Ladies, how do you stay emotionally detached during the first few weeks of dating?

[Graduate]

It just happened to me again. I was dating a guy for a month, I thought everything was going great, he was in constant contact, asked me out regularly, told me he liked me, etc. But from one day to the next he just disappeared. Did not reply to my last text and never contacted me again.

 

Unfortunately that is not the first time this has happened to me, in fact that seems to be my pattern for the last 2 years or so. I keep telling myself to not get attached too quickly, to not take it too seriously for the first month or two, to always assume he is dating other women and that he might dump me at the drop of the hat... BUT I just can't help it. After 2-3 dates, weeks of daily communication and me having a great time with him, I can't stop myself from thinking about him, liking him, looking forward to his next message and our next date, smiling when I hear from him, etc.

 

And when he dumps me I feel absolutely gutted. So how do you deal with it? Does anyone have a way of not getting attached too quickly, but still being emotionally available and not seeming uninterested?

[Titania22]

I have no idea, butwhat listening to Matthew Hussey, I think we are not supposed to communicate with a single guy every day during the start of dating. He suggests we make an effort to meet (approach, have a conversation with 3-4 new men every week), and build an active social life, so we don't spend too much time fixating on one guy. He said men won't appreciate the time and energy we give to them if they don't feel that they have earned that level of commitment from us. And also it should protect us from getting too attached in the early days when they can just disappear.

 

I don't know if that advice works yet, but I intend to try it out.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I juggle multiple men.

 

Beware of men that come on really strong, give you excesesive compliments, contact you too much etc. I never had it turn out well. Fire burns out quickly and you never hear from them again.

[Emilia]

After 2-3 dates, weeks of daily communication and me having a great time with him, I can't stop myself from thinking about him, liking him, looking forward to his next message and our next date, smiling when I hear from him, etc.

 

And when he dumps me I feel absolutely gutted. So how do you deal with it? Does anyone have a way of not getting attached too quickly, but still being emotionally available and not seeming uninterested?

By asking to slow communications down. The way to stay relatively detached is not to have that person in your life constantly. Don't see them too often and don't have contact with them every day. Keep up your hobbies, see your friends, make sure you have a life outside him. Don't tell him too much about yourself. Keep it slow.

[Ninjainpajamas]

My question is, how can you continue to meet men and continuously get attached over and over and over again in spite them disappearing on you? Where do you get the motivation and desire to do that?

 

It seems like many women have no limits and an unlimited amount of reserve, energy and time to invest wildly into men they think have potential.

 

I mean you meet a guy, he seems "great" at first of course...even though you just met the guy it's fireworks and "where could this lead?" all over again...I mean is it that simple? hard to place a real "value" on that if I'm being honest...it's like standing outside a mall and every shopper that comes out you think could be Mr. or Miss right, so the guy who you like and gives you a 5 minutes conversation you're all excited over.

 

The problem mainly is over-investing, committing too much emotional time and energy into men without really knowing who they are or even what they're after...the unfortunate part is any man can be anyone in the beginning and it's mainly a facade, it's not the real person at the core...the real person has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad...however all that is swept to the side while intoxicated in this euphoria of blind excitement where you think guy is this and that...you don't know him, you don't know what he's about, you don't know if he's married, got a GF...who knows! these are all possible realities in the dating world of 2013. Yet of course you're going to blame yourself or think it was something you did if something goes wrong.

 

However mentally and emotionally, people haven't gotten up to speed on the situation and haven't learned to stop investing so much so early on with essentially a stranger...who could slip away into the night without warning, instead this Disney prince charming scenario is instead favored where all these magical and wonderful things are going to come of it.

 

You've got to be self-aware and know your limits, you've got to give things time to develop and not get ahead of yourself...you cannot let yourself just slip into another situation where you're knee deep into it because your best friend and her BF "f@cked on the first date within 3 minutes of meeting and they're in a long-term relationship so obviously it's going to work for me...see he took her seriously! it can happen" or some other idealistic view that's optimistic and seeing the good in people...get a headache hearing that one....instead of thinking or predicating the best case scenario just be balanced be open to the possibilities...give yourself time to actually access what is happening, ask questions, become a better communicator and pace yourself...but no, the whole mysticism and infatuation with someone new is all too alluring to listen to those little red beeps in your brain. So you keep it simple and just wish upon a star that everything is going to work itself out...thinking you know how he feels just because of how you feel.

