Should I tell

[solostand]

You there solo? What's your plan?

 

I am here.

Just like to clear up a few misconceptions.

 

I HAVE STOPPED seeing MM and have had no contact for a month. I have changed AA groups to avoid him.

 

I did not see him when he dropped off his $200, but I had predicted in this very thread that he would do it. I put it in a Salvation Army bucket. He shows affection by handing out hundred dollar bills.

 

I have not yet contacted his wife because I have a very strong feeling she will contact me. He said she was always a "very good detective" in her job, which was a public health nurse (tracking down STD partners and such).

 

I do not think she knows for sure about the affair. I know she has shown quite a bit of suspicion. This suspicion has been growing. She has been dropping hints about an affair since the summer and basically told him in September that if he was having an affair, stop, and if he was thinking of starting one, don't.

 

She told him that no one else could look after him the way she does, and she has been doing it for 45 years.

 

She is very healthy and lives a very busy life. One thing that always struck me is that the never did ANYTHING together, unless it was required (a funeral).

 

She has many many many friends and is always with them. They're always out getting their nails done and their toenails done and their hair done and they seem to have fun.

 

Four of them went on a trip and one of those friends warned her that the word is that her husband is having an affair with Solostand.

 

As to her weight, hey, I saw her and I didn't think she's fat. She's an older woman who has had two children. He was always complaining she was fat but he was looking at her through the lens of someone 20 years her junior who is also blessed with a good figure through no work at all.

 

As far as the death threat or whatever. It was in April, soon after he returned from Florida. We were trout fishing and I was sitting on the culvert and he was lying on the grass and he said "I am so in love with you that I was actually trying to figure out ways to kill the old lady, in a way no one would know."

 

Note, that was April it is now December and she's very much alive. If I told her this, I do not think she would believe it.

 

I also have photos of us on that fishing trip, plus other photos of him with me, plus the tape that I have. So I do have evidence. . . .

 

I'm still not over it. The longer that passes the more I realize he just snapped up this vulnerable girl who was going through a very hard time and took advantage of her.

 

They say dirty old men. I never saw him as old because he doesn't look old but he is a dirty old man.

[Iguanna]

Solo can you just go on with your life and stop thinking what they are doing etc?

[solostand]

Solo can you just go on with your life and stop thinking what they are doing etc?

 

I am going on with my life. People here keep asking me how I'm doing. Sorry if I bother you. You can hit ignore if you don't like it.

 

It reminds me after a death when people after a month say "she/he should be over it by now!" and totally ignore the person or stop visiting or just treat them like they always did.

[Iguanna]

I am going on with my life. People here keep asking me how I'm doing. Sorry if I bother you. You can hit ignore if you don't like it.

 

It reminds me after a death when people after a month say "she/he should be over it by now!" and totally ignore the person or stop visiting or just treat them like they always did.

 

 

Whoa I didn't mean for you to feel attacked. Two days ago you said "I'm gonna tell her after Christmas" that's why I figured your mind is there and you are not going on with your life. If you don't care about him and his wife, you can just say "you know what, I don't care about what they are doing, I'm doing my thing" and close the thread. But if you drop the "I'm gonna tell her after Christmas" bomb, you seem like you care and a lot also.

[Snipercatt]

That's the thing about relationships. Once we develop heart strings it is difficult to change those feelings. ?time and emotional distance help, but, well, . . . it takes time. No need to apologize for that, Solo.

 

I'm glad to hear you are taking the steps necessary to move on. I continue to think of you and I'm glad to see you updates.

[solostand]

Whoa I didn't mean for you to feel attacked. Two days ago you said "I'm gonna tell her after Christmas" that's why I figured your mind is there and you are not going on with your life. If you don't care about him and his wife, you can just say "you know what, I don't care about what they are doing, I'm doing my thing" and close the thread. But if you drop the "I'm gonna tell her after Christmas" bomb, you seem like you care and a lot also.

 

Its not MY Christmas I'm worried about - its hers, and the two children, one of whom has just found out she is pregnant. I know the BW takes Christmas very seriously and the kids are coming home from other provinces. I was in the picture last Christmas. I just can't do it - ruin that event when it can wait.

 

I am working on mental mind control or whatever it is. It does work. When I have a positive thought about him, I quickly replace it with a negative one. Such as "oh he told me I made his blood boil" to "yeah, but he also wanted to kill his wife."

 

I certainly don't let him consume my days - just half of them, lol!

