Hurting and need advice Very long story (still left out a lot of important stuff too)

[imokurnot]

[color=blue][/color] I just lost my 7 yr girlfriend to another guy. She cheated on me for a month with him and in the end chose him over me. Sounds simple doesn't it? It's not quite that easy for me and she says it isn't for her either. To start out when we split up I really didn't believe her or that she could actually follow through. When she did it I sent a dozen roses (yellow) to her work and wrote a nice card out. She immediately email-ed me because she was in meeting and coundn't call me. Well then it became later in the evening and there was no excuse for her to not all me and thank me so I started to snoop her email's (I helped her with a problem and she had given me password long time ago). Sure enough some guy had sent her an email and I found it. Immediately I knew she was with him and I called her cell only to get voice-mail and I explain I had found the email and knew she was with him. She called back and was shocked. I hung up on her after a few tears and said goodbye.

 

The next morning she calls and first thing out of her mouth, "I love you". I say me too but why did you do this if you love me. She says can I come by and we can go to my counselor visit together. I say sure. We go and about 15 minutes in I figure out that her counselor has been conned in to telling me it's over and making me understand that we aren't compatible. I get defensive (bad of me I know) and we leave. She grabs my arm as we walk to the car. She holds my hand as I drive home. She kisses me fully when we get home. We cry and laugh and cry and hold each other and have sex. She has to go to some more appointments and leaves but is coming back after them . We eat our Chinese take-out and hug, cry, have sex. We are together all day from 10:00am until 1:00am. I ask her if she is going to work in the am and her reply is yes (she lost a 3k bonus for calling in sick to often already this quarter). I give her encouraging words and tell her to do well at work and prove her value to the place etc. In the morning I go to send another dozen roses (sheeesh getting expensive to be dumped). I expect a call from her thanking me but instead I get one from flower shop saying they can't be delivered because she called in sick to work. I am pissed so I call her cell. The other guy answers and as I ask to talk to her he pauses and says she isn't available. I lose it and hang up. I start to cry hard. I keep calling because I want to talk to her. Finally the guy says yesterday was for closure and he doesn't think I will ever hear from her again. I didn't tell him all that we did because I don't care about this guy and I am nice (well sometimes).

 

A week goes by she won;'t answer phone at all and says NC to me in an email. Another week and I hear from her out of the blue. I go to her house and we get donuts for breakfast and have a blast. That night she says she wants to come over and see me. She goes to her new boyfriend and tells him they need to see other people much to his dismay. She comes by after she went to some concert with him @ 10:00pm and we have an awesome night of sex and candlelight with music I had picked for the occasion. We had sex like 7 times throughout the night and morning. We get up and go to breakfast. When we leave each other she says she will come back tonight but she was going to spend the day with her best friend. I say cool no worries. She comes by @9 pm and is dressed really nice. I know she saw him and she admits it was a birthday party for his mom (or dad I forget but 50th). So she says she was with him all night but thought of me and that's why she came over like she had said she would. We have sex and a great night. He had actually asked her down to his place (an hour away) for the night but she followed through and had come to my place.

 

We talk like every other day and after that weekend she said it was special and she would remember it the rest of her life. It was very emotional. she had told me previously that we just weren't compatible etc. Now I ask her what she thought after the weekend. She said we are very compatible and knew that all along. She said it was the best weekend ever for her. She leaves for work in the am and I get a job offer out of state. I send text mssg and tell her about it and she has a break down at work and leaves and comes straight over. We cry hug, laugh, have sex, etc. She leaves that night and I hear from her at 1:00am (I figured she was with him but ?) she tells me not to go to TX etc. I say lets talk in the am I am asleep. I call her in the am and she has talked to her mom and asked her what if I go to Tex and she goes with me? How would her mom react. This is a weird thing because her mom and I were not talking or getting along in the end. Her mom tells her she wouldn't hold her back from her happiness if she went. Her mom also told her to let me go however and not be selfish having her cake and eating it too. Still huge that she woul;d even ask her mom about going..blows my mind. She decided to let me go and free me. I decide not to take job (for me I would have been miserable).