 

So it's self-control, self-talk...something women expect of men to have, but none of themselves to have especially in the emotional aspect, if you don't know your limits and you can't essentially control yourself then the men who can pull interest and intrigue out of you quickly are often doing so because they know what they're doing...not because of "chemistry" necessarily, they just know how to push the buttons on women and play a nice game that they've been refining as they've gone along and learned from their own experiences.

 

And trust me there always going to have reasons of why they're walking away if they have to...and if they're smart, you'll completely buy into it.

 

These men out there are not necessarily hunting for relationships/marriages or long-term commitments with much determination because for men that's available on every corner (desirable men especially) and there's really little incentive to just shack up with the just any girl essentially...so if you make yourself available and open and constantly coming on strong with an intense sense of interest you're basically just like the rest of them and it's clear what you're after (which is not a bad thing if they're actually looking for someone "special" and he thinks you're it) otherwise you're pretty much leaving it up to the man to simply "choose" you when he himself doesn't even know you and might be turned off by the desperation in your behavior that he may feel you project in your behavior.

 

Many women seem to have no "standard" or expectation once the ball gets rolling and they seem to really like a guy, it's simply "OMG we slept together, now you're this magical man who I just can't possibly help myself from falling in love with unless...wait, are you available and I don't have to chase you? ummm sorry, I'm not "emotionally available" after all"

 

So live your own life, have your own things going on and don't make a man a priority so early on, or you're just "one of those girls" who are out there looking for a man to shack up with and tie down...for men it's not just some easy thing to do, like to go out there and just find some random person then invest emotionally like "OMG where could this go teehee", men are pretty selective about long-term commitment material and if you're only 90 percent of what they're looking for then a lot of them will simply move on if they have options and never even tell you a damn about it...doesn't mean they won't mess with the 90 percent and lower women however.

 

And another thing with men, if you're not it, you're not...there's no overcoming that unless you're hoping/asking him to settle, otherwise save yourself the heartbreak and move on...it's real simple though, women trying to complicate shet though because they want to believe they can change a mans mind, that's what it really is.

Edited November 28, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[todreaminblue]

I dot attach like that.......i have to have known them for quite a while to be battached and as friends first....dates come and go i have found...so dotn attach just dating someone but friends well they are around a hell of a lot longer....when i have an established friendship and i care about someone whether i date them or not they have more of an effect on my life.....deb

[mammasita]

Are you having sex during this time before they disappear?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I also wonder how women manage to have reserves of energy like that for every new guy? Seriously, I lost mine few years back. Now I struggle to see a man as a real person rather than just a number 27 in 2013 (my extreme is not good either).

 

I see it on these boards, women in their 30s, 40s and beyond obsessing over any guy they date. What's your secret?

[Graduate]

Hi everybody,

thank you for your replies and advice. Please keep them coming!

 

To answer some of your questions, it is not like I go out with 27 guys per year (ouch, no wonder you are jaded ES) for me it is more a number of 3-5. And no, I usually don't have sex with those guys too early. Usually I wait at least a month and only sleep with them if we are exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

I do have my own life, I don't see them more than once a week and I rarely ever initiate contact or ask them out. I am not playing hard to get (always accept if they ask me in advance and I want to see them) but I am also not chasing them with texts or asking them out myself.

 

Still, I continuously end up in a situation where I meet a guy, he seems to be really interested in me, keeps courting me, asking me out, telling me how he really likes me, etc. but then, one day, he suddenly disappears. Often without a word.

 

I've tried multi-dating, but can't really do it beyond the first two dates, because I feel like I am cheating or using the guys I am not that interested in. I try not to take a guy seriously before the first two dates, even though it is difficult if he does and says all the right things (especially if I have known him from my social circle first or know his friends who all tell me he is a great guy) but at some point I fall, and that seems to be the time when they often pull back.

 

I understand that feelings change or some guys are just not that into me, what hurts is if he acts and talks like I am the best thing since sliced bread for weeks or months, and then suddenly one day he is gone and I never hear from him again. If he did not act that smitten I could accept the loss of interest much easier than if he acts like he is crazy about me, but suddenly changes.

