Born by force, then molested, then broken

[Johnsmith1003]

Been trying to avoid posts in this topic thread, but I have no choice.

I'll keep this short, but don't let that convince you any of this is less than detrimental for me right now. Uncle molested me when I was younger. Maybe 9 or 10. None of the touching continued but still wanted to see me naked several times. Talked about sex stuff I wasn't ever ready to learn from him, especially at that young age. That's the bigger damper on my mentality. Hardly any friends growing up so I was very very lonely. I have two sisters and I would grasp for their attention. One was a huge bully to me and my younger sister. I once had to pay her off to reconcile differences because I didn't have any other way of doing it. I needed to be liked. I grew up with that uncle and my grandmother and honestly neither really 'parented', they just kept me from a worse life with my nearly nonexistent father. I kinda learned everything on my own here (read my other post about puberty and you'll get a better grasp of my isolation and desperation). Again, very lonely. About my biological father, he got together with my biological mom in SoCal way back when and had my older sister, then me, then finally my younger sister. Here's the thing though, she's a paranoid schizophrenic. She talks and listens to trains (locomotives, yeah). She hears demons and things. She shot meth and who knows what else with all of us, and my youngest sister was 'oozing drugs for weeks' when she was born. She also died momentarily and then they resuscitated her.

 

But this whole time I was under the impression I was born under my own reconnaissance. Every time my grandmother would tell others I 'was born in an ambulance, sitting still" I thought that meant my mom dilated too much and couldn't make it to the hospital, hence the ambulance birth and that my prematurity is associated with 'getting out of there', but this wasn't the case. My wife confided in me a week ago that my grandmother told her a while back my nutcase mother tried to cut me out of her and kill me. Idk who called the paramedics but doesn't matter. THAT'S why I was 'born in an ambulance, sitting still", not upon my own doings. I was 3 months premature. This just broke what I already felt stated above. I'm just violated. Grandma told my wife she didn't want to tell me, but f*ck, I know now. How do I reason with this? No, "letting it go" without explanation won't work.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Johnsmith1003

[pteromom]

I am so sorry about your "family".

 

You have obviously gone through some horrible crap, and have been and are surrounded by some very damaged people.

 

You can rise above it. You aren't BROKEN. You are still here. You are a survivor, and you will survive this.

 

What option do you have besides letting it go? Are you still in contact with your mother? If so, you could confront her and tell her how you feel, but I fear that she wouldn't give you the reaction you'd be hoping for.

 

You could have a conversation with your grandmother about it.

 

But in the end, you have to accept that it is the past and you have made it through to the other side. You have a wife and a life, and you have to focus on making the most of who you are, and leave those who are incapable of a loving relationship behind.

[Johnsmith1003]

I am so sorry about your "family".

 

You have obviously gone through some horrible crap, and have been and are surrounded by some very damaged people.

 

You can rise above it. You aren't BROKEN. You are still here. You are a survivor, and you will survive this.

 

What option do you have besides letting it go? Are you still in contact with your mother? If so, you could confront her and tell her how you feel, but I fear that she wouldn't give you the reaction you'd be hoping for.

 

You could have a conversation with your grandmother about it.

 

But in the end, you have to accept that it is the past and you have made it through to the other side. You have a wife and a life, and you have to focus on making the most of who you are, and leave those who are incapable of a loving relationship behind.

 

Never 'met' my mother so no, no contact. I was contemplating the conversation with my grandma and that may shed some light. I'll do that.

[crederer]

Yeah man that's some pretty heavy stuff. You gotta know it had nothing to do with you. Your mum was obviously messed up mentally, and probably for a reason. keep that in mind.

 

But you're here. You made it and all you can do is contribute the best you can.

[Grumpybutfun]

JohnSmith:

Sexual predators for children are often family members, and it is an epidemic we ignore because people cannot believe in such cruelty. They would rather live in denial. In boy children, it is even worse because it is most commonly perpetuated by same sex family members which has such stigma and psychologically damaging effects that it often goes unreported. Your mother's abandonment and obvious mental problems/ addiction issues must be terrible to deal with and then to find out she tried to murder you must be overwhelming. I can imagine you are very angry and that is healthy. You were denied a regular ole childhood, and that is a shame. It might be helpful to talk to a professional about the abuse, even if you think you are okay and can handle it. Sometimes we need guidance on how to overcome feelings of regret, shame, denial and guilt. As a child you definitely weren't equipped to handle this, so you probably built up many coping mechanisms that keep you isolated and fearful.

I hope you find peace. No one should ever have to deal with this. My wife had a similar background and she has worked hard to heal, many times lost in her own pain so I had to help her take the next baby step in her recovery.

I am glad you are sharing your story. I think it really helps others who have been abused to understand that they aren't alone.

Best,

Grumps