I need your suggestions, please.

[RenegadeRoe]

Hello everyone!

 

I found this site be searching on the WWW for resources on domestic abuse….I would like to tell my story, and I would like a lot of input and suggestions. Everything I type here is pertinent to my decision and the outcome, so please, read carefully.

 

I sit here tonight at my computer typing with one hand. Yesterday, I fell; one could say I was catching myself, because I was thrown. I broke the end of the large bone in right my arm, right were the arm connects to the wrist. The doctor compared the break to taking both ends of a ripe banana and smashing them together.

 

Eight years ago, after leaving a messy relationship, with a daughter, I met the man I am with now. Everything was perfect. We got married, we had a daughter together. But during that time, he became neglectful as a husband. He was constantly lying to me and was kicked out of the military for drug use. I wanted to leave him then.

 

Coming from a religious family that strongly discourages divorce, I stayed and conceived another child. Things were quite rocky from then on. I continued to find evidence of his lies, and it broke my heart. Why couldn’t the man I love want the same things for his family that I wanted? I never asked for much.

 

Eventually, it got to the point where he wasn’t paying the bills, he hid the mail key from me, and made sure that I never had access to his cell phone….The few times that I did, these people would call and hang up when I answered. After a confrontation with him, involving my parents, I moved into my parent’s home with my three small children. A couple weeks later, I discovered that I was pregnant yet again.

 

My parents and I could only hold on for so long. My children and I were cramping them in while I was given a mere 300 dollars a month from my husband to support the children and me, while he lived with roommate. Obviously, something had to change. And it did, I found a house and the children, my husband and I moved in on the pretense that my husband had changed.

 

Soon after, I started finding ounces of pot in his pants, and if I used his car, I found evidence of it there as well. Our third child was born, while he was overcharging our account, one which I had to open in my name because he had abused his personal accounts so badly that no bank would service him.

 

In the mean time, while I stayed home with four children, he was working full time and attending school to get his degree. I thought this was good until I discovered that the times that he said that he was in class; he was really just hanging out with friends. The remedy for that begun a stint with a legitimate college on-line. This kept him home more, but led to much emotional abuse.

 

So to make this story short, I will zoom ahead to the point where I made counseling an ultimatum. He wouldn’t comply, so I took all of his things, put them in a pile and asked him to leave. At first, there was total exhilaration…A feeling of freedom, where I knew that I wouldn’t have to deal with the drugs, porn on the computer, his nasty temper, lies or his demands for sex.

 

But then the loneliness set in, and the realization that I would have to start over from scratch. I found that he had filed for divorce and he had the police let him into the house, not to see his children, but to retrieve his large TV and entertainment system. It was tough, but I drew my strength off of my religious beliefs to pull me through. I got assistance for childcare, food, a job and a restraining order against my husband. I thought that things could only get better.

 

NOT! My parents repossessed the car that I had been making monthly payments on (to this day, I still don’t know why), the gentleman that I was leasing from decided to sell the house and my husband used his attorney to fight the system on child support. I was stuck.

 

I decided to let my husbands three children live with him so that my eldest daughter and I could get on our feet, but it turned into a permanent legal situation where my husband had sole custody of the children. I decided that I could bare this, as long as my children were happy.

 

Soon, the restraining order was lifted, and my now x-husband and I started communicating again. Needless to say, barely six months from our separation, he wanted me back again. This was good. A way for me to be with my children every day, while the man I love attends counseling for his behavior. He even promised me that couple counseling that I had originally kicked him out of the house over.

 

So, here I am, seven months after moving back in with him. I am typing with my one wrong hand, not able to cook dinner or tie my children’s shoes. The doctors say that I have a 99% chance to play the piano again…………….

 

I know that I can go to a shelter, but legally, I have to leave my three youngest children behind. And because I am their primary caregiver, that means I cannot leave while he is away. I screwed myself, because I told the nurses at the hospital that I had fallen down the stairs. And the sad part is, I promised that I wouldn’t say what really happened, as long as he would drive me to the hospital.

