Trying to get over MM

[C00kie]

Yesterday I left a comment in another thread on how I was trying to bring myself out of this and get over MM. Sometimes, knowing what we must do is not enough to make us do it, because it's just an addictive and extremely painful situation that often steals your better judgement.

 

So I thought maybe this would justify a thread of its own. I'm basically going to copy some of the things I wrote and complement with some other ideas.

 

The constant wondering, fear, insecurity, walking on eggshells, self-doubt, self-sabotage, which lead us to lose perception of ourselves, to mental (and physical) exhaustion, depression, and losing sight of who we really are and what the world could be like for us...this is crazy making; we overanalyse, we may even see ourselves as practical (given the circumstances) and even intelligent (or so others may say), but we're not getting any answers. Thats why I'm trying to focus on myself now.I'm trying to do that but I've just only started and dont know what to do exactly, but I know I want to make MYSELF, and not him, the center of my world again.

 

I've limited the number of times I log on facebook (and try not to check his profile everyday - not easy to fight the urge though, and sometimes it gets the best out of me), I've started doing different things, even if apparently unimportant, like taking a walk in my neighbourhood when I get home from work, taking a hot bath while listening to smooth fm, reading again (even if sometimes I lack concentration to do so). Anything that will help me keep me sane really, down this very very hard and painful path.

 

Some people may say "I can't bring myself to do these things. I feel anxiety growing, my mind can't thing of anything else". I feel like this too. But what other option do we have besides, sometimes, forcing ourselves to do this? That's why it's called fighting. Not against ourselves, but for ourselves. Even if you can't bring yourself to be strong everyday (I certainly can't and have the lowest points...).

 

I've also listed some of the things I want to achieve. I wrote some general words on a notebook, like peace, self-control, self-love, focus, lightness, letting go, acceptance, self-knowledge, re-discovery (of myself and the world around me), letting go of guilt, calm, discipline, perseverance.

 

I've only just started so I cant say I've been successful yet. But at least I'm trying. Not only are this situations completely unhealthy, I must also work on myself, because I also have issues, that I had prior to this relationship, but are more triggered by the circumstances.

 

What is keeping me from staying calm is the wondering. Why did he do this and that. Is he a good person or not? Am I being paranoid or not? Will he suffer when he loses me? Will he be relieved? You get to a point where you don't know anything anymore. And that's where you need to take a step back and that's what I'm trying to do. For myself and my mental sanity mostly. We all deserve peace.

 

Any insight on this would be great, specially on how to stop wondering. How to accept, how to let go...how to love ourselves more. How do we make peace with everything? How can you get closure and get over it, how can you think things over without feeling a piece of crap? How to fight the urge to go after him? Any ideas on how to leave these thoughts a little bit behind and bring OURSELVES to the command will be welcome.

[KathyM]

I have a suggestion. It's kind of based on the principle of Cognitive Therapy. With Cognitive Therapy, one exercise we do is thought reframing. In the case of a depressed person, for example, who thinks mainly negative thoughts, we have him practice reframing his thoughts into more positive ones. In your case, the opposite could be done. Affair partners tend to romanticize the MM, and think of him in positive romanticized ways that are usually not taking the negative into account. You could practice thought reframing by taking romanticized thoughts and reframing them into more realistic and even negative thoughts about the MM. For example, when you have a thought such as that your MM is so attractive, you could follow that up with a negative, such as "My MM is so attractive on the outside, but so rotten on the inside," and you could even add visualizing the MM and imagine his insides being black or decayed. This is the same type of thing counselors use to also help people overcome other addictions. We help them associate the addictive behavior with something negative through thought reframing and visualization of negative images, such has having a smoker imagine himself smoking and then visualizing his lungs as black and eroded. So I would suggest you practice the thought reframing:

 

"My MM is good to me, but he is being horrible to his wife and children."

 

"Sex with MM is good, but he is also having sex with his wife."

 

"I like spending time with MM, but I only get to see him a little while until he goes home to his wife and children."

 

"MM is charming to me, but he probably says crappy things to his wife."

 

This helps you to see things in a more realistic light, when you are not overly-romanticizing the MM and are adding the negative which is also the reality. It may help you to get over him faster when you practice this thought reframing. Don't purposely conjure up positive thoughts and follow them up with negative, but when you do start thinking of him in positive terms, follow it up with a more realistic or more negative thought, such as I gave for examples.

[KathyM]

Another suggestion would be to start focusing on providing yourself empowering self talk on a daily basis, such as:

 

"I deserve someone who will be there for me, and who will make me a priority in his life."