 

The next night I know she goes to his house. Calls me in the am and something has changed. She comes by in the morning after she called me and says hi. She tells me she had no plans of calling me let alone seeing me that day in fact she wanted to try and avoid me. Didn't work But she wouldn't kiss me fully now. I don't know whether she got back to being exclusive with him or like she tells me it is just to hard if she kisses me. Anyway the next day she calls and says "dinner" I say ok lets go to dinner. No make it for us she says Ill be by. I make it she leaves and no kisses other than pecks. She takes a nap with me on the bed and hold each other for 45 mins and she leaves. I get jealous and we get in a fight. NC implemented by her again and we don't talk for 2 weeks.

 

Christmas eve she calls @ 10pm. Christmas day night around 8:30 pm. She is crying and misses me. She says I know you have moved on now and closed the door. I say yeah i'm sorry (lying my ass off). She says I love you at end of call and I don't say it in return. she calls back and says did you hear me? Why no, what did you say. I said I love you, once again no response from me other than I know you do. She cries and hangs up. The next day she calls I don't answer. She calls repeatedly over next hour and a half and finally leaves a message on cell. Has a question please call her. I do and it's about contacting my daughter. etc. She comes by that night but still no kiss just a peck.

 

Last night I talk to her and she has moved from close to me to about 1/2 hour away. Her best friends house is where she is living. Her new bf is her best friends cousin. She acted as if last night was last time we will see each other or at least she is going to try for that. She finally told me why she left(she had said all along it isn't about the other guy). She tells me now after like 1 1/2 months that she wants to get married and have a family. That is all i ever wanted as well. She is 31 nd I am 39(new bf is 28). I say i was waiting for you to clear things up w/your mom. She was waiting for me to get a new job (I have now 2 jobs). After I lost my job I got depressed and we drifted big time. She felt I didn't pay enough attention to her and I had withdrawn. She saw no future in us after 7 yrs and thought time was running out on her options for having a family. etc. I say communication, all we had to do was communicate. She says I know we couldn't get back now because you have all the anger and resentment about what I did and I am sorry. She said if we did get back that I would bring it up if we fought and that I had gotten mad and said mean things on her voice-mail and sent mean emails about the cheating thing and she knows I couldn't get over it. Was she fishing to see if I could really or ?

 

I want her back. She has said a few times that the guy does things and she says to herself "D (me) would never have done that to me". This after like 1 1/2 months together? She has told me my personality is the best. This after coming directly over after spending 3 days and nights with him. So he isn't mr personality either evidently. She says she still loves me and never fell out of love with me. I have my crap together now and she sees that as well (partially). She says she is watching me closely from afar. She says if she got back with me it would be her and I against the world. As if to say she would hurt the guy and her best friend and their family. Like I care he shoulda backed off. What's going on? She is confused I know that but trying to push me out of her mind. Trying NC to get over me and she left me. She tells me she hurt just as bad as I did. BS no possible way the dumper hurts as bad as the dumpee when they go straight into a relationship with the person they were cheating with. I think she knows she messed up and is still trying to ruin. She has told me she is running before, she admitted she misses me and cries for me when she is alone. She says the new bf knows she still loves me. She says I was mean and pushed her away a couple times and that set us back. She says he treats her like a queen and I didn't in the end. She is on Prozac and just started to see her counselor right before break up (well 2 months before). When we saw counselor together I learned she had been talking to her about leaving me. Yeah for guess how long? 1 month the same amount of time she was cheating on me with new bf. I did call and tell him everything about our weekend together on his voice mail. He is afraid of me completely. She said he fears for his safety. Well if he didn't live an hour or more away he should. But I calm down before I get half way there and turn around and come home. What do I do now? The NC worked as she called me a lot that day but also I don't want to help her forget me. What do I do?

 

If you made it this far Thank You very much!

