Ladies, how do you stay emotionally detached during the first few weeks of dating?

[Graduate]

Again, thank you all for your replies and advice. It is really good to read, especially that from the guys.

 

Of course it is confusing because there seem to be two opinions out there:

1) Let him woo you in the beginning and make him feel like he is 'earning you'

2) Don't hold back, be open and active from the beginning, reply to all messages, initiate contact, ask him out, etc.

 

I think I've done both in the past, but tend to fall more into category 2. Especially since in the past I've made the experience of meeting a guy, falling for him quickly, seeing him nearly every day, being open and honest with my feelings and it turning into a long term relationship. That has happened twice to me already, plus it fits my personality, because I like men, I enjoy their company and when I like someone I show them, men or women.

 

But since I end up getting hurt a lot by not protecting myself more emotionally, I think I'll try and take approach 1 from now on. Even more than I already do. I guess it will prevent me from getting hurt. Though I'd love to be strong enough to be open and available, but not getting hurt if a guy suddenly dumps me after a few weeks or months. Maybe that's what I should work on, not changing my behavior but my state of mind. I make friends easily and quickly and don't want to become someone who is guarded and distant. I guess I have to work on not taking it so darn personal when someone decides they don't want to be in my life anymore. Though rejection does sting like a mo-fo.

 

Thoughts?

[RedRobin]

Again, thank you all for your replies and advice. It is really good to read, especially that from the guys.

 

Of course it is confusing because there seem to be two opinions out there:

1) Let him woo you in the beginning and make him feel like he is 'earning you'

2) Don't hold back, be open and active from the beginning, reply to all messages, initiate contact, ask him out, etc.

 

I think I've done both in the past, but tend to fall more into category 2. Especially since in the past I've made the experience of meeting a guy, falling for him quickly, seeing him nearly every day, being open and honest with my feelings and it turning into a long term relationship. That has happened twice to me already, plus it fits my personality, because I like men, I enjoy their company and when I like someone I show them, men or women.

 

But since I end up getting hurt a lot by not protecting myself more emotionally, I think I'll try and take approach 1 from now on. Even more than I already do. I guess it will prevent me from getting hurt. Though I'd love to be strong enough to be open and available, but not getting hurt if a guy suddenly dumps me after a few weeks or months. Maybe that's what I should work on, not changing my behavior but my state of mind. I make friends easily and quickly and don't want to become someone who is guarded and distant. I guess I have to work on not taking it so darn personal when someone decides they don't want to be in my life anymore. Though rejection does sting like a mo-fo.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think the change of mind that might need to happen is that it is ok to be open and emotionally available... but more as a screening and learning process.

 

Not as a way to get someone to like you or for validation. In other words, see how they treat your acts of kindness. Don't get emotionally invested until and unless you see it authentically reciprocated.

 

Through my work with the public, I've learned to be very selective in what I share with people... You can still be open about 90% of things, and friendly and enthusiastic. But reserve what is special inside for those who earn it...

 

That's my 1.5 method.

Edited November 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[Eternal Sunshine]

Again, thank you all for your replies and advice. It is really good to read, especially that from the guys.

 

Of course it is confusing because there seem to be two opinions out there:

1) Let him woo you in the beginning and make him feel like he is 'earning you'

2) Don't hold back, be open and active from the beginning, reply to all messages, initiate contact, ask him out, etc.

 

I think I've done both in the past, but tend to fall more into category 2. Especially since in the past I've made the experience of meeting a guy, falling for him quickly, seeing him nearly every day, being open and honest with my feelings and it turning into a long term relationship. That has happened twice to me already, plus it fits my personality, because I like men, I enjoy their company and when I like someone I show them, men or women.

 

But since I end up getting hurt a lot by not protecting myself more emotionally, I think I'll try and take approach 1 from now on. Even more than I already do. I guess it will prevent me from getting hurt. Though I'd love to be strong enough to be open and available, but not getting hurt if a guy suddenly dumps me after a few weeks or months. Maybe that's what I should work on, not changing my behavior but my state of mind. I make friends easily and quickly and don't want to become someone who is guarded and distant. I guess I have to work on not taking it so darn personal when someone decides they don't want to be in my life anymore. Though rejection does sting like a mo-fo.

