Should I tell

[BrokenPrincess]

How do you have a recording of him bad-mouthing his wife??

[solostand]

Well my job involves conducting interviews and I always have my tape recorder in my purse and this one day i had it on by mistake while we were talking and it caught the entire hour long conversation - a part of which was him saying something very dreadful about her. I only realized I had it when I got to work a couple hours later and saw it was on so of course i downloaded the audio to see what i had taped and there it was - plus a lot of other crap.

 

Basically he is telling me that his wife is going to be at the same flea market I had to be at that day for work and me flipping out about this and then he says he would like to have sex with me right now so I could sit across from his wife knowing I had her husband inside me.

 

Yep, gross. I know.

[solostand]

The longer I think about the things this man has done, and said, the angrier I am.

 

This guy asks why you picked him out of all the guys you could have. He may have been fishing for you to give him ego-kibbles, but underlying that is the inference that if any good looking woman offers it up, he'll hit it. Really!

 

As to the BW response to you calling while on vacation? That isn't a normal wife's response to a female who calls on her husband's phone. It just isn't. It is the response of a philanderer's wife. Just as seeing a call come in from a ONS isn't suspicious unless this kind of thing was happening regularly.

 

yes, you've decided to move on, but it's important for you to see where you got snookered. You now know him to be a predator, but you have to know this didn't start at age 63, for him, or just because he met you. This is his MO, recognize it when you see it next time, or with others.

 

Yes I should have said "I picked you because I am the weakest of the herd, obviously."

[Snipercatt]

You aren't responsible for his behavior, he is.

 

There are more like him out there and it pays to be aware.

 

You're toughening up and doing a great job of distancing. Give yourself credit.

[Fluttershy]

He flattered you and lapped it all up. Sometimes when our own behaviour comes to light we can't handle it and keep lying to ourself. I commend you for seeing things as they truly were even if it is a huge blow on your self esteem. The thin is, it isn't too late for you. Stay positive, keep your head above water and keep on the right path. You will come out of this a better person if you do the work on yourself you need to.

Personaly, if I were you I would seek a job elswhere and move somewhere new to start afresh. And just before leaving compile all and any evidence you have of the affair plus write a timeline of the affair and send it to his BW as registered mail. Because who knows the power he has over er and all the crap he has been feeding her for years. With evidence she may have the strength to finally kick him out. And you will know you gave her what he will never do "the truth". I know many on here Believe it isn't up to you. But I am putting that out as what I would do. The choice is yours.

[experiencethedevine]

Well my job involves conducting interviews and I always have my tape recorder in my purse and this one day i had it on by mistake while we were talking and it caught the entire hour long conversation - a part of which was him saying something very dreadful about her. I only realized I had it when I got to work a couple hours later and saw it was on so of course i downloaded the audio to see what i had taped and there it was - plus a lot of other crap.

Basically he is telling me that his wife is going to be at the same flea market I had to be at that day for work and me flipping out about this and then he says he would like to have sex with me right now so I could sit across from his wife knowing I had her husband inside me.

 

Yep, gross. I know.

 

 

 

 

That is quite one of the most revolting things I have ever heard.

 

 

I commend you for finally seeing what lies beneath this disgusting excuse for what is human, let alone male.

 

 

It makes me feel like scrubbing my skin off just reading about his vile behaviour.

[Speakingofwhich]

Solostand, that brought tears to my eyes it was so painful to read.

 

I wish his wife could get away from him. That's my biggest concern now that I know you've moved on.

 

He's not well. I wish she could know that she needs to have him leave.

[solostand]

I have been tempted to send her that audiotape but I am afraid it would be too devastating to her. I was married once and my God, I could not imagine my husband saying something like that. To me it shows anger and hatred towards her in a passive aggressive way. The ultimate "I'll show you bitch". It even has an evil laugh after he said it! Plus, he was dead serious.

 

As it was he phoned me five times while I was sitting across from his wife at that flea market.

Unfortunately, I don't have the conversation where he said "I'm so in love with you, I've actually been trying to think up ways to kill BS in a way no one would figure it out."

