Fear of arguments and emotional fallout

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Preface: I have AvPD, BPD, and ADD. I am currently withdrawn from social interaction except for this forum. Therapy for those disorders is scheduled soon.

 

I can't seem to check replies to some of my more opinionated posts without trembling with fear. If I perceive someone as being intentionally rude, I may feel the need to be just as rude, or even up the ante in return. Sometimes I can gather the courage to take a peek at someone's response, but without calm mind.

 

I don't leave the house anymore, and I had to stop visiting my parents' house (was visiting at least once a week). The last time I spent one on one time with my dad, we talked politics which we'd been avoiding for years. It wasn't a heated argument, but the emotions came up that usually surface. We had to cut the conversation short.

 

I'm terrified of getting into some type of altercation because I'm anticipating not only the pain I could cause someone if things get ugly, but the extended period of time it takes me to get over a confrontation. The fallout is a mix of anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, regret, and embarrassment. It can last weeks and is overwhelming. Those feelings eventually fade except for the regret and embarrassment which are there for life.

 

I don't want to treat anyone unfairly. I've seen the results of that on both sides of the fence. Unfair treatment upsets me more than most things, but when I'm upset I can be quite unfair. It makes me a hypocrite to do what I hate most.

 

Until I learn how to process this better, I think it's been more helpful than harmful for me to avoid those situations. Even if it means shutting myself off from the world.

 

I'm pretty good at recognizing these thought processes and patterns when they happen now. My actions are more controlled. The emotion is what's difficult to handle.

[AnyaNova]

I have meant to reply to this for so long, and say something.

 

And then I started engaging in that one heated discussion, telling myself that it would be good for me.

 

And for awhile it actually was. Until he started upping the ante and getting snippy, and then I did to (as you mentioned, I too tend to respond like with like).

 

And then I got personally attacked.

 

And yeah.

 

This is a tricky one for us AvPD'ers. The internet can feel safer to me sometimes, but it doesn't necessarily make it so.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I have meant to reply to this for so long, and say something.

 

And then I started engaging in that one heated discussion, telling myself that it would be good for me.

 

And for awhile it actually was. Until he started upping the ante and getting snippy, and then I did to (as you mentioned, I too tend to respond like with like).

 

And then I got personally attacked.

 

And yeah.

 

This is a tricky one for us AvPD'ers. The internet can feel safer to me sometimes, but it doesn't necessarily make it so.

 

 

I just read that thread so now I understand. I think I read some of it earlier on. I wanted to reach out and say "AnyaNova, let this one go." but you seemed to be on a roll.

 

It's so hard not to take things personally. Right now, I'm trying to keep a composure so that when I do have a disagreement with someone, I can still talk to them in the future. If I argue with someone, I like being able to read their future posts and hitting that "like" button when they make excellent points. You know, without feeling like I've made an ass of myself.

 

Even if you have a perfect understanding of something, you can't make someone realize it. You can present what you know, but it is the other person's responsibility to accept it or not.

 

I get uncomfortable just presenting what I know, or have ideas about. So, I keep trying to further my awareness and control my response when my emotions are triggered. I think it may be getting easier.

 

I still get embarrassed by things I say. If I can shape the way I argue, or debate, I can reduce the risk of alienating myself from people. Maybe I can stop playing with matches on a wooden bridge.

[Under The Radar]

AShogunNamedMarcus,

 

I don't have APD, but I am quite introverted and prefer being by myself most of the time. I have suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety over the years. Nobody would have any clue about my aversion to most social situations and neurosis if I chose not to disclose that information. I can be sociable if I need to be, but I find it draining much of the time. This doesn't mean I dislike people, but I feel more comfortable when I'm alone.

 

I work as a personal trainer in a big city and live above my gym. Because of this I rarely need to leave my building if I don't want to ...... and often times I don't (though I get lonely sometimes). Most of my interaction with people is through my clients who come to work out and LS:). I guess we could call it my "Fortress Of Solitude", like Superman called his home, except I'm no Superman. Because I'm alone so much I feel like an alien sometimes when I go outside to do things. Going to the grocery store is like a lunar expedition to mars .

