Should I tell

[Ruffian1]

The hypocrisy of this thread is astounding.

I guess this old guy’s not ditching the W for you hugh?

From what I gather:

ok my read of the situation was the words of a man who desperately wanted out but could think of no way out

.

Seriously, no way out, he's trapped, in jail, poor him.

He has a million dollar company.

Heavier wife of many years vs. much younger slimmer mistress

Because he's got it too comfortable. House with couch and satellite dish, dinner on the table at 5, a dog he loves, laundry done for him, et cetera. Why give that up when you can have a hot piece on the side too?

That's a no-brainer. But sometimes the OW can actually get him to leave.

your lined jeans suck because they were bought at an old man store!!!!!!!!!

LOL – good one!

Oh and a secret audio recording that just happened to go off at the perfect conversation to use as evidence of the A.

A yearlong affair but she doesn’t want to ruin the M.

Of course you don’t. Remember actions speak louder than words.

This the season for:

Greed, exploitation, adultery and treachery, plans of murder --all those things we all hold near and dear to our hearts.

You will tell her when / if it has an advantage to you.

You do not give a crap about his W.

What is the right thing to do?

BE HONEST about everything that has transpired between you and her H.

Merry Christmas.

[beach]

That is my plan.

 

But I am not to going to make any contact with her at Christmas, unless she calls.

 

And what if he kills her before then?

 

Notifying the authorities now is imperative. It could save a life.

[Sub]

Who hasn't dreamed of killing their boss or someone who bullied them back at school? Have we all become murderers? No. Murderers don't go around and blare that they intend to kill someone.

 

Apples and oranges. This is a much more complicated situation. Plus, no, I haven't thought of ever killing someone, even a bully or my WS's AP. And yes, there are people who talk about killing before actually doing it.

[beach]

Priority would be to stay sober and help others.

 

Doing your step work would allow you to see things more clearly.

 

It might open your eyes and mind to why you've participated with him. And how not to choose that ever again.

 

It may help you to see how to proceed.

 

 

His evidence shows he is not working a program based on principles and changing his actions.

 

He's still very broken and has a ton of work to do.

 

 

As for the bribe money = get rid of it. Keeping his dirty money isn't a good idea. Walk down the street and hand it to someone - anyone!

[jlola]

I really don't think MM will actually kill the wife. But it boggles my mind that he even thought it for a second.

 

We al remember Scott Peterson

 

"The realities of work, marriage and parenthood can leave some feeling trapped. Peterson consoled himself with a series of affairs. He could have left his wife and child, but that would have meant saddling himself with child support and alimony, not fully freeing himself.

 

So instead of getting a divorce, Scott murdered his wife, Laci Peterson, dumping herstill pregnant with their unborn son, Connerin San Francisco Bay."

 

I seems the personality of cheaters is greed. They want it all. They want to give up nothing. Meanwhile the two people they are involved with are manipulated, lied to,charmed,begged,romanced into staying with them.

 

OW will talk about how much Mm will lose if they divorce. Really? Unless OW has no job or career, how much can he really lose? If he earns $100,000 a year and has to give up at the most 40% for child support and whatever, he still has $60,000. If OW earns $30,000 , with combined income, he will not lose much or have to sacrifice alot of financial "privileges".

 

As for not seeing the kids, really? Most all the divorced men I know with children seem to spend more "quality" time with the children AFTER the divorce than before. They usually share custody and spend time with the children every weekend.

 

Again, cheaters want it all and cry about "poor me", when the thought of giving part of their loot is suggested! Meanwhile, none are thinking about BS and what they will lose. They want BS to have nothing if they were ones to decide!!!

[Fluttershy]

Omg I'm SURE he didn't threaten to kill her rather than fantasizing that only with killing her his problems would be solved. I think some people are too sensitive. Who hasn't dreamed of killing their boss or someone who bullied them back at school? Have we all become murderers? No. Murderers don't go around and blare that they intend to kill someone. I still think that Solo wants to just ruin his marriage even more, I've asked twice and she doesn't answer. Maybe she doesn't like the ugly truth...

 

I can say with 100% honesty I have never fantasized murder. Or even someone dying an accidental death. And this situation is far different than most as he was talking about his wife to his OW. His Wife eas what stood between him and er death would be... Conveniant. Shudders*. People who aren't a touch deranged that that is a line you just don't cross. Tellin someone you wish you could kill someone else and stage it as an accident....

 

I think Solo should tell. Terrible timing that it has taken her this long to decide and it i christmas. People always use "she might not believe me" as an excuse nt to tell, but who gives a sht? Once Solo gives her the truth it is out of her hands and none of her business is BW believes or not. That is a weak reason to deny this woman honesty.