 

Is there anything I can do to not get that attached or fall for his lies (apparently that's what they are) that I am failing to do at the moment?

 

Thanks again for your input!

[Graduate]

My question is, how can you continue to meet men and continuously get attached over and over and over again in spite them disappearing on you? Where do you get the motivation and desire to do that?

 

I mean you meet a guy, he seems "great" at first of course...even though you just met the guy it's fireworks and "where could this lead?" all over again...I mean is it that simple? hard to place a real "value" on that if I'm being honest...it's like standing outside a mall and every shopper that comes out you think could be Mr. or Miss right, so the guy who you like and gives you a 5 minutes conversation you're all excited over.

 

It is not exactly like that. I don't fall for every guy I meet. I might meet 30 guys per year, but I only date 3-5. So I am not just dating the first guy coming through the door. Some guys I go on one date with, some on two, most I only have one conversation with.

 

BUT, every once in a while, there is a guy that I really like from the get go, you know, you share a cup of coffee, you laugh, conversation is flowing easily, you are attracted to him, etc. You go home and get a text from him saying he had a great time and would I like to go out for dinner next week. I say yes, we meet the next weekend, go out for dinner and drinks, have a great time again, he is a perfect gentleman, next day he asks for another date, etc. Suddenly it is 4 weeks down the line, we have been on a few dates, everything seems to be going great, he contacts me daily, tells me about his life, friends, invites me to meet his social circle, etc. But then, one day, after a date I get no text saying he had a great time. I text him the next day thanking him for dinner (just in case his text got lost) he either replies saying, 'yeah, it was nice' or does not reply at all. Never contacts me again.

 

What am I doing wrong?

[Emilia]

Still, I continuously end up in a situation where I meet a guy, he seems to be really interested in me, keeps courting me, asking me out, telling me how he really likes me, etc. but then, one day, he suddenly disappears. Often without a word.

 

I've tried multi-dating, but can't really do it beyond the first two dates, because I feel like I am cheating or using the guys I am not that interested in. I try not to take a guy seriously before the first two dates, even though it is difficult if he does and says all the right things (especially if I have known him from my social circle first or know his friends who all tell me he is a great guy) but at some point I fall, and that seems to be the time when they often pull back.

 

I understand that feelings change or some guys are just not that into me, what hurts is if he acts and talks like I am the best thing since sliced bread for weeks or months, and then suddenly one day he is gone and I never hear from him again. If he did not act that smitten I could accept the loss of interest much easier than if he acts like he is crazy about me, but suddenly changes.

 

It seems to me that what you do is what a lot of women do when dating and pick men who are good at empty compliments and who are smooth, always saying the right thing, telling you how great you are etc etc.

 

These are the guys personally I don't trust. I prefer men who are not afraid of alienating people with their opinions and views and who don't try to kiss my ass. Dating them is a two-way process. They decide whether they like me and I decide whether I like them too. I like them direct and outspoken. Sometimes a much harder combination than spending time with some smooth-talking extrovert but at the same time expectations are usually on the table with them.

 

It sounds to me that with these guys you measure how well things are going by how sweetly they talk to you. It's completely meaningless as you can see. You need to be able to find more honest ones rather than those are out there to fool you.

Edited November 28, 2013 by Emilia

[d0nnivain]

I engage in a lot of self talk. When I find my heart getting involved, I stop & think. Nope: it's much too soon, I don't know how he'll react to certain good & bad things, I make list of things I know about him & important things I still don't. I start to think about the reasons I could fall for him. I start to think about the reasons we might have sex. Basically for the first few months I just talk myself out it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I really need to work on this too. Met someone online in June, within two weeks we'd gotten together 'officially', within a week he told me he loved me... all of it seemed amazing and too good to be true but I went with it thinking well maybe, just maybe, sometimes things like this do happen. Four months later he dumps me out of the blue as it turns out he can't handle the slightest bit of stress and a new job meant he freaked out over 'never having any time' etc. whether it's that (which only proves he wouldn't make a good permanent partner anyway) or he just fell out of infatuation with me, it was so tough as I'd allowed myself to fall in love with him.

 

Next time going to make sure I keep the brakes very much on for quite some time.

