Should I tell

[ClemsonTigers]

Is she or is she not an owner?

 

If he opened up the business account it is very likely he is the only name on the account so she would be out of luck.

 

 

 

Regardless…he can hand them over NOW or during discovery in a divorce proceeding.

 

His choice.

 

Taking "no, not gonna give you those" as an answer is optional.

 

Love when way wards try to advocate that the truth is unattainable as if they control all information AND get to call all the shots. It must get tiring for them trying to maintain the sand castle of lies.

[Realist3]

His wife pays all the bills for the company. That means she does have access to all accounts including cells phones.Whether she is an owner or not doesn't matter when she is the accountant for the company.[/bb]

 

Right or wrong, a wife isn't going to worry about legal or not when she is digging for the truth.

 

It most assuredly does matter Unless her name is specifically on the contract she will not be given access by the phone company. The rules in place regarding this very type of thing are exceedingly specific in these contracts. I have dealt with this very issue in the past. No name on the contract, no phone records.

 

It is not that she has to worry about any legality it is that they will not hand them over to her.

[Realist3]

Regardless…he can hand them over NOW or during discovery in a divorce proceeding.

 

His choice.

 

Taking "no, not gonna give you those" as an answer is optional.

 

Love when way wards try to advocate that the truth is unattainable as if they control all information AND get to call all the shots. It must get tiring for them trying to maintain the sand castle of lies.

 

Hold on there, Tiger, it doesn't sound like she is running off for divorce court just yet.

 

All I am saying is that unless her name is on the contract, she will not get access to those bills without a court order.

 

 

Love when way wards try to advocate that the truth is unattainable as if they control all information AND get to call all the shots. It must get tiring for them trying to maintain the sand castle of lies.

 

You might want to spend a little time learning up on contracts.

 

The truth is not unattainable, but it very well could be under this method and circumstance.

[jlola]

Wow. So much anger and assumptions at BS...have you been a BS? Why do you tell yourself these things about BS? Does it make you feel better to blame the BS for your issues? Ugh. I recommend you seek ice to uncover your issues so you can move forward and accept both your role and mm role....

 

Solo, I and many of the respondents here have been BS. I can tell you with all honesty that I and many other BS would want the truth. If the ow in my sitch had simply been honest instead of lying (she was lying, she didn't realize I had their texts, and it was a ridiculous situation)

 

Even if she stays with him, that doesn't mean she doesn't believe you. You are doing the right thing by being honest.

 

Yup, let her know who he really is and how vile he can be behind her back. Some of these men have such huge egos. My father sits there and berates my mother and calls her old to others. like he is not old himself. They see themselves as special. she is old, she is bitter,she is bossy. They ignore all their imperfections she has to put up with.

 

If I made a list of disrespectful,cruel things and lies my father has done to my mother and us kids, it would be endless. But people feel sorry for him cause he always has to tell his version of how we are all ungrateful,bitter and unloving. Hard to even describe to people the level of disrespect and abuse he has show. Few who get close begin to see, but most others think he is just wonderful and my mother is the mean one. Breaks my heart!

[Iguanna]

I want to ask something though. If you are planning to end the affair, what is the reason to tell the BS? Just for revenge?

[jlola]

His wife pays all the bills for the company. That means she does have access to all accounts including cells phones. Whether she is an owner or not doesn't matter when she is the accountant for the company.

 

Right or wrong, a wife isn't going to worry about legal or not when she is digging for the truth.

 

I cannot understand why he would not simply tell her the truth and take the consequences. Money can be made again, plus it sounds like he has enough of it already so why be greedy?

 

He is not in love with her, he claims to be in love with someone else, so why continue the deception when e has a chance to come clean?

 

I can never understand people who lie to your face as they backstab you for years. It would eat me alive to do that. To look someone in the eye everyday and know I was betraying them and when they confront, I look them in the eye and continue to lie and betray.

 

It takes a special sort of coldness and selfishness to do that to anyone, let alone the mother of your child.

[krazikat]

Hold on there, Tiger, it doesn't sound like she is running off for divorce court just yet.

 

All I am saying is that unless her name is on the contract, she will not get access to those bills without a court order.

 

 

 

 

You might want to spend a little time learning up on contracts.

 

The truth is not unattainable, but it very well could be under this method and circumstance.

 

If it is under the business name then yes, she will have access. If not, it really is quite simple to get authorization placed on the account...so of she is determined enough, she can get access.

[solostand]

I want to ask something though. If you are planning to end the affair, what is the reason to tell the BS? Just for revenge?

 

No, not for revenge. I will tell only if she asks. I think she does deserve to know, however.