 

One other time, I was telling him a story about a man I know who's wife tried to commit suicide, left a note, but was nowhere to be found. I said they got the police and dogs to track her down and found her in a barn. He said "That was his first mistake. Getting the police to track her down."

Edited December 13, 2013 by solostand

[Sub]

Unfortunately, I don't have the conversation where he said "I'm so in love with you, I've actually been trying to think up ways to kill BS in a way no one would figure it out."

 

One other time, I was telling him a story about a man I know who's wife tried to commit suicide, left a note, but was nowhere to be found. I said they got the police and dogs to track her down and found her in a barn. He said "That was his first mistake. Getting the police to track her down."

 

 

I don't know what's more incomprehensible: That he actually considered this, or that you actually continued a relationship with a man like this. This is serious, serious stuff here. Borderline "contact the authorities". If this is true, I think the BS deserves to know it all for her own safety.

[Snipercatt]

Solo, how are you doing? It is so hard to do what you know is the right thing for you when you heart is missing the connection. I'm glad you found another meeting site. I think that's important.

 

I hope you are well.

[solostand]

II'm doing okay. He still makes the odd call but I don't answer. The longer that goes by, the more unhypnotized I get. Like thinking of all those dreadful things he said about his wife. No respect at all. He calls her "the old lady" and said he can't have sex with her anymore because he can't get it up.

 

The real turning point was the hospital thing though. He was literally collapsing, and who did he call? Me. He was losing consciousness. I told him to call an ambulance. Then he said "I love you". Well that call should have been to his wife! He said he would call me from the hospital the first opportunity and he did, the minute he got out of intensive care. His life had just been saved, his wife and son were crying and praying at his bedside, and he calls the mistress.

 

Oh, there was lots more. As I look back on it, I recall a few times where he was disrespectful towards ME! I have hair that's long and curly and people stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful it is - and some times he would laugh and make fun of how messy my hair was! This was usually after sex so of course my hair was messy! Another time we were out in public and he told me to put that cigarette out or he wouldn't be seen with me. . .duh? You are a 64 year old man walking around with an attractive woman who is 15 years your junior? And you smoke too?

 

I haven't run into him yet, he is very much a creature of habit so will not appear at my new group. But Christmas is coming and I fully expect an envelope. He likes to throw hundred dollar bills around and I expect him to throw a few my way into my mailbox. He buys love through money.

 

I don't know how I would react if I saw him now. . .he used to go on and on ad nauseum about how we must ALWAYS be friends because my friendship was so important to him, way more important than the sex. Yea, they all say that.

[truthbetold]

II'm doing okay. He still makes the odd call but I don't answer. The longer that goes by, the more unhypnotized I get. Like thinking of all those dreadful things he said about his wife. No respect at all. He calls her "the old lady" and said he can't have sex with her anymore because he can't get it up.

 

The real turning point was the hospital thing though. He was literally collapsing, and who did he call? Me. He was losing consciousness. I told him to call an ambulance. Then he said "I love you". Well that call should have been to his wife! He said he would call me from the hospital the first opportunity and he did, the minute he got out of intensive care. His life had just been saved, his wife and son were crying and praying at his bedside, and he calls the mistress.

 

Oh, there was lots more. As I look back on it, I recall a few times where he was disrespectful towards ME! I have hair that's long and curly and people stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful it is - and some times he would laugh and make fun of how messy my hair was! This was usually after sex so of course my hair was messy! Another time we were out in public and he told me to put that cigarette out or he wouldn't be seen with me. . .duh? You are a 64 year old man walking around with an attractive woman who is 15 years your junior? And you smoke too?

 

I haven't run into him yet, he is very much a creature of habit so will not appear at my new group. But Christmas is coming and I fully expect an envelope. He likes to throw hundred dollar bills around and I expect him to throw a few my way into my mailbox. He buys love through money.

 

I don't know how I would react if I saw him now. . .he used to go on and on ad nauseum about how we must ALWAYS be friends because my friendship was so important to him, way more important than the sex. Yea, they all say that.

 

Solo, you sound so much better and stronger. There is still a touch of fog there though. He called you because he wanted BOTH of you there fawning on him. His bases were covered in regards to his wife finding out he was there. The hospital would contact her as his emergency contact and her contact is likely on his record from there or his doctor's office. So of course he would call you. He thinks of no one but himself and he needs to feel like a king.