 

"I deserve someone who will be with me exclusively."

 

"I will take care of myself and protect myself."

[C00kie]

Thank you Kathy. That makes sense. But lately I haven't been romanticizing him at all...I'm already thinking some of the negatives you mentioned, very often. Of course it makes him so much less attractive in my eyes, but the love's still there.

Some of this negative thoughts...I don't know if they're based in curcumstances or my hurt and paranoia is making me see things worse than they are. Things aren't pretty as they are, but I don't know...my mind just doesn't know where to stop anymore. And this is why I have to stop this nonsense thinking (and living!).

[KathyM]

Stopping your thoughts is difficult, but reframing them is more doable and is effective. I have to head to work now, but I hope I've given you some suggestions you can use.

[C00kie]

Stopping your thoughts is difficult, but reframing them is more doable and is effective. I have to head to work now, but I hope I've given you some suggestions you can use.

 

You sure did. Thanks for taking the time! <3

[ComingInHot]

Just my 2 cents for whatever that's worth...

I'm thinking of my own past relationships. The good and the Not so good. Most of the men I dated We're good people. It was the hard realization that they weren't "good" for me. That was always a hard pill to swallow. Even harder (and this is where maybe A's come into play too??) was realizing the I was Not "good" for them. Ugh & yuck, but True.

 

Instead of looking back fondly or with love or even anger (that last one takes only what time can give), I take into account my own and their Accountability!

 

I look at Myself First. Why did I date them? What made Me choose them? What did I contribute to him and the relationship? Then, what were the circumstances surrounding the relationship? Was it Honest? Honorable? Open? Was I? Was He?

 

When I was able to work through these things, I was able to learn So much about myself a d make changes to be better for Me which ultimately lead me to a healthier, happier future with or without a "man".

 

And guess what?! I'm doing just that Again!!

 

Best of everything*

CIH

[thecharade]

I have done all of these things. I had to force negative reframing. I am very codependent and see the best in everyone, but that has come at a high price to me. If I insist on positive thoughts and perceptions of him, then I am left feeling sad or rejected. But if I intentionally reframe things negatively, then I find the anger to stay away. And rightfully protect myself!!!!

 

I also read a very helpful website that advocated "Rejecting the rejector!" Their viewpoint is that anyone that doesn't treat you as you deserve should be rejected by you, in your heart and in your mind! It is not your job to convince someone to respect you; it is your job to dismiss those who do not respect you (by demonstrating their giving, selfless actions). Reject the rejector, because THEY are not good enough for wonderful, precious US! Reject your wanting him. Unacceptable. He does not meet your requirements.

 

Also, as I dismissed him more and more as unworthy of me, I spent a lot of time filling the empty places in my soul with things that brought me peace or comfort or fun or joy. I took long bubble baths, went for bike rides, went for massages or pedicures, made elaborate recipes that I'd always wanted to try, cleaned closets, organized drawers, repainted rooms, gardened, planned exciting trips, just everything. It went like this . . .

 

"I feel sad. Ok, enough on that! What do I feel like doing for me that would make me happy?" And I do it (did it) and it has been so nice. I have enjoyed so many of those moments. From sadness I found comfort, from myself.

 

And he is slowly fading from my mind. It is now more uncommon than common for me to think about him.

 

Good luck.

[Quiet Storm]

I love this thread because it is providing constructive advice that people can really use. It's easy to logically KNOW that you should be over him, but actually getting your feelings to follow you logic is much more difficult!

 

Reframing and "reject the rejector" are great methods to help you heal and put yourself first.

 

Another thing that helps control thoughts is to allow yourself a set time frame to think of MM- postponing your thoughts. For example, during the day when MM pops into your mind, immediately get busy doing something else & replace that thought. Tell yourself, I will think about this later. Allow yourself 15 minutes late in the day to sit with your feelings, cry, throw darts at his picture, etc. But ONLY allow yourself 15 minutes.

 

I find that this postponing method allows you to have more control in the beginning when you are obsessing, analyzing, wondering, etc. You are still "allowed" to feel & mourn, but the set time frame keeps you from thinking about it all day. It also puts things in perspective because consciously pushing those thoughts back to a later time can prompt you to realize "I am wasting WAY too much head space on this loser".

 

This method is often used by OCD sufferers- they postpone their rituals, and Anxiety sufferers- they have a set "worry period".

