bentleychic Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Just read more. Yes, for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE do not tell her horrible things that he's said about her. Ever. Even if you do not want them to reconcile. I cannot even begin to imagine how much that would crush a woman's soul on top of finding out that her H had an A. I cannot fathom how that would be good or beneficial for anyone involved. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 On the flip side, and I'm sure I'll get torn a new one for saying it.... Chances are if she's gonna stay with the man that's been in love with you for so long she won't be calling anyways... I read over and over of OW's wanting closure of some sort by offering their side of the A to the BS, who in turn wants nothing to do with the FYI.... I'd literally kick my mans ass and be friendly with the OW, like I did with my very long term bf who cheated.. He got put down like a sick dog, and I felt bad for the girl cause she was manipulated by an ********* who I instantly hated once I found out. Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Also I agree with not telling her the horrible things he said about her, would crush her self esteem weather she stays or leaves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 yes I plan to be respectful and apoligize, for what its worth. I am almost ready for this relationship to be over and I am trying to mentally prepare for it so it won't be a shock. I will tell her everything I guess. But try not to sound like I'm in love with he husband. Should I also tell her about the negative and hurtful things he has said of her? Yes, tell her everything. Even the hurtful things. She should know the type of non person she is married to so that she doesn't waste any more of her life playing nurse maid to someone who is more than willing to dismiss, disparage and destroy her. Give her the option of leaving no stone unturned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Yes, tell her everything. Even the hurtful things. She should know the type of non person she is married to so that she doesn't waste any more of her life playing nurse maid to someone who is more than willing to dismiss, disparage and destroy her. Give her the option of leaving no stone unturned. You know, this is a perspective I had not thought of. When I first read what PandV wrote I shrunk back from the idea. But as I thought about it I began to consider that as BS I might want to know the hurtful things WH said about me. As hard as it would be to hear, at least I'd be able to make a decision knowing the full truth. But, I don't know that I'd be able to do it (tell her hurtful things he'd said), though. I really don't think I could. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 If she calls, tell her that you've been having an affair with her husband and apologize, and that she should talk to him and not let him deny it. let her know that you've been also wanting to end it for a while so now the truth is out, you've chosen to back off and leave them be. Make it respectfully clear to her that it is up to her if she wishes to contact you again, you will be honest and answer her questions but you're not looking for a fight. I disagree with more lying. He's done a fine job of that for too long and it's time he owns up to what he's done. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I just want to emphasise how I think its so important to apologise... It will sit so much better, maybe not now but further down the track. Whatever the outcome. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 Well I would apologize because the thing is, and I don't know if this is true for other OW, but when we started the affair, it was not about her at all. At least not in my mind. He had explained they lived as companions, like brother and sister, and I sucked that right up. I didn't even know her name for the longest time. . .she was not real to me and I guess that speaks a lot of my moral failings. At first he never talked about her. It was only later that I learned she was not only real, but she did not see her husband as a brother, that I began to feel guilt. And although I tried to hate her, I could not because I could tell she loved him. Even yesterday he was downplaying the cell phone bill thing which leads me to believe he has no idea what's about to unfold. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 One more thing: the reason I know she'll call is because when we first got together, I asked if he had ever had an affair before. He said he had not had an affair, but he had the odd ONS when he was drinking. He said one of those women phoned his cell when he was with his wife and he didn't know how to erase the number. She got the number, investigated, found out who the woman was, and went to her house. I asked what happened. He said "I don't know but I never heard from her again." How passive can you be? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 One more thing: the reason I know she'll call is because when we first got together, I asked if he had ever had an affair before. He said he had not had an affair, but he had the odd ONS when he was drinking. He said one of those women phoned his cell when he was with his wife and he didn't know how to erase the number. She got the number, investigated, found out who the woman was, and went to her house. I asked what happened. He said "I don't know but I never heard from her again." How passive can you be? Not only that, but you do know there's probably a lot more to that story that he's left out (of course to make himself look better). I'm glad you see what's what now. Stick to it and be strong. Actually, I think you need to end things with him whether she calls or not. It's time. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Good luck solo. It is definitely the right thing to do x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 One more thing: the reason I know she'll call is because when we first got together, I asked if he had ever had an affair before. He said he had not had an affair, but he had the odd ONS when he was drinking. He said one of those women phoned his cell when he was with his wife and he didn't know how to erase the number. She got the number, investigated, found out who the woman was, and went to her house. I asked what happened. He said "I don't know but I never heard from her again." How passive can you be? If you speak to his wife,please bring up this incident and let her know he told you his marriage was not good and he had a one night stand before. I will bet you anything he has had more than a one night stand that she knows of and PLENTY she does not know about. Let her fill you in on the truth. You need to know the real man rather than the one he chooses to show you. This is a life lesson I have learned. I had an ex with tons of issues. BUT he blamed his ex before me for the break-up. He was going through tough times, she was not supportive, she was selfish, just left him out of the blue. It was not till 2 years later as I realized he had huge narcissistic tendencies and we were breaking up did I finally have the courage to call her.I dd this to confirm reality so he could manipulate me no more. She was beautiful,a dental student and good hearted from a loving family. He had her as shell shocked as I was when the man behind the mask was revealed. He was selfish,had anger issues,manipulative and a liar. But always the victim. for a long time I felt sorry for him because his ex abandoned him. I heard one side,his side. Big mistake with manipulators. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 Today when he called I did not answer. Hope to be strong enough to do the same tomorrow. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 I realize that. Pretty sure it was him today though cause the call came in at his usual phoning time. I didnt answer today because Im trying to end the relationship. It will be very very hard, I might slip. Over in the infidelity thread, there is a good post about changing the way you think about AP. For example he may be a good lover and nice to me, but he's also cheating on his wife, so he's a liar. He may buy me things, but then he;ll say You can sit in my truck with me for 15 minutes then I gotta go. My turning point began when he was in hospital and I was sneaking in to see him right behind his wife and that he called his mistress twice a day from the hospital just two days after he was in intensive care and almost died and and his wife was crying her eyes out, Also, since it appears its gonna blow up any minute here, I would like to do it on my own time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I realize that. Pretty sure it was him today though cause the call came in at his usual phoning time. I didnt answer today because Im trying to end the relationship. It will be very very hard, I might slip. Over in the infidelity thread, there is a good post about changing the way you think about AP. For example he may be a good lover and nice to me, but he's also cheating on his wife, so he's a liar. He may buy me things, but then he;ll say You can sit in my truck with me for 15 minutes then I gotta go. My turning point began when he was in hospital and I was sneaking in to see him right behind his wife and that he called his mistress twice a day from the hospital just two days after he was in intensive care and almost died and and his wife was crying her eyes out, Also, since it appears its gonna blow up any minute here, I would like to do it on my own time. DO Focus on the crappy stuff about him, his flaws and negative qualities. That is a HUGE part of him, not just the good stuff and how he made you feel during fun and happy times. This guy is a piece of work and couldn't care less what he is doing to his wife, whom now you see does love and care for him deeply. Stay strong, you can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 yes i plan to write a pro/don list and I know the con's will come out ahead by far! Another thing that bugs me is references to his wife's weight. She is 66 years old, she's had two kids, and of course her body has changed. He says she is 60 pounds overweight. And when I saw her, she looked perfectly presentable. Maybe a little overweight, but MM you are no Brad Pitt yourself. Besides, if you love someone, you love them unconditionally you don't whine that they're too fat. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 From where I sit...the most negative thing about MM, is that he thought so little of you that you would accept being the OW in the first place. A woman that he knows has faced many demons in her past, and is currently working to move past those demons. That a pair of lined jeans would shut you up and make you toe the party line. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Yes, tell her everything. Even the hurtful things. She should know the type of non person she is married to so that she doesn't waste any more of her life playing nurse maid to someone who is more than willing to dismiss, disparage and destroy her. Give her the option of leaving no stone unturned. Thank you for saying this. I was reading through figuring out how I was going to say these same things without blowing this thread up. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you're going to tell her some you need to be prepared to tell her all. I would only answer the questions she asks and I would not lie about a thing. I'm surprised everyone is so against the idea of telling her the bad stuff. If it was done maliciously fair enough but if it's answering legit questions then go for it. This would be considered trickle truthing if it were WS only giving out bits of information and everyone would be all over it. Be honest and as respectful as she is to you. I would tell her this is the only chance she'll get to talk to you because YOU are moving on and not going to keep rehashing it. Of course that's just me and exactly what I told DMMs W. Good luck and now I'll read the rest of the thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Tell her, but she won't believe you. She didn't the first time. She will just want him to end it with you and forget about it. Till the next time. So second time around, IME, I would not answer. Pointless, they feed on the drama some BS when they have had a serial cheater for an H, they just bat them off like flies. It keeps them alive. It makes them feel loved and we OW fall for it like we cannot believe they would have accepted that. Be aware, she could use HIS phone to call you Wow. So much anger and assumptions at BS...have you been a BS? Why do you tell yourself these things about BS? Does it make you feel better to blame the BS for your issues? Ugh. I recommend you seek ice to uncover your issues so you can move forward and accept both your role and mm role.... Solo, I and many of the respondents here have been BS. I can tell you with all honesty that I and many other BS would want the truth. If the ow in my sitch had simply been honest instead of lying (she was lying, she didn't realize I had their texts, and it was a ridiculous situation) Even if she stays with him, that doesn't mean she doesn't believe you. You are doing the right thing by being honest. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) If you speak to his wife,please bring up this incident and let her know he told you his marriage was not good and he had a one night stand before. I will bet you anything he has had more than a one night stand that she knows of and PLENTY she does not know about. Let her fill you in on the truth. You need to know the real man rather than the one he chooses to show you. This is a life lesson I have learned. I had an ex with tons of issues. BUT he blamed his ex before me for the break-up. He was going through tough times, she was not supportive, she was selfish, just left him out of the blue. It was not till 2 years later as I realized he had huge narcissistic tendencies and we were breaking up did I finally have the courage to call her.I dd this to confirm reality so he could manipulate me no more. She was beautiful,a dental student and good hearted from a loving family. He had her as shell shocked as I was when the man behind the mask was revealed. He was selfish,had anger issues,manipulative and a liar. But always the victim. for a long time I felt sorry for him because his ex abandoned him. I heard one side,his side. Big mistake with manipulators. If you decide to tell her the truth, then you should tell her the whole truth; everything. She deserves to know about the affair, but not all of the things he said about her? Is that not lying by omission? If one part of the truth is good enough then the other part is as well. Secondly, it will let her know who she is dealing with much better if she knows what he has said and done prior regardless if it may hurt her more. You aren't protecting anybody at this point. It is not your job. Edited November 29, 2013 by Realist3 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 Well its been two days since I have spoken to him and I feel. . .empowered! Everytime I wonder what he thinks is going on, I say to him silently (well, maybe I could spare you 15 minutes in my truck LOL) I'd rather spare 15 minutes cuddled up with a good book and your lined jeans suck because they were bought at an old man store!!!!!!!!! Rock On! Still expecting a call from her though. Soon as she gets her hands on those actual phone records (the phones belong to the company) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Well its been two days since I have spoken to him and I feel. . .empowered! Everytime I wonder what he thinks is going on, I say to him silently (well, maybe I could spare you 15 minutes in my truck LOL) I'd rather spare 15 minutes cuddled up with a good book and your lined jeans suck because they were bought at an old man store!!!!!!!!! Rock On! Still expecting a call from her though. Soon as she gets her hands on those actual phone records (the phones belong to the company) To the company? Whose company? If she is not one of the owners of said company the chances of her getting those records are between slim and none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 yeah she is vice president and treasurer. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) yeah she is vice president and treasurer. Is she or is she not an owner? If he opened up the business account it is very likely he is the only name on the account so she would be out of luck. Edited November 29, 2013 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 His wife pays all the bills for the company. That means she does have access to all accounts including cells phones. Whether she is an owner or not doesn't matter when she is the accountant for the company. Right or wrong, a wife isn't going to worry about legal or not when she is digging for the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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