Ladies, how do you stay emotionally detached during the first few weeks of dating?

[Graduate]

The way I see it, he made you the favor to show his ****ty character from the start. If I were you I would only thank him for disappearing. We don't have time to waste on idiots now do we?

 

Well, it wasn't from the start. He was a perfect gentleman for a month, and I guess he still is, only he has not contacted me in a week probably because he lost interest. I don't think he is a bad guy, I just think that for some reason he decided not to pursue it further.

 

Part of me thinks it is worth finding out the reason, in case it is a misunderstanding. (For example he admitted to me that he feels quite insecure when it comes to me, he thinks I am way out of his league and every time we meet he wonders if I will show up or just cancel last minute. He also said that he is always convinced that I am not going to like him before we go on a date. So part of me wonders if I did not make it clear that I like him and he 'gave up'.)

 

The other part thinks the reason does not matter. If he wanted to continue dating me, he would keep asking me out and not just disappear. Especially since he had asked me out on our last date and I agreed. However, since he did not contact me about it afterwards we never firmed up the details.

[Graduate]

In your mind you may not be playing hard to get but to the men you date you may be comming accross that way. If I were dating you I'd think you were luke warm about me or playing hard to get. This may or may not be a reason these men are disappearing on you. I don't know, it's what stood out to me.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me, and I wonder if that is what happened. Hmm...

[Sunfire73]

I dated enough in 2 years, probably 20, before I found my bf. I don't invest too much during the first month if they ever reach that. To me dating is finding out about a person and getting to know them better. It's not only how I feel when we're together, but even when we're not. Does he always think of me all the time, does he date others, etc. And no we didn't have to communicate everyday, no everyday good morning texts or good night texts. I did that with my first bf and didn't work out. Turned out he was not ready for something serious. So right now, I just let it flow and progress slowly. Yes, I had boundaries like I have to see him at least 2x a week, and we should be exclusive. But I have not dropped my other lives, such as family, friends and hobbies.

 

During the first few months, you're still trying to find out if that person is for you or not, so don't take it personally if they disappeared. You can actually do the same too, if for some reason, you find something which you can't accept. It's only a few months, better sooner than later. You can send a follow up phone call, or text to find out about them, but give yourself a deadline, and then move on.

 

Just be a high value, confident person who don't depend on anyone for their happiness. Equally High value emotionally available guys who want a relationship shouldn't drop you once they find someone they value. They want happy and stable people and would stick to them. If they don't, then there are more fish in the ocean.

[oldshirt]

Aww! But I've never actually disappeared on anybody. I think it might be easier since I am the girl and therefore don't usually initiate contact anyway. But I never just stopped replying to messages if I went on a date with someone and they did not do anything rude. If I am no longer interested I always send a message saying something like: 'Thank you for a nice dinner. I think you are a really great guy, but I don't think we would be a romantic match. All the best for the future!"

 

I'll be blunt - that's not good enough in today's dating market place.

 

In days of yore, men were expecting to do all the heavy lifting and expected to be the ones to initiate and plan out all the dates. That just isn't going to cut it for most women in today's market.

 

Men are less assertive and less pursuant towards traditional masculine roles as they were 30 years ago. In today's market if you aren't at least showing some active participation and at least some initiative, most guys are just going to move along.

 

Quite frankly if I have asked a lady out on several dates and have been doing a lot of texting and what not, and the only thing I am getting back from her is feedback and reactionary responses to the things I have initiated, I would probably move on too and I am almost 50 years old.

 

If I am going to invest in a woman and see her as serious R material, I am going to need to see some initiative and active participation from her after a certain point. I can take countless women out and show them a good time. There are women lined up down the street that would like to have me take them out for dinner/drinks/movies/conversation blah blah blah

 

If all they can come back with after a month and several dates are texts saying they had a nice time, then they are going to get left in the dust by the one that actually puts in some effort and shows some initiative and active participation in keeping the momentum going.

 

and I'm not just talking about sex here, that is a whole other topic.

 

more in next post....

[oldshirt]

... OK, the more you are writing and responding to people's posts, the more I am thinking you are simply needing to bump up your game a little bit more.

 

You are not doing anything wrong per se, just could be playing a little bit better.

 

I'm not saying you need to be out hustling the guys and I'm enough of a traditionalist to say that men should be men and should be the ones asking you out on the first date.

 

But there comes a point where a txt saying, .."I had fun last night..." just simply isn't good enough in today's market to sustain (or even develop) an ongoing relationship.