 

Eventually, you will find that you don't need the whole 15 minutes to be sad. You will see that even thinking of him for 15 minutes is a waste of time.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Nothisgirl]

I don't have any great advice but wanted to say Ty for posting this....I haven't ended our affair yet but am planning on doing so very soon...because I can't be the ow any longer and because the guilt is killing me but I'm terrified of how I am actually going to move past it and get over him emotionally....it's nice to know those feelings are normal even when you're doing something "wrong"

 

Best of luck to you

[C00kie]

 

Another thing that helps control thoughts is to allow yourself a set time frame to think of MM- postponing your thoughts. For example, during the day when MM pops into your mind, immediately get busy doing something else & replace that thought. Tell yourself, I will think about this later. Allow yourself 15 minutes late in the day to sit with your feelings, cry, throw darts at his picture, etc. But ONLY allow yourself 15 minutes.

 

I find that this postponing method allows you to have more control in the beginning when you are obsessing, analyzing, wondering, etc. You are still "allowed" to feel & mourn, but the set time frame keeps you from thinking about it all day. It also puts things in perspective because consciously pushing those thoughts back to a later time can prompt you to realize "I am wasting WAY too much head space on this loser".

 

This method is often used by OCD sufferers- they postpone their rituals, and Anxiety sufferers- they have a set "worry period".

 

Eventually, you will find that you don't need the whole 15 minutes to be sad. You will see that even thinking of him for 15 minutes is a waste of time.

 

Love this advice. I'm getting really great ideas just by reading your posts. Keeping them in mind will surely help me follow through

[yellowmaverick]

Cookie - I have a question for you. Is getting over your MM more difficult than getting over other past break-ups? If so, why? What is it about an affair that causes one to obsess more than she would with a non-affair break-up?

[C00kie]

So that you know how weak I can be:

 

My best friend just invited me to go with her to a dance class tonight...starting in an hour. I really feel like going, but in the back of my mind (HOW INSANE IS THIS - JUST SLAP ME) I feel that I shouldn't go just IN CASE he calls...and he may not even call. If he does, I'll feel bad because I never know when exactly we will be able to talk and I won't be home...

 

GOD.

 

I'm going to the dance class.

 

My dear MM, if it's ok for you not to contact me for 2 days or even more while you're sitting on your fabulous couch with your beautiful wife, it must be ok for me to go do a dance class. If it's not...I'll cry my heart out but honey, good riddance.

 

Jeez!

[C00kie]

Cookie - I have a question for you. Is getting over your MM more difficult than getting over other past break-ups? If so, why? What is it about an affair that causes one to obsess more than she would with a non-affair break-up?

 

Yes, it's way more difficult. I've thought about it too...I think the affair is way more unhealthy, you dont get to have any closure, or it's much harder to, and that makes you feel bad and at the same time wondering all the time...therefore, kind of addicted. That must be it. It rises too many question - not only the normal ones that any relationship has - but deeper ones.

[BrokenPrincess]

I love this thread because it is providing constructive advice that people can really use. It's easy to logically KNOW that you should be over him, but actually getting your feelings to follow you logic is much more difficult!

 

Reframing and "reject the rejector" are great methods to help you heal and put yourself first.

 

Another thing that helps control thoughts is to allow yourself a set time frame to think of MM- postponing your thoughts. For example, during the day when MM pops into your mind, immediately get busy doing something else & replace that thought. Tell yourself, I will think about this later. Allow yourself 15 minutes late in the day to sit with your feelings, cry, throw darts at his picture, etc. But ONLY allow yourself 15 minutes.

 

I find that this postponing method allows you to have more control in the beginning when you are obsessing, analyzing, wondering, etc. You are still "allowed" to feel & mourn, but the set time frame keeps you from thinking about it all day. It also puts things in perspective because consciously pushing those thoughts back to a later time can prompt you to realize "I am wasting WAY too much head space on this loser".

 

This method is often used by OCD sufferers- they postpone their rituals, and Anxiety sufferers- they have a set "worry period".

 

Eventually, you will find that you don't need the whole 15 minutes to be sad. You will see that even thinking of him for 15 minutes is a waste of time.

 

Reframing has been a bust for me, but I am going to try this 15 minute technique. I'm having a really rough time today and finally just succumbed to the letting the tears flow. I'm freaking sobbing like it just ended yesterday but I am cutting myself of in 4 minutes, dammit.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Cookie - I have a question for you. Is getting over your MM more difficult than getting over other past break-ups? If so, why? What is it about an affair that causes one to obsess more than she would with a non-affair break-up?

