Should I tell

[solostand]

200,000? Where do you live, Windsor, Ont? Average price of a middle class home is well over 500,000, and the upper class is close to 800 to 1 mil. At least in my City in Ontario.

 

Anyway, glad you're over. Just really hope you mean that.

 

Eastern Canada. The average price of a house where I live is below $150,000.

[Snipercatt]

I know you know that breaking a habit, or starting a new one, is one day at a time.

 

Wishing you the strength and peace that you need.

[solostand]

It is a big snowstorm here today and I am having a sad day. I was thinking that regardless if it is the devil himself, you get attached to a person when they are in your world every day for over a year. Not to mention sexually attached when you are making love to one man regularly for one year. I have to keep thinking of the bad things.

Also, I have chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

For some reason, I find it hard to cry.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sometimes the heart does not look at facts. That is why it is often best to follow your head..logic.

 

Keep doing what you are doing.

[Snipercatt]

There's no way but through it. It's gruelling and requires grit.

 

The only way to change a habit is with day, by day, behavior. Eventually the new habit supercedes the old.

[solostand]

Just an update on my situation. Still holding nc but some days it is so very very hard! He has phoned my phone but I do not answer. I find a void in time because we used to talk on the phone morning noon and night. We shared confidences like best friends and I miss that.

 

Also, this is a small town so the opportunity is there to run into him at any time. For example, yesterday I was driving down the street and his truck was parked in front of the physiotherapy building. It was a punch in the gut. I knew he was in that building, 50 feet away from me, and all I had to do was walk in that door! I drove by.

 

I find myself consumed by fantasies of confessing to his wife. I don't know why but in my mind I phone her up or go visit her and tell her everything. I don't know why?

 

I did hear through the grapevine that its all over the bar in his tiny village that some woman closed the curtain in his hospital room and called him "sweetie". So its gossip fodder.

 

Anyway, I am finding the whole thing rather traumatic but I can't believe I made it this long.

[Realist3]

Solo, what is your endgame? What steps are you taking to achieve that goal?

[Snipercatt]

I find a void in time because we used to talk on the phone morning noon and night.

 

It is very important that you fill that void. Find something. Volunteer, take a class, get a part time job. Do something that requires a commitment.

[solostand]

Solo, what is your endgame? What steps are you taking to achieve that goal?

 

Endgame is to move on so that it doesn't hurt anymore. . .find out why my self esteem is so low that I would accept a year long affair with a very married man, find new ways to fill my time and stop obsessing!

 

I am still afraid I will be getting a call from the wife especially after the gossip that's spreading through their village.

[jlola]

Endgame is to move on so that it doesn't hurt anymore. . .find out why my self esteem is so low that I would accept a year long affair with a very married man, find new ways to fill my time and stop obsessing!

 

I am still afraid I will be getting a call from the wife especially after the gossip that's spreading through their village.

 

Solostand, the gossip was a guarantee. Living in such a small town and being so blatant with the affair, it was bound to happen. This man did not seem to care what he reaped. I think you are brave to prepare yourself for the phone call and telling BS the truth. Good luck!

[threelaurels]

Endgame is to move on so that it doesn't hurt anymore. . .find out why my self esteem is so low that I would accept a year long affair with a very married man, find new ways to fill my time and stop obsessing!

 

I am still afraid I will be getting a call from the wife especially after the gossip that's spreading through their village.

 

I just want to say that you have come a long way since you first started posting here. I'm glad you see MM for what he is now... a scumbag. We all lose our way sometimes, and the only thing we can do is to keep moving forward. Take things one day at a time. NC will be the hardest in the first few weeks/months, but it will get easier and easier with time. Are you in IC? If not, you should consider that your next step on the road to recovery.

[js091213]

Solostand: I'm fairly sure that the OMW has already figured out who you are, and your phone numbers. This information is fairly easily to retrieve on the internet. Since she's had your contact information for several weeks now already, why would she wait this long to call you? In my opinion it would be pointless for her to contact you now. She already knows her husband is having an affair with you, so why would she call? More than likely she is accumulating more evidence to confront him with on D-Day.

 

I am very impressed that you decided to call things off with OM. It takes a lot of respect and courage to do this and my hats off to you.

 

The OM sounds like a POS. You should run from him. He doesn't like he will ever leave his wife. You'll only get hurt in the end.

[solostand]

Oh she knows exactly who I am, my name, age, everything. She has met me in person and I had to have small talk with her across her husband's hospital bed, while he looked on grinning like a cheshire cat. xMM said that is when she got VERY suspicious because I am attractive with a good figure, and she would know that he would be interested in me because of that.

