Should I tell

[HopingAgain]

Well I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday and for me, that's amazing!!!!

 

When I saw he had called this morning I was briefly traumatized and very briefly thought of returning his call.

 

But then I used one of those good old AA Adages: Don't do it just for today. Doesn't mean I will never speak to him again, but for today, I choose not to. Its only one day right?

 

Tomorrow I plan to make the same decision. And so on and so on and so on.

 

Good for you! One day at a time..keep it up!

[liloldlady]

should I tell her the truth?

 

I never, ever answer a call from an unrecognized number. Screen. And I get a lot of calls where no one leaves a voicemail.

[beach]

One more thing: the reason I know she'll call is because when we first got together, I asked if he had ever had an affair before.

 

He said he had not had an affair, but he had the odd ONS when he was drinking. He said one of those women phoned his cell when he was with his wife and he didn't know how to erase the number. She got the number, investigated, found out who the woman was, and went to her house.

 

I asked what happened. He said "I don't know but I never heard from her again."

 

How passive can you be?

 

You should be ask yourself - how aggressive and destructive you have been/intend to still be...?

 

Never mind asking him anything - this is about how you participate.

[solostand]

So everything was going really peachy and I was feeling STRONG in not answering his calls and then this morning - he showed up my door.

 

He was "worried" about me. So I indicated that things were just fine with me but for him, getting too close to d-day and its best to just end it and save all the drama.

 

Then he advises me that his wife went on a trip with two girlfriends this weekend, one of whom is married to an A.A. member. This girlfriend said to her "I honestly don't know how to tell you this, but your husband seems very close to Solostand. Too close."

 

So this was the topic of conversation for the trip and the BS said she knew I had visited him "several" times in hospital and had some excuse which she didn't believe. She told MM this when she got home.

 

So I said MM is there not a BETTER reason to end it?

 

And he said "NO! There's nothing to worry about. I can control it."

 

I said I did not wish to be involved in a d-day so cya.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Good for you!!!

 

I want to advise you that all because you have decided to walk away, does not mean a Dday won't happen and there won't be fall out.

 

Best to mentally prepare yourself.

[Realist3]

So everything was going really peachy and I was feeling STRONG in not answering his calls and then this morning - he showed up my door.

 

He was "worried" about me. So I indicated that things were just fine with me but for him, getting too close to d-day and its best to just end it and save all the drama.

 

Then he advises me that his wife went on a trip with two girlfriends this weekend, one of whom is married to an A.A. member. This girlfriend said to her "I honestly don't know how to tell you this, but your husband seems very close to Solostand. Too close."

 

So this was the topic of conversation for the trip and the BS said she knew I had visited him "several" times in hospital and had some excuse which she didn't believe. She told MM this when she got home.

 

So I said MM is there not a BETTER reason to end it?

 

And he said "NO! There's nothing to worry about. I can control it."

 

I said I did not wish to be involved in a d-day so cya.

 

Seems like you may be a little too late for that.

[solostand]

Yeah I know I asked if she could find the actual phone numbers and he said she could because she has done it before on the computer.

 

What blows my mind is that he seems so blase about, like his wife is three steps from finding out - we are now the source of gossip in his wife's social circles - and he still wants to continue the affair. What is wrong with him?

 

So yep I am still expecting a call from her.

[Realist3]

Because at this point it doesn't matter. Whether you ended it today or next week or 5 weeks ago. What's done is done. If she can get the proof on the phone records you are toast.

[AlwaysGrowing]

She doesn't even need phone records at this point, the wife is fully aware of who solostand is, and with little effort locate her.

[Owl]

So...does he finally understand that it's over, you're no longer his side dish, and he's not going to come over/call/text/send carrier pigeons now?

 

Because he needs to get that message loud and clear...unmistakeably so in fact.

 

He needs it spelled out in big bold letters..."IT'S OVER, DON'T CONTACT ME IN ANY FASHION EVER AGAIN!!!!!".

 

Anything less will simply prolong this whole thing.

[solostand]

Ya he gets it. I've already changed AA meetings.

 

My worry now is will SHE show up at my door?

[whichwayisup]

So everything was going really peachy and I was feeling STRONG in not answering his calls and then this morning - he showed up my door.