 

Thoughts?

 

I have seen this so many times: a man strongly woos me for weeks or months; I stay somewhat reserved, more because I'm cautious in general but as soon as I become open and kinder - they lose interest.

 

It's very hard for me to say anymore when a guy is genuinly interested or just enjoying the chase. The problem with games is that you will only keep those players hooked but you still lose them once you open up. So I suggest you don't play them. I second RRs advice.

[RedRobin]

Here's an example, OP...

 

I was seeing a guy for more than two months. He was a gentleman, we shared mutual interests. Plenty of reciprocation back and forth... I was always happy to see him and enjoy time together. We'd only hug after dates, which was fine with me... and something we both agreed on in advance. He paints a picture of himself as someone who wants an emotional connection before sex... (we'll see, is what I'm thinking).

 

So, our intimacy is starting to grow, and things start slipping out.. He tells me he 'made up for lost time' after his divorce with a smile on his face. I meet his friends... He tells me one of them asked if he 'tapped that'... another couple... I went to a lot of trouble to make a very special dish for their party... He tells me later with a laugh that they asked my age and asked if we were dating or just effing. Nice. Nothing about my gift or anything nice about me? Ungrateful. Bad hosts. I'm thinking he's an *ss for sharing this with me too... and especially how he did it.

 

Oh, and he posted pics of me and him on a hiking trip and after a run on his FB. One of his friends says "Nice looking hide".

 

He's not getting bonus points for his choice of friends... ok, more time goes by. We talk about physical intimacy. Seems very insistent that I shave/wax down there (um, no). Claims to be ok with getting STD tested, then gets pissy and rude when we actually get there. Shows no knowledge of common diseases like herpes. Strike however many.

 

He starts making other little rude comments and cutdowns.

 

Guess what? He's gone. Officially dumped him this week after finally getting a chance to sit down with him and share my thoughts respectfully. He defended his friends and got defensive about the STD testing. Not surprising. I thought about just ending it and saying 'I'm not feeling it'... but we are members of the same hiking club. I wasn't going to blow him off without a conversation first. Anyway, that is what I'd do no matter what if I've spent that much time with someone.

 

So... this guy, clearly, does NOT value emotional intimacy before sex. He's just a poseur. God help any woman who'd have sex with him early. He's a complete a-hole once you scratch the surface a little.

 

Takes at least 2-3 months. AT LEAST.... before these things leak out.

 

Pay attention to the little things. How they talk about others. How they treat their family and friends... if you have that opportunity. He gives a great performance on the outside to his acquaintances... but he obviously sucks as a partner for any woman with an ounce of self-esteem.

Edited November 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[Emilia]

So, our intimacy is starting to grow, and things start slipping out.. He tells me he 'made up for lost time' after his divorce with a smile on his face. I meet his friends... He tells me one of them asked if he 'tapped that'... another couple... I went to a lot of trouble to make a very special dish for their party... He tells me later with a laugh that they asked my age and asked if we were dating or just effing. Nice. Nothing about my gift or anything nice about me? Ungrateful. Bad hosts. I'm thinking he's an *ss for sharing this with me too... and especially how he did it.

 

Oh, and he posted pics of me and him on a hiking trip and after a run on his FB. One of his friends says "Nice looking hide".

 

He's not getting bonus points for his choice of friends...

This is how people talk RR unless they grew up exceptionally sheltered. You are thin skinned.

[RedRobin]

This is how people talk RR unless they grew up exceptionally sheltered. You are thin skinned.

 

No. My friends/family don't talk that way. They'd never be that disrespectful about someone I'd introduce to them. It's called good manners.

 

I'm sorry to hear that the people you associate with talk like that about others or you.

 

If I wanted to be talked about or treated like that, I'd just go pick up strange men in bars...

 

... but I'll add that I wasn't offended or even angry. It was useful information. He's obviously been quite promiscuous if his 'friends' talk about his dates that way... that, or they are just low class. Yes. Useful information.

