Should I tell

[solostand]

So today MM informs his B.S. is going through the phone bill. Apparently it only shows minutes. She demanded to know why he had used six times the minutes that she did.

 

Pretty sure the next step will be getting the numbers he called and my number will be there about 1,500 times.

 

I know, have absolutely no doubt, that she will call that number - me.

 

Question is: should I tell her the truth? Or make up some story so he and she can avoid a d-day.

 

My inclination is to tell.

[Jules78]

I wouldn't pick up the call. Let him spill the details.

[threelaurels]

What does MM want you to do if she calls?

 

Personally, I would tell her the truth if she calls.However, I can understand why you may not want to. If you don't want to tell the truth, just tell her to talk to her husband or refuse to take the call. It's not your job to cover for MM, and lying would only reflect poorly on you.

[SarahJames]

I say: tell her nothing but the truth

 

Here's why:

 

Often times, as the OW, we feel like "it isn't our place" to get involved in the marriage and to contact the spouse. I can understand that perspective. But now, you have the perfect opportunity to let the truth be known. SHE will be contacting YOU.

 

Think about this: What if tables were turned? What if YOU were the wife? Wouldn't you want to know the TRUTH so you could make your decision based on the TRUTH? Wouldn't you want to know that someone you love, trust, and respect is taking you for a fool?

 

Now, about you:

 

This is YOUR opportunity to free yourself from this toxic relationship. Chances are he will either (a) get a D or (2) no longer be contacting you due to the spouses' wishes...either way this is your opportunity to get him out of your life. If she decides to leave him, do you really want to be with someone who is choosing you only because you are their only option left? He wouldn't be leaving because he wants to, he'd be leaving because SHE left HIM. Secondly, him no longer contacting you due to her wishes just goes to show that he values her above you.

 

There have been times I WISHED the BS would CALL ME. I would tell her EVERYTHING. I would tell her how STUPID we BOTH are for feeding into this poor excuse of a man. You'd be doing BOTH of you a favor. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do - what you deem is best for you.

[RickFox]

what's your motivation?

 

although different circumstances I can tell you that if my xmw's H ever approached me and began asking questions I'd tell him everything.

[Under The Radar]

If asked point blank, like the two posters above me have stated, I would tell her.

[yellowmaverick]

Tell her. She deserves to know. Wouldn't YOU want to know?

[dichotomy]

I suppose you not answer your phone for the next few weeks - and could change your phone voice mail to be.... "hello this is the mental health clinic confidential phone support line, all support staff are unavailable at the time, please leave a message and we will get back to you, if this is an emergency please call 911"

 

 

Sorry - I could not resist the humor.

[Sub]

It's not your job to cover for MM, and lying would only reflect poorly on you.

 

She's having an A with a MM. I don't think it's the lying that would reflect poorly on her, at least from the BW's standpoint.

 

That said, I agree. I think you should tell her.

[solostand]

She's having an A with a MM. I don't think it's the lying that would reflect poorly on her, at least from the BW's standpoint.

 

That said, I agree. I think you should tell her.

 

Yeah, I think I will tell. Save a little trickle truthing on the other end too.

[LilGirlandOW]

Yikes good luck solo.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think it is wise of you to make this decision for yourself now, so you are not caught unawares or floundering on what to do when/if this happens.

 

Now this is just me. I see no value in lying. I see lying as painting yourself into a corner. One that is hard to get out of. It will tar you with the liar brush, so that anything and everything you say or do afterwards will have no value. You will be easier to dismiss.

 

There is a calmness about your postings lately.

[WakingUp]

I don't think you should make up any stories. That is just adding insult to injury for his W.

 

If you don't want to be the one to tell her, then just say that she needs to speak to her husband about it.

 

Then it will be up to him whether he discloses the affair or tries to deny everything. Either way it will give you a good insight into the character of the man and the true nature of your relationship.

 

His BW is probably going half insane trying to figure out the facts. If you add any more lies to the mix it really is quite cruel.

 

Think very carefully before you respond. More lies just dig a deeper hole.

 

Good luck with it all. Affairs are just awful.

