Ladies, how do you stay emotionally detached during the first few weeks of dating?

[Dark_history]

The latest one is , a guy walking in a department store, and seeing my cleavage (I am well endowed and was wearing a slightly revealing top lol) , yelled "boob!" as he passed me by. WTF?.

 

Pic please or it didn't happen

[stillafool]

Don't text or talk multiple times through out the day.

Don't sext.

Meet once a week.

Don't sleep with him till at least 4 weeks.

Stop thinking about future only think of enjoying the time you meet him.

Make a list of qualities you are looking for and during initial few 4 or 5 dates, see how many of those does he actually meet.

Don't believe everything he tells you. Ask him to show it to you by action.

Continue going out with your girlfriends.

Spend time with family and make a rule not to talk to him or answer his texts when you are with family, friends or at work.

Take a break and go on trips and travel with friends. It frees up your mind.

If any other guy asks you out, then go.

Read some inspirational books and watch similar movies. It will give you confidence.

Take up some volunteer work, it will open your mind to things which are more important that your dating issues. It will divert your mind to other things.

Expand your life to include new things in it.

See if you want to study something new, take up some classes.

If there are areas in your resume which you feel can get better, then work on them.

 

Make your life much more than just dating a guy... involve your emotions and feelings in other things also

 

Tell your self that, if a guy likes you, he has to win your heart. He has to do the work. You are the prize. You are confident and secure. You don't need a guy to make you happy. You can be happy and content alone also. If a guy likes you, he has to prove to you by his actions that he can make your life better in some way if you make him a part of it. Until and unless a guy proves this to you, you are not investing your feelings on him.

 

You really have it in yourself to control your feelings and thoughts.

 

 

This is excellent advice OP, you need to follow it.

[NoMoreJerks]

Pic please or it didn't happen

lol..... oldest trick in the book.

[Graduate]

Thanks again, I really appreciate all your kind words and advice. I am still torn about whether I should contact him or not. I feel like a short message saying: 'Hey, I am still interested.' after a month of dating would not be clingy or needy. But on the other hand, the fact that he did not contact me anymore also most probably means that he lost interest. Even if I did not show a high enough level of interest myself. But I also have this thing where I hate letting fear stop me from doing something I really want. And to be honest the only reason I am not contacting him is my fear of rejection, not a sense of pride. At least not at this stage.

 

What my head is telling me to do is take Robin's advice and let this one go but make sure that the next guy I date will know that I like him (if I do). Though I don't know yet how I will keep the balance between showing interest and not appearing too overexcited. I'll keep you posted.

 

Old shirt,

I really appreciate you giving me a man's point of view and your long and detailed responses. I kinda took your advice, I was not dating anybody else in the last month but the one guy I posted about, but I talked to/went on one date with a few guys in October. What I did was sent those three guys a text asking if they wanted to get together for dinner next week. Only one of them replied and he is the one that never got beyond the talking state (we met online but stopped communicating when things progressed with the other guy).

 

So I have a date for next Saturday. Let's see how that goes. Most likely neither of us will feel a great connection, but if I do, I can try out the advice so many of you gave me on how to not get ahead of myself in the beginning. I'll keep you posted!

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't contact him at this point. Some people are jerks and don't want to come out and explicitly say they're not interested, because they want to keep you on the backburner and pick you up from where they left you off, if their priority women didn't work out... I'd feel insulted to be honest... and move on. I have too much dignity to be considered a second, third, fourth, etc. option. I don't multi-date, and I don't want to be relegated to just another number in a multi-dater's busy dating schedule. I find that mercenary and doesn't indicate a willingness to get to know a person on his/her own merits. I think usually people who multidate are desperate for a partner, and also believe in the instant connection.. I don't want someone so vain and shallow. They always want to meet new people, and they act like they can upgrade on the previous woman (or man) , and try out women to see which one has all the bells and whistles they want. It's up to you if you accept playing second fiddle, or not to be considered good enough to be his priority/centre of his interest from the outset.. *shrug*

 

I get that you want to get past the fear, but I think you shouldn't do it just for the heck of getting past the fear.. I think you should also maintain your dignity and walk away when he has clearly sent you the signal that he's not interested. Trust me, a man who is interested in you will drop everything and chase after you.

