such a huge secret.

This will probably end your relationship, know that. Sometimes it doesn't but often it does. Being completely honest about it and not blaming him in any way helps. Also, confessing instead of being caught helps as well. It shows you were sorry on your own not because you were caught. Tell him as much as he needs to know. I recommend telling all except details voluntarily. He doesn't need positions but how many times you were physical, what was said, when and where it happened.

The reason I advocate telling is because being an honest and authentic person is important in a marriage. This isn't about you doing it again or not. It is about you taking responsibility for your actions and giving your partner the choice to choose you or not. You are robbing him of that choice if you don't tell. Give him a chance to choose you, screwed up but working on change.

[totellornot]

Lucy-- I am wondering what advice it is you have to offer that I can only get from you off this site?

 

I am going to write him a letter and I think at this point I will get across these points:

-I cheated

-I will answer any questions he has (I am not going to voluntarily go into the who, what, where, when unless he definitely wants to know)

-I cut the other man out and it means nothing to me

-I am deeply sorry

-I will do whatever it takes to make it work if he gives me the chance to show him

-I will give him all my passwords and be a total open book, and do whatever he asks

-I will be seeking counseling regardless of his decision on the matter but I will ask him to give me 60 days to show that I am in it for the long haul and willing to do whatever

 

Thoughts?

[twosadthings]

You must tell him who. In my opinion it is so disrespectful when a current lover is exposed to a former lover, either intentionally or unintentionally...in this case it would be more disrespectful because you cheated with someone he may possibly encounter.

 

I think you may find that you don't know your boyfriend quite as well as you think you do and he might take what you did much harder and less forgiving than you may think.

 

I don't feel like wishing you good luck but I will hope that things turn out for the best, whatever that might be.

 

Twosadthings

[ThatMan]

The reason I advocate telling is because being an honest and authentic person is important in a marriage. This isn't about you doing it again or not. It is about you taking responsibility for your actions and giving your partner the choice to choose you or not. You are robbing him of that choice if you don't tell. Give him a chance to choose you, screwed up but working on change.

I've known successful relationships that continued after an affair - but only because they each had the complete freedom to not only understand, but also choose to love each other.

 

Lucy-- I am wondering what advice it is you have to offer that I can only get from you off this site?

 

I am going to write him a letter and I think at this point I will get across these points:

-I cheated

-I will answer any questions he has (I am not going to voluntarily go into the who, what, where, when unless he definitely wants to know)

-I cut the other man out and it means nothing to me

-I am deeply sorry

-I will do whatever it takes to make it work if he gives me the chance to show him

-I will give him all my passwords and be a total open book, and do whatever he asks

-I will be seeking counseling regardless of his decision on the matter but I will ask him to give me 60 days to show that I am in it for the long haul and willing to do whatever

 

Thoughts?

This sounds like the best anyone can do and the rest will be entirely up to him. Just be careful to not be too withholding of the who: he needs to know that information. It is supremely cruel to withhold this information, even through a lie of silent omission. If you ever avoid the question or refuse to explain who you had an affair with, then you will be protecting the man you slept with, rather than your own spouse. Your spouse will perceive that and is likely react accordingly...

Edited November 28, 2013 by ThatMan

[BeholdtheMan]

(which is the part of me that thinks I deserve to live with this guilt).

Let's get this clear...by keeping your boyfriend ignorant you are rewarding yourself and punishing him...not the other way around

 

It takes courage to face the anger and betrayal your boyfriend will feel when you tell him the truth, it doesn't take courage to sweep it under the rug and hope he never finds out. I hope you have the courage to do the right thing and not make excuses for yourself

 

IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

What sort of bullsh*t advice is this. Most men (notice I said "men" not “spineless wimps") would pick the truth over ignorance any day, not matter how unpleasant the truth is. Most men don't want to live a lie.

