Being a bachelor/bachelorette (for life?)

[KathyM]

Interesting, Kathy! I never knew you dabbled in "dating coach" er, -ville, lol.

 

Hey, do you by chance live in CA?

Therapists treat a variety of issues, including relationship issues, social anxiety, fears, and whatever is holding a person back from having the quality of life that they desire. I actually do live in CA, but I would suggest a dating coach, unless you are dealing with a psychological issue such as Aspergers or Social Anxiety Disorder.

[PinkSapphire]

Valen, where do you live and how do I meet you? That is close to exactly what I want, but I keep meeting men who either want to marry me and make me have their children or who want to remain completely single with "fun on the side" (not for me).

 

I so would love a relationship you describe.

[Valen]

Valen, where do you live and how do I meet you? That is close to exactly what I want, but I keep meeting men who either want to marry me and make me have their children or who want to remain completely single with "fun on the side" (not for me).

 

I so would love a relationship you describe.

 

lol I live near Seattle Washington. Think that might be a bit far from you. I do move around every few years. I enjoy living in different places and see what it has to offer. Who knows maybe someday we will cross path.

[MissBee]

Wondering how many of us here are currently single, have been single for some time, and don't mind being single for the forseeable future?

 

I'm not saying obsess about being single, but I'm asking who could be FINE if they were told they'll be single for the rest of their life?

 

I'm at a funky stage in my life. In my late 20s I was pining after women, I had a ton of crushes, one after another that went nowhere ultimately. Then when I hit 30 this year, I just had the realization that I'm a bit different from most other people. I don't have a large social circle, I don't drink, I don't travel, honestly I don't really like big crowds or parties... I've become a go to work go home and crash kind of guy. I have my entertainment at home, and I'm pretty content being an introverted homebody, which is moreso my personality than the extrovert I once was a couple years ago, when I was younger and had more high hopes for landing a partner.

 

I'm not saying I'm destined to be a bachelor for life, although if I don't find better balance soon maybe I am headed that way, who knows, but what I'm saying is I've made peace with who I am currently and if I never have the traditional get married, pop out a few kids become a family man ordeal, that I honestly would be OK. Being single works perfectly with going along at your own pace and having to answer to no one, make no compromises.

 

My ultimate hope though is that I'm still young at 30. I'd like to eventually find the right partner, but maybe around 32 or 33. Right now, I like my PAQ (peace and quiet), and am recovering from some failed crush episodes where I confessed and was shot down. I feel like instead of chasing yet another crush, I just need some down time.

 

Anyway, just rambling and seeing if anyone else can relate.

 

Being single isn't a curse as some people make it seem.

 

There are pros to being single and cons, like their are pros to being in a relationships and challenges.

 

When I'm single I enjoy that for what its worth and don't act like it is a curse.

 

Would I want to be single for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! I very much like partnership and someone to share my life with and I also want children and would only want to have kids within an intact relationship. Because of that being single forever would not be good for me, but while I am single I do not act like it is a "condition" or curse. I am unmarried and childless right now and when I was a teenager I swore I wanted to be married with kids by 27, I'm approaching that age and CANNOT fathom that right now. Where I'm at in my life is beautiful. Once I settle down and have kids that will come with its own beauty as well, but I can't get back this immense freedom I have right now, so I ENJOY it fully.

Edited November 30, 2013 by MissBee

[AnyaNova]

I know that I would be ok, if I knew that I would be single for the rest of my life. And I would be happy for a great deal of it.

 

However, I think I would also be sad, because I love sharing of myself deeply intellectually, emotionally, and physically in that way that only happens in a relationship, and I would miss it, knowing that I would never have it again.

 

I am torn a bit, because while it is easy to lament sometimes the fact that I am single and 35, I also know that since I have been 21 I have only spent maybe a year and a half of it single, and know that some time spent for myself would be good too.

 

But I know that I would be okay on my own. I have always needed time alone to recuperate. And so I have learned how to "be with myself." and "be okay with myself." so to speak.

[maiden of rohan]

I'd be good with that, I think.

 

I've been single coming on four years on Saturday *yeah, I keep track* and I'm happy this way. I can honestly see myself being perfectly content if I remained single, for whatever reason.

 

I see a lot of people my age (26) settling down, getting married and having children. A couple of people (namely my family) are expecting the same out of me sometime soon. I don't know how-I have no prospects to speak of, and no imminent desire to find any.

 

There are, of course, days when I wonder what it would be like to have someone. To go to the movies with, hold hands etc but they don't last long, and they're rare.

 

Some people, I think, just don't need to find someone to feel complete. I'm of the attitude if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. No big deal. I think partly because I see a lot of people who settle, for fear of ending up alone. Alone never bothered me, so I don't have that same issue.

 

I wouldn't necessarily choose to be single for life, though. But, I'm also not going to settle for the first guy who comes along because I'm terrified I'll die an old maid with just cats for company. I get lonely, sometimes, and sometimes, I think I could incorporate a relationship into my life, it's just not a priority, and it never really has been.