Edited November 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Ruby Slippers]

A guy who just disappears with no explanation after a month of dating is just not a good guy, so no, I wouldn't contact him again. In all my years of dating, I've never experienced that, and have never just disappeared on anybody. Seems very thoughtless and cowardly to me.

 

If you keep attracting this kind of guy, that says there's something about you that is attracting them. I don't know what that is, but you're the common denominator here, as they say.

 

Where do you need to improve in your life? What are your biggest problems? If you want your dating life (or life in general) to change, you have to make some positive changes so you can start attracting more of what you want.

[Eggplant]

With some women it's the best thing to be an a-hole. I see that especially after my experience with someone that started out as a friend.

With some people it's tempting to just be an a-hole. If, however, you are discourteous to some people, the other people that you do care about will see your behavior and be repelled.

[Graduate]

Where do you need to improve in your life? What are your biggest problems? If you want your dating life (or life in general) to change, you have to make some positive changes so you can start attracting more of what you want.

 

I honestly don't know. My life is pretty great, I am having my dream job, I have a lot of friends and make new friends often and easily, my family is loving albeit small. I have hobbies and interests. Got enough time and money to go on vacation, etc. I never have a lack of male interest either, but where I struggle is to find a relationship that goes the distance.

 

I've had two longish relationships in the last two years (6 months and 5 months respectively). The first ended due to us both moving for work and not being able to keep long-distance going, the second I ended because I realized we were just not a good match. So it is not like I only ever meet guys who disappear on me or dump me after a short while.

 

BUT I've had 4 experiences like this in the last two years and it is starting to get to me. I guess I am not used to someone acting like they are totally into you and then seemingly changing their mind from one day to the next. Maybe I am too trusting or naive, but I always expect there to be at least a fight or conversation before someone decides to end something that seemed to be going well and if they claimed to be really happy. Are there really that many liars/posers out there? Or am I just not discerning enough to realize when someone is playing me?

[NoMoreJerks]

^ there are a lot of people out there - A LOT -- who, once they find someone decent that they are attracted to, suddenly think, wait a minute, I can do better than this, I'm gonna keep on looking! I can get an upgrade on this model, get a better deal! Why settle? Instead of the bird in the hand, they settle for chasing after 2 in the tree. Eventually, often, these people end up with none because of their greediness and their attitude towards potential dates as just numbers and deals that he can upgrade on, until he finds the one with all the bells and whistles that he desires. Sure, we all look for the one we get along with, and if someone isn't doing it for you, you can get rid of them -- we should never settle just to be in a relationship, but that's different from an attitude where you always wonder whether you can do better. IMO, this is a mental illness / a flaw in character. If you think you can constantly do better, why look for a relationship at all? Live your life with perpetual one night stands or friends with benefits arrangements. It's not like there aren't plenty of women who would accept these sorts of arrangements, for fear of ending up being that woman who lives alone with 8 cats.

 

IMO, a lot of this is linked to the grass is greener syndrome. A lot of people won't know a good person if it hits them in the face. They want instant connection, instant sparks and fireworks, and when that spark inevitably dies down, they also end up cheating on that woman/man who they thought was "the one", because they want to experience that "high" again. It's pathetic and immature. IMO, USUALLY (though not always) people who believe in sparks and don't even give someone the chance to show their personality, interests, etc., are rather immature. You really wouldn't want a relationship with these types, even if the alternative is to end up living the rest of your life on your own. Trust me.

[nomadic_butterfly]

BUT I've had 4 experiences like this in the last two years and it is starting to get to me. I guess I am not used to someone acting like they are totally into you and then seemingly changing their mind from one day to the next. Maybe I am too trusting or naive, but I always expect there to be at least a fight or conversation before someone decides to end something that seemed to be going well and if they claimed to be really happy. Are there really that many liars/posers out there? Or am I just not discerning enough to realize when someone is playing me?

 

I've learned to run for the hills when someone seems too interested too soon. A guy friend taught me a long time ago the people who develop feelings the quickest/come on the strongest are usually the quickest to "fall out" of those very same feelings. They don't take time to think and analyze; they said things purely in the moment and then retract their statements/renege their promises after. It is more often than a sign of them being disingenuous.

