Being a bachelor/bachelorette (for life?)

[Teknoe]

Wondering how many of us here are currently single, have been single for some time, and don't mind being single for the forseeable future?

 

I'm not saying obsess about being single, but I'm asking who could be FINE if they were told they'll be single for the rest of their life?

 

I'm at a funky stage in my life. In my late 20s I was pining after women, I had a ton of crushes, one after another that went nowhere ultimately. Then when I hit 30 this year, I just had the realization that I'm a bit different from most other people. I don't have a large social circle, I don't drink, I don't travel, honestly I don't really like big crowds or parties... I've become a go to work go home and crash kind of guy. I have my entertainment at home, and I'm pretty content being an introverted homebody, which is moreso my personality than the extrovert I once was a couple years ago, when I was younger and had more high hopes for landing a partner.

 

I'm not saying I'm destined to be a bachelor for life, although if I don't find better balance soon maybe I am headed that way, who knows, but what I'm saying is I've made peace with who I am currently and if I never have the traditional get married, pop out a few kids become a family man ordeal, that I honestly would be OK. Being single works perfectly with going along at your own pace and having to answer to no one, make no compromises.

 

My ultimate hope though is that I'm still young at 30. I'd like to eventually find the right partner, but maybe around 32 or 33. Right now, I like my PAQ (peace and quiet), and am recovering from some failed crush episodes where I confessed and was shot down. I feel like instead of chasing yet another crush, I just need some down time.

 

Anyway, just rambling and seeing if anyone else can relate.

[Grumpybutfun]

Teknoe:

You have some brilliant insight to healing. Give yourself time and don't be in any hurry. I don't know and you don't know if you will be a bachelor for life, but there are worse fates. I have a buddy who is 46 and he is a confirmed bachelor, not because of lack of female attention, but because he is set in his ways and likes living in his own house with his schedule wide open. I do not know many men who are happier.

I also know another guy (more of an acquaintance) who married for the first time at 41 and he found someone perfect for him and his lifestyle. They just had their first child and he is 43. I just don't think people are in a rush anymore to settle down until they find exactly the right fit, if they decide to commit at all, that is.

I think it is important to do what you really desire rather than what you think you should do.

Best,

Grumps

[Teknoe]

Teknoe:

You have some brilliant insight to healing. Give yourself time and don't be in any hurry. I don't know and you don't know if you will be a bachelor for life, but there are worse fates. I have a buddy who is 46 and he is a confirmed bachelor, not because of lack of female attention, but because he is set in his ways and likes living in his own house with his schedule wide open. I do not know many men who are happier.

I also know another guy (more of an acquaintance) who married for the first time at 41 and he found someone perfect for him and his lifestyle. They just had their first child and he is 43. I just don't think people are in a rush anymore to settle down until they find exactly the right fit, if they decide to commit at all, that is.

I think it is important to do what you really desire rather than what you think you should do.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

AMEN! Thanks Grumps. I know my post will split people into different camps, haha. It's nice to hear something positive though, as I feel society pressures young adults so much to settle down, get married, have kids, buy a house and do the whole family man thing. While I believe in that, I just haven't had the same kind of luck/life as my peers have. I realize I am just... different. I don't have any learning disabilities or anything... I just like being alone in this stage of my life.

 

I am even contemplating freezing my FB. I haven't logged on in 4 months now because doing so depresses me. It's just people posting family pics, outings with friends, restaurants they've dined at, massive gatherings, BBQs, new GF, new wife, new kids, etc. etc.

 

I just am not like that/them. Oh well.

[The Shepherd]

I think I will be alright even if I am single for the rest of my life. I am always worried more about finding the work that I like and making money out of it and seeing my immediate family more, more than anything else.

 

As far as women are concerned, there will always be strippers and escorts. Any attempt at any other relationship other than a commercial relationship with women I think is too much of a headache.

[Teknoe]

OP, let me ask you something. Do you actually WANT to be a bachelor? Or is it just that you can't get the girls that you want?

 

Any advice that I would give would depend on your answers to these questions.

 

Great question, Honey. RIGHT NOW, I want to be free/single for maybe 6-12 months. I wanna just forget about girls because the last several didn't work out and it has sapped me of my optimism and hope. So it's a combo. I wanna be single for NOW, unless the right girl comes along and knocks my socks off. I am definitely not actively looking right now, that's for sure.

