Having trouble, unreasonable standards?

[melell]

This may sound horrible..

 

My ex (together 8 years, I'm 26) was really smart, smarter than I am, and I have a masters degree. There is something I really admire about clever people- especially when they are clever all round.

He was good at everything, from building furniture, to maths, to art, to writing. I always looked up to him because I was only really good at what I am trained in. Any problem I had I could go to him and he would offer an alternative I hadn't even considered, any job that needed doing he could do it with ease.

 

It sucks, because on the whole he was kind of terrible, and my romantic feelings towards him were killed. Enough that when he came back I didn't want him.

 

So he was good looking and intelligent, but these positive things were nothing compared to the negative things (he became an addict)- I know I have said a lot of positive things about him, enough time has passed for me to view him objectively.

 

My problem is that I feel like this has created unreasonable standards... and I am really struggling to warm to anyone who isn't like my ex in these respects.. I know I would be much happier with someone who wasn't the best looking, or the smartest, as long as they were a decent, reasonably balanced person. But my brain just seems to be on 'auto' rejecting people that don't measure up to my ex in the looks and smarts area.

 

Any thoughts on how I can get around this? I know that once you love someone these things aren't a big deal, at least not for me. I don't want to throw away getting to know what could be an amazing person because of expectations. My rational self thinks this is superficial, and unreasonable- but I can't seem to break it.

Edited November 27, 2013 by melell

[theothersully]

I wouldn't compromise your standards until it seems truly hopeless.

 

You sound as confused as me. You have an ideal. You had someone with most of everything you were looking for, so now you are looking for that "most of everything" wrapped into someone who is also nice.

 

Same here.

 

I am hoping to find it. I hope you do too.

 

Just keep meeting people until it comes along... i think???

[d0nnivain]

You don't have unreasonable standards. You just like really smart people. Your profile says you live in NYC. Fortunately, there are a lot of really smart people in the Northeast.

[melell]

It is seriously confusing. I really don't feel good about rejecting people based on those things.

 

I met a guy recently who was wonderful, incredibly nice, polite, and very handsome. But I just couldn't entertain the idea because he wasn't very intelligent. He did absolutely nothing wrong. I still feel horrible about turning him down. I genuinely liked this guy as a person. Sigh.

[melell]

You don't have unreasonable standards. You just like really smart people. Your profile says you live in NYC. Fortunately, there are a lot of really smart people in the Northeast.

 

Most everyone I have met here that has been really smart has the conceitedness to match. I find that more of a turn off than the attraction to smarts. I really don't want to be a person who has a list of expectations that need to be met- but it is starting to get that way

[d0nnivain]

I like smart people too. Actually I prefer clever people. . . . just b/c you are a brain but have no social skills doesn't excite me either.

 

Great sex & good looks are wonderful but when you are older the person who can engage the biggest sex organ you have --- your brain -- is the much better deal.

 

You don't have to get hung up on the pedigree. A lot of of the men I dated had the same fancy degree I did. Some had even more education. La La La. When we married, DH had yet to graduate from college. In fact the night we met he told me about a class he was excited to take that fall; I freaked (not that anyone else would have known) because I was teaching that subject & was terrified that he was going to be one of my students. Thank goodness he was enrolled in a different college from where I was an adjunct.

 

Really it's OK to want smart. Wanting someone who you can talk to is vastly different than having a laundry list: must be this height, this hair color, etc.

[InnocentMan]

You're not ready yet. Get a cat.

[melell]

You're not ready yet. Get a cat.

 

I have a cat. And what do you mean I am not ready yet? To move on? I could be with my ex right now if I wanted, I no longer have feelings for him. I've been ready for awhile.

 

I am being cautious.

[InnocentMan]

You can be over someone, and still not be ready to be with someone else. Going on the info you provided, you don't seem ready to me. When you're ready, you might not compare everyone to your ex, and judge them accordingly.

 

The "get a cat" wasn't intended as a jibe. Cats are awesome.