 

I recently had a stint with a guy like this; ready to dive in head first after just one weekend together and I had to tell him to slow it down. The next weekend he wanted to get laid and it wasn't happening! We fooled around but that was it! Then I said, now that we've fooled around, I think it is appropriate for us to get to know only each other exclusively; not a couple yet but seeing if that is possible. Then he did a 180. This was a guy who claimed he reserved sex for only relationship yet he claimed "there's something about you that makes me just want to jump your bones." I'm pretty attractive but I am not naive.

 

He also introduced me to some important people in his life. He clearly had NO SENSE OF TRUE INTIMACY and boundaries. Showed all the signs of "taking me seriously" only to have him 7 days later deny deny deny he ever said we should get to know each other exclusively. Then he told me how many women were trying to chase after him and he had to "think" about it. Something else came up pertaining to his ex sleeping over too and it was the final straw to cut him loose. He asked me how I felt about it then said we are not at the level where my feelings mattered in so many words. Then WTF did you even ask me how I felt? Completely contradictory and illogical. No way was I going to lower my standards for some fickle man or any man for that matter. I kept it moving as I should. Aint nobody got time for that!

[mickleb]

Hi Mick, that was a bit harsh, but I appreciate the tough love.

 

One question though, why do you say I am a stage 5 clinger? Isn't that someone who calls constantly and tries to see a guy all the time? And maybe even professes their love within a few weeks?

 

Whereas when I date a guy, even if I like him, I barely ever initiate contact or ask him out in the beginning. I also don't tell them that I like them, even if they say so first. For example, on our last date he said: 'I really like you!' My reply was: "that is really sweet of you". Now I am kicking myself, thinking I might have played it too cool.

 

Are you saying that even if I don't do or say anything too clingy in the beginning, the guys can sense that I have a clingy personality? Hmm.

 

Also, in reply to your other points, I realize that I am not 'in love' with them at the point they disappear, and remembering how I felt the last time I got dumped and how I 'survived' makes it easier for me to handle rejection, but it still sucks and sometimes I think about the guy for a few months. So it is not like I forget them in a few days.

 

And while I can deal with the ending, sort of, I am looking for techniques to not get attached too quickly, which some people have posted really good advice in this thread on, so thanks a lot!

 

I deliberately said you were S5 Clinger material. You're not there yet, but anyone who can be treated so shi*tily by a guy then wonder how they can possibly get them back, has serious clinger potential.

 

Do not contact him again unless you want to be a mad lady.

 

Yes, you don't have to do or say much and they'll sniff you out. The trouble is, you think you've said nothing that might've got guys worried. Your behaviour and words on here don't match up, so I suspect you may well have behaved in ways you've chosen to forget. You're a stranger on the internet. I don't know you but I do get a whiff of someone who's really not as together as they're trying to present themselves. I don't say that to be rude, but to get you to question your behaviour again. This has happened to you repeatedly and your willingness to forgive loser behaviour rings alarm bells in my head. Maybe they see you as a soft touch and don't respect you for that? I don't know.

 

The technique I was offering was to consciously change the way you process your emotions, very shortly after you experience them. Have a good evening, go home light-headed, then sober up. Make yourself do this by taking time to analyse exactly what you think you're feeling and why, then rationalise what really is happening. Do it before you go to sleep. It's a very useful habit to get into. Write down your thoughts, if it helps (usually does).

 

People think there's nothing we can do about our emotions, like we're slaves to them, or something. So silly. Sure, acknowledge them, but then engage your brain as soon as you need to. Don't be sitting around for months wondering about some guy who couldn't say 'bye then'. Be rational, madam!

 

And yes, have zero expectations. It's the key to happiness. Never expect anything from anyone. That isn't cynical. It's actually a very generous and liberating way of going through life. Give your time and energy to others, as you wish, but expect nothing of them in return. Do what you want to do for no other reason than you wish to do it.

 

Good luck!

