FBs or FWBs - WTF?

[ja123]

Folks -

 

What have your FWB or FB experiences been like? (Is there even a difference between FWBs and FBs?)

 

Do you kiss?

 

What's the frequency

 

How often are you in contact outside of meeting? (and how? text, calls, emails)

 

And, finally, what do you make of my situation? (below)

 

 

***********************************************************

 

 

In September, I met this guy from an online ad posting the desire to meet a female platonic friend.

 

He's the same age, and I honestly thought it would be nice to have some male company.

 

I've been single for ages and I don't bother dating anymore (that's another story).

 

Anyhow, after our first meet (spending some time chatting in a park), he invited me to his place for our second. Neither of us would have guessed, at the beginning, that the other was kinda perverted; but, lo and behold, both of us are. We ended up broaching the subject, by accident seemingly, through our discussion of literature.

 

He was a bit bashful discussing the topic ... like he couldn't believe it because he keeps that part of himself "separate" from the real world (whereas a couple of my close friends know). But, it was nice.

 

Anyhow, the next meet, I gave him a hug and he said he doesn't want to be the guy who just gives hugs because that's all women want. So, I asked if he wanted to have sex, and he nodded. So, I said OK, let's go.

 

So, I get an email from him the next day saying that he enjoyed everything but he doesn't feel we're much more than platonic. I wrote and said I was on the same page and not to worry.

 

He proceeds to contact me every few days by email to touch base, and we've met several times now to hang-out, talk, listen to music, eat, and have sex.

 

What's bizarre about this, IMO, is that we do not kiss or sleep in the same bed, apart from our first time. It just sort of happened that way, as he asked for less tongue (which meant no tongue at all, really). In fact, the bed thing happened once when I decided to stay over upon his invitation; otherwise, I just go home afterwards.

 

lol

 

Hunh?

 

What do y'all think?

Edited November 28, 2013 by ja123

[mikecr50]

My two cents, have a frank and open discussion about it. You're not dating anyone, does FWB work for you? Set boundaries you can live with. Be honest with yourself, no offense but can you limit your feelings and/or emotions?

[ja123]

Well, Mike, the strangest thing about all this is that I'm totally OK with it, as it stands for now.

 

 

I'd like some more hugs from him while we're say watching something on t.v., or just talking, but then his couch isn't really that large, as it's more of a settee. In any case, he wraps his legs around me and says that it's a leg hug. (cute)

 

 

I feel that he feels uncomfortable with opening up in a lot of ways. For instance, I had mentioned that we could perhaps have a chat on the phone as we were both in a bit of a rough spot. He says he doesn't like to talk over the phone but prefers in person. So, I said, ok, no problem. I can understand that. Then, lo and behold, he calls to chat.

 

 

He also has said he's done a few things with me that he's never experienced with another woman (and he's slept with over 60!) and some of it is just plain simple kindness. On the other hand, IMO, he ain't seen nuthing of what I can bring to the table!! hahaha Honestly, the sex has been kinda boring.

 

 

I don't think we have much chemistry. On paper, he has a lot of what interests me. But, there's just something missing. Even regular, lazy Sunday morning sex can be amazing when you have chemistry with someone.

 

 

Ultimately, he's missing humour and wild abandon. Maybe it's in him somewhere, but he holds himself back.

 

 

He made a couple of criticisms of me, when I told a few of my stories, saying I was too dramatic. I told him that I was passionate. Since, then, I've toned it down. I'm OK with adjusting to the company I'm with, providing there's enough other stuff. So, given that I've toned it down, I feel he will never really know me or be able to go to experience with me the passion that I can bring to the bedroom.

 

 

Last time we were together talking, it came up in conversation, just in passing. I responded to something he said, and he realized that his criticism must have hit me. He said I must have made you uncomfortable, and he had a regretful look on his face.

 

 

So, yeah, I'm curious in a way to see what happens next ...

 

 

Generally, I let him initiate. Maybe I'm just not that interested. At the same time, I'm glad that I'm not that interested, nor he in me. I'm not really in the headspace for a relationship, I guess, and I would find it disconcerting to have someone up my butt every 5 seconds.

 

 

Maybe I'm turning into a real loner. Maybe I'll be a bachelorette for life!

 

 

Who knows.

 

 

One thing is that I'm open to seeing other guys now (for casual) and I just wasn't bothering with anyone for so long.

 

 

He had mentioned that he made-out with a girl while "seeing" me, but that she went back to her boyfriend. I had also made-out with someone, too, as it so happens.