[Graduate]

As a guy, I disagree with your advice. I met this great girl a month ago, and all we have done is be with each other. We both have even commented that we have been attached at the hip since we met. Who cares. It feels great. There are no rules to dating. Guidelines maybe. Maybe. Everyone is different. What works for one, might not work for others. I say do what feels right.

 

As a guy then, what's your advice to women? How can we make sure the guy we are dating is really into us and not just sweet-talking and will disappear as quickly as he appeared in our lives?

 

In my case, I don't hit the breaks too hard, but usually see a new guy about once a week if he asks me out. And if he texts or calls, I return his message within a few hours. Yet somehow I always end up getting dumped or just disappeared on after a few weeks or months, even if there was never a disagreement and right up to the last moment he told me how much he liked me and how happy he is to have met me.

 

What am I doing wrong or what should I change? Any advice for us ladies?

[NoMoreJerks]

I used to feel very invested (feelings-wise) right from the start. I don't anymore. I just tell myself that I don't want to settle for anyone just to be with someone -- and at that point so early on, to get so invested in a guy is sorta equivalent to settling. You don't know him yet, so why settle for him and convince yourself he's the "one" or the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Personally, I want to see a guy demonstrate his worth (by showing me respect, consistency/reliability, etc.), rather than me assuming it. Maybe more women should adopt that attitude.

[Titania22]

As a guy, I disagree with your advice. I met this great girl a month ago, and all we have done is be with each other. We both have even commented that we have been attached at the hip since we met. Who cares. It feels great. There are no rules to dating. Guidelines maybe. Maybe. Everyone is different. What works for one, might not work for others. I say do what feels right.

 

 

But that's the problem! As a woman like myself and the OP, spending that much time with a guy gets a emotionally invested, and there is nothing to stop him disappearing after that.

 

That question in the opening post is how can we not get attached in the early stages of dating. Just because you haven't run away from your girlfriend, doesn't mean that other men aren't.

 

What's your actually useful advice, because saying just do what feels right is a cop out. The OP has been doing what feels right and it hasn't been working for her.

[winny]

Don't text or talk multiple times through out the day.

Don't sext.

Meet once a week.

Don't sleep with him till at least 4 weeks.

Stop thinking about future only think of enjoying the time you meet him.

Make a list of qualities you are looking for and during initial few 4 or 5 dates, see how many of those does he actually meet.

Don't believe everything he tells you. Ask him to show it to you by action.

Continue going out with your girlfriends.

Spend time with family and make a rule not to talk to him or answer his texts when you are with family, friends or at work.

Take a break and go on trips and travel with friends. It frees up your mind.

If any other guy asks you out, then go.

Read some inspirational books and watch similar movies. It will give you confidence.

Take up some volunteer work, it will open your mind to things which are more important that your dating issues. It will divert your mind to other things.

Expand your life to include new things in it.

See if you want to study something new, take up some classes.

If there are areas in your resume which you feel can get better, then work on them.

 

Make your life much more than just dating a guy... involve your emotions and feelings in other things also

 

Tell your self that, if a guy likes you, he has to win your heart. He has to do the work. You are the prize. You are confident and secure. You don't need a guy to make you happy. You can be happy and content alone also. If a guy likes you, he has to prove to you by his actions that he can make your life better in some way if you make him a part of it. Until and unless a guy proves this to you, you are not investing your feelings on him.

 

You really have it in yourself to control your feelings and thoughts.

[Eggplant]

I've tried multi-dating, but can't really do it beyond the first two dates, because I feel like I am cheating or using the guys I am not that interested in.

No way. You don't owe any man exclusivity just because he's bought you a drink. You cannot AFFORD to be freely giving out your emotional investments and exclusivity to men who haven't yet committed to you. Remember, they as men have all the time in the world to play with. You don't. If he wants exclusivity, all he has to do is ask. In the mean time, you should be meeting a lot of people.

I try not to take a guy seriously before the first two dates, even though it is difficult if he does and says all the right things (especially if I have known him from my social circle first or know his friends who all tell me he is a great guy) but at some point I fall, and that seems to be the time when they often pull back.

Then you are falling too quickly, or rather letting on too quickly. And yes, there is a double standard. It sucks. Put your phone away. Leave it at home. Stop thinking about him.

 

It's also possible you are choosing bad guys. Lots of male posters are claiming they don't know what you're talking about. Who knows?