[WakingUp]

And, if you do decide to tell her.... then just be respectful and keep it brief.

 

And importantly, I think you should apologise. It may be your only opportunity.

 

After that, it is out of your hands, really.

[solostand]

yes I plan to be respectful and apoligize, for what its worth.

 

I am almost ready for this relationship to be over and I am trying to mentally

prepare for it so it won't be a shock.

 

I will tell her everything I guess. But try not to sound like I'm in love with he husband.

 

Should I also tell her about the negative and hurtful things he has said of her?

[BeingMe]

BS here:

 

I didn't actually have the guts to phone the OW on DDay - seeing the number so many times was enough for me to know. However, I did phone her some time later, just once.

 

if you feel like you want to apologise, please do, straight away. The OW didn't and also minimised and lied about some things. Somehow, if she'd been honest, or said sorry, it would have helped, instead of adding insult to injury. Also, please don't act like you're a friend or trying to help - it just feels patronising and the BS will already be in immense pain and (hopefully) trying to control their emotions while on the phone.

[solostand]

She's not a very good sleuth since she is immediately telling what she finds, when she finds it. This gives him an opportunity to come up with a plausible reason for all those calls before she finds them.

 

She should be in silent detective mode.

[whatatangledweb]

yes I plan to be respectful and apoligize, for what its worth.

 

I am almost ready for this relationship to be over and I am trying to mentally

prepare for it so it won't be a shock.

 

I will tell her everything I guess. But try not to sound like I'm in love with he husband.

 

Should I also tell her about the negative and hurtful things he has said of her?

 

 

No, please don't tell her the negative and hurtful things he said. Those will haunt her for the rest of her life. It isn't necessary for her to hear them. If she asks just say he did say some unkind things and leave it at that.

[C00kie]

I don't think I would take the call.

 

I don't really understand this "telling the wife" thing...I think it's not for us to tell. MM should tell her and if he doesn't, I won't either. Only in exceptional circumstances maybe. Other than that...nope.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Chances are she won't ask if he said hurtful things, so no need for you to bring it up. If she does, maybe say...he said things about you, that no husband should say about his wife.

 

Good for you, for taking ownership of your choices.

[bentleychic]

The answer to that question depends on what you want to happen to your relationship after she calls, I suppose.

[Raena]

I think you should tell her and be as honest as you can without hurting her feelings.

 

I'll tell you why... the OW in my situation contacted me first, when I tried to talk to her, she wouldn't talk to me at first. She did however lie about what was going on, was patronizing and pretended to give me advice. She lied and lied some more... and so did my ex. This went on for 6 months. Dragging it out like that made it worse for me. Now I wish she had just been honest with me from the get go. Not sure why she contacted me in the first place. I assume she was trying to force a dday. Either way, it makes her look like a really horrible person. Of course, other actions of hers also make me not like her very much right now either, it wasn't just that she lied, but the fact that she chose to do so made me much angrier than if she had just told me up front the reasons why she contacted me. Instead, she let me flounder for 6 months, sick to my stomach about everything and forced many arguments and sleepless nights over it.

 

If she does call you, be honest. It may be the only truth she gets and even if she hates you for a time, or doesn't want to believe what you are saying, she'll respect the fact that you were honest with her. (eventually)

[Speakingofwhich]

If I thought MM's wife was possibly going to contact me I would let MM know I intended to tell the truth so that if he wanted to tell her the truth first he could do so.

 

And I would tell her quietly and calmly in the briefest and kindest way possible. Not telling anything other than what she asked and keeping it as simple as possible.

[Ashley87]

I'd be weary on that one. It can go both ways, the BS may want to talk to you and here what you have to say or she may flip it and call you all the names in the book for being a "homewrecker" due to her pride or maybe denial, but if she happens to contact you, I'd say tell her the truth. I know if I was the wife I'd need/want to know even if it hurts.

[sweet_pea]

I commend you for talking to his wife should that come up. Not many people in affairs are willing to own up to their actions or be honest about it unless faced with an ultimatum or something of the sort. If she does call, be honest and respectful. While she may be angry over the phone when she learns, can you blame her?