 

However, do I want to be a bachelor for life? No.

Could I do it though if that's what it turns out to be? Yes.

 

However, I prefer to find a compatible match in the near future. After I enjoy this period of being single AND appreciating it for such. Before, I was single but antsy for a GF. Now I'm single and enjoying it, lol.

 

If my last crush said yes I like you too, I would be in a relationship right now. But she let me down gently, and then our friendship went down the toilet shortly thereafter. Now she's found a guy interest and has not talked to me since. I feel like at this point, why bother (for now). I might as well enjoy being single for a season or two before trying again in the future.

[Teknoe]

Did you get anywhere with that girl? Or did she shoot you down right out of the gate?

 

Went nowhere. I confessed in an email while she was vacationing overseas. She thought it was sweet but said she's not ready to date seriously. Of course, that's just girl talk for "I don't like you that way sorry"

 

Then when she came back to the US, we didn't hang out like we used to. We scheduled a few things, but she cancelled on me last second a few times. It hurt but it is what it is, ya know?

 

I sometimes lament losing her as a friend but in reality she wasn't really a good friend (I initiated a lot of the times) and she certainly wasn't healthy for me. My moods would swing wildly depending on whether she talked with me, or what her texts said, etc. It was too up and down with her. Great highs and defeating lows.

 

Not her fault, I own it. I tried to make our friendship go to the BF-GF stage, but she didn't see me the same way. Nothing I can do. However, that experience taught me to never confess ever again!

[theothersully]

Went nowhere. I confessed in an email while she was vacationing overseas. She thought it was sweet but said she's not ready to date seriously. Of course, that's just girl talk for "I don't like you that way sorry"

 

Then when she came back to the US, we didn't hang out like we used to. We scheduled a few things, but she cancelled on me last second a few times. It hurt but it is what it is, ya know?

 

I sometimes lament losing her as a friend but in reality she wasn't really a good friend (I initiated a lot of the times) and she certainly wasn't healthy for me. My moods would swing wildly depending on whether she talked with me, or what her texts said, etc. It was too up and down with her. Great highs and defeating lows.

 

Not her fault, I own it. I tried to make our friendship go to the BF-GF stage, but she didn't see me the same way. Nothing I can do. However, that experience taught me to never confess ever again!

 

I don't know...

 

You could confess, but just care a little less about the outcome. Rejection? Ok, but no big deal because you didn't have the girl to begin with. Nothing gained, nothing lost.

 

I confessed and got a great dating/fwb out of it. Wouldn't have that if I never confessed.

 

What i'm sating is... what do you have to lose? If you stay emotionally uninvested at the start, it's not so bad.

[Shepp]

I'm not saying obsess about being single, but I'm asking who could be FINE if they were told they'll be single for the rest of their life?

 

I know some guys do it, swear by it!!

Bachelor pad, filled with boys toys, do what you want when you want..

 

I personally couldn't - I wanted, I've always wanted, a relationship, marriage, kids...a family to look after, come home to, a girl to go through life with and kids to teach stuff too As well as all the stress, worry and headaches that go with that!!

[Phoe]

I know some guys do it, swear by it!!

Bachelor pad, filled with boys toys, do what you want when you want..

 

I personally couldn't - I wanted, I've always wanted, a relationship, marriage, kids...a family to look after, come home to, a girl to go through life with and kids to teach stuff too As well as all the stress, worry and headaches that go with that!!

 

I'm one of those that knows I'd be OK if I was always single, I've spent most of my adult life single and have done just fine, I know I can live happily.

 

 

I just don't WANT to be single. I want a relationship. I want all the stuff you mentioned above. But I truly am okay alone. I don't NEED those things. Just very much so want them

[Shepp]

I'm one of those that knows I'd be OK if I was always single, I've spent most of my adult life single and have done just fine, I know I can live happily.

 

I just don't WANT to be single. I want a relationship. I want all the stuff you mentioned above. But I truly am okay alone. I don't NEED those things. Just very much so want them

 

I think that its probably better if you can have that attitude - it'd be nice but I can be happy on my own.

If you can rely totally on yourself for your own happiness (even if you'd like something more) then I think that can only be a good thing!

 

And good things come to those who wait, right?