 

"...I had fun last night...." is a response. It is a reaction.

 

Even though it is positive and is a positive feedback to something they did, it is still a response. At some point most guys in today's market place are going to want to see what you have to offer and it is a reasonable desire.

 

If a guy has taken out two ladies on several dates and one of them takes the time and energy and initiate to call him up and offer him some activity that the two can share and the other simply txts him back to a response to his txts, which one do you think he is going to default to.

 

Now your grandmother can argue all she wants on gender roles and what is "right" but you also have to take a serious look at your competition out there.

 

There are "Ladies in waiting" and there are ladies taking the bull by the horns. Which ladies do you think are getting more bulls??????????

[Iguanna]

I don't understand this "obsession" people have with obsession I mean, if it's my character to be like this, why should I change for others to like me? I want to show my feelings openly and not play games. If the guy I'm dating has a problem with this, intimacy issues or whatever, obviously he's not for me, so it's better to have figured this early. It's a mistake to hide our true selves at the beginning of a relationship just to please him because one day we won't be able to pretend anymore and he will be surprised to see a totally different person. I mean, there is no reason for someone to pretend. There are people out there as well for us girls who like to show emotions at start. It's a good way to filter and "throw away" the ones who get scared or pushed or whatever.

 

Do NOT change for a man. Be yourselves and have the patience to find someone who will appreciate it. It may take a long time but at the end you'll find him. Only with the person with who you don't need to pretend will you be totally happy.

[Eggplant]

Here's an example, OP...

 

I was seeing a guy for more than two months. He was a gentleman, we shared mutual interests. Plenty of reciprocation back and forth... I was always happy to see him and enjoy time together. We'd only hug after dates, which was fine with me... and something we both agreed on in advance. He paints a picture of himself as someone who wants an emotional connection before sex... (we'll see, is what I'm thinking).

 

So, our intimacy is starting to grow, and things start slipping out.. He tells me he 'made up for lost time' after his divorce with a smile on his face. I meet his friends... He tells me one of them asked if he 'tapped that'... another couple... I went to a lot of trouble to make a very special dish for their party... He tells me later with a laugh that they asked my age and asked if we were dating or just effing. Nice. Nothing about my gift or anything nice about me? Ungrateful. Bad hosts. I'm thinking he's an *ss for sharing this with me too... and especially how he did it.

 

Oh, and he posted pics of me and him on a hiking trip and after a run on his FB. One of his friends says "Nice looking hide".

 

He's not getting bonus points for his choice of friends... ok, more time goes by. We talk about physical intimacy. Seems very insistent that I shave/wax down there (um, no). Claims to be ok with getting STD tested, then gets pissy and rude when we actually get there. Shows no knowledge of common diseases like herpes. Strike however many.

 

He starts making other little rude comments and cutdowns.

 

Guess what? He's gone. Officially dumped him this week after finally getting a chance to sit down with him and share my thoughts respectfully. He defended his friends and got defensive about the STD testing. Not surprising. I thought about just ending it and saying 'I'm not feeling it'... but we are members of the same hiking club. I wasn't going to blow him off without a conversation first. Anyway, that is what I'd do no matter what if I've spent that much time with someone.

 

So... this guy, clearly, does NOT value emotional intimacy before sex. He's just a poseur. God help any woman who'd have sex with him early. He's a complete a-hole once you scratch the surface a little.

 

Takes at least 2-3 months. AT LEAST.... before these things leak out.

 

Pay attention to the little things. How they talk about others. How they treat their family and friends... if you have that opportunity. He gives a great performance on the outside to his acquaintances... but he obviously sucks as a partner for any woman with an ounce of self-esteem.

 