 

Advice for new OWs out there: Don't do it, please. I wasted a year of my life. At first he was all out gonna leave her and he was just getting the finances in place then possibly maybe kill her if he could think of an undetectable way to do it.

 

And then, very near the end, we had a terrible fight. No, take that back, I yelled at him in a furious rage. I said "You and I would be happy for about three months and then you'd want to go back to your mommy."

 

Couple days later, he said he was thinking of what I said, and I was probably right! He would probably want to go back to mommy.

[experiencethedevine]

Have you forgiven him?

 

 

Absolutely. It was a long time ago.

[solostand]

Don't know whether she will or not. She has in the past. If she does, I'll tell the truth.

 

I am also composing an email which I may or may not send after Christmas because I do believe she knows how disrespectful he is to carry on a year long affair with ILY every day.

 

How did I react on the fishing trip? Well, I didn't dump him did I? I think I said something like don't be ridiculous you CAN get a divorce. Same as I reacted when he made that comment about wanting her husband inside me while I sat across from her. I said "You're Evil". But I could have just opened the truck door got out, went to the flea market, and told the wife.

 

OW become very complicit with their MM. Their loyalty goes to them above all others, probably including yourself.

 

And you're right, I do not know those things first hand. I have met the wife on two occasions, she seems like a strong independent woman. He may have playing the suspicious card to make ME jealous. However, I know she was not happy to have me in his hospital room with her.

[solostand]

Four of them went on a trip and one of those friends warned her that the word is that her husband is having an affair with Solostand.

 

I strongly believe this is true because the woman's husband is an A.A. wife. Her husband is mm's AA sponsor, although he never sees him for any sponsoring.

 

MM and I had felt for a long time that he was acting differently toward us. We went to the same group and MM and I made minimum effort (if any) to hide our relationship. We used to tell each other that if this thing blew up, it would be because of MM's AA sponsor. And it was his wife who told BS.

[Iguanna]

Absolutely. It was a long time ago.

 

Did he explain why he did it? (sorry for the "interrogation", but I find it useful to learn from wiser people ).

[findingnemo]

 

Also, MM do not play the suspicious card to make their OW jealous. They do it b/c they know it gives the OW validation, and gives the OW hope that the marriage is on its way out, and that affair will become an out in the open relationship. It is a textbook way for MM to validate the OW, give her hope, and string her along further. It is not to make you jealous.

 

 

Spot on!!! They also play the "suspicious card" to maintain control of the A. They want the OW/OM to be on tenterhooks all the time and not think of rocking the boat. Most times there is actually no danger from the BS because the BS is clueless. You could find that the BW in this case has no idea, no one has whispered something in her ear and she may have truly believed Solo is just an AA friend. Because the MM felt that things in the A were getting serious, he then concocts these little scenarios where his W is "suspicious". Unfortunately for him, Solo "overreacts" and cuts him off. Suddenly the story changes. "oh", he says, "everything is okay. My BW has no idea I'm with you".

[beach]

Its not MY Christmas I'm worried about - its hers, and the two children, one of whom has just found out she is pregnant. I know the BW takes Christmas very seriously and the kids are coming home from other provinces. I was in the picture last Christmas. I just can't do it - ruin that event when it can wait.

 

I am working on mental mind control or whatever it is. It does work. When I have a positive thought about him, I quickly replace it with a negative one. Such as "oh he told me I made his blood boil" to "yeah, but he also wanted to kill his wife."

 

I certainly don't let him consume my days - just half of them, lol!

 

Advice for new OWs out there: Don't do it, please. I wasted a year of my life. At first he was all out gonna leave her and he was just getting the finances in place then possibly maybe kill her if he could think of an undetectable way to do it.

 

And then, very near the end, we had a terrible fight. No, take that back, I yelled at him in a furious rage. I said "You and I would be happy for about three months and then you'd want to go back to your mommy."

 

Couple days later, he said he was thinking of what I said, and I was probably right! He would probably want to go back to mommy.

 

You're in AA - and you've handed him too much of your power. Much like alcohol.

 

Do you have a higher power? What is it?

 

Have you written out a 4th step specifically on your MM to gain clarity as to why you handed him all your power and to learn how to move past this?

[solostand]

You're in AA - and you've handed him too much of your power. Much like alcohol.

 

Do you have a higher power? What is it?

 

Have you written out a 4th step specifically on your MM to gain clarity as to why you handed him all your power and to learn how to move past this?

 

I did do a fourth step but that was before the Affair began. I know it is time for another one.