 

 

Probably a weakness of mine, I don't think I could, I guess its hard to think into the future and say I would do this or I would do that, but I can't see, me being my impatient self, having gone past about 35 without having a stop-being-picky-just-find-a-decent-girl-who-you-get-on-with-marry-her-and-have-kids moment...I think I would be a good husband and I know i'll try with everything i've got to be a good dad and I honestly (hypothetically projecting as well as I can) think I would of, if it had come to it, rightly or wrongly, of settled for a girl I quite liked and who wanted to be with me in order to do the family thing.

[Teknoe]

it's not that you confessed, it's that you didn't heed the significance of her not being a good friend.

 

j

 

 

J, you brought up a REALLY good point.

In the heat of the moment, I was completely blinded, admittedly. I knew she had a ton of red flags, my friends (I do have some friends, lol) told me to avoid her, etc. etc. But I said "Naw yall don't know her like I do." Plus I felt a real kindred connection to her, like no one else in my life at that point in time. When you feel that way toward someone, as though you've known them since junior high, it's a HIGH and inescapable, no matter what your logic and brain tells you otherwise.

 

If I were to be honest, I probably knew it was a long shot and that she would have shut me down. But, for that 5-10% chance she might say YES, I had to confess and spill the beans. it didn't work out, but at least it taught me some lessons.

 

Also, since that episode, I have had another crush, although on a smaller scale, with a coworker. I was texting her a lot and realized... hey, I always initiate. Screw that. I need to be more "mysterious" "less available" and more on the down low instead of out there, emotions on my sleeve, etc.

 

If a girl likes you, it's pretty obvious. My coworker hasn't shown me much in that way, so learning from my previous episode, I'm backing off and minimalizing contact. Definitely no confessions! And since the past couple weeks, my crush on my coworker has diminished, and I never had to confess and be shot down. Also kept work drama-free and all that... tricky business, for sure.

 

With each experience comes an opportunity to learn and grow...

[hotpotato]

Not her fault, I own it. I tried to make our friendship go to the BF-GF stage, but she didn't see me the same way. Nothing I can do. However, that experience taught me to never confess ever again!

I think that type of situation (guy friend moving to something more) is best left for the movies.

 

Personally, I hate it when guy friends make a move. Ive gotten rid of guys really quickly for that.

[Teknoe]

I think that type of situation (guy friend moving to something more) is best left for the movies.

 

Personally, I hate it when guy friends make a move. Ive gotten rid of guys really quickly for that.

 

 

Sad, but true. Few friendships I know sustain post-confession.

I suppose it's just easier to move on completely, and things get too awkward. It is what it is. We all live our own lives.

 

I've accepted it, and will not confess again unless I have unreasonable doubt that she likes me back (i.e. she initiates with me, checks up on me, spends time with me, instead of me doing the heavy lifting)

[elbe]

I love this post but I relate in a disingenuous manner. I think I'll be single for life because I am O.K. with it but not "happy" with it. I really really want a SO but can't seem to make that happen.

[Phoe]

So you seriously have been friends with a guy for years, looked at him as just friends, then he made a move, and you liked that and dated him?

 

Please tell me if that exact situation played out.

 

I know the question wasn't directed at me, but I figured since this has happened to me I'd respond.

 

 

The above situation is exactly how my first 2 boyfriends became my boyfriends.

 

 

It happens. *shrug*

[Lokie]

Teknoe,

 

Your being comfortable alone and enjoying your own company will actually help you be a great partner, when that happens. I love that you are a homebody and know what you like. You are being authentically yourself and not out posing and trying to impress people. These are attractive qualities!

 

The "white picket fence" scenario is becoming less and less popular where I live. I love being part of a community that honors each other as individuals first, whether or not you are married, partnered or have a family. Many people hide behind these titles and never really get to know themselves.

 

I'm older than you are and have had several long term relationships. Personally, I couldn't imagine promising to love only one person for the rest of my life when I was younger, but that's me. I didn't spend much time alone until I was single in my late 30s and recently. The time I have spent alone has been the most rewarding and enlightening of all.

 

Enjoy your journey. I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you romantically, but you sound like a great catch. It will happen for you at the right time.

 

L.

[Shepp]

So you seriously have been friends with a guy for years, looked at him as just friends, then he made a move, and you liked that and dated him?

 

Please tell me if that exact situation played out.

 

*raises hand*

 

I was friends for years with my girlfriend!