 

By not letting the other person know, you're sparing yourself the pain of having to deal with their anger and betrayal. You're not sparing them anything because in all likelihood, they would want to know the truth.

[Space Ritual]

Just tell him the truth and accept the consequences of your actions...all those words about how sorry you are and it's not going to happen again...bah...they are just words. Sound like you have been lurking on a few websites and prepared the stock list out of the Cheaters handbook, Chapter 6 section 13 "God I am probably gonna get busted but if I make all these promises will he buy it until the next time around?"

 

Many cheaters use the same line of crap and obviously your words don't mean crap right now.

 

You're gonna do this...say this...do that...all crap.

 

Then you wrote this gem.

"-I will answer any questions he has (I am not going to voluntarily go into the who, what, where, when unless he definitely wants to know)"

 

Bargaining with yourself whether to trickle truth him...

 

Even worse more times than not in these matters is the lying and omission of vital information for an extended period of time than the physical act itself.

 

Basically it means you want to do this on your own terms... under the guise of softening the blow, when you inform him of a a DOUBLE Betrayal..But again you have already stated the guy was more of a friend than his...well obviously...lol Stevie wonder could see that...justification much?

 

 

Look, the reason I am being harsh here is because every cheater thinks their situation is different but in reality you are all the same...selfish people who care about themselves more than those they purport to love.

 

So just tell him everything...and I mean Everything...I have stated this before and I will state it again. Part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for our actions, whether good or bad. So if you have one ounce of respect for your boyfriend of 5 years, I think this would probably be your best and last chance to actually prove you are an adult.

 

Good Luck.

[Space Ritual]

IF it is extremely unlikely that your partner will ever find out, then you don't tell them, ever, in order to spare them the pain of knowing.

 

 

 

I give you the Finger all the way from Chicago, Illinois for that nugget of stupidity.

[BeholdtheMan]

I give you the Finger all the way from Chicago, Illinois for that nugget of stupidity.

Apparently, he's a "sincere" online guy

[elbe]

It will always eat at you and may come out when arguing if you eventually get married. You will have to come out with it at some point just be prepared for the backlash. Sometimes those scars never heal if you aren't closer now than you were when you cheated.

[Space Ritual]

Apparently, he's a "sincere" online guy

 

Well in my opinion that was a variation of the AA Step 9 that S.O.G. was using

 

Step 9--Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

 

In the case of working a 12 step program I could understand using it as some sort of advice, in a situation such as this thread pertains to I see it as a complete cop out to even suggest it. So that is why he recieved my Bird...lol

[Spectre]

You should definitely tell, he has a right to know. Do not wait any longer, tell him tomorrow. You clearly do not love this man, otherwise you wouldn't of cheated. The bad thing is you didn't just do it once, like the fact that maybe it only happened once and it wasn't something you consciously planned, but you did it for a week! What kind of person does this to someone they love? You consciously planned and carried out having sex with another man for a whole week. You chose to go over with the express purpose of screwing.

 

So during this week you cheated were you sleeping with your bf too? Was there ever a day you slept with both of them? During this week were you telling your bf you loved him?

 

Also if you tell him(and I'm sensing you won't) then you give him the guys name whether or not he asks. Especially if this is a mutual friend? Sorry, no true friend hooks up with their friends girlfriend so he deserves to know what a ****ty friend he has, even if he will never see this person again.

 

Even if your boyfriend decides to become a doormat and forgive you..I think you should just let him go, let him go find someone who really loves him.

[ascendotum]

What sort of bullsh*t advice is this. Most men (notice I said "men" not “spineless wimps") would pick the truth over ignorance any day, not matter how unpleasant the truth is. Most men don't want to live a lie.

 

By not letting the other person know, you're sparing yourself the pain of having to deal with their anger and betrayal. You're not sparing them anything because in all likelihood, they would want to know the truth.

