sjbcat Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 (edited) So, I'm currently in the process of divorce. The main reason I filed was due to my husband friendship with his ex-girlfriend. He was not honest about their relationship from the start, saying that they were just work friends. Imagine my shock when he wants her to be the best man at our wedding. Since we were in a long distance relationship during our engagement, I didn't know how close their friendship was. We would get in fights when the ex would be disrespectful or my husband (fiance at the time) would hide the fact that he would meet up with her or talk to her. When I moved to be with him, shortly before the wedding, I found out that there was a lot going on that I didn't see. My husband has admitted lying to me about meeting up with her when i was out of town, and this continued after we were married. After being suspicious for a long time, I snooped, and found inappropriate emails and frequent communication between the two of them. When we would have fights, she would be the first person he would contact, and he would tell her about what was happening, even when it would be about her. She would offer to come over to his house with wine and chocolates. Every time I would tell my husband how uncomfortable I was with the relationship and ask him to create some boundaries, he would tell me how amazing she was, that he wasn't doing anything wrong (i.e. not sleeping with her), and that I needed to stop attacking his friend. He would put me down, tell me I'm crazy, too sensitive, or bringing my past baggage into this relationship. He allowed her to have the key to his house and we got in a huge fight when I asked him to get it back, a week before we got married. She called me his sugar momma, and my husband has told me that she never supported our marriage. After finding out that he spent the weekend with her when i was visiting my parents and lying about it, I decided I'd had enough. We are currently trying to reconcile, but he is having a hard time giving up the friendship. I told him that reconciliation was dependent on him cutting her out of his life completely and all the lying and deceit has made me believe that he may have been sleeping with her. He doesn't see the point in cutting people out of his life. He promised that he wouldn't speak to her, but I found out that he reached out to her and had a 45 minute call with her a few days ago. He said that he needed to do what is good for him, and barely acknowledged the fact that he broke a promise by doing so. I'm really tired of trying and don't know if this marriage can be saved. We've been fighting about this for 3 weeks now and I'm exhausted. Am I being unreasonable? Edited November 27, 2013 by sjbcat Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 No you aren't being unreasonable. He obviously has an emotional connection with her, which seems far stronger than what he has with you. Even if he says he isn't cheating physically, he is cheating emotionally. She obviously wants him back. I'm confused though, if you had this problem and knew what was happening why did you still marry him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sjbcat Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 (edited) I married him because I didn't know the true nature of their friendship. He said that she was the closest friend he had in town (his other friends recently moved away), as a way to explain the best man request. It was only when I moved to the same town and lived under the same roof that I found out that she actually was his best friend and that he had been lying to me. Before the marriage, I was uncomfortable about a few things, but I didn't have anything to go on but a feeling. I guess I should have trusted my instincts. He said that he is willing to give up the friendship, but then decided to contact her last weekend. He did tell me that they spoke, but only after I asked him if she had reached out since he established the NC policy with her. I appreciate his honesty, but I question whether he would have told me about their talk or if this would be yet another omission. I don't know how I can regain trust if I'm always going to be worried if they're talking and meeting up when I'm not around. Or is he right? Since he didn't actually cheat on me, is it too extreme to ask him to end his friendship with his ex? Is there another alternative? I'm so confused... Edited November 27, 2013 by sjbcat Link to post Share on other sites
r321148 Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 I don't think it's entirely fair to tell someone who they can/can't be friends with even if it is an ex. However, I do think you have a good cause in this case. The lying about it has given you a good reason not to be comfortable with their relationship so that changes things a lot. There definitely needs to be boundaries too... the only person I'd give a key to my house to is a partner or family. That's not cool. I think you have every right not to trust him in this case as he has given you a good cause. You know your head best and if you can't deal with her being in his life (I believe rightly so in this case) then your relationship won't work all the time he continues to see her. If you don't trust their relationship then he needs to make a choice....you or her. Do you really think you can trust him again? Even if he tells you he'll stop seeing her then would you trust that? I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't but if you can't then how do you see this relationship working out? Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 FACT! It is never going to work out as long as he brings another woman into your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Or is he right? Since he didn't actually cheat on me, is it too extreme to ask him to end his friendship with his ex? Is there another alternative? I'm so confused... He just wants his cake and eat it too. You know what you're doing is right. Stay the course and when this is all over, I'm going to bet that you'll want to slap yourself for even asking 'am I being unreasonable?' Trust your instincts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Emotional cheating can be more painful than physical affairs. You are not being unreasonable. She has got to go, or you should. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 The problem isn't that he has a female friend. The problem is that he has a female friend, you expressed concerns and he has completely disregarded them, and lied to you, on several occasions. Be done with him. I wouldn't necessarily file for divorce right away, but tell him that you are going to. It will either make him change and cut her out, or it won't, but you'll have your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sjbcat Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 (edited) I've already filed for divorce. I've already asked him to choose between me or her. I'm trying to see things from his perspective. I wouldn't want to give up a friendship with my best friend. But I would do it to save my marriage. Edited November 27, 2013 by sjbcat Link to post Share on other sites
ChinUp Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 My now ex-husband had a "friend". Instead of working through anything with me - he went to her. As far as I know she wasn't and ex but I really have no idea how far their relationship went. He confided in her that he had lunch with an old classmate he thought "might have been the one that got away" and I found him out learning about both women. I don't like the idea of making people cut off friendships but in this case I don't think the request is out of line. Sorry for what you're going through - nothing like having your trust completely shattered in the one person that is supposed to be there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Er, why are you trying to reconcile? He's had this long-standing relationship with her, tried to include her in your marriage, and you had had enough. What makes you think anything is going to improve? Why would he give up this friend? He has allowed her to insult you (calling you a sugar mommy). There is something very bizarre about his relationship with her and I somehow feel she will always be there and you will always have a fear that she's lurking in the background. Honestly, I'd dump the guy and not look back! Why do people think that others who have been behaving badly for a long period are going to stop doing it? It's very naive to think someone's nature is going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) From your posts it's clear that your husband doesn't really care about your needs; he only cares about getting his needs met. I mean, you told him to have some boundaries with his female friend, and he called her a few days ago anyway, and then told you to your face that he has to do what's best for him. And that's acceptable behavior to you, why? Why aren't you doing what's best for you? And why would you believe him at this point if he told you that nothing physical happened between them. He's lying about that. There's no way he'd be this close to a woman he only has a platonic relationship with. No way. He's in love with her and married you instead. His mistake that you're now paying for, because he went through with marrying you. Now you don't want to divorce him b/c he wants to have his cake (you) and eat it too (his female friend). If you reconcile, just know that a leopard never changes his spots. Your husband will continue to speak with his female friend and it will progress to a full-blown physical affair if it hasn't already. He won't change no matter how much he promises to. And he'll continue to lie to you and let her influence his behavior with you. Do you really want to put up with that being married to him still? Go through with your divorce. Don't waver now. If you do you'll regret it. Stay strong. He's already told you he's doing what's best for himself. Did he at any point try to compromise with you and put your needs ahead of his? Doesn't sound like it from what you've written here. And by the way, telling your husband to choose between you and her isn't wise. (And a wife shouldn't have to give her husband an ultimatum for any reason.) He'll choose her and then try to guilt you into staying married -- well, that's what he's doing right now. He sounds like a selfish oaf. You're better off divorcing him and after healing, find a man who will treat you with more respect. Edited December 1, 2013 by writergal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Floridapad2 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Writegal has words of wisdom. When I asked my wife to marry me I was in the same situation. A "friend" who was female. I told my wife we never slept together, I lied. We slept with each other before we got engaged. At the same time I knew I couldn't have a real relationship with my wife with her around. Out of respect I stopped the friendship. I still think about it but I know who I love and want to be with. It's not the "friend". If it was I would be with her. But... My wife laid down the law and I made a choice. A great choice. If he's not willing to make a choice then let him be. Leave him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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