[Teknoe]

Teknoe,

 

Your being comfortable alone and enjoying your own company will actually help you be a great partner, when that happens. I love that you are a homebody and know what you like. You are being authentically yourself and not out posing and trying to impress people. These are attractive qualities!

 

The "white picket fence" scenario is becoming less and less popular where I live. I love being part of a community that honors each other as individuals first, whether or not you are married, partnered or have a family. Many people hide behind these titles and never really get to know themselves.

 

I'm older than you are and have had several long term relationships. Personally, I couldn't imagine promising to love only one person for the rest of my life when I was younger, but that's me. I didn't spend much time alone until I was single in my late 30s and recently. The time I have spent alone has been the most rewarding and enlightening of all.

 

Enjoy your journey. I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you romantically, but you sound like a great catch. It will happen for you at the right time.

 

L.

 

Thanks Lokie, that was very uplifting and encouraging

Yeah, I think I'm just in a season of being to myself for a bit.

Hopefully when I come out of it there'll be that special someone on the other end, but if not, hey life goes on regardless.

 

I have to be careful not to get overly "hermit-y" though or cynical that I won't find a suitable partner. There are always extremes of either spectrum and you wanna strike a good balance somewhere in the middle

[hotpotato]

Wondering how many of us here are currently single, have been single for some time, and don't mind being single for the forseeable future?

 

I'm not saying obsess about being single, but I'm asking who could be FINE if they were told they'll be single for the rest of their life?

 

I'm at a funky stage in my life. In my late 20s I was pining after women, I had a ton of crushes, one after another that went nowhere ultimately. Then when I hit 30 this year, I just had the realization that I'm a bit different from most other people. I don't have a large social circle, I don't drink, I don't travel, honestly I don't really like big crowds or parties... I've become a go to work go home and crash kind of guy. I have my entertainment at home, and I'm pretty content being an introverted homebody, which is moreso my personality than the extrovert I once was a couple years ago, when I was younger and had more high hopes for landing a partner.

 

I'm not saying I'm destined to be a bachelor for life, although if I don't find better balance soon maybe I am headed that way, who knows, but what I'm saying is I've made peace with who I am currently and if I never have the traditional get married, pop out a few kids become a family man ordeal, that I honestly would be OK. Being single works perfectly with going along at your own pace and having to answer to no one, make no compromises.

 

My ultimate hope though is that I'm still young at 30. I'd like to eventually find the right partner, but maybe around 32 or 33. Right now, I like my PAQ (peace and quiet), and am recovering from some failed crush episodes where I confessed and was shot down. I feel like instead of chasing yet another crush, I just need some down time.

 

Anyway, just rambling and seeing if anyone else can relate.

 

I feel like I could have written much of what you wrote.

 

Ive been single more often than not. I find it very easy to get set in my ways.

 

I,too, was more enthusiastic when I was younger. I wanted so bad to get married and have kids. Now after reality has set in, I want it less and less.

[hotpotato]

Sad, but true. Few friendships I know sustain post-confession.

I suppose it's just easier to move on completely, and things get too awkward. It is what it is. We all live our own lives.

 

 

Yep. No matter how many times people pull up exceptions, most of the time the friendship will end.

 

I dont really bother with male friends anymore.

 

Much of the time they will have some kind of emotional outburst.

 

Or they get jealous because I am dating someone else or not dating at all.

 

Or they get angry or hurt.

 

I'll pass...

 

I've accepted it, and will not confess again unless I have unreasonable doubt that she likes me back (i.e. she initiates with me, checks up on me, spends time with me, instead of me doing the heavy lifting)

 

Well, if she does that, she may or may not like you. Those could just be friendly gestures. I could easily do all those things with a friend (male or female) and have no sexual interest in them. Heck, even on this site girls will say they spend one on one time with a guy, then act shocked that he wants to date. In his mind, one on one time is a date lol!

 

It's really easy to give someone the wrong impression, which is why i recommend women not keep men around unless they are sexually or romantically interested in that man.

[Valen]

Yes, I plan to be a bachelor for life. No marriage, no kids. I have seen enough to be convince it's not for me. I do prefer to be in a long term relationship. The perfect girl for me will be a girl who wants to explore life as much as me. Want to go on the road and be my traveling partner. And grow old together. But most girls I meet wants the traditional lifestyle: get marry, buy a house, and have kids. That's why I am usually single because I don't believe in wasting other's people time if our goals are not the same.