 

Anyway, I wanted to say I value your posts and the insights you have shared with us on the site. I don't think you should be embarrassed about any of your comments or ideas. I can tell you have a lot of experiences and are intelligent. You have a great sense of humor and are quite perceptive. Loveshack is a great place to plant the seeds of introspection IMO. I have learned a lot about people, relationships, and myself over the past years by hanging out here. I wish you well and hope you will keep contributing here, if anything, for your own healing/growth.

[melell]

Human interaction is a bitch. I know what you mean in some respects, for me I would be fine one minute, and the next it is like this perspective comes down and scrutinizes every little thing about the interaction- to the point where I just want to go and live in the bush and never talk to anyone again. It is extremely difficult to deal with, and really does mess up our perspectives.

 

I am going to go out on a limb here and ask what kind of testing you have had towards your diagnoses. Have you been tested for chemical imbalance? Serotonin responses etc? Neurofeedback (electrodes on your scalp to identify brain wave activity)? Nutritional problems (iodine, inositol, thiamine etc)?

 

I would be really concerned about how you go ahead and choose to medicate, I think it was you that posted about marijuana use as helping you a lot? It would be helpful for you to be able to really get to the bottom of what is going on so you can treat it in the best possible way, and I would start with the physical side of things.. can be pricey to find out though.

 

Low vitamin D for me is the difference between suicidal, full blown anxiety disorder, daily panic attacks- resolve the D levels and I am back to functioning 100%. Prior to finding out that I was low on D, I was diagnosed with acute generalized anxiety disorder, and ocd- by three professionals-

 

But then I had brain mapping done, there was extra activity in one of my frontal lobes (the neurologist described this as an orchestra where one instrument was playing a little too fast), the neurologist insisted on full blood work on every micro nutrient and hormone level, I corrected these problems, which corrected my serotonin response, which corrected my brain waves. The result, I wasn't crazy, I didn't have an anxiety disorder, or ocd- those cognitive things were simply symptomatic of physical problems.

 

I am not trying to tell you anything specific here- I just want you to have an open mind as to what would potentially help you, and what could potentially be going on. Trust me, if there is a way to make life better for you then it is worth really looking into it..

[AnyaNova]

Human interaction is a bitch. I know what you mean in some respects, for me I would be fine one minute, and the next it is like this perspective comes down and scrutinizes every little thing about the interaction- to the point where I just want to go and live in the bush and never talk to anyone again. It is extremely difficult to deal with, and really does mess up our perspectives.

 

I am going to go out on a limb here and ask what kind of testing you have had towards your diagnoses. Have you been tested for chemical imbalance? Serotonin responses etc? Neurofeedback (electrodes on your scalp to identify brain wave activity)? Nutritional problems (iodine, inositol, thiamine etc)?

 

I would be really concerned about how you go ahead and choose to medicate, I think it was you that posted about marijuana use as helping you a lot? It would be helpful for you to be able to really get to the bottom of what is going on so you can treat it in the best possible way, and I would start with the physical side of things.. can be pricey to find out though.

 

Low vitamin D for me is the difference between suicidal, full blown anxiety disorder, daily panic attacks- resolve the D levels and I am back to functioning 100%. Prior to finding out that I was low on D, I was diagnosed with acute generalized anxiety disorder, and ocd- by three professionals-

 

But then I had brain mapping done, there was extra activity in one of my frontal lobes (the neurologist described this as an orchestra where one instrument was playing a little too fast), the neurologist insisted on full blood work on every micro nutrient and hormone level, I corrected these problems, which corrected my serotonin response, which corrected my brain waves. The result, I wasn't crazy, I didn't have an anxiety disorder, or ocd- those cognitive things were simply symptomatic of physical problems.

 

I am not trying to tell you anything specific here- I just want you to have an open mind as to what would potentially help you, and what could potentially be going on. Trust me, if there is a way to make life better for you then it is worth really looking into it..

 

For me it is the B vitamins.

 

My B vitamins go, and I become severely depressed, non-functional, extreme memory and cognitive difficulties, inability to move my muscles quickly (for whatever reason) and some other nasty symptoms which I won't go into here.

 

But, Melell, even with all of those corrected, I still have AvPD. Given how much of my "emotional" issues turned out to be purely physical, I won't say it couldn't ever happen, but AvPD really is something experience based and I still have it, even when all my brain chemicals are good.