[melell]

You can be over someone, and still not be ready to be with someone else. Going on the info you provided, you don't seem ready to me. When you're ready, you might not compare everyone to your ex, and judge them accordingly.

 

The "get a cat" wasn't intended as a jibe. Cats are awesome.

 

I knew it would be perceived that way- because I was mentioning attributes my ex had. Those were things that I wanted prior to meeting my ex. I looked for those things in him.

 

Actually the boyfriend I had before that was initially the really smart one (albeit 9 years ago when I was 17), it was him that made me realize how attracted I am to smarts.

[Grumpybutfun]

Intellect, values and good looks can come in the same package along with cleverness, wit and especially kindness...Mrs. Grumps got that package and she said it was a long time coming. Just be patient!

Modesty? Yep, that was lacking!

Grumps

[Salvatore85]

You're not being unreasonable, you're still in love with your ex. You may not want him back but you're still comparing everyone to him and they just don't measure up. I know this because I do the same thing. I guess the reality is you and I both need to expand our horizons. We can't keep shutting people down because they don't share the same qualities we loved so much about our exes.

[melell]

You're not being unreasonable, you're still in love with your ex. You may not want him back but you're still comparing everyone to him and they just don't measure up. I know this because I do the same thing. I guess the reality is you and I both need to expand our horizons. We can't keep shutting people down because they don't share the same qualities we loved so much about our exes.

 

I am sorry about what you are going through, but that isn't the case for me.

I am the type of person that if I am in love with someone I will be with them. I could be with my ex right now if I wanted, but I'm not because I don't love him, and don't feel those things for him anymore.

 

It is less a case of 'I don't want him back', and more a case of 'I don't love him'.

 

Is it not possible to acknowledge a persons good traits without being in love with them? ffs.

 

I am saying I am attracted to intellect, and even more so because I have been with someone really intelligent (my ex), so I know that is what I like. I am not comparing them to my ex, I am comparing them to what I think is smart.

 

It really eerks me because I had no trouble admitting otherwise in the past.

[elbe]

I wouldn't blame your ex since he doesn't sound so hot to me.. but I totally relate. I am also 26 and recently out of a relationship and can't seem to get it in gear for a new one. I have very few prospects for women because each one I meet has something wrong with them! Not smart enough.. says something dumb.. has bad teeth.. has a stupid haircut.

 

Realistically, these things are all very trivial. You aren't interviewing adult models nor interviewing to hire a nuclear physicist. Sometimes that really sweet attraction grows after you give someone a chance that you didn't really have love at first sight with. You get to know them and things start to make more sense to you...

 

Guys like that are hard to pull out of the wood works. For example, I stay anxious for a long time until I get close to someone before my best side comes out. This makes for AWFUL dating .

[Salvatore85]

I am sorry about what you are going through, but that isn't the case for me.

I am the type of person that if I am in love with someone I will be with them. I could be with my ex right now if I wanted, but I'm not because I don't love him, and don't feel those things for him anymore.

 

It is less a case of 'I don't want him back', and more a case of 'I don't love him'.

 

Is it not possible to acknowledge a persons good traits without being in love with them? ffs.

 

I am saying I am attracted to intellect, and even more so because I have been with someone really intelligent (my ex), so I know that is what I like. I am not comparing them to my ex, I am comparing them to what I think is smart.

 

It really eerks me because I had no trouble admitting otherwise in the past.

 

I apologize for wrongly accusing you of still loving your ex, just sort of the vibe I got from your post. And of course it's completely plausible to acknowledge ones good traits without being in love with them, again it just seemed that way to me.

[Sadguy33]

I've been having the same trouble you have. More so physical wise, since my ex-gf wasn't the smartest tool in the shed (she is insane). But the fact that everyone wanted her and I had her was enough to keep me hooked. It really sucks, I am 26 and dated her 5 years. She was horrible to me though and always craved attention. Its hard though, it is a constant comparison. But hey at least your not in NJ where everyone is an idiot