The crass dialogue he kept up with his buddies was the a good red flag. It's so easy to willfully ignore that kind of thing when you are wishing it would work.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have to add (based on my experience from a first date 2 days ago LOL)... i think people are often accused of being obsessed or "cray cray" or stage 5 clingers if they rightly get upset / angry over blatant disrespect / being played by someone on the first date. For example, this guy asked me out, was pretty insistent on seeing me, etc., he shows up to the date, puts on his rudest mannerisms (including yawning loudly several times, cutting me off, etc.), then shakes my hand at the end of the night... I thought I didn't send the right signals about my interest.. so I email him the following day, saying I would like to get to know him more, so I would love to see him again some time if he's also interested.. he replies and gives me the "it's not you it's me" tripe, along with -- he wants to know more about me, etc. So I was pretty confused at this point -- he either wants me/i s ready for a relationship (eventually) or he isn't, so what's the point, if he's a commitmentphobe? I don't want to get involved with someone who's not ready to date. Anyway, I decided that this must've been just a cliche statement to let me down gently (since he's on an online dating site -- why would he be, if he wasn't interested in dating?), and I called his bluff. I told him I've been around the block long enough to know that he used that statement to let me down gently because he wasn't interested , and that it's fine and that I appreciated that he let me know in one way or another that he wasn't all that interested, told him it was good to meet him, good luck, and bye . He then emails me and tells me that he had met someone the previous week on the airplane lol, and even though it was probably impossible for things to work out between him and that woman, he wanted to see things to the end... ( i am not sure why a stranger woman with whom he had only spent 2 hrs of his life and whom he had told he wasn't interested in, needed to know that ; I suspected he was being passive aggressive and trying to get me to chase after him or something ). He said he still wants to be my friend, though, that he feels we could be "good friends" (friends with benefits??!) and maybe something more down the line. Wait, what? So I'm supposed to stroke his ego and "wait for him", like a damsel in distress waiting for her prince charming who is busy f*cking random women he meets on the plane??? LOL I got really pissed off at the nerve he had to tell me that sh*t. I tore him a new one by email (no name-calling or anything, just pointing out the facts, and that I wasn't looking for a friend, that I can't be friends with someone who treats me and other people with disrespect, etc.), for having led me on by going on a date that he KNEW from the start that was not even interested in taking further (just to see if he could do an upgrade on his airplane-woman) and told him I don't want to be friends with him and cannot in fact be friends with someone who disrespects me in this way or treats people like options he can upgrade on.

 

All this is to say: I had zero emotions invested in this man, and he was boring as f*ck (he may have been less boring if he had put in an iota of effort ; i attributed his lack of effort and yawning to him being tired since he claimed he had had a job interview earlier in the day -- he probably made more effort to deliberately be rude and get me to reject him than to actually give me a fair chance and find out what I was all about in person). But he disrespected me and insulted my intelligence, then started acting like he was god's gift to womankind and that I could wait for him if I liked him enough -- and I had to tell him off for that. He then told me that he was thankful I had "showed my true colours" and that I was closing doors because I was angry and resentful (what doors? the door to his genitalia? lol) Essentially making me look like I was cray cray for getting insulted at this blatant passive aggressiveness/disrespect. It doesn't make one obsessed or a stage 5 clinger to demand respect and establish boundaries. Anyway, I deleted him from everywhere, and stopped contact right away. A lot of people make potential dates/girlfriends/boyfriends seem obsessed/crazy/stage 5 clingers, and people internalize this, and this stops them from establishing boundaries and expecting/demanding a modicum of respect, unfortunately.

Edited November 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Iguanna]

NoMoreJerks you made me laugh so much, you have a gift in writing. How about you make a blog with all these stories? It would be fun

[Graduate]

... OK, the more you are writing and responding to people's posts, the more I am thinking you are simply needing to bump up your game a little bit more.

 

Hm, assuming you are right, do you think it would be too late for me to contact him now? It's been a week since I last heard from him. I was the last to text and he never replied. Granted, he started the conversation and we went back and forth, but I was the last one to write, there was even a question in there and since then nothing.

 

Unfortunately I can't just send him a quick text, because two days in I deleted his number in order to stop me from sending out emotional or needy texts. But I do know his name and found him on facebook.

 

I thought I could either send him a message saying that I lost his number and am sorry if I ignored his messages (assuming he sent me any and I did not get them).

 

Or I could say that I realize he is no longer interested anymore and while I accept that, I would like to know if there was anything I did or said that drove him away. Because if it is something within my control I could try and not do it with the next guy.

 

The third option is to not contact him at all and hope that this gnawing feeling in my stomach goes away in a week or two.

 

What do you all think?

[4blossoms]

I have to say that most women tend to put men that they date on some kind of pedestal. I know because I do this too and end up stressing over some guy and end up going to forums like this to ask people advice about dating him. But back in college during my anti-establishment rebellion phase I dated a girl. She was actually very masculine, dressed like a guy, acted like a guy, and talked about wishing she had been born a boy. She looked like a more manly version of Justin Bieber and sexually behaved like a guy (think Hilary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry"). She was as hot as any of the cutest guys I'd ever dated and was by all accounts a guy but without a guy's...equipment. And basically, I didn't pay much attention to her. I mean, I had all the romantic feelings, felt butterflies and passion. Because she was so masculine in personality I was more attracted to her than many men I've dated. But I never once moped and pined for her. I was always focused on my life--trying to make good grades, get internships, develop new hobbies. She never took center stage in my life like the guys I've dated even though I was less attracted to some of those guys.