 

I know you asked this of C00kie but I would like to take a stab, if I may. Many of these relationships (not all but many), do not run their natural course. There is quite a bit of documentation that supports the fact that many affairs die a natural death. For many of us here, that did not happen. It was abrupt - brought on by a dday and subsequent NC. I would say, most likely, if the affair had continued it would have eventually died anyway - probably because it would become too much of a bother or just go the way most relationships or breakups do.

 

The most difficult thing about these types of breakups is that there is usually not closure and many unanswered questions and it is like a death (but the body is still hanging around).

 

I don't know if I am articulating it well or not, but this is just my thought on it?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Reframing has been a bust for me, but I am going to try this 15 minute technique. I'm having a really rough time today and finally just succumbed to the letting the tears flow. I'm freaking sobbing like it just ended yesterday but I am cutting myself of in 4 minutes, dammit.

 

Must be the time of year - sorry you are feeling badly.

 

But I love all of this advice. It is very, very helpful.

[C00kie]

Reframing has been a bust for me, but I am going to try this 15 minute technique. I'm having a really rough time today and finally just succumbed to the letting the tears flow. I'm freaking sobbing like it just ended yesterday but I am cutting myself of in 4 minutes, dammit.

 

you're not alone. Hope this thread hopes you in some way. We'll get through it, we can not stop believing. Keep your head up

[Mcle]

I think it's harder because of the cycle between amazing and horrible creates an addiction. You only get the good times with him, but then you suffer until the next good time. Or so I've heard.

[thecharade]

Affairs have a mind f*ck quality, more like an abusive R than anything else. For example, every hurt you suffer gets turned around and upside down to be "not MM or MW's fault." At first we believe that we are crying over his vacation but we shouldn't be, because he "has to go" and how could he disappoint his kids? True, we think. Then we think,"Wait, HUH? Why can't he/she get a divorce? Other people do it."

 

It reminds me of a girl I knew in high school who was dating an abusive loser. I saw bruises on her arm and asked her about them. She told me,"Oh, well, he TOLD me not to interrupt him when he's telling me something, and I forgot. It was my fault." Really?!!!

 

When we are ending the A and they are crying their big ole' tears, we wonder why we're leaving someone who clearly loves us so much. Because in that moment, it looks exactly like love! All the hurt we've suffered? Maybe we really did cause it with our silly expectations and selfish desires. Yep, the bruising on our arm is OUR fault.

 

Up is down. Down is up. Our abuser just loves us. And we're causing our own pain. Right? Or is that wrong? Yes. But maybe no.

 

If you aren't crazy when you enter an A, you are still guaranteed to be fully schizophrenic by the time it ends.

[Star4223]

I know you asked this of C00kie but I would like to take a stab, if I may. Many of these relationships (not all but many), do not run their natural course. There is quite a bit of documentation that supports the fact that many affairs die a natural death. For many of us here, that did not happen. It was abrupt - brought on by a dday and subsequent NC. I would say, most likely, if the affair had continued it would have eventually died anyway - probably because it would become too much of a bother or just go the way most relationships or breakups do.

 

The most difficult thing about these types of breakups is that there is usually not closure and many unanswered questions and it is like a death (but the body is still hanging around).

 

I don't know if I am articulating it well or not, but this is just my thought on it?

 

This really hits home for me. I am going through my Break Up right now (or it feels to me like a break up) The A is a BIG roller coaster rides and like Cookie said you postpone so much of your life for a little crumb of their day. Just that little crumb makes it all feel worth all the pain. I am fighting a battle right now in my head and in my heart because my MM has gotten to be my BEst Friend so its like I have lost not just one person, but two persons. I hate to think about my life without him in it. One minute he makes me feel like nothing has changes, the next day after he de activated his Facebook page, he reactivated it and blocked me. But of course he told one of our friends that his Facebook page is "jacked up" and he thought I had blocked him. It really hurts, but this is the crap I am dealing with right now. At the beginning of the week we are planning on me going on a trip with him for a few days at the end of next week and now this stuff happens. In these affairs you just get into the High Highs and the Low Lows and when something bad happens like he doesnt want to talk to you or see you, we automatically put the blame on ourselves!! The Self Torture id the worst part of being in a relationship like these!!!

 

I feel so incredibly hurt right now and its the worst hurt I have EVER felt!! and I have been through a few very painful one on one relationship, but I have never felt so low cause those relationships ran their course and ended. This one has ended very abruptly and with no real explaination. It feels like he thinks ours wasnt a REAL relationship, when it meant EVERYTHING to me. Also its not like we can talk about it to all of our friends or co workers because we all know we will get no sympathy from most of our married friends and co workers. Its like "Well you knew he was married, so what did you expect?" So you really don't have that support system. and I am sure that why most of us are on here for emotional support from others who have been where we are right now. I just hope and prey to God I can be strong enough to make it outa this healthy, I am truly more scared losing him than I ever imagined!!!!!!