Edited November 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[Eternal Sunshine]

No. My friends/family don't talk that way. They'd never be that disrespectful about someone I'd introduce to them. It's called good manners.

 

I'm sorry to hear that the people you associate with talk like that about others or you.

 

If I wanted to be talked about or treated like that, I'd just go pick up strange men in bars...

 

... but I'll add that I wasn't offended or even angry. It was useful information. He's obviously been quite promiscuous if his 'friends' talk about his dates that way... that, or they are just low class. Yes. Useful information.

 

I know what you mean. It's your personal preference and compatibility. You like your men cultured and classy. I am the same. My best friend is dating a guy who talks like your ex's friends. She doesn't mind.

[blueskyday]

I find this thread fascinating! I have bounced between the extremes of being somewhat aloof (but friendly and fun) and enthusiastically open and " all out there" like an open. Different inputs, same end result. Guys bailing after what seemed to be high interest. It left me head scratching in confusion.

 

I decided to be myself and present myself honestly, but reserve some sharing deeply intimate things for down the road. I gave "broad strokes" but saved the details of deeper feelings. I was excited and open, but honest about my expectations ( like exclusivity before sex). I kept things light and watched a guy's behavior. Basically, middle ground. This had worked well for me.

[RedRobin]

I know what you mean. It's your personal preference and compatibility. You like your men cultured and classy. I am the same. My best friend is dating a guy who talks like your ex's friends. She doesn't mind.

 

Classy, yes. Don't necessarily need cultured, but the two generally go together, it seems.

 

My family is blue collar... and I can shoot the shyte with the best of them... but it's not how I want to be treated by a partner, nor would I ever disrespect my partner by allowing people I call my friends to talk about him that way. Even though my family is blue collar, we don't treat people like that.

 

I don't personally know any man or woman who would be ok having their SO's friends talk about them like a cheap ho. Unless their self esteem is bad and she's used to being talked about like that.

 

... but like I say "Your preferences are your values". He's ok talking about people like that?? That shows me what his values are. We aren't compatible. Yep.

 

I did ask him if he'd be ok if people talked to or treated his daughters that way. No answer. Uh huh.

Edited November 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[oldshirt]

This is how people talk RR unless they grew up exceptionally sheltered. You are thin skinned.

 

Disagree.

 

 

Anyone that has an ounce of respect and decency will at least try to not be so boarish. Some of the less mature and less sophisticated may be thinking it, but if they have an ounce of tact and social skill, they won't say it.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. People that talk and interact like this when someone has a new GF/BF they are dating, are already jaded and rode hard and hung up wet.

 

RR was right to leave them all behind to wallow in their own muck.

[oldshirt]

 

... but I'll add that I wasn't offended or even angry. It was useful information. He's obviously been quite promiscuous if his 'friends' talk about his dates that way... that, or they are just low class. Yes. Useful information.

 

A very wise and healthy way to view that.

[Emilia]

Disagree.

 

Anyone that has an ounce of respect and decency will at least try to not be so boarish. Some of the less mature and less sophisticated may be thinking it, but if they have an ounce of tact and social skill, they won't say it.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. People that talk and interact like this when someone has a new GF/BF they are dating, are already jaded and rode hard and hung up wet.

 

RR was right to leave them all behind to wallow in their own muck.

Ha! They just hide it from you. Just because you don't hear it it doesn't matter it doesn't happen. People will make crude comments, use the f word regarding a stranger they barely know and - as I think you are of an older generation from previous posts - women do this too nowdays. It might be uncomfortable for some but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

Like I said, thin skinned. Personally, I prefer to hear it because I prefer reality and to know what people think as opposed to live in some sheltered fairy tale.

[RedRobin]

Sorry for the thread jack, OP. Just wanted to give you a very recent example of what it looks like to really work the filters on a potential relationship, while keeping your composure and also giving things the best shot.

 

It's not easy, but you can learn how to do it without compromising your enthusiasm and integrity.

[Iguanna]

It just happened to me again. I was dating a guy for a month, I thought everything was going great, he was in constant contact, asked me out regularly, told me he liked me, etc. But from one day to the next he just disappeared. Did not reply to my last text and never contacted me again.