 

So, from this experience I can only conclude that I've somehow put men on a pedestal and I (and maybe other women) think a man's love is so precious and has to be earned. But while dating this girl I'd thought that it was natural that she would like me because I believed I was an attractive person inside and out. Maybe constantly feeling desperate for a man's love and like you must work hard to "earn" it has something to do with how your parents related to each other and how important your father was in relation to your mother?

[mickleb]

Hm, assuming you are right, do you think it would be too late for me to contact him now? It's been a week since I last heard from him. I was the last to text and he never replied. Granted, he started the conversation and we went back and forth, but I was the last one to write, there was even a question in there and since then nothing.

 

Unfortunately I can't just send him a quick text, because two days in I deleted his number in order to stop me from sending out emotional or needy texts. But I do know his name and found him on facebook.

 

I thought I could either send him a message saying that I lost his number and am sorry if I ignored his messages (assuming he sent me any and I did not get them).

 

Or I could say that I realize he is no longer interested anymore and while I accept that, I would like to know if there was anything I did or said that drove him away. Because if it is something within my control I could try and not do it with the next guy.

 

The third option is to not contact him at all and hope that this gnawing feeling in my stomach goes away in a week or two.

 

What do you all think?

 

You have attempted to talk the talk on this thread, and one suspects, in real life. But lady, you are not walking the walk.

 

You came across as level-headed, reasonable, even sensible but your words betrayed your intentions. Your last few posts have revealed to us what you reveal with 4 weeks to these guys: you are Stage 5 Clinger material.

 

Yes, that must sound harsh but it's better to face it now than a) scaring others away and b) still giving a **** when they've unceremoniously dumped you.

 

You WILL NOT contact the last ******* in your address book. He treated you like sh*t. You will, however, realise that these 'feelings' you claim to have had for so many like him amount to nothing more than a hill of beans pretty quickly. You didn't 'fall' for any of them because you got over them all pretty easily, really, didn't you? If you're thinking 'no' then how did you manage to 'fall' for the next one, and the next one, within a month of knowing them all?

 

You have felt no significant feelings for any of them. It is impossible to do so after 4 weeks. And this is the key to your 'recovery'. Remember, every night after a pleasant date with a guy, that the giddiness you experience is temporary bullcrap. It is not love. It is, essentially, meaningless until months and months (maybe years?) down the line. It is as meaningful as a hard-on.

 

Respond accordingly when a guy treats you nicely (from the get-go: no-one deserves to be judged solely on a person's past experiences) but stop your own head from spinning by remembering that your own deceitful feelings of infatuation are poisonous. I know! It's not exactly Disney, but life isn't.

 

Sure, allow yourself to be pleased when you appear to have found some nice guy. But that's all. You are just pleased. Pleased you had a nice day out today, not anywhere near needing that guy in your life, or even expecting him to call again. He might not, and what do you care? A decent sandwich is pleasing, so go make one of those instead.

 

If you think for one second that guys can't sense your clinger potential a mile off, you are in for a few more rounds of 'heartbreak'. But I assure you, even if you hogged it up with a really decent catch (and a guy who can't even tell you he doesn't want to see you again is never one of those), you'd be over the worst of it within three months.

 

As you know very well, feelings pass, so why care too much about them?

[RedRobin]