[agnf666]

Ok... I have to rethink about all this mess here.... If you were to think about gettin back wit her you need to tell her to choose who she wants to be with. You or that other guy. You have to lay that down at the very begining. It sounds like you are doin better with out her. I know you still ove her deep down but, she is a mess right now. What is really funny, is the fact she is worried about hurting the other guy, when she hurt you... Was she ever on prozac when you were with her. If she wasn't... You can see that she just needs to be alone for a while to get herself straight. So, maybe she can try to figure out what guy to go with. This may or may not help you but. My total advice is to move on, put the past in the past and open a new chapter...

[imokurnot]

No she wasn't on the Prozac when we were together. She had it prescribed but always stopped after one day saying it made her tired. She even commented to me once that she knows it isn't fair that she is trying to work on her communication with people and she is working with her counselor on relationships, and taking her medication now when she never did anything to work on things in our 7 years together. I said, "Uh well now that you mention it, theres one mor ething for me to be resentful about". If she had done these thngs we would have been fine and she knows it. She was more worried about finances and moving on to getting married. What she didn't understand was her attitude sucked and that's why I was so withdrawn after the first 3 yrs were awesome. Her depression made me feel like I was at fault for not making her happy. I know it is n't my responsibility but I am happiest when my partner is happy with me. I took it as rejection or somehow my fault she was unhappy. That was my fault, but you can't treat someone like a queen if they keep hitting you over the head with bricks because they have emotional issues. She has to realize some of this and feel guilty and hurt and wonder what if?

[agnf666]

She has some problems. For one, you can try to make someone happy if they are just going to treat you like **** anyway. I cna't even see how she is goin to be able to get married. Her mind was in so many differnet place when you too were together. You can be resentful about it, I wonder why she is all up tight about see the conselor. It may be in your best interest to begin NC for a while. If you keep talkin to her it is going to bring you down. Since, you seem to be doing well. You don't need that. YOu may regret some of the things that have happened in your relationship with her but you both have learned from it (atleast you have). You need to let her go for good. She needs to move on with out you.

[imokurnot]

Because I am a wreck. She is confused but I really feel we had something we just got complacent. I think her best friend and the new guy being her cousin, make her think it would be too hard to work things out with me. She is making excuses like the "you could never get over what I did to you and how I hurt you. I know that now because you get so mad sometimes." That's an excuse or probing to see my response. Oh she told me in the beginning that she had cheated on every bf she ever had. I lasted 7 yrs that is a new record. So she needs to grow up and realize her actions hurt people and they are wrong.

 

She likes this guy and says he is very nice. I just can tell she knows he isn't the one and it is short term I think. She won't admit that but I see it in her. She says she is in total control of this relationship and seems proud of that fact. I told her see us both and see who she likes better (this was a month or more agao) and her reply was "I could never do that to him". My reply to that was, "Why not you did it to me but I didn't have a clue". I meant she could tell him or whatever. She got pissed and walked away from my car saying she never wanted to see me again. LOL that lasted about 3 days.

 

She is lost and I know I should run and let him have all the headaches. There is a part of all of us that thinks the problems will be all solved in the SO new relationship and we feel like we look bad or our ego is hurt. Well she already said he doesn't really believe or understand her depression. She said he does things that make her think, "D would never do that to me". She tells me how great my personality is after coming from being with him for 72 hours just prior to seeing me. The only thing this guy has on me is money and a future in her eyes. I have been through 2 divorces (same person, not this girl but same wife twice) and started at 0 twice in my life and it was tough. That is all he has on me. He is 11 yrs younger too but I am young in appearance and at heart and physically my body is solid, better than his by far she says lol. I texted her once and lied. I said that a friend of mine and myself went to see the guys house and saw the two of them together and he is a dork. Her reply was "Dork or not he has me; You had my heart and broke it, it can't be fixed". Well I may be wrong but I took that as he is a dork since she didn't really argue the fact LOL. So he in my mind is no competition. I am my only competition and recently I have been losing to me and that sucks lol.