[Iguanna]

His wife is 67 years old, she may already be a grandmother, she KNOWS that her husband has had affairs in the years of their marriage, I can bet that she does cause above all this man is careless and doesn't care if he gets caught. She knows but chooses to stay with him for reasons she only knows, some of which can be that she loves him, she thinks she's too old to start her life over, she doesn't want to ruin her image to the society etc etc.

[KathyM]

You really don't know if the BS knows her husband cheats on her. She very well might not. You can't assume that she knows. I suggest you tell her the truth. It could save her life. How would you feel if this WS offed his wife in order to be free to pursue a relationship with you, and you knew he was talking about doing this, and you said nothing? You could be saving her life by telling her. Selfish men who lack empathy are certainly capable of murder. Scott Peterson would be a prime example.

[whichwayisup]

His wife is 67 years old, she may already be a grandmother, she KNOWS that her husband has had affairs in the years of their marriage, I can bet that she does cause above all this man is careless and doesn't care if he gets caught. She knows but chooses to stay with him for reasons she only knows, some of which can be that she loves him, she thinks she's too old to start her life over, she doesn't want to ruin her image to the society etc etc.

 

Do you (general you) know how hard it is for a 67 year old woman to start over again? she's been with her H for 30+ years, a whole life. I can understand why she pretends she doesn't know, many of you may totally think she's a wimp for staying, but honestly, this is her decision, her life. Though I doubt it has much to do with her imagine in society, probably more that she doesn't want to be alone heading into her 70's soon enough and having an H who has had a few rough bouts of health issues, she knows how important it is to have support and family around.

[beach]

Do you (general you) know how hard it is for a 67 year old woman to start over again? she's been with her H for 30+ years, a whole life. I can understand why she pretends she doesn't know, many of you may totally think she's a wimp for staying, but honestly, this is her decision, her life. Though I doubt it has much to do with her imagine in society, probably more that she doesn't want to be alone heading into her 70's soon enough and having an H who has had a few rough bouts of health issues, she knows how important it is to have support and family around.

 

Ya - or she could go forward to live the rest of her life without a cheater by her side...one who is plotting to kill her, at that!

 

Her life may actually get BETTER without him in it!

 

She may be a stronger woman than anyone figures...she may go on to have a few fabulous years without the weight of a complete jerk dragging her down!

 

She deserves to understand the truth so she can make that decision for herself. Holiday or not - the time to tell is now.

[Fluttershy]

Let's talk about this lady. My MIL is only a few years younger. Eveb though she is fairly heavy and has a few minir health issues she is actually quite healthy and active. She works full time and is widowed. Her one son does live in the basement but his presence sometimes is really all he provides as he works all the time. She travels with friends and to go see her other children. She is the sweetest lady in the world. And despite the sad loss of her husband seven years ago is enjoying life. Actually, in some ways she has a freedom she hasn't had since her early twenties. And so she is making the best of her life. She isn't over the hill and I'd never think of her as an old lady which seems to be what some posters are suggesting of this woman. If MIL was this woman I know I would want her to know the truth.

 

Another "aged" widowed friend I know is in her late 70s. Lives alone, in the country, has horses and travels to mexico every year. She also works a night shift.

 

My great aunt is also in her late 70s and recently suffered from severe health issues that forced her to sell her farm and move into her own trailer on her daughter's property. Up until she filled her life with her hobbies and other things. She wasn't someone who I consider old.

 

Another great aunt is 94 and lives with her sister who is still a spring chicken at 88. They do not live in a seniors home and cook and clean for themselves. Though the 94 year old had to give up cheating. When the older sister was in her 40s she left her man because he was cheating on her. She has had almost 40 full years without him. Yes she was younger but she never had anothe relationship after that but did have a wonderful life. This woman could have 30 years without this man.

 

I could go on and on and point out more healthy over 60 under 90 people who have lived on

 

I'm sorry but you can think OP is better to keep it to herself. But it is an assumption to say that she already knows. And it is wrong to think she is too old to have a new and better life.

 

She isn't that old.

 

Besides, i she does know who he is and does want his creepy company with her until she or he dies... OP telling her the truth isn't going to change her mind.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Do you (general you) know how hard it is for a 67 year old woman to start over again? she's been with her H for 30+ years, a whole life. I can understand why she pretends she doesn't know, many of you may totally think she's a wimp for staying, but honestly, this is her decision, her life. Though I doubt it has much to do with her imagine in society, probably more that she doesn't want to be alone heading into her 70's soon enough and having an H who has had a few rough bouts of health issues, she knows how important it is to have support and family around.