 

Though I too, encourage everyone who has mental issues to rule out all possible physical causes first!!!! I spent years thinking I was a nutcase, instead of a normal person with gluten intolerance who gets really low in a number of key things including all the B's.

[AnyaNova]

AShogunNamedMarcus,

 

I don't have APD, but I am quite introverted and prefer being by myself most of the time. I have suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety over the years. Nobody would have any clue about my aversion to most social situations and neurosis if I chose not to disclose that information. I can be sociable if I need to be, but I find it draining much of the time. This doesn't mean I dislike people, but I feel more comfortable when I'm alone.

 

I work as a personal trainer in a big city and live above my gym. Because of this I rarely need to leave my building if I don't want to ...... and often times I don't (though I get lonely sometimes). Most of my interaction with people is through my clients who come to work out and LS:). I guess we could call it my "Fortress Of Solitude", like Superman called his home, except I'm no Superman. Because I'm alone so much I feel like an alien sometimes when I go outside to do things. Going to the grocery store is like a lunar expedition to mars .

 

Anyway, I wanted to say I value your posts and the insights you have shared with us on the site. I don't think you should be embarrassed about any of your comments or ideas. I can tell you have a lot of experiences and are intelligent. You have a great sense of humor and are quite perceptive. Loveshack is a great place to plant the seeds of introspection IMO. I have learned a lot about people, relationships, and myself over the past years by hanging out here. I wish you well and hope you will keep contributing here, if anything, for your own healing/growth.

 

You sound like just my type.

 

And I completely agree with you. His posts are exceedingly wise! I have not yet seen anything from him that he should be "ashamed of" at all.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

No extensive testing like you are describing Melell. The only testing like that I've had done is when I was on anti-seizure meds keeping track of some ratio.

 

As far as vitamins, are they effective orally? I keep hearing things here and there.

 

Every day I take (with %DV):

 

Vitamin B-12 - 1 mg (16,667%)

Vitamin D3 - 1000 IU (250%)

 

1/2 Centrum multivitamin (with %DV):

A - 1750 IU (35%)

C - 45 mg (75%)

D - 300 IU (75%)

E - 22.5 IU (75%)

K - 30 mcg (37.2%)

Thiamin - 0.6 mg (40%)

Riboflavin - 0.65 mg (38%)

Niacin - 8 mg (40%)

B6 - 1 mg (50%)

B12 - 3 mcg (50%)

Folic Acid - 100 mcg (25%)

Biotin - 20 mcg (6.5%)

Pantothenic Acid - 7.5 mg (75%)

Calcium - 105 mg (10%)

Iron - 4 mg (22%)

Iodine - 75 mg (50%)

Magnesium - 50 mg (12.5%)

Zinc - 5.5 mg (36.5%)

Selenium - 50 mcg (71.5%)

Copper - 0.45 mg (22.5%)

Manganese - 1.15 mg (57.5%)

Chromium - 17.5 mcg (14.5%)

Molybdenum - 25 mcg (33.5%)

Chloride - 36 mg (1%)

Potassium - 40 mg (1%)

Boron - 75 mcg

Nickel - 2.5 mcg

Silicon - 1 mg

Tin - 5 mcg

Vanadium - 5 mcg

Lycopene - 300 mcg

[mea_M]

Hi. While I can totally understand your fear of fallouts and lasting embarrassment, I'd tend to think that altercations and conflict to a degree make us stronger. I'd say release you're emotions in the most healthy way possible. I don't know one person on this plant who has perfectly balanced emotional control. If they say they do, they are not honest. Human interactions are sometimes difficult. But as odd as it sounds, practice makes perfect. Good luck.

 

Mea

[Under The Radar]

You sound like just my type.

 

And I completely agree with you. His posts are exceedingly wise! I have not yet seen anything from him that he should be "ashamed of" at all.

 

 

Your type? Sure, let's grab a cup of coffee sometime. I'll make sure the vendor spikes our beverages with extra B vitamins .

 

Yes, The OP's posts are "nuggets of gold" ...... I enjoy reading them.

 

AShogunNamedMarcus, taking vitamins orally is effective. Just make sure you take them with food. Vitamins taken on an empty stomach will not be absorbed optimally, and are likely to be eliminated through "restroom breaks", if you catch my drift. Moreover, I'd suggest taking them with some healthy fats so that the fat soluble vitamins (A,D,E, and K) have a chance to be absorbed in the body too.