[strongnrelaxed]

I have no idea, butwhat listening to Matthew Hussey, I think we are not supposed to communicate with a single guy every day during the start of dating. He suggests we make an effort to meet (approach, have a conversation with 3-4 new men every week), and build an active social life, so we don't spend too much time fixating on one guy. He said men won't appreciate the time and energy we give to them if they don't feel that they have earned that level of commitment from us. And also it should protect us from getting too attached in the early days when they can just disappear.

 

I don't know if that advice works yet, but I intend to try it out.

 

Holy crap! What's with all the likes to this horrible advice. WTF?! This is why relationships are so screwed up.

 

OP - perhaps you should focus your time on finding out what is scaring them away rather than your level of emotional involvement. Think about what you are asking - you are asking women to help you kill your real true emotions so you can get a man.

 

Focus on your self esteem and fall hard and fast as your heart tells you. Choose your men wisely and carefully. Listen to your instincts. Have an exit strategy. Get in shape and love yourself. Have a life, hobbies and friends.

 

But most important, find out what the hell is creeping these men out. If you do not fix this you will only trick a man into loving you and then devastating him when the real you emerges later when you can no longer hold her back.

 

Is this what you want?

[nomadic_butterfly]

Holy crap! What's with all the likes to this horrible advice. WTF?! This is why relationships are so screwed up.

 

OP - perhaps you should focus your time on finding out what is scaring them away rather than your level of emotional involvement. Think about what you are asking - you are asking women to help you kill your real true emotions so you can get a man.

 

Focus on your self esteem and fall hard and fast as your heart tells you. Choose your men wisely and carefully. Listen to your instincts. Have an exit strategy. Get in shape and love yourself. Have a life, hobbies and friends.

 

But most important, find out what the hell is creeping these men out. If you do not fix this you will only trick a man into loving you and then devastating him when the real you emerges later when you can no longer hold her back.

 

Is this what you want?

 

How was that "bad advice?" I find it to be spot and logical. The OP already said she has hobbies, etc. etc. The men disappear so how is she going to find out from them? She just needs to be more introspective and connect the dots.

 

How will she "trick a man" into loving her? By mirroring his behavior and the level of interest he is showing? You have to let your mind lead you more than your heart. Your heart is too emotional to make rational decisions. This post is a clear example of her "following her heart" and it not leading her anywhere so now it's time to put on the thinking cap and be logical.

[Graduate]

I deliberately said you were S5 Clinger material. You're not there yet, but anyone who can be treated so shi*tily by a guy then wonder how they can possibly get them back, has serious clinger potential.

 

Your behaviour and words on here don't match up, so I suspect you may well have behaved in ways you've chosen to forget. You're a stranger on the internet. I don't know you but I do get a whiff of someone who's really not as together as they're trying to present themselves.

 

I am not sure how my behavior and words don't match, but I think you are being rather harsh on me. I am a clinger because I am surprised that a guy who I was dating for a month has suddenly stopped contacting me?

 

When did someone become the idiot if they believed another's words and actions as long they match? I guess you are the type who thinks it is a woman's fault if she gets cheated on because obviously she ignored some red flags.

 

I don't think someone treats me ****tily if they lose interest. I think it is ****tily if you cheat on someone or date someone for a month and suddenly ignore all their attempts at getting in touch with you. I have not done that, so how is he the a-hole?

 

Thanks for saying I am not as together as I present myself. Obviously a guy losing interest in me is a sign that I am loser, psycho, stage 5 clinger etc.

 

Do me a favor and just ignore my threads from now on, I'll happily return the favor. If you have nothing nice to say just say nothing. Or at least that is what I was taught as a child.

[oldshirt]

I haven't seen anything that indicates any of them treated her $h!ttily or that anyone was a jerk or that she is doing anything clingy or desperate in giving them a shout to grab a drink or a pizza or something sometime.

 

These were not established relationships or any kind of significant romances etc. It was a few dates and a few txts and convo's over a period of weeks.

 

Yes, some of them made have just moved on and faded away into the crowd.

 

But I'm betting that at least some of them were sincerely interested to one degree or another just waiting for some sign from her that she was interested and willing to show some initiative and participation.