 

Being alone at that stage of ones life and later is a REALITY that all of us face. Actually, one starts to think more about...what they need to do WHEN (not if) their spouse is no longer there. She is probably much more mentally prepared than a spouse in their 30's. She will have many friends that are single/widowed, that have time on their hands...and be a great well of knowledge, assistance and guidance. They will be available and more than eager to lend an ear/shoulder/glass of wine.

 

FYI....it is harder to detect deception in those closest to us. We filter through a different lens. It is a lens based on all the times the other party was truthful, so our minds do not grab the nonsense as easily as one does with someone not as close. Most do not use a critical/judgement mind when dealing with our closest relations. We accept what they say. We have moved on from "prove to me with actions" to "I accept you at your word".

 

I have no idea what this BS knows or doesn't know. However, to simply say...because she has been married 30+ years to him..she MUST know when he is lying..is a stretch. Because.... of how long they have been married...she is less likely to "just know".

 

That is not to say, that there aren't marriages that have certain arrangements ..and the other party is aware and accepts the situation for their own reasons.

[tellitlikeitis]

What is your role here? Concerned friend..or a woman helping a man cheat on his woman?

[findingnemo]

I've read this thread and I see some serious issues.

 

1. MM is 64 years old, has some money, is comfortable in his M when it comes to all things but sexual attraction to his W and has even considered offing her so that he can be free. He seems to believe he has the right to have an A and in a way blames his W for it. He also blames you because he wonders why on earth you would choose him. Finally he has some major self-esteem issues stemming from abandonment as a child.

 

2. The BW is 67 years old, manages their family business, seems to be a no-nonsense type person and is actively trying to learn more about you. Chances are this could be the last straw for her.

 

3. You have realized what MM is really like and want out of the A. You've ignored his calls and he unexpectedly stopped by your house to "check" on you. Then he sent you $200.00 CASH for Christmas.

 

I could swear that I've seen descriptions of men like that on the Crime Channel. It all seems like a joke at first when a man with a bit of money has a strong-willed W but would rather be seeing someone else...starts to talk murder. Nobody takes him seriously. At least not until there has been a murder in the household.

 

My first reaction was that you should tell the truth. In fact I would have advised that you don't wait for her to call you. Instead of spending months waiting for her call, call her. But a man who would tell you that he wishes his W were dead is a dangerous one. As much as he has issues with her, she is obviously very important in his life. She probably handles a lot of stuff such as the company finances etc and he depends on her. He doesn't depend on you. You are a source of what? Fun, good sex and companionship. You are a sweet woman he would love to spend more time with. But if you threaten his comfortable life by arming his W with evidence she could use to get a D, I wonder what he would do.

 

So here's my advice: send him an email telling him you want nothing to do with him ever again. Tell him that if his W calls you, you will not lie to her. Inform him that you have done X with the cash he sent preferably donating it to a charity. Assure him that should he attempt to contact you, you will find a way to put an end to the R by contacting his W.

 

If he persists, if he reacts angrily, I advise you to seek out a friendly and discreet police officer and tell him your story. The important bit here is the thoughts of murder. I bet the MM will leave you alone but if he doesn't, at least you will have one policeman or woman willing to believe you. And if, God forbid, MM's W should meet an untimely demise in the future, you will have alerted someone so that the police have some background. I doubt that if he intends to kill her, you can stop him. You can't know for sure what he was thinking when he said what he said. But many murder mysteries begin like that. A spouse starts goofing off about the death or disappearance of their partner and the people he tells laugh it off because it is too weird to contemplate. You need this guy out of your life for good, Solo.

[Iguanna]

Do you (general you) know how hard it is for a 67 year old woman to start over again? she's been with her H for 30+ years, a whole life. I can understand why she pretends she doesn't know, many of you may totally think she's a wimp for staying, but honestly, this is her decision, her life. Though I doubt it has much to do with her imagine in society, probably more that she doesn't want to be alone heading into her 70's soon enough and having an H who has had a few rough bouts of health issues, she knows how important it is to have support and family around.

 

I totally agree with you! I never accused this woman for pretending she doesn't know, on the contrary I justified her! Other than that we have no actual idea about how her husband (the OM) treats his wife. Some men want to brag to their friends that they are too macho and don't care for the wives and in fact they adore them and can't live without them and treat them really good. Solo says that he has even fantasized of killing her... I think that's BS. I bet that when he gets home he's really sweet and caring with his wife. After all she is the mother of his kids. In my opinion Solo has to get a real life away from this old man, she has to do some serious IC and try to fix her life instead of obsessing what this old man and his wife are doing. But she won't do this. She'll go on exposing things to this old lady (who we don't know if she has serious health problems or not) until she will destroy this woman's marriage. Solo has serious issues understanding how her actions have an impact on other people (I have written this to her in another thread but she chose not to answer).