 

The way I see it, he made you the favor to show his ****ty character from the start. If I were you I would only thank him for disappearing. We don't have time to waste on idiots now do we?

[Emilia]

My family is blue collar... and I can shoot the shyte with the best of them...

 

but it's not how I want to be treated by a partner, nor would I ever disrespect my partner by allowing people I call my friends to talk about him that way. Even though my family is blue collar, we don't treat people like that.

So you do it to others?

I don't personally know any man or woman who would be ok having their SO's friends talk about them like a cheap ho. Unless their self esteem is bad and she's used to being talked about like that.

Asking whether a stranger is serious or just casual? Maybe they used the 'f' word instead of something more polite but they don't know you. He wasn't a partner, just some guy you met and started dating. I agree about basic respect but some glib comment from a friend who doesn't even know you paints this guy bad? He could be the best friend, help him out when in genuinely trouble but swearing in front of a friend will put him in the naughty corner? Talk about judging people on superficiality. #realitycheck

[RedRobin]

Ha! They just hide it from you. Just because you don't hear it it doesn't matter it doesn't happen. People will make crude comments, use the f word regarding a stranger they barely know and - as I think you are of an older generation from previous posts - women do this too nowdays. It might be uncomfortable for some but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

Like I said, thin skinned. Personally, I prefer to hear it because I prefer reality and to know what people think as opposed to live in some sheltered fairy tale.

 

You might be surprised to know that people who don't have those bad habits generally don't think it either... or they certainly don't bother themselves to run around gossiping like high schoolers or asking lame questions about someone's private life.

 

They have better things to do and concern themselves with more important things... is what it looks like to me. But that's ok. If it works for you, fine. It's not 'thin-skin' to want to avoid people who act and talk like that.

 

Mostly, I just prefer being around those who focus on other things.

[RedRobin]

Asking whether a stranger is serious or just casual? Maybe they used the 'f' word instead of something more polite but they don't know you. He wasn't a partner, just some guy you met and started dating. I agree about basic respect but some glib comment from a friend who doesn't even know you paints this guy bad? He could be the best friend, help him out when in genuinely trouble but swearing in front of a friend will put him in the naughty corner? Talk about judging people on superficiality. #realitycheck

 

You are right. He wasn't a partner, and now definitely won't be because of how he and his friends talk about others who have only been polite and generous to them.

 

He had many friends like this... put together with his other comments = someone who doesn't treat women with respect. At all. What I think is that he's a washed up player, who is starting to strike out at the bars... realizing his time for messing around is coming to an end... and finally wants to try and settle down with someone who hasn't shared his sexual tours around the town.... but oopsie! Can't hide with friends and verbal tics like his.

 

Nice try.

 

Enough of this... we've monopolized the OP's thread too much already. Good day to you.

Edited November 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[oldshirt]

It is not exactly like that. I don't fall for every guy I meet. I might meet 30 guys per year, but I only date 3-5. So I am not just dating the first guy coming through the door. Some guys I go on one date with, some on two, most I only have one conversation with.

 

BUT, every once in a while, there is a guy that I really like from the get go, you know, you share a cup of coffee, you laugh, conversation is flowing easily, you are attracted to him, etc. You go home and get a text from him saying he had a great time and would I like to go out for dinner next week. I say yes, we meet the next weekend, go out for dinner and drinks, have a great time again, he is a perfect gentleman, next day he asks for another date, etc. Suddenly it is 4 weeks down the line, we have been on a few dates, everything seems to be going great, he contacts me daily, tells me about his life, friends, invites me to meet his social circle, etc. But then, one day, after a date I get no text saying he had a great time. I text him the next day thanking him for dinner (just in case his text got lost) he either replies saying, 'yeah, it was nice' or does not reply at all. Never contacts me again.

 

What am I doing wrong?

 

I'll be honest, I don' think you are doing anything wrong. I think you are managing this all quite well in fact.

 

Just because you do the right things and follow the proper protocols and do what all the textbooks tell you to do, doesn't mean that you are always going to be successful all of the time. and it doesn't mean that you won't get your ass kicked or even get seriously hurt.

