Moon8stars Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 I need advice... I have been with my bf for four months. Now, he is very athletic... he likes to ski, water dive, snorkel... motorcycle racings... Since the winter came, he keeps going on trips... to go skiing... without me... Reasons I do not go ofcourse are because I don't like to ski and I wouldd't be able to take the days off anyway... He went to California to ski without me for 4 days... Him and his friends rent out a house in Vermont... he went skiing over the weekend, while I worked... Now... its the week before New Years and we are spending the time in Vermont... I can only go there on Friday the 31st.. he is there since Monday... when he got there, he called me and told me that the girl that came with him, someone mistook her for being his GF. Now that really bothered me, because why would anyone mistake her for his gf... was there a reason? There were three guys in the car with her.. and everyone assumed she was his gf... I feel that he should not be going places without me, even if I do not go skiing... if we decide there is something more in the future... what will happen? He will be going skiing with his buddies while I stay home with kids? Now I feel bad telling him or asking him, not to go without me... since it seems unfair for him not to go skiing if I don't want to go and don't like to... but it also makes me feel uncomfortable, that my bf keeps going places without me... he has a trip planned to go to Ohio without me, and he is planning a trip with friends to go diving for a week in the summer... where I am not even included in the plans.. because I don't dive... I feel that we are totally wrong for each other... even though he says he doesnt mind.. but I mind.. since I am the one who gets always left out and left alone.... am I being too picky? Help me out please... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 he will not stop his little trips. if it bothers you a lot then find someone else to hang out with. someone who does not have the time and/or money to go on all those expensive trips. Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 I would ask him where exactly do I fit in your "busy" schedule. I would aslo ask him how come we are fdating and we aren't doing anything. He may automatically assume you can't go since you can't get off of work. I would tell him that it would be nice if you maybe stay home, or if just you and him could do something together. Do you two have kids together? If so, then he needs to be home with them instead of skiing acrossed the US. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon8stars Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 We do not have kids.. IM just thinking of the future.. if in the future... I would not want to stay home while he is skiing and going on trips. Link to post Share on other sites
DewDrop Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Why would you want to be involved with someone like that? You would be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 I would break up with him, he seems like everything is all about him and nothing about u. That is not a very healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Do you and your bf get to spend some quality time together? Does he have a lot of spare time/days off from work that he can both go to trips with his friends and spend a good amount of quality time with you too? I think that even if you don't dive or ski you should have at least been asked to go with him and his friends. You could have some fun, sunbathe, visit the place while they practice sport. If they were 'guys only' trips it could be more understandable that he goes without you, but they obviously are not. And that girl being mistaken for his girlfriend *does* suck. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 I had a similar boyfriend. He was totally f****ing me over - sorry for that expression and I couldnt see it. I knew there was something wrong but wasnt able to get the hell out of there. I was always trying to excuse his behaviour to myself. He was very selfish and was always doing sports and didnt have time to me. I am not that kind of girl who sits at home and patiently waiting for my bf after he comes home from him having fun but that time for a long time I was putting up with it a lot. Then I found myself entertainment but it wasnt very fullfilling because I wanted to spend my time with him! The problem is that his behaviour is not exactly wrong. He has just different value and believe. And if you come across somebody who has absolutely different values and believes you cant often find a compromise. You will always by the one who is going to be at "the bottom of the relationship". You cant forbid him to go to trips thats not fair either but just talk to him he could offer you to go with him as well. But if he obviously wants to have fun without you, theres not much you can do about it. He is not going to change. My exboyfriend - the selfish one left me in the end. He started feeling uncomfortable and sort of guilty that he spends so much time without me and eventhough I could find my own entertainment during those days, he could still feel that I am sort of waiting and deep inside expecting that he is going to be with me more often. He told me he is not going to give up his things for any relationship and therefore the only girl that would suit to him would be a girl that is the same as him - as well prefers spending lots of time without him, selfish in a way. Get out of this relationship and find yourself somebody who is going to appreciate you and time spent with you! Link to post Share on other sites
sandra parker Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Your situation mirrors mine to a tee. My ex of five years (bk-up 5 months ago) and I had the exact same dilemma. He has a group of friends that he snowboards with and goes on trips with them constantly. I too, do not care to ski/board but I could've gone along and shopped, lounged and hung out with them at night especially since most of these trips were out west. He never took me. I brought up some of the suggestions posted here and when I did I was accused of not giving him space and being possessive. There were single girls there and on occasion he drove/flew with them. He would seldom call home when away. I just put the blinders on and made it look like I accepted it. He would not see my point on this no matter what I did. This was who he was and he was not going to change for no one. Bottom line: This is about me and about me only! You are absolutely right to think about your dilemma. I tell you, it will not change. You will lose in the end no matter what you do. He lost respect for me because I accomodated him. He resented me ifI opposed or tried to reason with him about this. Men /women like this live for their own pleasures and they put you in a separate compartment. You get brought down from the shelf when they want to be with you and put back up when it's time for them to do what they want. When someone really loves you they find a way to mesh things together. When someone is capable of real love for another human being they don't resent their needs (unless these are unreasonable). I never had trouble with him taking vacations with his pals. But there were always single girls involved and it was made clear to me that I was not welcomed. Eventually we broke up because we fought a lot about his lack of understanding and because I became resentful of his selfishness. It is an ugly way to live. As hard as this is for me, deep down I know that I deserve more from someone. I know that there is someone out there that will treasure me in a way that is loving and caring. I know this is hard, I put up with it for five years, the accomodation I afforded him with made me look and feel like a dormat. I wish you luck, take care, Sandra Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon8stars Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 I spoke to him about not even inviting me... He said 'Well you don't ski anyway', so to that I said... it doesnt matter, that he should at least invite me... and make it my choice if I want to go or not... and he agreed... I went up for New Years were he skied, met the girl... and let me tell you I felt really uncomfortable.. she was bossy, and kept asking him for things... gimme that and this and etc... I found out that they work together, which I was not aware of... then I asked him for something, and he was like.. i'm watching a movie... so I let him have it later.... I asked him, yeah I actually asked him if he has something with her.. because it is really irritating and disrespectful that he gets her things, while she is sitting there whinning.. and if I ask him for something, he doesnt... I used to be very quiet with my ex, and would never mention anything that bothered me... this time I am not staying quiet. I decided if he doesnt like it and he doesnt care I shouldnt be with him. So he appologized, and said that he understood where I was coming from. And another thing, I dont ski... but he keeps trying to talk me into it... so apperently he brought skiis with him and boots...for me.. which she was using all this time... It is really bothering me... that he brought her with him.. and I think they do have something between them.. because just friends dont sit there and go... 'Oh can you get me that.. please hand me thing...' ... I am really irritated... and he is in Phili, IM in NY... so if he is having anything to do with her, I will never find out... I have a feeling that he does and I dont know what to do about it... I dont want to jump to conclusions but at the same time I dont want to be made a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
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