[elbe]

I'm glad you are seeking help for this. I used to fear checking my e-mail. Just remember if you get the courage up to face your fears the rewards can be immense.

[melell]

For me it is the B vitamins.

 

My B vitamins go, and I become severely depressed, non-functional, extreme memory and cognitive difficulties, inability to move my muscles quickly (for whatever reason) and some other nasty symptoms which I won't go into here.

 

But, Melell, even with all of those corrected, I still have AvPD. Given how much of my "emotional" issues turned out to be purely physical, I won't say it couldn't ever happen, but AvPD really is something experience based and I still have it, even when all my brain chemicals are good.

 

Though I too, encourage everyone who has mental issues to rule out all possible physical causes first!!!! I spent years thinking I was a nutcase, instead of a normal person with gluten intolerance who gets really low in a number of key things including all the B's.

 

Yeah, I see where you are coming from 100%, I wonder if corrections would lessen the AvPD enough to make things a bit easier?

[melell]

No extensive testing like you are describing Melell. The only testing like that I've had done is when I was on anti-seizure meds keeping track of some ratio.

 

As far as vitamins, are they effective orally? I keep hearing things here and there.

 

Every day I take (with %DV):

 

Vitamin B-12 - 1 mg (16,667%)

Vitamin D3 - 1000 IU (250%)

 

1/2 Centrum multivitamin (with %DV):

A - 1750 IU (35%)

C - 45 mg (75%)

D - 300 IU (75%)

E - 22.5 IU (75%)

K - 30 mcg (37.2%)

Thiamin - 0.6 mg (40%)

Riboflavin - 0.65 mg (38%)

Niacin - 8 mg (40%)

B6 - 1 mg (50%)

B12 - 3 mcg (50%)

Folic Acid - 100 mcg (25%)

Biotin - 20 mcg (6.5%)

Pantothenic Acid - 7.5 mg (75%)

Calcium - 105 mg (10%)

Iron - 4 mg (22%)

Iodine - 75 mg (50%)

Magnesium - 50 mg (12.5%)

Zinc - 5.5 mg (36.5%)

Selenium - 50 mcg (71.5%)

Copper - 0.45 mg (22.5%)

Manganese - 1.15 mg (57.5%)

Chromium - 17.5 mcg (14.5%)

Molybdenum - 25 mcg (33.5%)

Chloride - 36 mg (1%)

Potassium - 40 mg (1%)

Boron - 75 mcg

Nickel - 2.5 mcg

Silicon - 1 mg

Tin - 5 mcg

Vanadium - 5 mcg

Lycopene - 300 mcg

 

There are heaps of different takes on what is is recommended daily, I know there are big differences cross nationally- I personally go by European standards. It is controversial, there are a lot of people out there that are less than happy about the recommended daily intakes, and think that there are a lot of adjustments needed. It is a really hard one to decipher without knowing the science.

 

I take vitamin D 7000iu, which is a lot, but makes such a difference for me. If I am not taking it this way I supplement through sun beds.

I also take choline and inositol on top of that in high levels.

 

Formula VM-2000® Tablets Solgar Vitamins, Minerals, and Herbs.

 

These are amazing, recommended to my by the neurologist. They are also often recommended for cancer patients etc because the quality is really good, and levels high.

 

Comparatively the levels are much higher than centrium

 

Vitamin C (as Calcium Ascorbate) 300mg

Nutrient/Herbal Powder Base 260mg (Providing Alfalfa, Rosehip Extract, Citrus Bioflavonoids, Rutin, Siberian Ginseng, Echinacea Purpurea Root, Suma Root, Spirulina, Lecithin, Dong Quai, Oat Fibre, Parsley,Watercress, Hesperidin Complex, Guar Gum)