[Versacehottie]

It's not an easy task but accomplishing "not being too invested" is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself in dating. My advice is DO NOT GIVE MORE THAN HE DOES. It sucks sometimes to hold back but let him do the work and respond positively to his efforts--if you like what he has done. Then you have not INVESTED as much as you would typically. It's your own personal investment that makes you attach to the other person even if it's based on false information and interpretation.

 

Just having this mindset will help you see what he is offering for what it REALLY is rather than some fantasy you make up for yourself. And unfortunately because guys are usually in the driver's seat in the beginning girls do a lot of fantasizing while they are waiting--it's one of the more active things we can do. Refrain from the fantasizing and planning ANYTHING for the future. You will be pleasantly surprised then. Live completely in the moment it will protect you and show your the truth of what the guy is offering.

 

Funny, they often treat you better because they can tell you are not SURE that you want it to happen. Instead you are waiting to see what he will show you. It makes them work harder & try to impress you & win you over. As it should be, since you are in a more passive position. And in reality, why would you be sure that you want it to move forward any more than he does? If he's not sure yet, then why would you be sure you want to attach yourself to someone who is not sure? SEE!

 

Invest in yourself FOR REAL. It makes you more attractive & they realize they need to pin you down if your other interests (and other guys you are dating) are taking up your time for real. And it does not hurt as much when they disappear because your life is full--you are not simply waiting for a guy to come into it. Easier said than done but good advice to have a well-balanced life. Plus it will not be any better if you do get the guy but don't have your own life. You will not be as secure nor as interesting to him if you don't have your own stuff going on.

 

And lastly, as someone mentioned, beware those guys who attach all in within no time at all. You rarely see those end up well. Basically those type of guys usually have issues.

 

If you can improve with regard to this part of dating, you will have better results overall. I promise. Good luck!

[greenfairie]

I dont trust men right away when I meet them. I kind of want to talk with them to feel them out to see if he's a player or not. Sometimes they could be really great actors and fool ya so you can't always assume. If I were single, I would just kind of do the casual dating… juggle multiple men but that doesn't mean you sleep with 7 different men every week. Men like it when you don't act too interested. You don't want to bore or scare them away. I just kind of treat them as a friend. I don't keep in touch with every one of my friends every single day. Make them chase you and want you.

[Versacehottie]

Yes you kind of have to treat it all like a novelty and just good fun--until they try to define it. I think another great thing to do is to know that you are NOT going to be the one to have the "talk". He is going to do that because he is going to be the one to want to pin YOU down. You are not going to have any intention of attaching before that talk and you are not going to force things along--moving things along, that's his job. I think you definitely get the best boyfriends/relationships when the guy comes to you to have the talk!

 

And if it helps to fire you up, you should always assume (right or wrong) that he is dating other people until that point. That is very helpful to not encourage attachment. And you should definitely do your best to do the same (date others). Stay open-minded.

[mickleb]

I am not sure how my behavior and words don't match, but I think you are being rather harsh on me. I am a clinger because I am surprised that a guy who I was dating for a month has suddenly stopped contacting me?

 

When did someone become the idiot if they believed another's words and actions as long they match? I guess you are the type who thinks it is a woman's fault if she gets cheated on because obviously she ignored some red flags.

 

I don't think someone treats me ****tily if they lose interest. I think it is ****tily if you cheat on someone or date someone for a month and suddenly ignore all their attempts at getting in touch with you. I have not done that, so how is he the a-hole?

 

Thanks for saying I am not as together as I present myself. Obviously a guy losing interest in me is a sign that I am loser, psycho, stage 5 clinger etc.

 

Do me a favor and just ignore my threads from now on, I'll happily return the favor. If you have nothing nice to say just say nothing. Or at least that is what I was taught as a child.

 

I rarely post threads on here because I'm pretty content so you should find it easy to ignore them. However, you asked for people's advice and then get angry when you hear something you don't like. That's not very nice, but there, I can take it. The anger you demonstrate in this post demonstrates a crack in that projected persona, however. As does a read of your previous posts on here. What you have posted on this thread doesn't match up very well with what you've previously written. I'm sorry, my dear, but you're a bit all over the shop.

 

Stop exaggerating. On this thread, and your other one. Put on your reading glasses. I said you were clinger material because you are still interested in this guy, not because you were surprised he vanished.