I have to add (based on my experience from a first date 2 days ago LOL)... i think people are often accused of being obsessed or "cray cray" or stage 5 clingers if they rightly get upset / angry over blatant disrespect / being played by someone on the first date. For example, this guy asked me out, was pretty insistent on seeing me, etc., he shows up to the date, puts on his rudest mannerisms (including yawning loudly several times, cutting me off, etc.), then shakes my hand at the end of the night... I thought I didn't send the right signals about my interest.. so I email him the following day, saying I would like to get to know him more, so I would love to see him again some time if he's also interested.. he replies and gives me the "it's not you it's me" tripe, along with -- he wants to know more about me, etc. So I was pretty confused at this point -- he either wants me/i s ready for a relationship (eventually) or he isn't, so what's the point, if he's a commitmentphobe? I don't want to get involved with someone who's not ready to date. Anyway, I decided that this must've been just a cliche statement to let me down gently (since he's on an online dating site -- why would he be, if he wasn't interested in dating?), and I called his bluff. I told him I've been around the block long enough to know that he used that statement to let me down gently because he wasn't interested , and that it's fine and that I appreciated that he let me know in one way or another that he wasn't all that interested, told him it was good to meet him, good luck, and bye . He then emails me and tells me that he had met someone the previous week on the airplane lol, and even though it was probably impossible for things to work out between him and that woman, he wanted to see things to the end... ( i am not sure why a stranger woman with whom he had only spent 2 hrs of his life and whom he had told he wasn't interested in, needed to know that ; I suspected he was being passive aggressive and trying to get me to chase after him or something ). He said he still wants to be my friend, though, that he feels we could be "good friends" (friends with benefits??!) and maybe something more down the line. Wait, what? So I'm supposed to stroke his ego and "wait for him", like a damsel in distress waiting for her prince charming who is busy f*cking random women he meets on the plane??? LOL I got really pissed off at the nerve he had to tell me that sh*t. I tore him a new one by email (no name-calling or anything, just pointing out the facts, and that I wasn't looking for a friend, that I can't be friends with someone who treats me and other people with disrespect, etc.), for having led me on by going on a date that he KNEW from the start that was not even interested in taking further (just to see if he could do an upgrade on his airplane-woman) and told him I don't want to be friends with him and cannot in fact be friends with someone who disrespects me in this way or treats people like options he can upgrade on.

 

All this is to say: I had zero emotions invested in this man, and he was boring as f*ck (he may have been less boring if he had put in an iota of effort ; i attributed his lack of effort and yawning to him being tired since he claimed he had had a job interview earlier in the day -- he probably made more effort to deliberately be rude and get me to reject him than to actually give me a fair chance and find out what I was all about in person). But he disrespected me and insulted my intelligence, then started acting like he was god's gift to womankind and that I could wait for him if I liked him enough -- and I had to tell him off for that. He then told me that he was thankful I had "showed my true colours" and that I was closing doors because I was angry and resentful (what doors? the door to his genitalia? lol) Essentially making me look like I was cray cray for getting insulted at this blatant passive aggressiveness/disrespect. It doesn't make one obsessed or a stage 5 clinger to demand respect and establish boundaries. Anyway, I deleted him from everywhere, and stopped contact right away. A lot of people make potential dates/girlfriends/boyfriends seem obsessed/crazy/stage 5 clingers, and people internalize this, and this stops them from establishing boundaries and expecting/demanding a modicum of respect, unfortunately.

 

There are lots of 'men' out there being a-holes and getting away with it (to some extent) because being rude and low-class has somehow been equated with being a 'man' by immature people these days.

 

I say people, because lots of women internalize the bad behavior of these 'men' rather than just gracefully walk away.

 

Even I had to think hard about giving the guy I posted about any of my time whatsoever to bother explaining or discussing how I felt about his and his friend's behavior. I'm betting no other women told him that.

 

Sometimes I find the best 'revenge' is letting the other person continue to drift through life without a clue. Like broccoli on the teeth that no one tells them about.

 

The best part is being able to decide how, when, or if to confront someone. Your boundaries don't change just because you call someone out on something. You can demonstrate your boundaries in all kinds of ways...

 

Otherwise, don't waste your breath on those who have no stake in respecting them or modifying their behavior. It just brings you down to their level.

[joystickd]

There are lots of 'men' out there being a-holes and getting away with it (to some extent) because being rude and low-class has somehow been equated with being a 'man' by immature people these days.

 

I say people, because lots of women internalize the bad behavior of these 'men' rather than just gracefully walk away.

 

Even I had to think hard about giving the guy I posted about any of my time whatsoever to bother explaining or discussing how I felt about his and his friend's behavior. I'm betting no other women told him that.

 

Sometimes I find the best 'revenge' is letting the other person continue to drift through life without a clue. Like broccoli on the teeth that no one tells them about.

 

The best part is being able to decide how, when, or if to confront someone. Your boundaries don't change just because you call someone out on something. You can demonstrate your boundaries in all kinds of ways...

 

Otherwise, don't waste your breath on those who have no stake in respecting them or modifying their behavior. It just brings you down to their level.

With some women it's the best thing to be an a-hole. I see that especially after my experience with someone that started out as a friend.