 

He was "worried" about me. So I indicated that things were just fine with me but for him, getting too close to d-day and its best to just end it and save all the drama.

 

Then he advises me that his wife went on a trip with two girlfriends this weekend, one of whom is married to an A.A. member. This girlfriend said to her "I honestly don't know how to tell you this, but your husband seems very close to Solostand. Too close."

 

So this was the topic of conversation for the trip and the BS said she knew I had visited him "several" times in hospital and had some excuse which she didn't believe. She told MM this when she got home.

 

So I said MM is there not a BETTER reason to end it?

 

And he said "NO! There's nothing to worry about. I can control it."

 

I said I did not wish to be involved in a d-day so cya.

 

Control what? Boy he is stupid..So fricken stupid...I actually laughed there. He has his head so far up his ass, he has no clue and is so arrogant! He has no idea what's about to smack him in the face. And he deserves it too!!

 

Yeah I know I asked if she could find the actual phone numbers and he said she could because she has done it before on the computer.

 

What blows my mind is that he seems so blase about, like his wife is three steps from finding out - we are now the source of gossip in his wife's social circles - and he still wants to continue the affair. What is wrong with him?

 

So yep I am still expecting a call from her.

 

You answer all that she asks, apologize for your part in the affair and for visiting him in the hospital, admit you took a huge chance by going there often. Question is, is the A over in your eyes or are you going to take him in when she throws him out on his cheating disgusting ass?

 

It's not that she hasn't found out, SHE HAS FOUND OUT. She isn't 3 steps away..at all.

 

Ya he gets it. I've already changed AA meetings.

 

My worry now is will SHE show up at my door?

 

If she does, make sure she understands that you will not tolerate a big fight, if she is willing to talk to you without freaking out or any violence, then you can go somewhere and talk. Go for a walk to your nearest coffee house or cafe. But, I doubt she's going to bust over to your house.

[Speakingofwhich]

How are you, Solostand?

[WrinkledForehead]

Well I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday and for me, that's amazing!!!!

 

When I saw he had called this morning I was briefly traumatized and very briefly thought of returning his call.

 

But then I used one of those good old AA Adages: Don't do it just for today. Doesn't mean I will never speak to him again, but for today, I choose not to. Its only one day right?

 

Tomorrow I plan to make the same decision. And so on and so on and so on.

 

That's actually the key way to quit any type of addiction. Instead of fighting your mind by creating limitations, it's far better to remove the limitations and create a way to appease and somewhat trick your own mind. It creates less neurotic conflict. What you did was perfect.

 

"'One breath at a time is an acceptable plan,' she tells herself."

[rumbleseat]

I don't know much about AA and it's principles, but from what I understand, part of their philosophy involves controlling the things that you can control and letting go of those you can't.

 

OP, you can only control your own actions. By doing so, you are taking back control over your feelings and the rest of your life as well. You can't control him and what he does, nor his wife, but you can control how you react to them.

 

 

If his wife comes to you seeking answers, be honest. Own your part, don't minimize his, then move on.

[Iguanna]

is the A over in your eyes or are you going to take him in when she throws him out on his cheating disgusting ass?

 

I'm gonna bet she won't divorce him or throw him out. She is 66, her kids are grown, she doesn't want to be humiliated in her circle "her husband left her for a younger model". She will keep him and make his life miserable. Or she will keep him, put an investigator to follow him everywhere, phones conversations, bills, the whole package and then leave him with nothing in court (imo this is what he deserves for being so arrogant and ungrateful).

[solostand]

Pretty anxious actually. I mean, I guess I was living in la la land by never thinking these things get uncovered - but sheesh, what was I thinking? We were pretty open at the end of it, being seen together all over the place, he introducing me to all kinds of people - coming to a WAKE with me where he ran into his neighbours! There was a long time when I just pretended he was my legitimate boyfriend and he went along with it - even meeting my adult son.

 

As far as his wife, when she gets the phone records there is absolutely no way to explain away 1500 calls to one number - sometimes seven a day - sometimes longer than an hour.

 

I would like to fly away for a few months, lol. But when the time comes I will deal with her as best I can, with respect, and apologize. She seems like a reasonable person, but she does strike me as someone who could have one hell of a temper.