Isolated Soya Protein Powder 200mg

Vitamin E (200iu, as d-alpha tocopheryl succinate) 134mg

Calcium (as amino acid chelate+, carbonate) 64mg

Thiamin (Vitamin B1, as thiamine mononitrate) 100mg

Vitamin B6 (as pyridoxine hydrochloride) 100mg

Pantothenic Acid (as calcium pantothenate) 100mg

Riboflavin (Vitamin B2) 100mg

Niacin (as niacinamide) 100mg

Inositol 100mg

Choline (as bitartrate) 41mg

Natural Source Beta Carotene (as prep.) 2400ug

Providing other carotenoids 13ug

Magnesium (as oxide, as bisglycinate+) 32mg

Iron (as bisglycinate++) 10mg

Boron (as sodium borate, citric acid) 1mg

Betaine HC l25mg

Zinc (as oxide, as bisglycinate+)15mg

Manganese (as gluconate, amino acid chelate+) 2mg

Soya Lecithin 20mg

Vitamin B12 (as cobalamin prep.) 100ug

Copper (as gluconate, as bisglycinate+) 1500ug

Biotin (as prep.) 100ug

Vitamin D (400iu, as D2, ergocalciferol prep.) 10ug

L-Orthinine HCl 6mg

Selenium (as selenomethionine) 25ug

L-Glutathione 5mg

Taurine 5mg

Folic Acid (as prep.) 400ug

Iodine (as potassium iodide prep.) 150ug

Chromium (as picolinate, yeast free) 25ug

 

If you can it might be good to get some vitamin/minerals tests done, and then do your own research on what levels you think would be good for you, or what ones might help. I am a member of the longevity society where I live, and even within that group there are lots of different opinions floating around.

 

It might not make a difference, but anything that might help even a little bit is worth a shot

Edited November 30, 2013 by melell

[AnyaNova]

Your type? Sure, let's grab a cup of coffee sometime. I'll make sure the vendor spikes our beverages with extra B vitamins .

 

Yes, The OP's posts are "nuggets of gold" ...... I enjoy reading them.

 

AShogunNamedMarcus, taking vitamins orally is effective. Just make sure you take them with food. Vitamins taken on an empty stomach will not be absorbed optimally, and are likely to be eliminated through "restroom breaks", if you catch my drift. Moreover, I'd suggest taking them with some healthy fats so that the fat soluble vitamins (A,D,E, and K) have a chance to be absorbed in the body too.

 

@AShogunNamedMarcus: The only warning I'd add, is that oral supplements might not be effective or as effective if you suffer from any digestive issues that might impair absorption, such as celiac, unspecified gluten intolerance or Chron's disease.

 

In that case, if you did, you might need to go the route I have recently began, which is vitamin shots (although thankfully, so far, I only need these for vitamin B.

 

@Under.The.Radar: I wonder what a Raspberry Cappuccino with a shot of B complex would taste like?

[radiodarcy]

Until I learn how to process this better, I think it's been more helpful than harmful for me to avoid those situations. Even if it means shutting myself off from the world.

 

I too have BPD and feel the same way. I got into an argument with my Dad on Thanksgiving over the way my stepmother was treating me.

 

I tried to keep it in because once I get upset, my emotions tend to run out of control. Especially when I am around family. But after one snipe too many from her, I imploded.

 

And once I did, my Dad blamed me for feeling the way I did which made me more upset. I am supposed to have a family therapy session with him tomorrow. But I have a feeling it's going to be more of the same.

 

He doesn't think I have BPD and thinks I am being overly sensitive and need to be more understanding towards others. Which I try to do, but it's really frustrating and upsetting when they don't extend the same courtesy to me and accuse me of overreacting.

 

But yeah - - this is one of many reasons why i would rather not interact with people period. It's too emotionally stressful. And the fall out lasts for days, up to a week. Before i start to feel calm again.

Edited December 6, 2013 by radiodarcy

[Mario79]

Hey Shogun,

 

I was diagnosed with AvPD a while back. I am constantly monitoring my emotions and reactions to people and things. Before I post something I can think it and re think it wondering what the person that reads might think.

 

My life experience through out the jobs I have held and relationships I have been in, its that its impossible to avoid conflict. Regardless of the amount preparation you have done. The good thing is experience though, I value empirical data over theoretical. Hands on approach means failing a lot.

 

Find a place where you can be comfortable doing that. Kinda like a playing a video game, you have to die to develop a strategy specially if the difficulty is cranked to the max. You have to play daily to get good other wise your technique will get rusty.

 

I would still visit my parents, cause withdrawing is just easiest thing to do, and it only feels good when you have done something that bring a little of that stress out.

 

Its a good post.