Ladies, how do you stay emotionally detached during the first few weeks of dating?

[Graduate]

To anybody who is interested in a follow-up:

 

I had not heard from him since I last posted, but today I received a message from him wishing me a Happy New Year. He also stated that he did not contact me anymore because he got the impression that I was not very interested in him. Looks like he had hoped I was going to get in touch again, but when I did not he figured I lost interest.

 

Not sure why he decided to contact me now, after a month went by, but it looks like old shirt was correct and I was not showing enough interest.

 

I am not sure whether I should reply. I mean, I did like him, but he just disappeared and never contacted me again. Not sure I want to be dating someone like that anyway, plus, I am quite certain he was dating others as well and probably decided to go with one that showed more interest. Guess that did not work out and so he thought he might check if I am still interested. Makes me feel like his second choice. Hmm...

 

Anyway, from now on I am going to make sure that I clearly show a guy if I like him, so in a way this was no waste of time, but a valuable lesson to be learned.

[winny]

I think you are right... he found someone else he liked more... it didn't work out so he came back to you...

 

These are the kind of guys who disappear without saying anything... coz then they can come back anytime with a silly excuse...

Edited January 3, 2014 by winny
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[Ibaadat]

My question is, how can you continue to meet men and continuously get attached over and over and over again in spite them disappearing on you? Where do you get the motivation and desire to do that?

 

It seems like many women have no limits and an unlimited amount of reserve, energy and time to invest wildly into men they think have potential.

 

I mean you meet a guy, he seems "great" at first of course...even though you just met the guy it's fireworks and "where could this lead?" all over again...I mean is it that simple? hard to place a real "value" on that if I'm being honest...it's like standing outside a mall and every shopper that comes out you think could be Mr. or Miss right, so the guy who you like and gives you a 5 minutes conversation you're all excited over.

 

The problem mainly is over-investing, committing too much emotional time and energy into men without really knowing who they are or even what they're after...the unfortunate part is any man can be anyone in the beginning and it's mainly a facade, it's not the real person at the core...the real person has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad...however all that is swept to the side while intoxicated in this euphoria of blind excitement where you think guy is this and that...you don't know him, you don't know what he's about, you don't know if he's married, got a GF...who knows! these are all possible realities in the dating world of 2013. Yet of course you're going to blame yourself or think it was something you did if something goes wrong.

 

However mentally and emotionally, people haven't gotten up to speed on the situation and haven't learned to stop investing so much so early on with essentially a stranger...who could slip away into the night without warning, instead this Disney prince charming scenario is instead favored where all these magical and wonderful things are going to come of it.

 

You've got to be self-aware and know your limits, you've got to give things time to develop and not get ahead of yourself...you cannot let yourself just slip into another situation where you're knee deep into it because your best friend and her BF "f@cked on the first date within 3 minutes of meeting and they're in a long-term relationship so obviously it's going to work for me...see he took her seriously! it can happen" or some other idealistic view that's optimistic and seeing the good in people...get a headache hearing that one....instead of thinking or predicating the best case scenario just be balanced be open to the possibilities...give yourself time to actually access what is happening, ask questions, become a better communicator and pace yourself...but no, the whole mysticism and infatuation with someone new is all too alluring to listen to those little red beeps in your brain. So you keep it simple and just wish upon a star that everything is going to work itself out...thinking you know how he feels just because of how you feel.

 

So it's self-control, self-talk...something women expect of men to have, but none of themselves to have especially in the emotional aspect, if you don't know your limits and you can't essentially control yourself then the men who can pull interest and intrigue out of you quickly are often doing so because they know what they're doing...not because of "chemistry" necessarily, they just know how to push the buttons on women and play a nice game that they've been refining as they've gone along and learned from their own experiences.

 

And trust me there always going to have reasons of why they're walking away if they have to...and if they're smart, you'll completely buy into it.

 

These men out there are not necessarily hunting for relationships/marriages or long-term commitments with much determination because for men that's available on every corner (desirable men especially) and there's really little incentive to just shack up with the just any girl essentially...so if you make yourself available and open and constantly coming on strong with an intense sense of interest you're basically just like the rest of them and it's clear what you're after (which is not a bad thing if they're actually looking for someone "special" and he thinks you're it) otherwise you're pretty much leaving it up to the man to simply "choose" you when he himself doesn't even know you and might be turned off by the desperation in your behavior that he may feel you project in your behavior.

 

Many women seem to have no "standard" or expectation once the ball gets rolling and they seem to really like a guy, it's simply "OMG we slept together, now you're this magical man who I just can't possibly help myself from falling in love with unless...wait, are you available and I don't have to chase you? ummm sorry, I'm not "emotionally available" after all"

 

So live your own life, have your own things going on and don't make a man a priority so early on, or you're just "one of those girls" who are out there looking for a man to shack up with and tie down...for men it's not just some easy thing to do, like to go out there and just find some random person then invest emotionally like "OMG where could this go teehee", men are pretty selective about long-term commitment material and if you're only 90 percent of what they're looking for then a lot of them will simply move on if they have options and never even tell you a damn about it...doesn't mean they won't mess with the 90 percent and lower women however.

 

And another thing with men, if you're not it, you're not...there's no overcoming that unless you're hoping/asking him to settle, otherwise save yourself the heartbreak and move on...it's real simple though, women trying to complicate shet though because they want to believe they can change a mans mind, that's what it really is.