 

I recently heard she was asking how old I am. His argument to her was always that I was way too young for an old man like him - that I wouldn't be interested.

 

I too am sure she has my number - or she's just waiting to retrieve it from the phone records which she does have access to. She's going to see at least 1500 calls to and from it.

But I'm pretty sure she has it because last winter when they were in Florida - I called his cell. She called me back. It went to my voicemail but her message was "I'd like to know who Solostand is", so she would know that it was going on since at least last February (actually started last November).

 

I do still expect to hear from her. My theory is she is waiting for Christmas to be over before she has a d-day.

 

I still keep thinking of arranging a meeting with her to tell her everything because he will deny deny deny and trickle truth her to death, but I don't have the courage.

 

I am still struggling with missing him believe it or not. He was a constant in my life, a constant friend. Some days I am very sad. I try to keep busy.

[whichwayisup]

I do still expect to hear from her. My theory is she is waiting for Christmas to be over before she has a d-day.

I think so too. Expect a call from her once the holiday season is over, early January is my guess...

I still keep thinking of arranging a meeting with her to tell her everything because he will deny deny deny and trickle truth her to death, but I don't have the courage.

 

When she calls and confronts you, tell her everything. Just own your part in all this too, don't put it all on him. It take two to have an affair and you certainly went into it willingly.

[cozycottagelg]

Oh she knows exactly who I am, my name, age, everything. She has met me in person and I had to have small talk with her across her husband's hospital bed, while he looked on grinning like a cheshire cat. xMM said that is when she got VERY suspicious because I am attractive with a good figure, and she would know that he would be interested in me because of that.

 

I recently heard she was asking how old I am. His argument to her was always that I was way too young for an old man like him - that I wouldn't be interested.

 

I too am sure she has my number - or she's just waiting to retrieve it from the phone records which she does have access to. She's going to see at least 1500 calls to and from it.

But I'm pretty sure she has it because last winter when they were in Florida - I called his cell. She called me back. It went to my voicemail but her message was "I'd like to know who Solostand is", so she would know that it was going on since at least last February (actually started last November).

 

I do still expect to hear from her. My theory is she is waiting for Christmas to be over before she has a d-day.

 

I still keep thinking of arranging a meeting with her to tell her everything because he will deny deny deny and trickle truth her to death, but I don't have the courage.

 

I am still struggling with missing him believe it or not. He was a constant in my life, a constant friend. Some days I am very sad. I try to keep busy.

 

I am not sure meeting with her is a great idea. I'd let her ask you questions and answer them honestly. I don't think you need to be the one to reach out to her. I am so sorry you are missing him though, I am sure that is so hard. Big hugs.

[Iguanna]

While I feel sorry for you feeling sad cause you miss him, I think that you should stay away from both him and his wife. I strongly believe that she won't divorce him even though she knows he had an affair. He is 60 years old, do you really think you were his first and only affair? I'm sure after 30 or more years she's been married to him she knows him too well and she knows that he has had affairs, but she chose to stay with him for some reason we don't know. I truly believe she will never call you. Some wives know that their husbands are not faithful but they want to be spared the details. The only reason that I would advise you to tell her the whole truth is if she starts giving rumors about you to your town, your family and friends.

 

Whatever you do or say, even if you give her recorded calls etc, she would never believe you over her husband.

[solostand]

Well I know she confronted a ONS when she found her number in xmm's cell phone. In person, and that was just a ONS.

 

I have asked him about cheating. We had the kind of relationship where we actually didn't lie because we felt we were partners in crime - I told him about my previous affair. Anyway, he said he had never had an affair before, but he had had ONS. He said he had certainly never fallen for anyone the way he (allegedly) fell for me.

 

There is PLENTY of evidence if she wants it - we were seen by all kinds of people including her neighbours and even their son. I also have a tape of him saying something incredibly hurtful about her. Don't actually want to use it, but I do have it.

[solostand]

Oh I know she wouldn't divorce him either. He seems to think she would but I told him she wouldn't. I also told him if he ever got caught to tell the truth, all of it, right away.

[Snipercatt]

I have asked him about cheating. We had the kind of relationship where we actually didn't lie because we felt we were partners in crime -

 

More stinking thinking. You simply can't know and that's a fact.

 

Things that you post about him, things that you post about her, and things that you post about them point more towards your xMM being a serial cheater than any ONS.

 

You may choose to believe this because you hope that it makes you, and what you had with him special, or you may be naive, but it isn't likely that it is the truth.

[experiencethedevine]

More stinking thinking. You simply can't know and that's a fact.

