When does it stop hurting so much?

[jforthegirl]

It's only been a couple of weeks since my stbx told me he wanted to leave, but I really need this intense, immobilizing sadness to stop. How long does this pain go on? I expect some sadness to continue for a long time, but I feel paralyzed.

[Still-I-Rise]

I am sorry you are going through such a life altering event.

 

I've been in a similar place with paralysis and all.

 

I begged my him to stay for our children's sakes, for our sakes, but he left without sparing us a shred of humanity.

 

We are still down...but I am crawling back up with my kids in tow and I now face each new day thanking the Universe he is gone in hopes he may never return.

 

If anyone would have told me this July I would feel the way I do now, I would have thought them crazy.

 

But they would have been right. It got better. I am healing and moving forward.

 

Right now you are in hell and I admonish you to heed the words of Sir Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." Do the practical things as much as you can to ensure you are moving and getting something done.

 

Protect yourself - go no contact as completely as possible - let go what has gone. You cannot control external things. Seek help via a therapist or friend or both.

 

Be patient and allow yourself to experience the stages of grief. There is no set time frame for healing.

 

There is plenty of good advice and encouragement here from people who have been there and done that. Look (read) around and post as you need to.

 

I hope you will start to feel better soon.

[skydiveaddict]

How long does this pain go on? I expect some sadness to continue for a long time, but I feel paralyzed.

 

I think rather than the pain going away, you just learn to live with it. At least that has been my experience.

[2.50 a gallon]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no magic bullet to take the pain away.

 

Time is the healer. How much time, depends on the individual, some longer some shorter.

 

You can shorten the time, by getting busy and staying busy. The idea is to get you mind off of your situation by concentrating on something new. Right now almost every waking thought you have is of him. The idea is to find something to distract your brain for a few seconds, then minutes then hours and days.

 

Now is the chance to do the things you always thought you might try, but never did. Rock climbing, sky diving, salsa dancing, photography, guitar, learn a new language. Do something for yourself.

 

For me, I tried raising orchids. I didn't have the touch and soon lost interest. But, I had long had a fish tank, and had long wanted to raise and breed some very colorful, but very difficult to raise and breed tropical fish. In order to breed the fish I needed to take extra care with the quality of the water, it needed to be soft. They would eat flake food, but in order to get them primed for spawning they needed life food and the tank had to be set up in a special way.

 

All of which took extra time. Then when I was successful, the fry had to sorted out and given special foods, which included cultures of live food, again more time.

 

The second thing I did was to by a used recipe book and teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. These took more time than hamburger helper, hence more time, plus I was rewarded with a great meal and later it helped me attract new ladies when I got back into the dating scene

[ShannonBanana]

I understand your grief! Been through that same thing. The sadness can be important for the healing.

 

I have found that prayer to God (as in the deeper meaning of love) for acceptance, forgiveness (me forgiving myself and my STBX), and peace in my heart is helping me a lot! The prayer is not so much a religious prayer but a calling upon my inner self to do the conscious work to get me to those places of peace. And you know what...I feel better. It's been bumpy as I process it all but I do feel stronger.

 

And I write on here, look at my own words and let myself process what is actually being said.

 

I've never been religious and in the past decade my spirituality has waned...but I found a real power in prayer.

 

I hope you feel better sooner than later.

[Yasuandio]

One day, after hearing him spew his anger in the court room, and actually referred to me as that X, I fell into the grief period.

 

It lasted a few days. It was very painful, and I never cried so deeply. I even had the dry heaves while I was crying. I think that was my mourning - and loss of hope. Although I knew he was grandstanding, there was something about hearing the term "that X" used towards me in a microphone in public (even though he was looking like a complete idiotic maniac, and I was ashamed of him).

 

In a few days, the sun came out, so to speak, and I felt differently about him. Not so desperate, not in pain any longer. Sort of an acceptance washed over me. Not to say I didn't still harbor hopes (23-28 year marriage afterall).

 

He streched the divorce out to be 4 years through noncooperation - which did not help me move on. Probably he wasn't ready to move on either. Even now, a year past the divorce, he still comes through the sub-division, and hangs in my neighborhood. That is a real irritant to me.

 

Next yea a girlfriend of 20 years is moving in with me, and I think that will help tremendously. The door is shut after that - cause I would never send her away. She has stood by me these five terrible years, and she has a serious blood disorder, that causes her constant pain for which she will be medicated for the remainder of her life. I see this as a wonderful opportunity to have a companion here with me rather than spending so much time alone. I also have a health issue (bi-polar 2) and she is probably the only one on Earth that understands me.

 

My point is, that once you hit that grieving stage - you will know it. Allow yourself to feel and experience it. Everything will appear differently afterwards. It will take time - but you must move on with your life - and not waste time waiting around for this guy. One year can turn into 5 years before you know it.

 

You are health - you do not have a blood disorder or bi-polar which can sometimes interfere with your ability to interact with the outside world. You have to grieve and move forward - not backwards! I hope this helps. Yas

[jforthegirl]

Thanks for the encouragement. An added complication is that we have a young daughter, she just turned a year old. In order to keep her schedule consistent, coupled with a financial need to do so, we are co-habitating. So, NC is not really a possibility. I think this is making it much harder for me to really accept that this divorce will really happen. But this is where we are and the plans for the future are just up in the air. I'm loving in the most awful purgatory ever.

[jforthegirl]

*living in purgatory, definitely not loving! Stupid autocorrect....