Edited November 29, 2013 by Valen

[theothersully]

Yes, I plan to be a bachelor for life. No marriage, no kids. I have seen enough to be convince it's not for me. I do prefer to be in a long term relationship. The perfect girl for me will be a girl who wants to explore life as much as me. Want to go on the road and be my traveling partner. And grow old together. But most girls I meet wants the traditional lifestyle: get marry, buy a house, and have kids. That's why I am usually single because I don't believe in wasting other's people time if our goals are not the same.

 

I hope you and I don't live anywhere near each other. It'll be a battle to the death over this girl you are describing... ha ha ha

 

That is +the+ perfect girl.

 

In all seriousness, we should start a thread on where to meet girls like this.

[KathyM]

While some romantic relationships can start as friendships, that's generally not a good plan to try to convert one hoping it will turn into something more, because more often than not, it won't be possible, and your heart will be broken after spending countless months or years hoping for more. Best to be assertive from the start and ask women you are interested in on a date from the start. That way, you come across as confident and you don't waste any time pining after women that may never have a romantic interest. As is often said, dating is a numbers game, and the more contacts you make, the greater chance you'll have to find a dating partner/relationship.

 

If you try the more assertive approach and find you are being turned down quite a bit, then something needs to be adjusted. Unfortunately, although many of us try to help you, we don't know how you come across to women. We don't know what you look like that could be improved upon, and we don't know how you interact with women. I would highly recommend a dating coach, because they are the ones who could help you on this. They can give you the feedback you need to have more success in your approaches. Resigning to be single for life is not the answer that would benefit you. Find out what you need to do and what you need to work on to have more success. I am working right now with a couple of guys on their approach to women, and these men have major issues that need to be worked on. I doubt you have anything seriously interfering with your appeal to women, you just need some help from a professional to get you on the right track. A dating coach is what you need, not more time alone.

[Teknoe]

While some romantic relationships can start as friendships, that's generally not a good plan to try to convert one hoping it will turn into something more, because more often than not, it won't be possible, and your heart will be broken after spending countless months or years hoping for more. Best to be assertive from the start and ask women you are interested in on a date from the start. That way, you come across as confident and you don't waste any time pining after women that may never have a romantic interest. As is often said, dating is a numbers game, and the more contacts you make, the greater chance you'll have to find a dating partner/relationship.

 

If you try the more assertive approach and find you are being turned down quite a bit, then something needs to be adjusted. Unfortunately, although many of us try to help you, we don't know how you come across to women. We don't know what you look like that could be improved upon, and we don't know how you interact with women. I would highly recommend a dating coach, because they are the ones who could help you on this. They can give you the feedback you need to have more success in your approaches. Resigning to be single for life is not the answer that would benefit you. Find out what you need to do and what you need to work on to have more success. I am working right now with a couple of guys on their approach to women, and these men have major issues that need to be worked on. I doubt you have anything seriously interfering with your appeal to women, you just need some help from a professional to get you on the right track. A dating coach is what you need, not more time alone.

 

 

Interesting, Kathy! I never knew you dabbled in "dating coach" er, -ville, lol.

 

Hey, do you by chance live in CA?

[hotpotato]

While some romantic relationships can start as friendships, that's generally not a good plan to try to convert one hoping it will turn into something more, because more often than not, it won't be possible, and your heart will be broken after spending countless months or years hoping for more. Best to be assertive from the start and ask women you are interested in on a date from the start. That way, you come across as confident and you don't waste any time pining after women that may never have a romantic interest. As is often said, dating is a numbers game, and the more contacts you make, the greater chance you'll have to find a dating partner/relationship.

 

If you try the more assertive approach and find you are being turned down quite a bit, then something needs to be adjusted. Unfortunately, although many of us try to help you, we don't know how you come across to women. We don't know what you look like that could be improved upon, and we don't know how you interact with women. I would highly recommend a dating coach, because they are the ones who could help you on this. They can give you the feedback you need to have more success in your approaches. Resigning to be single for life is not the answer that would benefit you. Find out what you need to do and what you need to work on to have more success. I am working right now with a couple of guys on their approach to women, and these men have major issues that need to be worked on. I doubt you have anything seriously interfering with your appeal to women, you just need some help from a professional to get you on the right track. A dating coach is what you need, not more time alone.

 

Excellent post!