 

The rest, Solo I don't know why you would think any of it was flattery. He is a control freak. As far as the hair comment, that's more control. I dated a guy like that once. When we were out it was obvious he was insecure by the attention I would get. He would try to hide it later by saying things like "well because you look like that you can get away with things". At first it sounds like it was flattering but upon closer inspection, it's not. It's demeaning.

 

You have gorgeous hair that other people notice. He likes that but deep down it makes HIM feel insecure so he's going to make a comment like "it ain't all that" as way to start a foundation of little jokey put downs. It always starts very subtle. There may be other things that you will start to piece together. A guy that is capable of saying such vile PA stuff about his wife is a guy that is capable to turn that vileness towards you to keep you in control. Concentrate on that if you get all warm and fuzzy thinking about the good times. For every good thing, remember an equally vile thing.

 

You sound much stronger. Keep moving forward and try not to look back.

[experiencethedevine]

I don't know what's more incomprehensible: That he actually considered this, or that you actually continued a relationship with a man like this. This is serious, serious stuff here. Borderline "contact the authorities". If this is true, I think the BS deserves to know it all for her own safety.

 

 

As above. This is a fearful situation. His wife should have those rose tinted glasses removed so that she can see the filthy animal she is wed to in all his fetid, repulsive stench. She should be told. As you have alluded, you have been his 'partner in crime' for long enough.

 

 

Give this woman the opportunity to save herself for goodness sake. If she doesn't want to extricate herself from this awful situation in the full knowledge of all having been revealed, well then there is no more to be done for her, but you have a duty to at least give her the opportunity, surely.

[solostand]

I think I should wait until after Christmas.

 

I have severe doubts she would believe the killing her part though. I mean, who says stuff like that? Out loud? To a woman you are having an illicit relationship with that you gotta know could blow up at any time?

 

I have the audiotape of his evil plan to put his seed inside me so I could sit across from her "with her husband" inside me and gloat I suppose. Or he would gloat?

 

She would believe the fat part and the can't get it up for her part and the treating his precious ***** like a Tonka Toy and not being able to make him orgasm through oral sex ever (poor baby).

 

He told me this summer that she said to him "You look like you need a blowjob" and he said "Well I'm not gonna get one from you because you can't give one."

[Sub]

I have to be honest. You're inclusion of all of this dirt really doesn't reflect well on you. It appears you're trying to just make him look worse. But you chose to be complicit in all of this. And it just gets more sordid.

[OpenBook]

I have been tempted to send her that audiotape but I am afraid it would be too devastating to her. I was married once and my God, I could not imagine my husband saying something like that. To me it shows anger and hatred towards her in a passive aggressive way. The ultimate "I'll show you bitch". It even has an evil laugh after he said it! Plus, he was dead serious.

 

 

 

Yup, totally fits my theory that men who cheat on their W's are full of anger at them. What fascinates me is how hatred can actually bind a marriage together. I've seen countless examples of it. Perhaps there's love underneath it that I don't see, but God what a horrible way to live.

[thefooloftheyear]

Guy comes home from work and sits on the couch...Out of nowhere, his wife smashes him over the head with a cast iron frying pan...He yells.."What the hell did you do that for?"

 

She says..."I was doing your laundry and I found a note in your back pocket with the name "Jenny" on it"

 

He says..." Silly, that was the horse I was playing in the third race"

 

Day goes by and he comes home and plops on the couch again...She walks over and smashes him over the head...this time even harder...

 

He says "Jesus, now why the hell did you do THAT?"

 

She says..."Well...your horse just called "...

 

 

 

My advice..?

 

Tell her, but get him a construction type hardhat and give it to him before hand..he might need it..!

 

Sorry in advance if I offended anyone with the humor....

 

 

TFY

[solostand]

I have to be honest. You're inclusion of all of this dirt really doesn't reflect well on you. It appears you're trying to just make him look worse. But you chose to be complicit in all of this. And it just gets more sordid.