 

My opinion would be, we should stop blindly suggesting to all other men and women to expose the affair to the married people's spouses. Not all cases are the same and "the right to know" does not give us the right to play with their lives.

 

I insist that this woman knows and chooses not to divorce him and we won't ever know the reasons. I agree with her and justify her. She has lived with him for 30 - 40 years, she has kids with him, all relatives and friends know them as a couple, she has gone through **** with him, why would she leave him now when it's the time she needs him the most?

[whichwayisup]

I totally agree with you! I never accused this woman for pretending she doesn't know, on the contrary I justified her

 

Oh sorry I didn't mean to make it seem like you were. Actually I forgot to put in my post "and I'll add this to the above post". Sorry about that! (I've got the flu and mind is mushy)..

 

Do have to say, comparing someone being on their own due to the death of their spouse is NOT the same as divorcing and then being alone after infidelity.

[Iguanna]

Oh sorry I didn't mean to make it seem like you were. Actually I forgot to put in my post "and I'll add this to the above post". Sorry about that! (I've got the flu and mind is mushy)..

 

It's ok, I hope you get better soon

[Snipercatt]

I insist that this woman knows and chooses not to divorce him

 

You can insist, but the fact of the matter is that you do not know that.

[experiencethedevine]

Being alone at that stage of ones life and later is a REALITY that all of us face. Actually, one starts to think more about...what they need to do WHEN (not if) their spouse is no longer there. She is probably much more mentally prepared than a spouse in their 30's. She will have many friends that are single/widowed, that have time on their hands...and be a great well of knowledge, assistance and guidance. They will be available and more than eager to lend an ear/shoulder/glass of wine.

 

FYI....it is harder to detect deception in those closest to us. We filter through a different lens. It is a lens based on all the times the other party was truthful, so our minds do not grab the nonsense as easily as one does with someone not as close. Most do not use a critical/judgement mind when dealing with our closest relations. We accept what they say. We have moved on from "prove to me with actions" to "I accept you at your word".

 

I have no idea what this BS knows or doesn't know. However, to simply say...because she has been married 30+ years to him..she MUST know when he is lying..is a stretch. Because.... of how long they have been married...she is less likely to "just know".

 

That is not to say, that there aren't marriages that have certain arrangements ..and the other party is aware and accepts the situation for their own reasons.

 

 

I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I didn't 'know' he had been having an affair for four of those..........

 

 

I trusted him implicitly and felt no need to question his loyalty until alarm bells started ringing and intuition took over............

 

 

I'm 54 by the way!!

[Iguanna]

I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I didn't 'know' he had been having an affair for four of those..........

 

 

I trusted him implicitly and felt no need to question his loyalty until alarm bells started ringing and intuition took over............

 

 

I'm 54 by the way!!

 

What did you do?

[Fluttershy]

No widowing and infidelity are not the same. But these are strong women who would have had the maturity to pull their socks up and move on how they chose.

 

I just find it rediculous the people who are using her age as a factor. And as much as you assume she is old and infirmed and in the know about her husband she could also be young and healthy and only suspiceous but with a master manipulator. This woman isn't on deaths door. She brought him ice cream and visited him in the hospital and she took his keys from him...

 

For those so against honesty what if Solo simply contacted her directly by phone and told her who she was and asked her i she would like to meet. Then the ball is in this woman's court. I am not a fan of it because I have seen master manipulators control people who on their own are usually quite strong. But it will still be taking a step towards her.

 

Also, her knowing would help keep him out of her life.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The divorce rate overall has been going down, however divorce among 50+ actually increased 50%, with women initiating more often.

 

As a woman, it bothers me that younger women look at their older counterparts as being less than, weaker, frail, fragile. Those older women, are the women that tackled the corporate world, demanded equal pay,right to choose, equal rights, maternity leave, stood against harassment in the work force, went against the traditions that they were raised in...and raised a generation of strong women to expect the same.

 

Do not...ever....under estimate the courage and strength of any woman.

[beach]

You there solo? What's your plan?

[experiencethedevine]

What did you do?

 

 

 

What did I do? At dday I simply offered him a choice. His other woman, or his wife.

 

 

He chose his wife.

[Iguanna]

What did I do? At dday I simply offered him a choice. His other woman, or his wife.

 

 

He chose his wife.

 

Have you forgiven him?