[solostand]

I cannot understand why he would not simply tell her the truth and take the consequences. Money can be made again, plus it sounds like he has enough of it already so why be greedy?

 

He is not in love with her, he claims to be in love with someone else, so why continue the deception when e has a chance to come clean?

 

I can never understand people who lie to your face as they backstab you for years. It would eat me alive to do that. To look someone in the eye everyday and know I was betraying them and when they confront, I look them in the eye and continue to lie and betray.

 

It takes a special sort of coldness and selfishness to do that to anyone, let alone the mother of your child.

 

Because he's got it too comfortable. House with couch and satellite dish, dinner on the table at 5, a dog he loves, laundry done for him, et cetera. Why give that up when you can have a hot piece on the side too?

[peaksandvalleys]

Because he's got it too comfortable. House with couch and satellite dish, dinner on the table at 5, a dog he loves, laundry done for him, et cetera. Why give that up when you can have a hot piece on the side too?

 

 

Why give it up indeed? I believed that the only truth I was going to get was the truth I discovered for myself. That is why I chose carefully the route I took. Some call it the scorched earth way here. I wouldn't call it that but I do feel I had been lied to enough by everyone so if they got caught in the fallout it didn't/doesn't bother me. Now the AP in my situation has a whole other dimension to deal with thanks to her lover man. And if he isn't careful he is going to end up on the street or a padded cell.

[Realist3]

No, not for revenge. I will tell only if she asks. I think she does deserve to know, however.

 

If she deserves to know why does it hinge on her asking?

[WakingUp]

If she deserves to know why does it hinge on her asking?

 

It is one thing deserving to know... and another thing WANTING to know.

 

Sometimes people simply don't want to know.

 

Its an interesting concept.

[Iguanna]

Come on the wife is 66 years old, she knows her husband better than herself by now. She knows he has affair(s) and she chooses to let it be. If OP plans to separate with this man anyway, there is no reason to let the wife know all the details. ONLY if she asks. And by asking I mean "hello are you the woman who has a relationship with my husband?" - "yes". By asking I don't mean "Hello who is this on the phone?" - "Oh hi, I'm the woman who sleeps with your husband, how are you doing?".

[peaksandvalleys]

Come on the wife is 66 years old, she knows her husband better than herself by now. She knows he has affair(s) and she chooses to let it be. If OP plans to separate with this man anyway, there is no reason to let the wife know all the details. ONLY if she asks. And by asking I mean "hello are you the woman who has a relationship with my husband?" - "yes". By asking I don't mean "Hello who is this on the phone?" - "Oh hi, I'm the woman who sleeps with your husband, how are you doing?".

 

 

I am not 66 but I have been with my husband for decades and I DID NOT know he was in a long term affair. Why assume that all BS know? Sometimes the notion of decades long betrayal does not enter into the mind of someone who would never do such a thing.

[solostand]

I don't think she knew. She started suspecting around September, and then her suspicions really ramped when we were visiting him in the hospital at the same time.

 

He says he has never had another long term affair and I believe him.

 

 

She caught him in a one-night stand but that was in his drinking days and I think she thought since he quit drinking he will act like a good boy.

[whichwayisup]

Because he's got it too comfortable. House with couch and satellite dish, dinner on the table at 5, a dog he loves, laundry done for him, et cetera. Why give that up when you can have a hot piece on the side too?

 

And this is why most affairs stay affairs and marriage don't end. Many MM and MW are happy with the above senario.

 

I don't think she knew. She started suspecting around September, and then her suspicions really ramped when we were visiting him in the hospital at the same time.

 

He says he has never had another long term affair and I believe him.

 

 

She caught him in a one-night stand but that was in his drinking days and I think she thought since he quit drinking he will act like a good boy.

 

The thing is Solo, at home he IS putting on a good act, otherwise she'd be much more suspicious. He is a great liar and master manipulator.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Detecting lies from those we trust is more difficult. We don't question as much, our brains let details that don't add slip by. We are not on alert to detect lies from this person. That is why betrayal hurts so much. That is also why betrayals of any kind is usually dealt with by ending the relationship, as the betrayer used the other persons trust against them. The betrayed was the tool that the betrayer used. Their love, understanding, and trust. All are supposed to be good qualities.....but they were twisted and used against a person.

 

A quote to understand how betrayal feels.

 

"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope"

[Realist3]

I don't think she knew. She started suspecting around September, and then her suspicions really ramped when we were visiting him in the hospital at the same time.

 

He says he has never had another long term affair and I believe him.

 

 

She caught him in a one-night stand but that was in his drinking days and I think she thought since he quit drinking he will act like a good boy.

 

I haven't really given my opinion on whether you should tell or not, as I think that you are only one that knows your agreement and motivations with the old man.