Edited November 30, 2013 by Star4223

[Cinnimon]

This really hits home for me. I am going through my Break Up right now (or it feels to me like a break up) The A is a BIG roller coaster rides and like Cookie said you postpone so much of your life for a little crumb of their day. Just that little crumb makes it all feel worth all the pain. I am fighting a battle right now in my head and in my heart because my MM has gotten to be my BEst Friend so its like I have lost not just one person, but two persons. I hate to think about my life without him in it. One minute he makes me feel like nothing has changes, the next day after he de activated his Facebook page, he reactivated it and blocked me. But of course he told one of our friends that his Facebook page is "jacked up" and he thought I had blocked him. It really hurts, but this is the crap I am dealing with right now. At the beginning of the week we are planning on me going on a trip with him for a few days at the end of next week and now this stuff happens. In these affairs you just get into the High Highs and the Low Lows and when something bad happens like he doesnt want to talk to you or see you, we automatically put the blame on ourselves!! The Self Torture id the worst part of being in a relationship like these!!!

 

 

I feel so incredibly hurt right now and its the worst hurt I have EVER felt!! and I have been through a few very painful one on one relationship, but I have never felt so low cause those relationships ran their course and ended. This one has ended very abruptly and with no real explaination. It feels like he thinks ours wasnt a REAL relationship, when it meant EVERYTHING to me. Also its not like we can talk about it to all of our friends or co workers because we all know we will

 

 

get no sympathy from most of our married friends and co workers. Its like "Well you knew he was married, so what did you expect?" So you really don't have that support system. and I am sure that why most of us are on here for emotional support from others who have been where we are right now. I just hope and prey to God I can be strong enough to make it outa this healthy, I am truly more scared losing him than I ever imagined!!!!!!

 

I can't speak for anyone other than myself but I have felt this intense pain that your are explaining. All I can offer you is a virtual hug and let you know that it won't last for ever or kill you, it will just feel like it. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Popsicle]

My problem is just not being busy and engaged in other things enough. Boredom makes me think about him.

Edited November 30, 2013 by Popsicle

[Beachgirl91]

I'm a week into my breakup. Every time I start thinking about all the good memories I immediately fill my head with thoughts of all the time wasted waiting for contact, the time spent listening to him complain that his BS isn't like me in that she doesn't give him the attention I do, the time spent waiting for a call I was told would come but didn't. All this stuff makes me angry. Really angry. If I stay angry I'm okay.

 

I'm also doing nice things for myself. I threw out all my makeup and bought fresh, bought myself some really pretty new bra and panty sets, went for a Manu and pedi. I'm looking good if I do say so myself. But I'm doing this for me. Not him. Looking good makes me feel good.

 

Also I'm sure there are a lot of things that remind you of MM. For instance my MM and I met online on a music lovers forum. We spent hours talking about music. Almost 100 percent of my playlist reminds me of him. I have started listening to an entirely different genre of music so I am not constantly reminded of him. Switch things up a bit to avoid things that remind you of him.

 

The most important thing I did (and by far the hardest) was to get rid of all texts, emails, photos. I hit delete on it all. He sent me numerous videos of him playing guitar for me showing me songs he learned "for me". Gone. He drew me the most beautiful charcoal drawings. Gone. It was awful getting rid of it all. My heart broke. But I'm glad I did. I know I would continue to reread all the texts, rewatch all the videos, continue to look at his pics. it would all suck me back in. I can't now that it's all gone and I'm happy about that.

 

Wow. Sorry so long. Hopefully some of its been useful to others.

[Popsicle]

I know you asked this of C00kie but I would like to take a stab, if I may. Many of these relationships (not all but many), do not run their natural course. There is quite a bit of documentation that supports the fact that many affairs die a natural death. For many of us here, that did not happen. It was abrupt - brought on by a dday and subsequent NC. I would say, most likely, if the affair had continued it would have eventually died anyway - probably because it would become too much of a bother or just go the way most relationships or breakups do.

 

The most difficult thing about these types of breakups is that there is usually not closure and many unanswered questions and it is like a death (but the body is still hanging around).

 

I don't know if I am articulating it well or not, but this is just my thought on it?

 

Do you ever find yourself wondering if the WS is suffering emotionally in the same way you are?