How long till dust settles? (Post affair)

[LilGirlandOW]

After our year long A, MM and BS separate, he and I are still together and doing great (considering lol ). As you may or may not know I was MM's assistant and throughout most of our A we worked together and I know BS from several places. I understand since it's still fresh mostly it's far too soon for co-workers and BS to know we are a couple, although we don't really hide our relationship, I park in his driveway when I visit, spend nights, etc. his friends are mostly co-workers and all single so they are excited to have him "out with the boys" to meet women, he's very honest about it to me but hesitant to "out" our relationship to them as neither of us want talks of a workplace A out there, our plan is to "cross-paths" at some point and there is how we start dating, what neither of us know is how long to give things to cool off before that happens?

 

His family has known me for awhile, and they know we are still together.

 

We don't currently work together so we technically are free to date.

 

Where we live waiting for a divorce is very uncommon as there is a mandatory waiting period, most people will date within that time, it's a whole year.

 

I understand with kids being involved it will be tougher, so that is a consideration, at the same time his kids and I have always had a special friendship which has gone as far as his eldest saying to me that her dad has a crush on me and we should be gf & bf, keep in mind their household was very separated as far as MM and BS went so I have the feeling the kids on his end didn't see their relationship as romantic "lovey" like fairy tale-ish.

 

Thoughts about a good time frame? I love him so much, stood by as the perfect OW for. Over a year, being a secret gf for a bit isn't the end of my world, as I know I'm his world (next to his children). Q

[whatatangledweb]

I would say at least three months and I would go six. Otherwise people will figured out that it started as an affair. Which could make his divorce very messy. Also the children need to adjust to their parents being apart before seeing daddy or mommy dating.

[LilGirlandOW]

I would say at least three months and I would go six. Otherwise people will figured out that it started as an affair. Which could make his divorce very messy. Also the children need to adjust to their parents being apart before seeing daddy or mommy dating.

 

Thank you

[anne1707]

Lilgirl

 

You do realise that his children will eventually put 2 and 2 together and realise that you had an affair. They will more than likely find that hard enough and you are going to compound that by pretending nothing has happened.

 

I am speaking here as a child of divorced parents. My father married his OW. I knew they had an affair which caused me tremendous pain. It took a lomg time to deal with that but things that did not help were when things were chatted about (oh you remember when we went to such and such a place kind of stuff etc) and I realised that those things happened during the affair. There I was listening to my stepmother reminisce about how she and my father did all this nice stuff whilst he was lying to my mother and us. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

 

Don't assume you will get away with this pretense.

[LilGirlandOW]

Possibly you're right.

 

Did your parents D because of the A? One ally I have somewhat is that their D was for reasons nothing to do with me, and the BS has already prepped her kids for the fact that he and her will eventually meet new partners, that mixed with their super young ages, I'm hoping *fingers crossed* thAt combined with me giving them all the dad/kid time they want or need will be somewhat in my favour. Really there is no reason for them to think we were in an A, although we did spend time together as a whole, our kids are friends so it was always platonic play dates, nothing more when the kids were around.

[WrinkledForehead]

I think our stories have similarities. I'm not entirely a secret but I still am. For us, we talked and decided that we'd fully reveal ourselves sometime in the middle of winter. It coincides with when we actually met a year ago and also allows BS to deal with some of her emotions, and also gives time between the two R's so it doesn't look like the full blown affair as it was. Kids are only involved on my end though and I was single prior to meeting bf, so there's some difference between our stories. I'm not sure how you should navigate that bit.

[anne1707]

Yes it was because of that affair they divorced. The thing is Lilgirl is that his wife is bound to realise you two were having an affair and the kids will pick up on that. You already have loads of people around you who know (regardless of whether you have actually told them) so don't insult the children's intelligence by trying to hide or deny. Haven't there been enough lies already?

[LilGirlandOW]

I don't think it's a good IDE to tell a young child about adult situTions, down the road.... Different story.

 

BS may wonder, but she's not the type to involve kids in adult situations also, she's pretty level heAded.

 

The only ppl who know for sure are his family and they are the last people who would tell her.

[LilGirlandOW]

If we make it, long term, fast forward 10yrs and his eldest is mid-late teens, her and I continue our great relTionship, BS is moved on, etc. I'm sure I'll tell her gf to gf, not rub it in her face.

[anne1707]

I agree but what I am getting at is that as they get older, they may well figure it out for themselves. Enough people will already know and someone could easily say something quite innocent sounding that helps them put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

[LilGirlandOW]

I would never lie to them, but if they are too young when they inquire I would definitely go with a sugar coated story, that was age appropriate. I understand lying would be the worst thing todo.

[BeingMe]

Speaking from a BS perspective:

 

Just over 7 months on from WH moving out, my young children are still praying every night for him to come back. Children take a long time to let go of that idea, even if they are potentially open to the idea of him dating in the future. and they will resent you if they feel you took away the possibility of reconciliation.