 

I'll use a sports analogy. Take football for instance. You can take someone and teach them the proper way to hold,carry and throw the football. You can teach them the proper way to block and tackle. And you can run them through a wide variety of drills and practices and make sure that they understand all the rules, techniques and are competent at performing all the fundamental skills.

 

But them put them out on the field and in a real live game and they are going to get kicked on their asses a few times. drop the ball a few times. Throw an interception a few times and no matter how well they played they are always going to come off of the field at the end of the game dirty, smelly, bruised and bleeding to one degree or another. Some will even get seriously hurt.

 

For example, Joe Thiesman was arguably one of the best NFL quarterbacks and Lawrence Taylor was arguably one of the best linebackers of their time. In one play through no fault of either Thiesman or Taylor, Theisman's leg was snapped like a twig.

 

The same thing happens in love.

 

Like in sports, Love favors those who not only learn and employ the fundamental techigues but also play with passion and abandon for the love of the game and for the thrill in the moment. The greats are the ones that follow the rules and the techniques but are not consciously thinking and dwelling on the playbook but rather playing by their own passion and by "feel."

 

So bottom line here is follow your own passions and your heart. Don't try to dogmatically follow anyone's playbook. Go out, have fun, follow your heart and do what you feel comes naturally to you. the right one will eventually rise to the top and "stick".

[oldshirt]

Ha! They just hide it from you. Just because you don't hear it it doesn't matter it doesn't happen. People will make crude comments, use the f word regarding a stranger they barely know and - as I think you are of an older generation from previous posts - women do this too nowdays. It might be uncomfortable for some but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

Like I said, thin skinned. Personally, I prefer to hear it because I prefer reality and to know what people think as opposed to live in some sheltered fairy tale.

 

 

Yes, I understand. It happens and it's human nature.

 

It's also human nature to take a great big ol' smelly dump every day. You take one, I take one and everyone else on God's Green Earth takes one.

 

But we don't take that big ol' crap right in front of each other. We go off into the bathroom and do it in privacy behind closed doors so others don't have to be effected and impacted by our $hit.

 

Same thing here. If someone has class, manners, human decency and respect, they'll keep their crap to themselves. If they don't give a rats ass about you and don't care what you think and don't care of you are offended or grossed out, they'll dump their $hit right in front of you.

 

Each and every person has their own limit on how much of other people's crap they are going to put up with.

[oldshirt]

For example, Joe Thiesman was arguably one of the best NFL quarterbacks and Lawrence Taylor was arguably one of the best linebackers of their time. In one play through no fault of either Thiesman or Taylor, Theisman's leg was snapped like a twig.

 

 

I'll expand on this a little further. In this particular play it was Theisman that got hurt. It could have just as easily been Taylor.

 

I guarantee you, some where out there is a guy or maybe even multiple guys that have cried in their beer that Graduate was the fish that got away and that Graduate broke their hearts and just faded away like a fart in the wind.

 

There are guys right now that are whining to their buddies that they went out with this awesome chick named Graduate and that everything was just going fine and then out of nowhere they just never heard from her again or that in the course of a couple days things went from looking like potential to everything going flat.

 

I guarantee it.

[simplicity1]

OP, just wanted to say I think I'm going through a similar progression right now. Coming up on one month of dating, (6 dates in total), starting to get physically intimate and starting to let my emotional guard down, and simultaneously concerned he is now backing off, and worried he may now have disappeared completely since he hasn't read or responded to my last text from 12 hrs ago. Still holding on to hope though that he'll respond. [if I do get another chance to see him, what do I do differently??]

 

It seems to me that posters in this thread who talk about managing obsessive behaviors are giving the right sort of advice. Suppressing my emotional mind for a moment, my logical mind knows that obsessive behavior messes with (CONSUMES) my mind and causes me to be completely unable to focus on other things in my life. I start acting impulsively around him and start sending more texts to him. I get so excited because, just like you, I probably meet only 2-4 people a year who meet the bar for going on more than 1 date, and only maybe 0-2 who make it past 2 dates. So it feels more valuable to me and fuels obsessive behavior.