 

I didn't call you an idiot. That's your word. Indicative of the low self-esteem I think you are demonstrating repeatedly. 4 weeks of so-called words and actions matching! Therein lies the problem. This has happened to you many times before. A person's words and actions matching can't be judged on only 4 weeks of behaviour. They get judged on months and years of behaviour.

 

Where on earth did that cheating comment come from? How weird.

 

Why are you defending this knobend? I don't get it. Re-read your first post again. What in your description of him makes his behaviour sound anything like decent? He was in constant contact, told you he liked you, the one day *poof*, he chooses not to respond to your last text. He's gone without a word. It's not losing interest that's the problem, is it? It's going from one extreme to the other and not managing to be a decent human being that he's guilty of. So we call guys like him a*sholes. Selfish, thoughtless, cowardly a*sholes.

 

So no, a guy losing interest in you does not make him, or you, a loser. But your repeated displays of over-conscientiousness towards people who treat you badly, plus your odd, outraged response to someone who is genuinely trying to help you on here, certainly makes me question that you are not as together as you would like to think.

 

I won't stop posting on your threads as I think you really need some help. Sorry if the help I am offering stings a little, but sometimes straight advice is useful, and it's worth taking a little of it on the chin. That's how I've been brought up, anyway.

[DatingInYour40s]

Why are you defending this knobend? I don't get it. Re-read your first post again. What in your description of him makes his behaviour sound anything like decent? He was in constant contact, told you he liked you, the one day *poof*, he chooses not to respond to your last text. He's gone without a word. It's not losing interest that's the problem, is it? It's going from one extreme to the other and not managing to be a decent human being that he's guilty of. So we call guys like him a*sholes. Selfish, thoughtless, cowardly a*sholes.

 

So no, a guy losing interest in you does not make him, or you, a loser. But your repeated displays of over-conscientiousness towards people who treat you badly, plus your odd, outraged response to someone who is genuinely trying to help you on here, certainly makes me question that you are not as together as you would like to think.

 

I wanted to say this thread has been very interesting and this member has the most useful information that I've read in it.

 

I can relate to the OP. I've had this happen twice but I've also been on the other side in that I've been interested in someone, then for some reason, lose interest. However, I let that person know it's not working, and don't just disappear without some kind of explanation.

 

The reason some women fall for guys so hard is their nature, their heart, is to desire a man. It's kind of a curse actually because it's very strong.

 

However, it happens to guys to. I recently had to put the brakes on a guy who was very clingy and wanted constant contact and reassurance and daily asked questions such as how I feel about him, us, etc. We had a possibility of being together but he pushed me away. Live and learn.

 

I also wanted to say, I'm new to this forum and wish I would have found it earlier. This forum is very informative. I do notice a some attacking of one another. Attacking is a strong word, but a gentler approach would be nice. We're all in this single, dating life together and it's hard out there, so I think we should be more gracious to one another.

 

I was married for 24 years and divorced 2 years ago. Dating sure is very difficult yet it should be so easy. I'm not giving up or becoming bitter though.

[mickleb]

I wanted to say this thread has been very interesting and this member has the most useful information that I've read in it.

 

I can relate to the OP. I've had this happen twice but I've also been on the other side in that I've been interested in someone, then for some reason, lose interest. However, I let that person know it's not working, and don't just disappear without some kind of explanation.

 

The reason some women fall for guys so hard is their nature, their heart, is to desire a man. It's kind of a curse actually because it's very strong.

 

However, it happens to guys to. I recently had to put the brakes on a guy who was very clingy and wanted constant contact and reassurance and daily asked questions such as how I feel about him, us, etc. We had a possibility of being together but he pushed me away. Live and learn.

 

I also wanted to say, I'm new to this forum and wish I would have found it earlier. This forum is very informative. I do notice a some attacking of one another. Attacking is a strong word, but a gentler approach would be nice. We're all in this single, dating life together and it's hard out there, so I think we should be more gracious to one another.

 

I was married for 24 years and divorced 2 years ago. Dating sure is very difficult yet it should be so easy. I'm not giving up or becoming bitter though.

 

Well, at least someone got something out of me posting, then! Thank you for mentioning it. I'm happy to be of some assistance.