 

Also, the affair did end the marriage. Yes, there were probably other issues which potentially could have led to divorce, but an affair creates it's own downward spiral in a marriage: rewriting history, looking for negativity in the BS, blameshifting, guilt projection, closed communication, emotional withdrawal, manipulation, lying, deception, gas lighting, stress from living a double life, etc, etc. If the BS or the children work it out, they will blame the affair, and both of you, for the breakdown of the marriage and their family. I know from others with older children that they often work it out in their teen years and then become very resentful of the AP as well as the WS - whether intentional or not, they feel lied to, which they have been: lies of omission are still lies.

 

So,despite what I said in my first paragraph, if you do feel that you want to be in a relationship with each other, it's far better, long term, to be honest about it and not pretend it started later, or your relationship with the children will be founded on even more lies than it already is. Lies get in the way of emotional intimacy and trust.

[Mascara]

The biggest hurdle the former OW faces is that her newly single man now has lots of women interested - not many women would even consider being an OW, but once single he often has more choice than he thought he would.

 

So potential trips out with the boys to meet women would be a bit disrespectful, and could end up being a source of friction between you.

 

I'd therefore respect his need for there to be a few months before you're out in the open, but it would be on the condition that he makes it clear he is dating "someone" and therefore not open to these outings.

[LilGirlandOW]

BeingMe, your posts first paragraph broke my heart. I'm sorry:love:

[LilGirlandOW]

Mascara, I agree with you totally.

 

I know our first "outting" will be to his friends as he and BS didn't have a common set of friends whatsoever. Still gotta give it that time for things to turn over, luckily he's never been a party animal type so a lazy night at home with me is more appealing anyways.

[peaksandvalleys]

If we make it, long term, fast forward 10yrs and his eldest is mid-late teens, her and I continue our great relTionship, BS is moved on, etc. I'm sure I'll tell her gf to gf, not rub it in her face.

 

 

That would be a mistake you would live to regret.

[LilGirlandOW]

That would be a mistake you would live to regret.

 

Yeah your probably right, I've never been in a relationship like this before,never thought mm and I would be anything more than a love affair, I'm really just taking it one step at a time.

[jlola]

That would be a mistake you would live to regret.

 

I think Lil you need to understand what betrayal is and how it affects people. My mother had a bFF we all adored. She nd her husband had no children of her own so we were like nieces. She was slam and had waist length hair. So I had my mother grow my hair out like her. We called her aunt and saw her nearly all the time.

 

Then one day, she disappeared and we heard her husband divorced her. I would ask my mother periodically about her since I missed her so much. Till I was told by an aunt(my mother hid my father's indiscretions well), the reason her husband divorced her was because she was having an affair with my father.

 

There was no love lost for my father because he is a narcissist and a serial cheat. But the fact she betrayed us so badly,smiling in ll our faces, my mother being her best friend while she was sleeping with my father was too much. It killed any sort of love I had for her since I now viewed her as selfish,two-faced . If I saw her in the street I would cross it.

 

But before I knew of her betrayal, I missed her,loved her. I found out in my late teens. But the betrayal I felt was against us also,not only my mother.

[peaksandvalleys]

Yeah your probably right, I've never been in a relationship like this before,never thought mm and I would be anything more than a love affair, I'm really just taking it one step at a time.

 

 

Yes, I can see that. I can see that no one knows what they are doing or how it is going to affect all those involved. Pity.

[Speakingofwhich]

LilGirlandOW, so glad to read your update and to learn things are continuing to go well for all of you! It was particularly good to read your bf's daughter would like for you and he to be bf/gf. Your bf's X seems to be doing a good job of prepping her children for the inevitable new partners for both of them.

 

With the courteous and respectful attitude you have on this forum I cannot imagine that you won't have a really good relationship permanently with your bf's children.

 

I have known of another situation where the children of parents who D handled things like this, without rancor. It's been twenty years now and both parents have been remarried for over ten years. All parties get along great. And even sometimes have holidays together with the two couples staying in the same home overnight, along with the now-grown kids. The kids, especially, have benefited from their parents making an effort to get along. It's unusual to see this happen and I'm so happy for all of you, including BS! Keep us posted and I will hope to hear sometime in the future that she finds the love of her life! I know you'll be happy for her when that happens.

[Speakingofwhich]

Speaking from a BS perspective:

Just over 7 months on from WH moving out, my young children are still praying every night for him to come back. Children take a long time to let go of that idea, even if they are potentially open to the idea of him dating in the future. and they will resent you if they feel you took away the possibility of reconciliation.