[Graduate]

Your last few posts have revealed to us what you reveal with 4 weeks to these guys: you are Stage 5 Clinger material.

 

Hi Mick, that was a bit harsh, but I appreciate the tough love.

 

One question though, why do you say I am a stage 5 clinger? Isn't that someone who calls constantly and tries to see a guy all the time? And maybe even professes their love within a few weeks?

 

Whereas when I date a guy, even if I like him, I barely ever initiate contact or ask him out in the beginning. I also don't tell them that I like them, even if they say so first. For example, on our last date he said: 'I really like you!' My reply was: "that is really sweet of you". Now I am kicking myself, thinking I might have played it too cool.

 

Are you saying that even if I don't do or say anything too clingy in the beginning, the guys can sense that I have a clingy personality? Hmm.

 

Also, in reply to your other points, I realize that I am not 'in love' with them at the point they disappear, and remembering how I felt the last time I got dumped and how I 'survived' makes it easier for me to handle rejection, but it still sucks and sometimes I think about the guy for a few months. So it is not like I forget them in a few days.

 

And while I can deal with the ending, sort of, I am looking for techniques to not get attached too quickly, which some people have posted really good advice in this thread on, so thanks a lot!

[NoMoreJerks]

There are lots of 'men' out there being a-holes and getting away with it (to some extent) because being rude and low-class has somehow been equated with being a 'man' by immature people these days.

 

I say people, because lots of women internalize the bad behavior of these 'men' rather than just gracefully walk away.

 

Even I had to think hard about giving the guy I posted about any of my time whatsoever to bother explaining or discussing how I felt about his and his friend's behavior. I'm betting no other women told him that.

 

Sometimes I find the best 'revenge' is letting the other person continue to drift through life without a clue. Like broccoli on the teeth that no one tells them about.

 

The best part is being able to decide how, when, or if to confront someone. Your boundaries don't change just because you call someone out on something. You can demonstrate your boundaries in all kinds of ways...

 

Otherwise, don't waste your breath on those who have no stake in respecting them or modifying their behavior. It just brings you down to their level.

Oh yeah -- I know that. I considered going silent on him in response, but all things considered, I just felt like I'd be rewarding him by acting like it was merely about us not "clicking." You know? This guy dragged me out, treated me like sh*t, then told me he wasn't interested, then when I gracefully made my exit, he started telling me there was someone better that he wanted to pursue even knowing it wouldn't work out with her-- all the while making it like I was desperate enough to stay in touch with him that I'd jump on his offer of friendship. Thanks but no thanks, and I'll surely give him a piece of my mind, and I don't care what the POS thinks about me! The important thing is not to internalize what others might think about you when you respond to their sh*tty behavior. It doesn't make me a crazy person to respond to this man's BS and disrespect. Sure, it doesn't make him respect my boundaries any more than before -- but this is more about my own self-respect than needing validation from him!

[RedRobin]

The crass dialogue he kept up with his buddies was the a good red flag. It's so easy to willfully ignore that kind of thing when you are wishing it would work.

 

I definitely didn't ignore it. The things I mentioned leaked out bit by bit over the course of those 2-3 months.

 

It was those comments, tied with his lack of knowledge about STDs, his behavior in the clinic, and insistence on certain, um, physical attributes is what showed the disconnect between what he said he was looking for and his actions...

[oldshirt]

Hm, assuming you are right, do you think it would be too late for me to contact him now? It's been a week since I last heard from him. I was the last to text and he never replied. Granted, he started the conversation and we went back and forth, but I was the last one to write, there was even a question in there and since then nothing.

 

Unfortunately I can't just send him a quick text, because two days in I deleted his number in order to stop me from sending out emotional or needy texts. But I do know his name and found him on facebook.

 

I thought I could either send him a message saying that I lost his number and am sorry if I ignored his messages (assuming he sent me any and I did not get them).

 

Or I could say that I realize he is no longer interested anymore and while I accept that, I would like to know if there was anything I did or said that drove him away. Because if it is something within my control I could try and not do it with the next guy.

 

The third option is to not contact him at all and hope that this gnawing feeling in my stomach goes away in a week or two.

 

What do you all think?

 

 

I think you are way over thinking all of this. You had four dates right????

 

I didn't even know my wife's parents or siblings names by our 4th date.