[ajogokats]

She sounds seriously mixed up and that does nothing but drive you insane,if you are strong enough,try NC. How old is she? Sounds like she is very immature. If she loves you it will be you alone,noone else. Good luck,I thought my situation was bad. AJ.

[imokurnot]

Originally posted by ajogokats

She sounds seriously mixed up and that does nothing but drive you insane,if you are strong enough,try NC. How old is she? Sounds like she is very immature. If she loves you it will be you alone,noone else. Good luck,I thought my situation was bad. AJ.

 

She is 31 and I am 39. She is in counseling and I actually thought that would be my savior. It turned out she manipualted the counselor into thinking I was not that great a boyfriend and got the counselors help in breaking up with me. This after a month or so of her discussing the situation with her counselor. She left out one significant point when telling the counselor about us, that being that she was seeing this other guy for the month she was soliciting the advce as to what to do with the relationship. Kind of an importand little nugget to leave out of that talk wouldn't you think? She sasy she didn't think it was impoertant that the counselor knew that. Then after the counselor and the two of us met, when she had the counselor help her in effect break up with me, we went home and spent 13 hours together crying, kissiing, hugging, making love etc. she left at 2:00am and the necxt day i call her cell and get the new guy. He says she isn;t there and I got pissed (who wouldn't). She cals the same counselor and the counselor tells her I am dangerous(Huh?). The counselor tells her to invoke NC and if I don't comply to get restraining order. All I did was call and say I need to talk to her (well about 10 times). But I later asked her if she told the counselor about the night before and how she said she was still "in love" with me and unsure of her decision or that we had sex about 6 times, we had dinner, we laughed and cried and carried on until 2:00am (counselor session was 9:00am), she tells me she didn't think it was any of the counselors business and she didn't need to know that. Wow, well I guess maybe it made me look a little funny to be calling saomeone that told me it was over the day before numerous times. Somehow I think that information may have made me look like a normal, rational person who got jerked araound. She can't look bad in any way so she leaves things out and builds allies against me. That drives me crazy. The counselor told her she is the emotional equivelant of a 12 yr old. I never thought about that literally but I am beginning to think that's how I am meant to take it, literally.

[ajogokats]

Not to sound cold, but take a good look at your postings, you sound totally stressed mentally and in need of a serious break. Good luck man,I'de pray about it. Hope it works out, AJ.

[moon]

It looks like the only thing you can do is to take a step back and stop calling her. She's even got her therapist telling you to stay away. It does sound like she loves you. So hope that fate brings you back together. But it doesn't sound like there is much more that you can do about this situation. You are going to have a hard time dealing with the aftermath of this. Get yourself a therapist. Get some new hobbies. Hold tight for a while and maybe you'll get the answers you're looking for.

[imokurnot]

Yeah I am ok. I need to take like 5 steps back. I started to smother her again after she broke down on Christmas and the day after because she was missing me. Now I need to lay back and do my own thing again like I was before Christmas. Oh well I have to do the things that I feel are right at the time or unavoidable anyway. Now I must stay away and NC for a week or so at least.

[ajogokats]

That would be a good start. Stick with it. Get a grip,see what's taking place here. Got to get control of the situation,jealousy will kill you mentally,believe it. AJ.

[imokurnot]

She called me and I answered. I think I played the aloof part last week and had her calling me non stop and this time she did it to me. Wasn't too bad because once we talked I recognized what was going on. I just wrote down a goal of 1 week no contact. Not too hard that I can't make it and not short enough that she will think I am done and moving on so she should get deeper as well. I know it isn't much but after talking everyday multiple times for 7 years, every day seems very long and hard to get through. If I make this goal I will see how our talk goes and I can re-evaluate where we stand. I can read her like a book and I assume after 7 yrs she can me as well. My mom was an actress many years ago so maybe I can call upon the actor that must reside somewhere in my genes to be aloof and happy when I talk to her next.