 

I never said I was innocent, far from it. I knew he was married and I went right for it. . .I'm not really trying to make him look worse - just letting scales fall off my eyes with my mouth open in horror. I was definitely complicit in all of this. I lapped his attention up. I LOVED it. Now that I have had time to contemplate what really happened to me I am realizing he selected me because he could tell I was very vulnerable at the time with low self esteem, spent a lot of time working on me through words and long drives and acting like the only friend in the world, and then bam, snagging me like the spider snags the fly.

 

Now the reasons I didn't hit him with a frying pan the first time I heard him say one of those dreadful things - - - I was "in love" ha ha ha. There is no excuse for me not to demand respect for her. I think I was kinda feeling in competition and feeling these statements meant I was winning. Sick as that is.

 

Also, it helps me remember why I have to stay away from him when objective strangers read things that happened and call him out for what he is.

Edited December 13, 2013 by solostand

[Speakingofwhich]

The things you're sharing about him, I've been considering as your way of processing and discarding your feelings about him/it. Though you've made your exit processing your thoughts about the A seem to be helping you distance yourself from him.

[Snipercatt]

Solo, you've asked if you should tell her and some have said yes, and some have said no. I'm still neutral on that question. I'm concerned that if you inform her that it may damage your resolve, or it may embroil you in unpredictable drama, or give you whiplash from the backlash.

 

Some say BW deserves to know. Maybe that is true, but what is the probability she will believe it from you? I think postponing a decision until you can discuss the situationwith her without vengance towards MM and from a compassionate attitude towards her would be best.

 

You've been in a tough place and I think you are coping very well.

[solostand]

Thanks Sniper. I WANT to tell, but at the same time I do not want to drop an atomic bomb over the poor woman's head. I have enough proof that she would believe it, but what would the purpose be? She has been married to him for 35 years, surely she knows who she's married to?

 

Anyway, something that may be of use to others that I learned during that relationship: When someone tells you who they are BELIEVE THEM!

 

We said ILY all the time. He was the first one to say it actually, and very early in.

 

Anyway, one day I said ILY. He said "I am not worthy of love." I said "Of course you are, everyone is worthy of love." He said "No, I am not a loveable person. My mother left me when I was a baby and ran away with another man, so I'm unloveable."

 

He really believes this and his actions therefore project it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks Sniper. I WANT to tell, but at the same time I do not want to drop an atomic bomb over the poor woman's head. I have enough proof that she would believe it, but what would the purpose be? She has been married to him for 35 years, surely she knows who she's married to?

 

Anyway, something that may be of use to others that I learned during that relationship: When someone tells you who they are BELIEVE THEM!

 

We said ILY all the time. He was the first one to say it actually, and very early in.

 

Anyway, one day I said ILY. He said "I am not worthy of love." I said "Of course you are, everyone is worthy of love." He said "No, I am not a loveable person. My mother left me when I was a baby and ran away with another man, so I'm unloveable."

 

He really believes this and his actions therefore project it.

 

Think I posted that I wish his W could know so she'd have him leave. Earlier i did post if she called and asked I thought you should tell her the truth. But, not sure if in your place I would initiate contact with her.

 

I kind of don't think I would just because it's such a long term marriage and surely she knows by now what type of man he is and accepts him that way.

 

To have said the ugly things about her indicates to me that's his mo so she's probably heard him say equally crass things about other people and still stayed with him.

[solostand]

I had to share this. Do I know this guy are what?

 

So yesterday when I got home checked mailbox and there was a Christmas Card addressed to me. I opened it and guess what? Two crisp one hundred dollar bills. It was signed Santa so of course I know who it is because I was helping him hand his random gift cards as "santa" last year.

 

So I took the two hundred bucks and plan to buy some good self help books!

 

Thanks Santa!

[anne1707]

Or you could donate it to a charity

[beach]

I had to share this. Do I know this guy are what?

 

So yesterday when I got home checked mailbox and there was a Christmas Card addressed to me. I opened it and guess what? Two crisp one hundred dollar bills. It was signed Santa so of course I know who it is because I was helping him hand his random gift cards as "santa" last year.

 

So I took the two hundred bucks and plan to buy some good self help books!

 

Thanks Santa!

 

Or you could send it back to his wife!

 

Taking his money is continuing to accept his manipulations.