[RedRobin]

By asking to slow communications down. The way to stay relatively detached is not to have that person in your life constantly. Don't see them too often and don't have contact with them every day. Keep up your hobbies, see your friends, make sure you have a life outside him. Don't tell him too much about yourself. Keep it slow.

 

This, and kill the texting.

 

Insist on phone calls and insist that plans be made in advance. If he doesn't do that, then find something else to do. ANYTHING.

 

Your time is valuable. Even if it is on your own. Never leave anyone (man or woman) with the impression that it isn't.

[Joaquin]

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

[RedRobin]

OP, I'd not pay attention to advice blaming you for how some 'men' are.

 

It is a recipe for hopelessness really, because by taking that advice, not only would you become perpetually on guard, but also because good men are nothing like those people. Good men are not dodgy, or vague, or users...

 

I'm going to recommend to you what I'd recommend to anyone... it is important that you test any new friendship or relationship with ANYONE. Strangers are just that. Strangers.

 

Use active listening. Suspend immediate judgement (good or bad) while you observe their behavior. If anything seems out of line... stop or slow things down. Is this a person you'd like as a friend? That you'd recommend to someone else? That you'd consider introducing to someone whose opinion you value? If not, then you shouldn't move forward.

 

I personally don't even decide how I feel about someone romantically until I've been seeing them at least two months to three months... no sex. It is right about that period of time that most show their true colors. It's common sense logic that I apply to any new interaction. Man or woman.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It is not exactly like that. I don't fall for every guy I meet. I might meet 30 guys per year, but I only date 3-5. So I am not just dating the first guy coming through the door. Some guys I go on one date with, some on two, most I only have one conversation with.

 

BUT, every once in a while, there is a guy that I really like from the get go, you know, you share a cup of coffee, you laugh, conversation is flowing easily, you are attracted to him, etc. You go home and get a text from him saying he had a great time and would I like to go out for dinner next week. I say yes, we meet the next weekend, go out for dinner and drinks, have a great time again, he is a perfect gentleman, next day he asks for another date, etc. Suddenly it is 4 weeks down the line, we have been on a few dates, everything seems to be going great, he contacts me daily, tells me about his life, friends, invites me to meet his social circle, etc. But then, one day, after a date I get no text saying he had a great time. I text him the next day thanking him for dinner (just in case his text got lost) he either replies saying, 'yeah, it was nice' or does not reply at all. Never contacts me again.

 

What am I doing wrong?

 

It's nearly impossible to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong because if you were aware enough to tell me what that is then you might not be in the position you are at in the first place.

 

The big key is self-awareness, it's really being able to tell and understand how your actions and behavior are interpreted by men. Also it may be attributed to normal factors like incompatibility and personality conflicts.

 

Every woman I've met who has struggled greatly in her romantic relationships in real life has had a very low level of self-control and awareness and is an idealist who doesn't incorporate a lot of logic into her relationships....she always claims she doesn't "fall for every guy" but sure enough, every week, month or what not there always seems to be a new guy in the picture and the whole cycle persists, and she typically gets to the point of obsession and over-analyzing, and of course analyzing the situation from a woman's point of view and horrible at taking good advice or trusting her own gut instinct...she asks irrelevant questions about what men say and do, she wants an easy fix,, she is typically a poor communicator, very passive in confrontation and letting the man lead without any direction or understanding in her own right...she basically awaits the man to make that commitment or tell her what is going on...she has no filtering process of her own, she is just simply floating in the water or caught up in the moment of whatever this guy is doing or saying and takes everything at face value rather than step back and say "wait a minute...something about this guy is off and he's way too invested, let me ask him questions and reserve my investment here because I know this pattern already".

 

So without the self-control minimize the emotional investment knowing your own limitations...you are in a sense, merely along for the ride. I see that many women tend to just have these expectations but then scale those things back and deliberately ignore red flags and try to see everything from a positive perspective...because they want to believe that "maybe this is really happening" they create this reality in their own minds and every little thing a man does that is in favor of that is used as justification of that belief and everything to the contrary is discarded as paranoia or "just give him a chance"...because in all honesty you refuse to let anything go once you're invested in it, you've just got to see it through...you say you learn from your lessons but you really don't, you simply chalk that up to another loss and then engage in the exact scenario again with another guy...you tell yourself it's different because that guy likes the color green and the other liked blue, and he works as a lumber jack man and the other guy was a pancake mixer at the a breakfast joint, it's just all these miniscule and irrelevant details that women use to "size up and compare" men to one another...which as you can see is completely ridiculous...however any good advice you'd simply not process it and in the moment, your emotions would take over and you'd be in the same exact position you've always been in.