 

Anyway, lets get back to the task at hand. Men are simple creatures, they don't have all these layers of complexities and confusions and chaos in their heads. While you are fretting and stewing over all these complex emotions and scenarios, this guy is wondering if his burrito for lunch is going to make him gas out everyone at work for the rest of the afternoon LOL

 

I learned this from Ann Landers 30-plus years when she explained this to a 17 year old girl that was carrying on much the same way with you. She explained that boys don't formally break up with girls. They just stop calling and stop coming around.

 

I agree with that to large extent. A guy will take a girl out a time or two and if he's not feeling the love, he'll just go on about his business and not give it any more thought.

 

Here's my challenge though. What makes men "feel the love" is when they feel that the woman is into them and is investing something back into the relationship too.

 

A follow up txt saying, "...I had a nice time.." is simply polite response to being entertained for an evening. It is not any kind of affirmative, pro-active investment into a relationship (I'm using the term relationship very loosely and very general here)

 

So here's my suggestion, Take a look through the newspaper or your community's website and find some activity that is taking place that you would be interested in. I don't care if it is a play/musical, piano bar, movie, farmers market, cage fight, demolition derby, wine tasting, bull riding, drag show, whatever. Then call up one of these guys that you have seen in the last month or so and ask him if he would like to join you.

 

That's it. that's all you have to do. I'm putting my money on he will either say yes or he will have something else going on and will be open to something else at different time.

 

If he says no, say ok, hope we can run into each other again one of these days and then call up the next guy on your list. If he says no call up the next and so on and so on.

 

Do that and then check back in here and give us the update. You can PM me too if you'd rather do it privately.

[joystickd]

Why even worry about being emotionally detached? Why not just enjoy the moment of being with someone and enjoying their company instead of trying to figure out everything?

[oldshirt]

Hi Mick, that was a bit harsh, but I appreciate the tough love.

 

 

 

I agree that any accusations of being a clinger or desperate or anything like that is overly harsh and inaccurate.

 

Nothing you have said indicates that you have been clingy at all or that you are showing any maladaptive or dysfunctional behavior.

 

You haven't indicated you have been heartbroke or losing the love of your life every 3 weeks. You're not cutting yourself or carving these guy's names into your forearms or stalking them or calling them drunk at 3 in the morning crying into the phone.

 

You're not going over to their house offering them a free booty call at closing time in hopes of getting them to like you and you aren't making your girlfriends lives miserable with all your belly-aching and butt-bleeding about not being able to keep a BF.

 

You're not doing the Nancy Karrigan, "WHY? WHYYY? WHYYYYYY?" howl.

 

If anything, I think you need to bump your girl game up one teensy weensy little notch and show a little more initiative and be a little more proactive with the people you genuinely are interested in.

[oldshirt]

Why even worry about being emotionally detached? Why not just enjoy the moment of being with someone and enjoying their company instead of trying to figure out everything?

 

Because she has ovaries. Ovaries make people fuss and stew and worry about things that will happen a bare minimum of 25 steps into the future.

[joystickd]

Because she has ovaries. Ovaries make people fuss and stew and worry about things that will happen a bare minimum of 25 steps into the future.

Ovaries. Come on men and women worry about analyzing things so much. That was one of the problems I had I think I had analyzed so much it ended up messing up my confidence level with my recent situation and also her playing games. I expected things to move a certain way and when they didn't it messed my world up. Overall men and women in dating need to just enjoy each other's company and if it's not going the way you want it have the courage to just end it.

[oldshirt]

Ovaries. Come on men and women worry about analyzing things so much. That was one of the problems I had I think I had analyzed so much it ended up messing up my confidence level with my recent situation and also her playing games. I expected things to move a certain way and when they didn't it messed my world up. Overall men and women in dating need to just enjoy each other's company and if it's not going the way you want it have the courage to just end it.

 

I'm not really disagreeing with anything you said. Just be aware that if you had ovaries you would have fussed and stewed 10 times worse.

[RedRobin]

Hi Mick, that was a bit harsh, but I appreciate the tough love.

 

One question though, why do you say I am a stage 5 clinger? Isn't that someone who calls constantly and tries to see a guy all the time? And maybe even professes their love within a few weeks?

 

Whereas when I date a guy, even if I like him, I barely ever initiate contact or ask him out in the beginning. I also don't tell them that I like them, even if they say so first. For example, on our last date he said: 'I really like you!' My reply was: "that is really sweet of you". Now I am kicking myself, thinking I might have played it too cool.

 

Are you saying that even if I don't do or say anything too clingy in the beginning, the guys can sense that I have a clingy personality? Hmm.