[solostand]

I'm gonna bet she won't divorce him or throw him out. She is 66, her kids are grown, she doesn't want to be humiliated in her circle "her husband left her for a younger model". She will keep him and make his life miserable. Or she will keep him, put an investigator to follow him everywhere, phones conversations, bills, the whole package and then leave him with nothing in court (imo this is what he deserves for being so arrogant and ungrateful).

 

He has NO idea the world of pain he is in for. Being on a leash (which he will be) will be almost untenable to him. Being required to be 100 per cent open will drive him nuts! I am not sure he can do it but it will be interesting to watch when it happens. He will feel totally emasculated and that is something he cannot stand. He's "The Man" ya know?

[Realist3]

Pretty anxious actually. I mean, I guess I was living in la la land by never thinking these things get uncovered - but sheesh, what was I thinking? We were pretty open at the end of it, being seen together all over the place, he introducing me to all kinds of people - coming to a WAKE with me where he ran into his neighbours! There was a long time when I just pretended he was my legitimate boyfriend and he went along with it - even meeting my adult son.

 

As far as his wife, when she gets the phone records there is absolutely no way to explain away 1500 calls to one number - sometimes seven a day - sometimes longer than an hour.

 

I would like to fly away for a few months, lol. But when the time comes I will deal with her as best I can, with respect, and apologize. She seems like a reasonable person, but she does strike me as someone who could have one hell of a temper.

 

I can't imagine what either of you were thinking doing all of that. The numerous public appearances, and using his phone? Had you two never heard of Skype or free text apps? It is like you were begging to get busted. Mission accomplished.

 

I'm going to go with she doesn't contact you. Creating a scene just doesn't seem like a probable scenario with a woman that age. She will deal with it at home.

[Goodbye]

Well I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday and for me, that's amazing!!!!

 

When I saw he had called this morning I was briefly traumatized and very briefly thought of returning his call.

 

But then I used one of those good old AA Adages: Don't do it just for today. Doesn't mean I will never speak to him again, but for today, I choose not to. Its only one day right?

 

Tomorrow I plan to make the same decision. And so on and so on and so on.

 

 

AA is also a program of rigorous honesty. Hint, hint.

[Sub]

As far as his wife, when she gets the phone records there is absolutely no way to explain away 1500 calls to one number - sometimes seven a day - sometimes longer than an hour.

 

The phone records may just be for use in proving a paper trail. Given that she was clued in by the wife of someone in AA, she's probably spending a lot of time asking other people about the two of you, especially if you weren't exactly keeping it a secret. She's probably going to view that - the public appearances, the introductions to people they probably know as a couple - as you taking part in rubbing it in her face. I'd be prepared for the worst from her.

[whichwayisup]

I'm gonna bet she won't divorce him or throw him out. She is 66, her kids are grown, she doesn't want to be humiliated in her circle "her husband left her for a younger model". She will keep him and make his life miserable. Or she will keep him, put an investigator to follow him everywhere, phones conversations, bills, the whole package and then leave him with nothing in court (imo this is what he deserves for being so arrogant and ungrateful).

 

Yet nothing is keeping him at home either. he could easily walk out the door and ask for a divorce. He hasn't and will not do that. why? Because he has no intention of changing anything.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Quite honestly, being the age he is..I won't be surprised if family and friends try to get him to agree to some type of mental health assessment.

 

Also regarding his age. You are more likely to be viewed as a person who took advantage of an elderly citizen..by accepting money/gifts etc. Emotional and financial abuse of seniors are the most commonly reported.

 

His erratic behaviour, his cheating, poor judgement are just a few warning signs of dementia.

[cozycottagelg]

Quite honestly, being the age he is..I won't be surprised if family and friends try to get him to agree to some type of mental health assessment.

 

Also regarding his age. You are more likely to be viewed as a person who took advantage of an elderly citizen..by accepting money/gifts etc. Emotional and financial abuse of seniors are the most commonly reported.

 

His erratic behaviour, his cheating, poor judgement are just a few warning signs of dementia.

 

How old is he? I wasn't under the impression he was elderly?

[cozycottagelg]

I just looked at old posts, he's 64, that is hardly elderly.