 

I have the same issue in life as the person starting the thread. I am investing time to learn my style, and improve. I like your answer alot, and have follow-up questions. So lets say the men dating style you described here, is adopted by a woman, let's say myself. I become selective in choosing who to emotionally invest in, don't think about the future and long term relationship fantasy, he calls, texts, wants to be with me, but does not appear to be looking for anything serious, and i also play cool and act like he does. will it ever take it anywhere? then, who will eventually bring a question, that hey where is it going? men can keep dating you without saying anything, and drop out when they are bored. so if we bring up the topic of where is it going, it makes us look desperate. so what is the middle solution? i seen men who were interested in being with me, enjoyin doing things, talkin on phone every day, but not for relationship....they were ready for relationship but not with me. and i dont know why. everyone, i have liked, is not ready for relationship with me, but is ready in general with someone else. if they were not attracted, didn't like me as a person, why would they even wanna hang out with me and call me every day. Extremely confused.

[Versacehottie]

I have the same issue in life as the person starting the thread. I am investing time to learn my style, and improve. I like your answer alot, and have follow-up questions. So lets say the men dating style you described here, is adopted by a woman, let's say myself. I become selective in choosing who to emotionally invest in, don't think about the future and long term relationship fantasy, he calls, texts, wants to be with me, but does not appear to be looking for anything serious, and i also play cool and act like he does. will it ever take it anywhere? then, who will eventually bring a question, that hey where is it going? men can keep dating you without saying anything, and drop out when they are bored. so if we bring up the topic of where is it going, it makes us look desperate. so what is the middle solution? i seen men who were interested in being with me, enjoyin doing things, talkin on phone every day, but not for relationship....they were ready for relationship but not with me. and i dont know why. everyone, i have liked, is not ready for relationship with me, but is ready in general with someone else. if they were not attracted, didn't like me as a person, why would they even wanna hang out with me and call me every day. Extremely confused.

 

The first thing that you say which can be answered, is "playing it cool". You have to BE cool. Basically, if you are going with the flow, it has to be because it's truly fine with you. If you are just pretending, you are already attached without his investment & at a disadvantage for getting what you want. There has to be a threshold for what you find acceptable. How long you would be casual? Would you be casual at all? What sorts of things you do/don't do when you are being casual? For example, if he's not my boyfriend or heading that direction, perhaps you won't spend your time talking to him every day. See? I think it's smart to kinda hint in the coolest, least pressure way possible WHAT TYPE of person you are in the first few dates. For example, if you are the type who expects dating to lead to a relationship find some way to insert that into the conversation in the 1st couple of times you see the guy. It's tricky without sounding crazy & pressuring. But if you listen to what guys say about girls, there are some girls they know are relationship material/girlfriend types. How do they know that? And why does it generally match with exactly the girls that have guys trying to be their boyfriends. Standards. I think a lot of it is giving off a vibe that you are going to move on if you base standards aren't met. Not being a bitch, but just basic things you expect from being in someone's life. That's goes back to the threshold at which things beyond that won't work for you. And you are 100% willing to walk. It's also an attitude that no one person is truly going to make or break your life. You will be fine with or without. Once you believe that & it comes out in your actions, you are in a stronger position. It's not always easy or fun. To set standards, sometimes you have to go against what is comfortable for you. I've generally found that when you set the bar, guys usually respond BETTER than if you don't set it. Read threads on here. Guys complain when their girl is a pushover or too easy (not only for sex). Setting standards show that you are valuable. Like if a handbag is $100 vs. $1000--the one people want (if they can get it) is the one that's harder to get, the $1000 one. So how does a person do that? By speaking up. Setting standards in your actions. Having a full life that they need to squeeze into in order to get time with you. Even if you are traditional and let a guy lead in a lot of respects, you can do things on your end to set the pace or show your standards. Then he should work to meet those. Trust me he is doing the same with you. Don't invest more than they have in you. Sounds harsh but why would you do anything else?

[rosedl]

The whole thing has me exhausted.

 

It takes so much energy to meet people, develop a real rapport, get on the same page.....I am really starting to prefer my dogs.

 

The last guy I didn't meet on a on-line site, we were friends. For a year and a half, friends and then I (stupidly) kissed him and I thought, YAY this is it.

 

Two years later, he broke up with me twice. He is a commitment phobe. Doesn't want a relationship....Swung from making life plans to running away.

Adored me, then wanted out. Came back the first time and then did the same thing again.

 

I think the secret is to STOP putting any man above yourself and just live your life. I am getting to the point (42) at last, where I feel like...you don't want to be with me. Don't. As if these emotionally unavailable men are doing us some big favor if they stick around....No thanks. I am tired of the scarcity mentality. Tired of the 'rules' and treating men like timid woodland creatures who will scamper away if I make any sudden movements. Tired of caring what they do or dont think. Tired of men wanting the thrill of the chase but not the kill. Boring.

 

I've dated. I've had long term relationships. I've been single. Single is starting to seem more and more preferable. I never thought I would say that but it is starting to really feel true. Most people in relationships are miserable after a short time. And, good relationships take a lot of work that usually the woman ends up precipitating. Right now, I just got majorly burned from my last relationship but I am GLAD to feel this way. Sure as hell beats the desire to go looking again.

 

I put everything I had into my last relationship for him to turn into a narcissistic Peter Pan who wanted to go hiking and x country skiing unencumbered without responsibility. And, he was in his 50s!

 

Its old. Its boring. Its downright stupid.

 

And, I am one of the women who can get a lot of dates because I have a great figure and look about 10 years younger then I am. God help you, if you don't meet their standards for thin/pretty/sexy...a double standard from what I see as most of them (at least in the 40s and up) are pretty soft and unremarkable in the looks area, yet they all seem to think they deserve a knockout. I will never get over these overweight and balding men who I hear lamenting the figures of women who aren't thin as if it is a personal affront to their senses. Entitled bs.

 

Ladies, really, we need to stop competing for these 'prizes' and just be happy on our own and allow them in only if they EARN it instead of acting like we are so lucky that they show up at all.