 

Also, in reply to your other points, I realize that I am not 'in love' with them at the point they disappear, and remembering how I felt the last time I got dumped and how I 'survived' makes it easier for me to handle rejection, but it still sucks and sometimes I think about the guy for a few months. So it is not like I forget them in a few days.

 

And while I can deal with the ending, sort of, I am looking for techniques to not get attached too quickly, which some people have posted really good advice in this thread on, so thanks a lot!

 

I don't think you are a 'clinger'...

 

You are looking for closure and resolution. Thing is, not sure if another conversation or 10 conversations with this guy is going to give you any real closure.

 

At some point, you just have to accept it isn't going to work and move on. Decide right now that you won't go chasing after a person who 'poofs'...

 

... and if you feel you need to do something different with the next guy, then do that. No need to second guess this one anymore... and anyway, even if you DID say you liked him back... does it mean that he really MEANT it when he said he liked you? No, it doesn't. He obviously didn't 'like' you enough to say a polite farewell. Which shows even more that he's not worth your brain space.

 

Look at the cloud of BS I waded through with the last guy. Why did I bother? Because we had some fun dates and I'm not in a rush. He showed his true colors soon enough. *shrug*. Even better, I learned a few things about the behavior of some fellow members of the hiking group I'm in that I'd have a hard time learning in other ways. Double bonus!!

 

Sure, it's disappointing when you are hoping for a different outcome, but that's life... the posts by Oldshirt were a good analogy. Dust yourself off and jump back in. Don't take it personally that you have stuff to learn. Everyone does.

[NoMoreJerks]

NoMoreJerks you made me laugh so much, you have a gift in writing. How about you make a blog with all these stories? It would be fun

lol... strongly considering it.. if i had a penny for all these sh*tty people I've come across while dating or even going about minding my own business, I'd be a billionaire by now. The latest one is , a guy walking in a department store, and seeing my cleavage (I am well endowed and was wearing a slightly revealing top lol) , yelled "boob!" as he passed me by. WTF? The level of (im)maturity of some people (I can only talk about my experience with men as I am a woman) is.. mindblowing. To relate this to the OP's post: ignore people who accuse you being a clinger. Please. Just because you let your interest in a guy known, or make some mistakes in contacting him a few times after he gives you hints (and not explicitly says) that he's not interested or sees you as an option, doesn't mean you're a clinger. Men who think of you that way need to become more mature.

 

I don't think emotional detachment means you shouldn't feel disappointed or hurt when rejected. It's human to feel hurt when someone says he doesn't think you're good enough for him, or that some other person is better than you, in his view. But it's important to also keep in mind that he's only one person (even if many people have said it, it's not like there's a collective verdict on you, it's just that a bunch of individuals didn't think you were good enough for them). The right attitude is to think that it's their loss, and that you don't want to end up with someone who doesn't appreciate you anyway. I think this way especially with men who don't even give me the chance, who discard me just because they did not feel some immediate connection or spark. Meh -- their loss. I don't want to know someone who doesn't even take the time during our first date to listen to me and give me chance -- he wrote me off before I could open my mouth. Same goes for 4th date or whatever. It takes a lot more than 4 dates to really get to know someone. And if he saw some things that he doesn't think fit with his personality, it's fine -- but the real gentlemen are those who will tell you the truth, in my opinion -- not give you some BS like ,it's not you it's me, and then going off and f*cking or dating some other woman... it's important to give someone a bit of closure, in a decent, considerate way. Even if it's after the first date and there are no emotions invested. That's just my opinion. I think you shouldn't shut down your feelings of rejection and hurt/disappointment. Don't believe anyone who says you shouldn't have expectations when going on a first date: we all do: we expect to find someone, to like this person, etc. If we had a good time, we expect to go on a second date. Expectation is hope. Without hope, what's the point in even dating ? We're not robots. I'm not saying go into a first date with the expectation of marrying the guy, but if you decide to meet someone, chances are, you think they're a potential match and you're hoping they might be. If you're not hoping that they'd be a match, you might as well not go to the date, if you're going with the attitude that they won't be, or that you don't care either way. It means you don't really attach any value to meeting that person.. this is what this guy was essentially telling me, while trying to be my friend (and string me along) - that he doesn't care either way if it doesn't turn into a romantic thing. What does that say to me? He doesn't value me that way, and since I never went into this with the intention of finding friends, I don't want to waste my time on him: he doesn't value me the way I expect decent people to value me, even if he might turn me down due to his belief that we're not compatible, etc.