 

Is there a way to help you? I don't think I could change you, I don't think anyone has the power to change anyone else that doesn't want to change themselves....you want me to likely just point out what you're doing wrong so you can go out there and succeed like a kid wanting his parent to tie his shoes so he can go play outside...it's just not that simple or easy, there's a lot of personal issues that are likely unresolved within yourself that control your behavior and actions which are way over your head, among other things that you do that are turning men away or forming their perspective of you....because for men they are in the moment creatures, they do a lot of things out of ego and out of conquest, not for the long-term, there's a huge misconception for women of how men work...I can't understand for the life of me how it's not more clear to women but the fault of women as well is they tend to live in a bubble and only recognize their own experiences and feelings, therefore not learning from outside experiences like what other women are doing or what is happening around them...they just feel their lives are exclusive to them and the men they date are somehow unique...I personally think human beings are human being and therefore have patterns....not different aliens from different planets with all these different things that are foreign to one another and just so happen to meet each other on planet earth...you can learn a lot therefore by opening your eyes to gain outside perspectives and looking in the mirror and recognize yourself as a person that is seen as a "type" to the real world rather than this individual person....doesn't mean you aren't an individual but all that stuff matters only later on in the relationship...in the beginning the factors involved are much simpler and basic.

 

So possibly not a helpful post to you...if you're looking for the quick "get rich" or "lose 100 pounds in 5 mins" type of thing like many are to resolve all their problems, you'll need to look elsewhere to someone who is willing to exploit that....a desperate attempt to take control of ones life.

Edited November 29, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[mishy]

I think texting is really bad

I think sleeping with a man too early kills it also because despite womens liberation and being told that we are empowered and we can sleep with whoever we want as early as we want, MEN i believe still value 1950s ideals in judging a womans value. . No guy likes a woman that is too easy, (even if the guy is easy himself! eg a thread on here recently where a guy dumped a girl because he said she slept with him "too soon" ) Things like this that are never ever going to change

[Minnie09]

I'm sure there have been some signs along the way that the op simply chose to ignore, just because she wanted to believe there was a special connection when there really wasn't. It often has to do with liking somebody's attention and reading much more into meaningless communication and activities when they really have not much substance. I don't know. I've been that way myself, and still trying to work on it. In my case it's really an attention thing. I enjoy male attention and can be somewhat dishonest with myself and manipulative with regards to the male in question, just to get his attention. What I sometimes don't realize is that I fool myself into believing words without paying too much attention to real actions, dreaming myself into a special connection that isn't really there.....just to feel important and wanted. I know I'm doing that but somehow I'm like a drug addict that manipulates the truth in order to feel better and get the next attention fix. And even though it's fake attention, not necessarily heartfelt, half-hearted and just a facade, it's better than no attention. I know I consciously overlook signs and give them a different meaning and find an excuse for red flags sometimes, and the op might do that also. It's also true that I'm usually not easily attracted to someone, so whenever I am, I try to cling to that, because it happens so rarely. I am more a black and white thinker when it comes to romantic relationships, so whenever I meet a guy that meets my white standards, I tend to obsess, overanalyze and manipulate, as soon as I feel that the attraction could turn into something one-sided.

[SJC2008]

I do have my own life, I don't see them more than once a week and I rarely ever initiate contact or ask them out.

 

I'd have a problem with this. As a man I know it's our "job" to court and I belevie that the man should be the pursuer and ask the women out and prgress the courtship. TBS I'm not going to chase a dead fish. To x percentage of women, just showing up on dates is their "effort". If a woman doesn't initiate contact with me before the 4th date I'm probably going to drop her.

 

I am not playing hard to get (always accept if they ask me in advance and I want to see them) but I am also not chasing them with texts or asking them out myself.

 

In your mind you may not be playing hard to get but to the men you date you may be comming accross that way. If I were dating you I'd think you were luke warm about me or playing hard to get. This may or may not be a reason these men are disappearing on you. I don't know, it's what stood out to me.