Dumped by an insecure man who runs away.

[Letgo_ofme]

So sorry for the really long post, but I just need some help!

 

Last year this time, I met the most wonderful man and dated for nearly 11 months. He is sensitive, caring, attentive, cooks!!, loves me and also my animals. We spent nearly every single day together since January 1, 2012 and to some extent, he unofficially lived with me but did not completely move in. He said that his last relationship did not end well and he didn't want to lose his home unless he was absolutely sure. He is also unemployed, with a Ph. D, so I trusted he would be able to figure out his situation with time.

 

Our relationship was almost perfect. I would sometimes pinch myself and say that it was too good to be true. We talked all the time, shared our thoughts and just marveled at how well everything went. We've both said we'd never met anybody quite like each other. The employment situation was really never a concern because I am self-employed and have had a profitable year. I also started to teach him some of my skills which are transferrable from his studies and invited him to join me on some projects. I make lots of good money and know that my industry is hot now.

 

Just to preface, I have never been a cheater, but he was cheated on twice. As a power networker, I love making new friends, business contacts and connections, so finding him new clients seemed easy to me. In October, a friend of mine who owns an agency actually hired him to complete a project, which cost us our relationship. The project was underfunded, under-managed and overwhelming (even to me, the professional), but we didn't know this. Sadly, his insecurities started to manifest and he threatened to leave the project every single day despite tight deadlines. I eventually completely took over the remainder of the project due to contract and he made a big scene with my friend. Following this situation, he just moved out of our home and broke up with me completely, which triggered my abandonment issues... I was devastated and disappointed. He left me and the project... which I'm still dealing with.

 

Mid-October, we began talking and decided to try the relationship again. However, it was never felt the same. We would only hang out for a few hours, eventually to the point that it felt like we were not really dating. He was only thinking about himself and not "us".

 

Mid-November, I was starting to feel uneasy about how he could leave the relationship so suddenly and confronted him about it (we never discussed it). Unfortunately, he was so uncomfortable, combative and blaming that left the relationship again no more than 10 minutes of discussing. This resulted in him lashing out at me, his friends and retreating to his own solitude. We officially broke up and began NC.

 

It has been very difficult because I love this man so much. He and I both have traumatic and troubling childhoods, so I am very forgiving and sensitive to our needs. I've had 8 years of therapy and am very confident and vocal about my feelings, but for some reason he keeps blaming me for being controlling and bossy. He still hasn't found a job or made any money and lost all his friends. I have a close circle of friends and good relationships who all say I am NOT controlling. I've done nothing but tried to help him. Not only that, he's gone around badmouthing me with our mutual friends. I am so hurt by this.

 

To get over the breakup, I've relied on friends. Hung out with them and occupied myself with business mixers and networking events. I don't believe in dating during rough times, because this truly is the time to self-reflect and discover myself. Anyway...

 

To further complicate things, my friends' business (bakery) partner walked out on her very abruptly last week, leaving the business stranded. I stepped in to manage some business strategy and marketing. The ex loves cooking so much and had been dreaming about an opportunity like this, so I contacted him. He and my friend got off to a great start and he thanked me profusely. Things seemed to go really well for a few days and I even invited him over for dinner last night (went great, platonic). But today something changed and he accused me of being bossy. He also nearly threw a scene with my friend. He said that I was being unprofessional and am being too emotionally unstable. What?! I have kept this super professional and have not hinted at anything romantic! I am hurt again.

 

I don't know why I am drawn to this man. Had I written this post last week, I would have asked how I could help him because I don't want to lose him. But today, I am realizing that he has so many issues of his own. He keeps blaming everyone else for his insecurities, throws scenes and doesn't accept responsibility. I am always apologizing and confessing to my faults, but not him. I'm also seeing that he really hasn't been very nice to me since the breakup and has interpersonal relationship issues (socially and romantically).

 

What's wrong with me and why do I keep helping? How could I have not seen this before? I feel so stupid about it and am sadly, kind of still in love. I feel disillusioned... Has anyone else dated an insecure man like this?