 

That being said, why in the heck would you visit him in his hospital room when his wife was there? Don't take this the wrong way but that just seems, wrong, cruel, and insanely stupid all at the same time. Were you trying to ramp up suspicions on purpose?

 

Maybe I'm way off base here, but last month you were talking about how much you loved him yada yada yada... and now he it has too easy and his wife deserves to know(but only if she asks of course); but is your true motivation to end the affair or end his marriage? From an outsider looking in you seem to be all over the map.

Edited November 30, 2013 by Realist3

[Realist3]

And then I read this.

 

I have this recurring fantasy when I call up the MM's wife and say "Hello. My name is Solostand and I have been having an affair with your husband for one year." And then give all the gory details.

 

I don't think I would actually do this but I am expecting her call any day. She has in fact called me twice demanding to know who I was (my number showed up on their phone) and I lied I think convincingly.

 

Sometimes I just want to get it over with and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

After reading several other posts you made I am starting to think your motivations are more geared towards trying to end his marriage. That little idea will backfire.

[CanJanus]

I am going to disagree with what appears to be this entire thread.

 

You should not tell. Do you like your MM? If so, why would you hurt him so much? If you don't like being an OW, then move on. Nobody is holding a gun to your head and saying that you have to do this.

 

I would lie for my MW in a heartbeat. I'm single, I could move on if I wanted to, but I choose not to. That is my choice. My MW staying in her marriage is her choice. It is not my place to make that choice for her, just like it is not her place to make that choice for me.

[whichwayisup]

And then I read this.

 

 

 

 

After reading several other posts you made I am starting to think your motivations are more geared towards trying to end his marriage. That little idea will backfire.

 

I agree with you, but I think I also agree with Solo where her MM wants to get busted since he's too passive to do anything. She was at the hospital (not to see him) and then after her appt. walked to his floor to see if he was by himself in the room, he wasn't, his wife was there and before she could get away he caught a glimpse of her and asked her to come in and say hi, meet his wife. So, this guy IS messed up in the head. He has created drama and planted the seed in his wife's head, now she is realizing something is 'off'. It's only a matter of time before this whole thing blows up... And when it does here are some things that could happen:

 

1)His wife confronts him with evidence, he denies and minimizes it, saying Solo is stalking him (aka drop by at the hospital, even though he invited her in, it doesn't look good that she was there...And she could ask the nurses how many times 'this woman' came to see her husband, if she hasn't done that already) and has a thing for him, he's just being nice and keeping her at bay by having a friendship with her. 2)Dday happens, he actually does want to D but has had no balls to do it, so his wife kicks him out and he runs to Solo. 3)He begs his wife to take him back, she gives him another chance, he ends the A for good or 4 he waits it out and then when things settle down he'll start up the A again.

[hopewild]

If you don't want to be involved and have been strong enough to avoid contact with him, why not just let it go? Don't answer if she calls. If you tell her you will be re-inserting yourself in the situation and prompting contact with possibly both of them. Why not just wash your hands of it?

[bentleychic]

I still believe what I have from day 1 with your situation. You're going to tell, she's not going to give a crap, MM is going to throw you under the bus a few times and she'll stay with him. He may or may not come back for another DDay or two, but ultimately, you're going to end up suffering in the end because I really truly do not think your MM has any conscience at all. I think he feels like he can flaunt you around in front of her and do whatever he wants like a petulant child (picture Veruca Salts from Willy Wonka) and he will get away with it, no matter who suffers.

 

If you do decide to tell the BS, please do so, go NC completely and do not allow MM back in your life again after that. PLEASE.

[jlola]

Because he's got it too comfortable. House with couch and satellite dish, dinner on the table at 5, a dog he loves, laundry done for him, et cetera. Why give that up when you can have a hot piece on the side too?

 

It does not matter how comfortable I had it. I cannot betray and look someone in the eye day in and day out. I am not built that way. Look, many women and men have had the opportunity to live a lifestyle that only the top 1% have. I have had that opportunity a couple of times in my life. Had even been encouraged by people I thought had more value to jump on that opportunity,but I can't fake it.

 

I'd rather eat peanut butter sandwiches and live in a nice small condo with the man I love and can show integrity, rather than eat caviar and live in a mansion with one I betray.Some people value truth,integrity,character and pure joy with being around people we value over money.

[solostand]

Well I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday and for me, that's amazing!!!!

 

When I saw he had called this morning I was briefly traumatized and very briefly thought of returning his call.

 

But then I used one of those good old AA Adages: Don't do it just for today. Doesn't mean I will never speak to him again, but for today, I choose not to. Its only one day right?

 

Tomorrow I plan to make the same decision. And so on and so on and so on.