 

BeingMe, My children also did this after their father left us and I know that it's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're going through this. In our case, we (the kids and I) came to see in the long run that it was for the way best that my X left and didn't return. He began a very dark chapter of his life when he left us and his influence on the children would have been horrible had he come back. I know every situation is different. And maybe your X will return and things will work out well. But, sometimes it takes years to see that seemingly unanswered prayers are a blessing.

[BeingMe]

Aw, thanks everyone, didn't mean to threadjack. Obviously I'm a BS who loves her WH very much still, as do my children.

 

Just something to think about: I will always put my children's welfare before my own feelings. That's what any good parent will do, incl a step-parent. Sometimes they don't like me because I can't be fun mum all the time if I want them to grow up into mature adults. Can you cope with being disliked for a while because it's better for them, long-term? Are you going to be able to talk to them about the importance of honesty and integrity etc...if you're hiding something huge, like this, from them? It's hard, but much better with children to start from a position of honesty: let them hate you for a bit but grow to love you if you're there for them in the years ahead, rather than think they love you but feel betrayed when they find out the truth in the future. BTW plenty of small children are told that daddy left because he has a new girlfriend. Hiding it seems more about looking out for you and your AP than about protecting the children, long term.

[Got it]

After our year long A, MM and BS separate, he and I are still together and doing great (considering lol ). As you may or may not know I was MM's assistant and throughout most of our A we worked together and I know BS from several places. I understand since it's still fresh mostly it's far too soon for co-workers and BS to know we are a couple, although we don't really hide our relationship, I park in his driveway when I visit, spend nights, etc. his friends are mostly co-workers and all single so they are excited to have him "out with the boys" to meet women, he's very honest about it to me but hesitant to "out" our relationship to them as neither of us want talks of a workplace A out there, our plan is to "cross-paths" at some point and there is how we start dating, what neither of us know is how long to give things to cool off before that happens?

 

His family has known me for awhile, and they know we are still together.

 

We don't currently work together so we technically are free to date.

 

Where we live waiting for a divorce is very uncommon as there is a mandatory waiting period, most people will date within that time, it's a whole year.

 

I understand with kids being involved it will be tougher, so that is a consideration, at the same time his kids and I have always had a special friendship which has gone as far as his eldest saying to me that her dad has a crush on me and we should be gf & bf, keep in mind their household was very separated as far as MM and BS went so I have the feeling the kids on his end didn't see their relationship as romantic "lovey" like fairy tale-ish.

 

Thoughts about a good time frame? I love him so much, stood by as the perfect OW for. Over a year, being a secret gf for a bit isn't the end of my world, as I know I'm his world (next to his children). Q

 

My recommendation is the longer you wait, the better it is. This doesn't mean he needs to be "pretend" to be single, he can just say no, but because you two work together waiting is better. I hope you two are no longer in a supervisor/subordinate work arrangement as that is a whole other kettle of fish and would need to be resolved.

 

I am big about keeping my personal life outside of my work life, so I am not friends with very many work people, so I am conservative about my personal life being open for discussion. I have been amazed by how many people, especially men, who love to gossip about other people and their sex lives, that makes me just that more reticent on actually volunteering information.

 

Personally, while I was "known" I did not meet the kids for a couple years after the separation and over a year after the divorce.

[threelaurels]

The big issue here is that his children need to have as much stability as possible during this time. Experts generally recommend waiting a year post-divorce before introducing the kids to a new partner because they are still adjusting to all the changes (e.g. daddy not living in the home anymore, having to split their time between two homes, their parents no longer being together anymore, etc). Introducing a new partner too soon can make adjusting more difficult and can create behavior problems like acting out in school, acting violently by pushing/shoving/grabbing others, and even wetting the bed long past having gone through that stage.

 

The slower you take it, the better it will be for the kids. They will have a lot going on in the next few months, and young kids don't have the life skills needed to cope with heavily stressful situations like divorce at this point in their lives.

 

However, taking it slow when it comes to revealing the relationship to the kids doesn't mean you have to take it slow with everyone else too. As far as his friends and your friends go, I see no problem waiting more than a few months. They may suspect the A, but I don't see that being an issue unless you think some of them might blab directly to the BS or to others (indirectly bringing everything back to the BS).

 

As far as telling the BS goes, I would tell her before you tell the kids. Being the last person to find out about something always sucks, and this is a particularly sensitive issue. She has the right to know who her STBX is bringing around her children and to have reasonable input about when you should be introduced. Reasonable being the key word here. Communication is the key to successful coparenting.

 

Ideally, MM should have a conversation with her soon enough to discuss timelines and procedures for introducing new partners to the kids for both of them. Unless she already has a new man in her life, she will be going into the dating scene for a while. Having her introduce a guy she's been on two dates with to the kids wouldn't exactly be appropriate. These types of provisions will help both MM and BS in the long run, and will allow MM to put out some feelers for where she is right now and how she might feel about him going public with you. If they both agree to and stick to a timeline, the transition should be a lot smoother for all parties involved.