 

With regards to 'attacking', I'll admit, I often come in strong if I think someone's about to do something stupid, just to get their attention. Graduate had stopped listening to pretty much anyone but oldshirt, who was telling her to ask this guy on a date. Of course, that MAY be exactly what she needs to do, but I think it'd be stupid, so I used the S5 Clinger stuff to get the girl to think again. I also try to be humorous from time to time, and was attempting to do so with that comment, but G's, frankly, a little sensitive.

 

What I like about these boards is that anyone who is offering help can post, which means you get a balance of views, and styles. Some go to great lengths to be sensitive towards others, but I rarely do. Yes, dating can be tough, but that's where the change in attitude needs to happen. It's only tough if you make such a big deal out of it. You can slowly and rationally get a grip, and it's almost always wise to do so! At the early stages they are just strangers still. No amount of obsessing, or chemistry, or anything changes that. You can't let your mind be controlled by a stranger, it's just silly. And there's really no need for it! It is easier said than done, but there are plenty of methods we can employ to help ourselves to think and behave more sensibly, which is what Graduate was asking people to help her with.

 

One of my favourite posters on here, Tara Maiden, is a highly sensible, tough-talking, wise lady, who taught me this and changed my life in doing so. I suggest you read some of her posts, as she is great value.

[DatingInYour40s]

Well, at least someone got something out of me posting, then! Thank you for mentioning it. I'm happy to be of some assistance.

 

With regards to 'attacking', I'll admit, I often come in strong if I think someone's about to do something stupid, just to get their attention.

 

One of my favourite posters on here, Tara Maiden, is a highly sensible, tough-talking, wise lady, who taught me this and changed my life in doing so. I suggest you read some of her posts, as she is great value.

 

I did get a lot out of it and will read it again and also Tara's.

 

I actually didn't think you were attacking. It's just something I noticed in other posts/threads.

[William]

Folks, let's stow the cross-talk about forum politics and other members and get back to discussing how ladies can stay emotionally detached in the first few weeks of dating. Thanks!

[acrosstheuniverse]

I have to say, multi-dating was what kept me detached when I was dating around earlier this year and late last year. When your attention is spread amongst several people rather than one or two guys you are instantly less available, their interest is piqued more than it would be if you were constantly at their beck and call, and it seemed to stimulate their competitiveness with each other. I'm not talking dating tonnes of guys for weeks at a time, I'd let it go a few dates or a few weeks or until someone started developing feelings before assessing how I felt and what I wanted.

 

Obviously I was 100% upfront with everybody involved, and went out of my way to tell people before or after the first date that I was dating around, in case they had presumed exclusivity.

[winny]

Don't text or talk multiple times through out the day.

Don't sext.

Meet once a week.

Don't sleep with him till at least 4 weeks.

Stop thinking about future only think of enjoying the time you meet him.

Make a list of qualities you are looking for and during initial few 4 or 5 dates, see how many of those does he actually meet.

Don't believe everything he tells you. Ask him to show it to you by action.

Continue going out with your girlfriends.

Spend time with family and make a rule not to talk to him or answer his texts when you are with family, friends or at work.

Take a break and go on trips and travel with friends. It frees up your mind.

If any other guy asks you out, then go.

Read some inspirational books and watch similar movies. It will give you confidence.

Take up some volunteer work, it will open your mind to things which are more important that your dating issues. It will divert your mind to other things.

Expand your life to include new things in it.

See if you want to study something new, take up some classes.

If there are areas in your resume which you feel can get better, then work on them.

 

Make your life much more than just dating a guy... involve your emotions and feelings in other things also

 

Tell your self that, if a guy likes you, he has to win your heart. He has to do the work. You are the prize. You are confident and secure. You don't need a guy to make you happy. You can be happy and content alone also. If a guy likes you, he has to prove to you by his actions that he can make your life better in some way if you make him a part of it. Until and unless a guy proves this to you, you are not investing your feelings on him.

 

You really have it in yourself to control your feelings and thoughts.

 

I just wanna say that these are things I am myself trying to work on

And also I am trying to now learn how to make myself open towards guys in spite of bad experiences...