[Haydn]

Ive never dated a man like this but i have dated a woman like this. I think it would be best to not see each other for as long as it takes for you both to heal from this. He does not sound like a bad guy. My ex was quite insane. I think some space is needed. You love him and you want to help him. NORMAL in y book but there comes a time when you have to help yourself. Take care and garner the opinions from here. Its helped me no end. BTW i love the cooking theme in you post.

[Emilia]

I don't know why I am drawn to this man. Had I written this post last week, I would have asked how I could help him because I don't want to lose him. But today, I am realizing that he has so many issues of his own. He keeps blaming everyone else for his insecurities, throws scenes and doesn't accept responsibility. I am always apologizing and confessing to my faults, but not him. I'm also seeing that he really hasn't been very nice to me since the breakup and has interpersonal relationship issues (socially and romantically).

 

What's wrong with me and why do I keep helping? How could I have not seen this before? I feel so stupid about it and am sadly, kind of still in love. I feel disillusioned... Has anyone else dated an insecure man like this?

It's because of your troubled past. Did your parents get divorced? was your father a bit helpless?

 

You must learn to combat these codependent tendencies in yourself. Weak men/weak people are a dime a dozen, you have to stop trying to control them. Codependency is about control. Trying to prop up a weak guy to make him love you. A big mistake, you have to pick a strong one in the first place.

 

The last man I dated was similar but now I know the drill and I realise I'm drawn to these guys so I spend the first 3 months observing. This is what you need to do as well. Observe in the beginning and see how they handle conflict. If he is too self-absorbed and weak you have to walk, not 'help'. Don't second guess yourself but walk. You are a strong women, be strong in your romantic relationships as well.

 

This is a good book Codependent No More - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Letgo_ofme]

Ive never dated a man like this but i have dated a woman like this. I think it would be best to not see each other for as long as it takes for you both to heal from this. He does not sound like a bad guy.

 

No, he's really not a bad guy. But, his insecurities are following him everywhere he goes and he keeps blaming me for them. He thinks that anything I put my hands in gets screwed up. But he's never accounted for the fact that it might be HIM.

 

Anyway, last night he wrote my friend a long email about how he wanted to be involved with the bakery and made it really person. I was CC'ed on the email and cringed when I saw it.

 

My friend told me about it and said quite frankly she doesn't have any time for his emotional baggage. She just wants to know whether he can do it or not. I just told her to figure it out with him - he's willing to work for free, so just see what his commitment levels are.

 

I don't know what will happen or if he will crumble under pressure again. But I hope this works out with the both of them!! But I'm staying OUT of it.

 

PS: Happy Thanksgiving!!!

[Letgo_ofme]

It's because of your troubled past. Did your parents get divorced? was your father a bit helpless?

 

Honestly, I never thought of it that way! My parents are divorced and my father was rendered helpless after my mother kicked him to the curb when he was flat broke. I guess I am transferring those feelings to the ex, but I feel helpless when I see someone else struggling.

 

Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Last night as I was laying in bed awake, I realized that his insecurities were rubbing off on me. I started to behave differently and would feel the stress in my stomach if I knew an uncomfortable situation would upset him.

 

I am going to leave him alone and hope he figures it out. Thank you!

[Letgo_ofme]

UPDATE: So, the bakery situation fell apart just as quickly as it happened. There was an opportunity to run the breakfast portion of the business, but sadly he went in with an ego and tried to tell the staff how to do their work. Sadly, he doesn't even have any kitchen experience to hoot! Sigh...

 

My friend told me that she had to yell at him this morning because he demanded to be named "Interim head chef". Not only that, the team don't respect him at all because he doesn't even know basic kitchen protocols. Then she asked me what's going on with him and I.. to which I said we were having issues.

 

Long story short, I think you are right that he just can't be helped. He keeps blaming me and everyone else for his short comings. I hope, as his friend, he can learn how to control his emotions. Everyone is starting to see that he is emotionally unstable and something is definitely wrong.

 

Since he's just about lost all his friends, do you think it would be wise of me to reach out? Or just leave it alone?