And I like how you say I gave him all my power because I did, even times I didn't feel like I had to. I've been thinking of that a lot. By going NC I have taken that power back, to a certain extent. But I must tell myself everyday to keep it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Solostand.....you write like a completely different person than just a few short months ago. Like I said previously...there is a calmness about you now.

 

Now, would be a good time to reflect on where/who you were prior to the affair, where/who you were during the affair..and where/who you want to be going forward. Do it for you.

 

Someone who had the wherewithal to conquer addiction...is someone who walked through fire. You have tremendous strength inside of you. Time to tap into it.

 

Find out where you started to get lost. Was there a trigger/event? If you can pinpoint it...it will help you to shore up that area in your life.

[solostand]

Solostand.....you write like a completely different person than just a few short months ago. Like I said previously...there is a calmness about you now.

 

Now, would be a good time to reflect on where/who you were prior to the affair, where/who you were during the affair..and where/who you want to be going forward. Do it for you.

 

Someone who had the wherewithal to conquer addiction...is someone who walked through fire. You have tremendous strength inside of you. Time to tap into it.

 

Find out where you started to get lost. Was there a trigger/event? If you can pinpoint it...it will help you to shore up that area in your life.

 

Oh definitely there WAS a trigger event, I've really started to realize what it was recently.

 

I was a very ugly duckling as a child. Brilliant and skipping grades, but ugly nonetheless.

 

I had sister who was absolutely beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous.She used this to bully me constantly throughout our entire childhood - you're ugly, you're fat, you'll never get a boyfriend, why don't you kill yourself.

 

The result of this is I internalized all of those things and believe I am ugly and so despicable I should kill myself.

 

Today, technically, I am physically beautiful. Don't know what happened but not a day goes by that I am told that by men and women and people even stop me on the street to say so. Problem is I don't believe them because I am 'fat and ugly;

 

Anyway, I have been involved in aa for 20 years and I was sober for 16 of them. In the summer of 2012 I had a major slip. it was so bad no one in my family was speaking to me, even my 27 year old son.

 

When I returned to A.A. he was there and offered to drive me home, and pick me up each day. This is how he found out that I had no real support system - so he started to act like support system. Oh he listened to my problems and boosted my ego for months. what he was really planning was getting in my pants. Which he did.

 

I was very niave

[heylovey22]

I don't know, this is a tough one. Honestly, if I were in your place I would change my number and let go of it altogether. NC.

 

Incredibly difficult, I know, but I feel it would be the best way to handle it. It's not necessarily "running"- I think that the MM should have to explain.

 

Just my "if I were in this spot" two cents.

[unicorn farts]

Solo, you sound like a new woman.

[experiencethedevine]

Did he explain why he did it? (sorry for the "interrogation", but I find it useful to learn from wiser people ).

 

 

 

This is probably t/jing so if you would like to know more you are welcome to pm me.

[experiencethedevine]

Oh definitely there WAS a trigger event, I've really started to realize what it was recently.

 

I was a very ugly duckling as a child. Brilliant and skipping grades, but ugly nonetheless.

 

I had sister who was absolutely beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous.She used this to bully me constantly throughout our entire childhood - you're ugly, you're fat, you'll never get a boyfriend, why don't you kill yourself.

 

The result of this is I internalized all of those things and believe I am ugly and so despicable I should kill myself.

 

Today, technically, I am physically beautiful. Don't know what happened but not a day goes by that I am told that by men and women and people even stop me on the street to say so. Problem is I don't believe them because I am 'fat and ugly;

 

Anyway, I have been involved in aa for 20 years and I was sober for 16 of them. In the summer of 2012 I had a major slip. it was so bad no one in my family was speaking to me, even my 27 year old son.

 

When I returned to A.A. he was there and offered to drive me home, and pick me up each day. This is how he found out that I had no real support system - so he started to act like support system. Oh he listened to my problems and boosted my ego for months. what he was really planning was getting in my pants. Which he did.

 

I was very niave

 

 

It seems your conscience is redeemable Solo, and your voyage of self discovery begins again.

 

 

Hopefully you will soon feel the lightening of this awful man as burden. I do hope so, for he is likely to have been more toxic to you than your alcohol addiction.

 

 

Maintain the ethos of your AA meetings with regard this vile manipulating creature, and eventually your little steps will become bounding strides into a much healthier future.

 

 

Christmas can be a difficult time for many. Ensure you have things to do and people who care to be with over the festivities so that you protect yourself from losing your resolve.