 

Anyway just wanted to reinforce that this post-one-month disappearing act seems to be a common course of action

[cluelessinES]

OP, just wanted to say I think I'm going through a similar progression right now. Coming up on one month of dating, (6 dates in total), starting to get physically intimate and starting to let my emotional guard down, and simultaneously concerned he is now backing off, and worried he may now have disappeared completely since he hasn't read or responded to my last text from 12 hrs ago. Still holding on to hope though that he'll respond. [if I do get another chance to see him, what do I do differently??]

 

It seems to me that posters in this thread who talk about managing obsessive behaviors are giving the right sort of advice. Suppressing my emotional mind for a moment, my logical mind knows that obsessive behavior messes with (CONSUMES) my mind and causes me to be completely unable to focus on other things in my life. I start acting impulsively around him and start sending more texts to him. I get so excited because, just like you, I probably meet only 2-4 people a year who meet the bar for going on more than 1 date, and only maybe 0-2 who make it past 2 dates. So it feels more valuable to me and fuels obsessive behavior.

 

Anyway just wanted to reinforce that this post-one-month disappearing act seems to be a common course of action

 

I completely relate to this too.

On the other hand: if a guy is not into you enough ( he's not answering your call/texts/does not want to see you) why would YOU want him?

I know we rarely meet people we like enough for 2nd dates but instead of obsessing over WHY he hasnt called, just ask yourself WHY would you want to be with someone that doesnt make you happy. You deserve a partner that is interested in you.

 

I once read a blog about signs that he is or is not into you. Cant remember the exact signs, but what stuck with me was: if you even have to ask, then he's not.

[oldshirt]

And when he dumps me I feel absolutely gutted. So how do you deal with it? Does anyone have a way of not getting attached too quickly, but still being emotionally available and not seeming uninterested?

 

One last thing to address your actual question and then I'll give the floor back to the ladies.

 

I think your most basic question here is, "how do I experience and enjoy what love/dating/romance/sexuality/etc has to offer and not get hurt?"

 

Simple answer is......

 

 

 

 

 

.....wait for it....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....you don't.

 

 

 

You're gonna get hurt. you may even get your heart broken and your leg snapped by Lawerence Taylor.

 

That ain't a gonna stop once you find the right one and are living happily ever after in your house with the white picket fence, 2.5 children and the dog either.

 

You can do one of two things. You can put yourself and your heart out there and play with your own special brand of personal passion and abandon and by your own feel and get your heart handed to you now and then.

 

Or you can become defensive and jaded and bitter and close up your heart and try to just use men for your own benefit at the moment and not really open yourself up for a real love and a real relationship.

 

The playbooks can only tell you how to play the game. they can't teach you how to not get dirty, smelly and bruised and banged up. Those things are part and parcel of the game.

 

If you are coming off the field at the end of the day with some ground in grass stains and dirt and some bumps and bruises, it means you were playing it the way it's meant to be played.

 

Love isn't for pussys. It's natural selection at work. Mother Nature never intended for the wimps to breed.

[oldshirt]

.....Now I'll quickly add that the important part of this whole process and the reason there is a playbook is so that there is an equal playing field and that no one is getting used and exploited.

 

I don't see that taking place here. I don't see you as getting used or exploited or mistreated in any way. I see no foul.

 

As I said earlier I think you are doing the right things and doing them reasonably well.

 

You're gonna get knocked on your ass a few times and your going to skin your knees and your gonna get dirty.

 

As long as you don't let anyone manipulate, abuse or mistreat you, you are doing ok. It's just a matter of getting back up going at again.

 

Play hard, play fair and play to win and one is going to stick.

[Graduate]

I guarantee you, some where out there is a guy or maybe even multiple guys that have cried in their beer that Graduate was the fish that got away and that Graduate broke their hearts and just faded away like a fart in the wind.

 

Aww! But I've never actually disappeared on anybody. I think it might be easier since I am the girl and therefore don't usually initiate contact anyway. But I never just stopped replying to messages if I went on a date with someone and they did not do anything rude. If I am no longer interested I always send a message saying something like: 'Thank you for a nice dinner. I think you are a really great guy, but I don't think we would be a romantic match. All the best for the future!"