 

Really you think the majority of men who cheat will happily confess. Let the truth be told. Yeh right. They are happy to live a lie when its them committing the sin of sticking their dick into other women. I suspect you phrase this in terms of this specific situation where the man is ignorant of her infidelity. Its not a gender issue though. The vast majority of people would want to know if their partner is screwing others behind their back. Likewise the majority of cheaters dont plan on getting caught, and have no intention of confessing and would prefer to push the dirty truth into the back of their mind or rationalize it with BS. Cheaters want to live a lie because it suits their own selfish needs.

[violet1]

You should definitely tell, he has a right to know. Do not wait any longer, tell him tomorrow. You clearly do not love this man, otherwise you wouldn't of cheated. The bad thing is you didn't just do it once, like the fact that maybe it only happened once and it wasn't something you consciously planned, but you did it for a week! What kind of person does this to someone they love? You consciously planned and carried out having sex with another man for a whole week. You chose to go over with the express purpose of screwing.

 

So during this week you cheated were you sleeping with your bf too? Was there ever a day you slept with both of them? During this week were you telling your bf you loved him?

 

Also if you tell him(and I'm sensing you won't) then you give him the guys name whether or not he asks. Especially if this is a mutual friend? Sorry, no true friend hooks up with their friends girlfriend so he deserves to know what a ****ty friend he has, even if he will never see this person again.

 

Even if your boyfriend decides to become a doormat and forgive you..I think you should just let him go, let him go find someone who really loves him.

 

How do YOU know she doesn't love this man? I understand you believe there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed and I agree. However, cheating isn't always about not loving your partner. In some cases, yes absolutely! The person is unhappy in their relationship, no longer in love, but stays for whatever reasons and cheats instead of leaving. In some cases, the cheater is completely broken inside and lost. These types of cheaters obviously are coping in a terrible way, but it has nothing to do with not being in love with your partner. Then there's what I call variety cheaters. These types are the most selfish of all. They are confident, have a great marriage and sex life, but they want variety. They are addicted to the chase and the newness feeling. Again, it's nothing to do with love. Believe me, I used to feel the exact way you do. Especially, right after I got cheated on. It wasn't until I unfortunately, became the cheater almost 10 years later that I started to see all sides. Cheating is not a one size fits all type of deal. I think if a person is truly remorseful and willing to do all of the work to prove it than the relationship can become stronger than ever.

 

To the OP, if you're truly sorry I suggest you tell him soon. Prove to him you are no longer in contact with the other guy. Accept that anything can happen. He may choose to forgive, which does not make him a doormat BTW as long as you put in the work to prove yourself. Be willing to give him all passwords to social media, texts, ect. Be willing to tell him everything and answer all questions. He might choose that this is too much to deal with and end the relationship. No matter what, work on you. I suggest you go to IC to help you figure out why you did what you did.

[totellornot]

You should definitely tell, he has a right to know. Do not wait any longer, tell him tomorrow. You clearly do not love this man, otherwise you wouldn't of cheated. The bad thing is you didn't just do it once, like the fact that maybe it only happened once and it wasn't something you consciously planned, but you did it for a week! What kind of person does this to someone they love? You consciously planned and carried out having sex with another man for a whole week. You chose to go over with the express purpose of screwing.

 

So during this week you cheated were you sleeping with your bf too? Was there ever a day you slept with both of them? During this week were you telling your bf you loved him?

 

Also if you tell him(and I'm sensing you won't) then you give him the guys name whether or not he asks. Especially if this is a mutual friend? Sorry, no true friend hooks up with their friends girlfriend so he deserves to know what a ****ty friend he has, even if he will never see this person again.

 

Even if your boyfriend decides to become a doormat and forgive you..I think you should just let him go, let him go find someone who really loves him.

 

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

[ThatMan]

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

Nothing's simple but don't focus on what's insignificant. I'm sorry you've been called names and I would like to distant the conversation away from that.