 

I am scared, and I need help. I was at the point where I had a job interview lined up for me…today, but I am useless now, typing with one hand. My two middle children saw their father throw me, but children can say many things and I didn’t notify authorities. I have no one to turn to, so I thought that maybe one or all of you would be able to help. I don’t want to become a statistic.

 

Thank you,

 

RenegadeRoe

[moimeme]

Call your local domestic violence centre. You won't have to tell them your name, but they are best able to suggest what you should do because they know all the services in your area. You can't stay. You or the children could become statistics. He shouldn't have custody either if he's violent. If you'd press charges, that would go a long way to keeping them away from him and safe. But first things first. Call the local line ASAP.

[RenegadeRoe]

Originally posted by moimeme

Call your local domestic violence centre. You won't have to tell them your name, but they are best able to suggest what you should do because they know all the services in your area. You can't stay. You or the children could become statistics. He shouldn't have custody either if he's violent. If you'd press charges, that would go a long way to keeping them away from him and safe. But first things first. Call the local line ASAP.

I will follow your advice, but I can't use the phone until he is either at work on monday, or out before then, could you give me a number in my area?

[indigo_moon]

Not a good idea for you to post specifically where you live.....but if you could post what State or Province you're in, we could at least give several for you to choose from, so you can find the closest one to you.

 

I went to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.................they have a TOLL FREE (won't show up on your phone bill) # you can call anytime: 1-800-799-7233

 

Their website is: http://www.ndvh.org (just click on this to get there)

 

They have a page that lists various shelters by "State" (assuming you're in the U.S.).......it surely doesn't give all of them but a lot......but it seems most of the #'s aren't "toll free" so might be long distance for you and would therefore show up on your phone bill (unless they allow you to call collect).

 

Is there any chance he could check where you've been (here) on the computer? If so, make sure you clear your temporary internet files, history.........Write down the toll # number above and keep it on you, keep it somewhere safe.

 

TO ADD: so he's there all the time I take it.....something you could do would be to ask him to take you back to the doctor/hospital, regarding your arm....say it's really hurting and something doesn't feel right....tell him it feels numb or a bad sharp pain........then whenyou get to the hospital or doctor's office, tell the nurse or doctor what really happened.....tell them you don't know what to do because you don't want to lose your children.........of course once you admit this, they are then obligated to contact the authorities I would think..............I guess this is something you could do if you don't feelyou can make it until Monday when he's gone to work................but calling the # above, the Hotline, they will be able to answer any questions you might have.............on whether you an take your children because you're afraid for their safety in light of what he's done to you..........ask them about Legal Aid.....you need to talk to a lawyer .....you would qualify for Legal Aid, as you're not working.............tell them your whole situation and that you know you have to leave but you have no money, no job...and 4 children that he previously got custody of which is why you went back. Tell them everything..........it will NOT be news to them, they will be able to best advise you on the smartest things to do and how to get out of there the safest way.

[RenegadeRoe]

He will try, though, because i can't write, I will turn off this computer. Thank you for all of your help. I thank you again and will keep you and this site updated.

[LeggzDiamond]

Renegade

 

if you are worried about the computer aspect just go to the TOOLS section on the word menu and choose Internet options. Pick Delete cookies and delete files. It won't harm the use of the computer and he won't know. Remember to delete the history as well.

 

But on the abuse front. I am a daughter of and abused woman. And an abuse victim myself. You have daughters and what they see will affect them. As hard as it may be I would go to a shelter and call child services. Because you took the initiative it will be a short term option for your kids to go into foster care while the state prosecutes your husband.

 

Whatever you do. Remember that the state will stay on his side if they don't know whats happening to you. It will be hard on you and your kids but counseling will help.

 

Now that all of that is over in MY family, I have a new best friend.... my mom.