 

 

Honestly, I wouldn't mind having some hot dirty sex, so I'm kinda looking at other ads and have a potential meet for next Friday. Although he and I talked about some of our fantasies and some of the things we've done. I just feel that I won't be able to get to that place with him.

 

 

It's weird.

 

 

I don't want to lead anyone down the garden path. Should I mention the other potential meet, if I do meet the other guy next week?

Edited November 29, 2013 by ja123

[imtooconfused]

ja123, the funny thing is that this is the opposite of most FWB problems (which are typically 'I think I am in love with her/him' or 'I think he/she is in love with me').

 

In your case, if the 'B' part of the FWB relationship is not living up to your expectations, there is nothing that says you are bound to stay FWBs. But like the other kind of FWB problems once you cut off the sex, you have pretty much blown the 'F' part as well. You can't expect the platonic/friendly part of the relationship to continue.

[ja123]

You make a good point, imtooconfused.

 

 

I guess that is where it's at: if B stops there's no more F.

 

 

My feeling is that it's just going to wither away, where we don't see each other anymore. Too bad, really, I do like hanging out with him every now and then.

 

 

Perhaps the answer is having more than one FWB at the same time. What do you think?

 

 

Should one be honest with all the parties?

 

 

It's not like I'd be bragging, but like I said, I don't want to lead anyone down the garden path.

 

 

I had said to him that I thought that he probably had a revolving door of FWBs, and he said "no" the one that he had sort of petered out as she wasn't that interested in him.

 

 

The other strange thing is that I get the sense that he's used to being treated poorly by women and the fact that I'm nice and honest is less interesting to him.

 

 

I think he's uncomfortable somewhere with that.

 

 

Who knows?

 

 

I figure that he might have someone else now as he didn't contact me this weekend.

 

 

Anyhow, I hope my other potential meet pans out and that the guy doesn't flake before meeting. But, whatever happens, I'm OK single and celibate. It won't do me in to continue on as I have been: alone.

[WP4046]

I know a person who is in a permanent FWB situation and only see each other on sundays.

 

Now that's what I would love lol

[ja123]

Yeah, WP, maybe it can work out for some people.

 

 

Who knows, maybe he and I will continue to meet. I have no idea and very little expectation.

 

 

I think the fact that there's no kissing, actually helps it to feel more "platonic" even though we're certainly not platonic.

 

 

It keeps a certain distance between us.

 

 

So, why would you like a once a week FWB situation? You've no desire to be in a relationship right now?

 

 

When you say that the person you know who's in a permanent Sunday-only FWB situation, how long has that been going on? And what makes it work?

[WP4046]

Yeah, WP, maybe it can work out for some people.

 

 

Who knows, maybe he and I will continue to meet. I have no idea and very little expectation.

 

 

I think the fact that there's no kissing, actually helps it to feel more "platonic" even though we're certainly not platonic.

 

 

It keeps a certain distance between us.

 

 

So, why would you like a once a week FWB situation? You've no desire to be in a relationship right now?

 

 

When you say that the person you know who's in a permanent Sunday-only FWB situation, how long has that been going on? And what makes it work?

 

 

Well right now I am in the process of cleaning up debt and building up my financial situation so I guess you can say I am not relationship material

 

And far as the other guy, not sure why his FWB seemed to work so well.

 

If i had to guess maybe it's because it's a ongoing 6 day build up to them seeing each again

[ja123]

I think it's good that you recognize where you're at. I'm a bit in the same situation. I feel I've other fish to fry, and I'm not looking for some man to come along and save me, or for a relationship to provide some false sense of security without me doing any work.

 

 

I need my household in order and solidify my own personal vision for the future before I could consider seriously getting involved with anyone.

 

 

It certainly is nice to have some male companionship (and, yeah, a bit of sex!) from time to time.

 

 

Good luck to you!

[mikecr50]

FWB is always tough to balance. I think occasional gut checks are important, things change. If it doesn't work for you anymore then don't waste each others time.

[ja123]

Well, Mike, I agree it's probably a hard thing to balance, this FWB situation.

 

 

For instance, it really does feel that we're living in some kind of shadow land. I feel that's mostly down to him, in a way.

 

 

Personally, I like to go out and do things and have a companion, but then maybe that's too much into relationship territory. It kinda sucks that it is so difficult to manage.

 

 

I still didn't hear from him and it's been 6 days. I'm wondering why. Could he be pissed that I actually made out with someone, too? I mean he mentioned his make out session first, and it was with a girl that he has feelings for (but she went back to her bf). The guy I made out with, well, it was a one-off ... perhaps it could've been more but he was hinting at a future together without really knowing me, so I ran!