 

Even when I was a little younger, relationships never interested me that much. I had my share of fun, and I developed crushes, but I was never desperate to settle down. My friends all paired off pretty quickly, and I was left, the single girl, and perfectly happy with it. I've had relationships. I know I'm capable of them, but I also know that I do find them difficult. I find it tricky to sustain interest, and develop attachment to people. It's possibly why I find being alone easy because I find being with a companion difficult.

Edited December 2, 2013 by maiden of rohan

[Elliotte]

It's great to enjoy being single, I had some of the most fun during my single years! Having a place to yourself, choosing what you want to do and not stressing about needing someone else in your life relationship wise is a great thing!

 

I will say the enjoyment of being single and on your own has one (possibly major) drawback, at least it did for me; being strongly independent can make it tempting to end relationships a lot more quickly if troubles arise in them! When you spend time enjoying the single life and loving it, I know it has sometimes made me wish for it back, and previously be more apt to end dating someone or being in relationships, knowing I could be enjoying single life a lot more. I think it can definitely thin out your threshold for putting up with someone else's bull**** (everyone has some bull**** they bring out in a relationship!) when you do get into a relationship.

 

Not that I'd change things, I went through many years of loving being single and that helped me meet my wife!

[MissBee]

It's great to enjoy being single, I had some of the most fun during my single years! Having a place to yourself, choosing what you want to do and not stressing about needing someone else in your life relationship wise is a great thing!

 

I will say the enjoyment of being single and on your own has one (possibly major) drawback, at least it did for me; being strongly independent can make it tempting to end relationships a lot more quickly if troubles arise in them! When you spend time enjoying the single life and loving it, I know it has sometimes made me wish for it back, and previously be more apt to end dating someone or being in relationships, knowing I could be enjoying single life a lot more. I think it can definitely thin out your threshold for putting up with someone else's bull**** (everyone has some bull**** they bring out in a relationship!) when you do get into a relationship.

 

Not that I'd change things, I went through many years of loving being single and that helped me meet my wife!

 

How is that a drawback?

 

I see it as a positive!

 

I want to be in relationships because I want to be there and because it's adding to my life so knowing I can walk away instead of putting up with BS is great instead of being in dead-ends because I'm scared of being alone.

 

However, that is different than jumping ship anytime any kind of issue arises. But certainly being of the mind that you can be fine alone makes for healthier relationships IMO than being of the mentality that you can't.

[emva07]

I got out of a 4 yr relationship earlier this year, and like you, I feel great relief in coming home after work and just laying in my bed and relaxing and answering to no one.

 

Right now I'm in my mid 20s and have other priorities so maybe that's why I'm happy this way, I'm sure that probably as I near 30 that will change.

 

I am enjoying the flexibility of doing what I want without having to coordinate with someone else's schedule, needs.

 

We now live in a time where it is not mandatory to have to be married by 30 so people are milking it and doing just fine!

[maiden of rohan]

How is that a drawback?

 

I see it as a positive!

 

I want to be in relationships because I want to be there and because it's adding to my life so knowing I can walk away instead of putting up with BS is great instead of being in dead-ends because I'm scared of being alone.

 

However, that is different than jumping ship anytime any kind of issue arises. But certainly being of the mind that you can be fine alone makes for healthier relationships IMO than being of the mentality that you can't.

 

I agree with this. I think being of the mindset that you can walk away and be perfectly fine enables a person to know when they're being mistreated, and have the ability to walk.

 

I know a few people who are all "I can't walk away because then I'll be alone, and I don't want to be." Their partners treat them terribly, and abuse the knowledge that they will never leave willingly. I think that's an unhealthy way to be, and sets the precedent of being a total doormat.

 

I think every person should have an element of independence in them, be it emotionally, financially, etc so that they don't end up in toxic relationships and staying in them.

 

Of course, there's a difference between leaving a potentially toxic and unhealthy relationship to leaving something because of a little problem. Then again, I often feel that if a person wants to leave because of a small blip, they'll disappear as soon as an even bigger blip occurs. And, if it's something small that causes a person to leave, they weren't really in it in the first place.

[Elliotte]

How is that a drawback?

 

I see it as a positive!

 

I want to be in relationships because I want to be there and because it's adding to my life so knowing I can walk away instead of putting up with BS is great instead of being in dead-ends because I'm scared of being alone.

 

However, that is different than jumping ship anytime any kind of issue arises. But certainly being of the mind that you can be fine alone makes for healthier relationships IMO than being of the mentality that you can't.

 

I meant it is a double edged sword. There are many long term couples who have stuck with it through some very hard issues and came out the other end of it being closer and stronger together. The fact is, all of us have baggage that make it hard on the relationship, and learning how to improve or cope with these issues is a lot harder than being single, where you do not have to face your ugly side quite as much.

 

We humans are very mentally resistant to change, to long term hard work in order to reach long term goals. If you are loving being single, then transition to a long term relationship, there will be times where the learning curve of being with that person will make you question whether staying is worth it, and having loved being single can both add the positive perspective of knowing you will be fine if it leads to a breakup, but may also tempt you to go with that option rather than stick with it and put in the hard work to make the relationship last and be successful.

 

At least, that has been my personal experience.