 

You made a choice. You choose to behave in ways that is likely to deeply hurt the man that you love. Claim ownership of that choice. But do not sit there and say things we already know. Everyone already knows that bad things happen. We all do things that we regret throughout life. You don't need to remind anyone and it isn't important, unless you value the reasons why you think your behavior is somehow justified, which it isn't.

 

Simply stated: You treated the man you love worse than how I would treat my worst enemy. You need to treat each other like spouses for either of you to be considered as such. You need to treat someone as a friend for them to even consider you a friend. If you neglected the most basic considerations, then no, he shouldn't consider you to be behaving even as a distant friend, let alone a lover and spouse.

 

If I called the person I cared about terrible names, and shoved her around, what then? Maybe I tell her, "We hurt the people we love and such is life." How do you think she'll feel? If somebody cheated on me, called me names, shoved me, or hurt me, I wouldn't consider them a friend because they need to behave like a friend first. You need to behave like a spouse first before you can even consider working things out. That means having respect, trust, open communication, and consideration for yourself and him. You can do that, but only if you share knowledge of the affair, and make personal changes.

[Spectre]

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but no..what you said is all bunk. You don't get to write this off as "oh we made a mistake and do stupid things"...are you crazy? Go and re-read your initial post. You cheated on this man for an entire week. Let me say that again: an entire week. This wasn't a one time slip up. That is not a mere mistake. You didn't mistakenly go there and visit this guy. A mistake is when I lock my keys in the car, I didn't mean to do it but hey it happened nonetheless.

 

What you did was a choice, not a mistake. Please don't ever try to write it off like that, I hate when people do that. You CHOSE to do this to a man you "love deeply" so I'm sorry, I do not need to know you to know that this wouldn't happen if you were in love with this guy.

 

This is the worst thing cheaters can do. Of course nothing is black and white, cheating happens for different reasons, under different circumstances, etc. but the thing of it is at the end of the day actions speak louder then words. You didn't do this once lady, you did it several times. That pretty much tells us all we need to know about you, in terms of what you are here on this forum for. So..well, tell your husband, even though I'm guessing you haven't yet?

Edited November 30, 2013 by Spectre

[sayyes19]

I do understand your harsh words but I think it is unfair for you to make a judgment on whether or not I love him. I do love him and love him very deeply and more than I have ever loved anyone before. I hate when people say if you love someone you would never do X or Y. Life isn't that black and white. I definitely made a mistake and have made others in the past (unrelated to cheating) and so has he. We do hurt ones we love and do stupid things.

 

Your SO might not feel the same way that I do, but here's my take. While it would temporarily be better to not know about such a situation my greatest fear in life is to be 20 years down the road and find out my wife had done something like this to me. It would make me feel like everything we had ever done together was fake and would make a big part of my life feel invalidated. You owe him right now so the best thing you could do would be to tell him, even if it hurts you in the long run.

[Under The Radar]

I do not condone cheating or affairs. Yes, what the OP did was, indeed, wrong. However, I personally agree that she could still love her boyfriend (they are not married) despite having betrayed him. I've been cheated on (many years ago) and I KNOW she loved me; the relationship ended. Was I totally crushed at the time? Yeah, you bet your ass I was, but life/relationships are not always black and white. There is gray and each situation is different. Again, she ****ed up ... Cheating IS wrong!

 

How many cheaters don't even own their mistakes and try to hide what they have done? She is at least making an attempt to own and come clean for her betrayal. I agree that cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone. I know that if/when she discloses this information to her boyfriend it will devastate him. Whether or not the relationship continues ... it will take him a LONG time to heal (if he ever truly heals).

 

No, she doesn't get a pass. what she did is wrong, hurtful, and extremely selfish. My point, nevertheless, is that good people can and do make mistakes. MOST people in life will violate their own moral code at some point. Hopefully this affair with the other man is the last she ever participates in cheating. I sincerely hope she follows through on her posts, writes the letter, and tells her boyfriend the ENTIRE truth ......because he certainly deserves it.