 

Things that you post about him, things that you post about her, and things that you post about them point more towards your xMM being a serial cheater than any ONS.

 

You may choose to believe this because you hope that it makes you, and what you had with him special, or you may be naive, but it isn't likely that it is the truth.

 

 

I would be inclined to agree somewhat. This horrid individual appears to have no conscience at all, and certainly no loyalty to the wife who crumbled at the thought of him losing his life......................

[Snipercatt]

I could accept that the ONS was a friend, therefore in his phone, and then they hooked up once. However, the fact that BW tracked ONS down says it was much more than that. Who tracks down a person that their

H rarely talked to?

 

Who picks up their husbands cellphone, while they are on vacation and asks who Solostand is? Who does that if there hasn't been a history, or suspected history of unfaithful behavior? Who worries about their husband being attracted to someone who has a good figure? Good figures are in abundance. It is the BW of a husband who has a history of inappropriate and cheating behavior, that's who. No one prefers to live like that! BW may love her H, or she may feel she took a marriage vow and she is supposed to stay with him. I can't imagine, from the things Solostand has posted, that the human side of her enjoys being with him.

 

Solostand you mention his being brazen as a measure of his being a rooky. More than likely his brazeness comes from an attitude of entitlement and arrogance, not being a rooky. I am in an almost entirely male dominated profession and I can tell you that the cheaters that are rookies play their cards close to their vest, it is the experienced cheaters that are sloppy, and public about it.

 

I don't buy that this is his first affair. I can't know, but his behavior is that of a serial cheater.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Snipercatt

[solostand]

Well they were using his phone exclusively on vacation. She had left hers at home. He had told me not to phone it but I did anyway.

 

And the good figure attractive stuff is only because I was already well on her radar at that time but I think he was presenting me as just another a.a. lady.

 

And at this point to me its irrelevant whether he had other affairs or not, since he's not having one with me:)

 

Still, I don't think he did ever have a long term affair. He used to tell me the best kind of infidelity was "two ships that pass in the night". I also surmised from his, um, sexual moves that he was kind of inexperienced in that regard. Very vanilla. Very traditional. I taught him a few things.

 

And the friend in his phone - she actually phoned him right in front of her and he did not know how to erase the number. He did since learn that. It doesn't surprise me she confronted her because she does strike me as a woman to be reckoned with.

 

But as I said before, he's her problem now!

[solostand]

Also, I would like to thank everyone here on LS for making me see this affair for what it really was!

 

I mean, this man actually told me he was thinking of ways to kill his wife! Who tells their affair partner that?

 

Before LS only one person knew, my cousin and friend and fellow a.a. member. She was ALL FOR IT! She saw him as a very kind, charming man and she truly believed he was in love with me. She used to say "he's such a gentleman". She couldn't obviously tell the difference between looks of love and looks of lust, lol. I would tell her everything and she saw it all as proof of his love for me! She used to say alls fair in love and war!

 

Now that I've had objective thoughts, I can actually see it for what it was. A predator and his prey.

 

Not that I wasn't guilty, I was very guilty. I got off on it. I fell into the sickness. He also couldn't understand why such an attractive woman would be interested in him and I got off on that too! He used to ask "why did you pick ME out of the crowd?" I felt like I was giving him a gift! Well, if I wasn't so broken I would have taken this attractiveness and selected a suitable, single, age-appropriate partner.

 

Anyway, thank LS for the multiple reality checks.

[Snipercatt]

Now that I've had objective thoughts, I can actually see it for what it was. A predator and his prey.

 

And, there you have it.

 

good news is that you have a sense of naivette that can be refreshing. Bad news? It permits you to become a victim. I know. btdt. If you don't care to be that victim, in the future? It requires honing your BS meter. You are on your way! you're in my thoughts.

 

PS. I love (not) how he shifts responsibility by asking YOU why YOU picked him? That question isn't complimentary to his character, at all!

Edited December 12, 2013 by Snipercatt

[Snipercatt]

The longer I think about the things this man has done, and said, the angrier I am.

 

This guy asks why you picked him out of all the guys you could have. He may have been fishing for you to give him ego-kibbles, but underlying that is the inference that if any good looking woman offers it up, he'll hit it. Really!

 

As to the BW response to you calling while on vacation? That isn't a normal wife's response to a female who calls on her husband's phone. It just isn't. It is the response of a philanderer's wife. Just as seeing a call come in from a ONS isn't suspicious unless this kind of thing was happening regularly.

 

yes, you've decided to move on, but it's important for you to see where you got snookered. You now know him to be a predator, but you have to know this didn't start at age 63, for him, or just because he met you. This is his MO, recognize it when you see it next time, or with others.